Chapter 27
Galaxy-Man woke the next day, again, with Fu standing over him.
“Wake up,” said Fu. “Your next fight is in an hour.”
Galaxy-Man woke up with a monster headache from lack of sleep, and his entire body was in tremendous pain. Galaxy-Man didn't want to get up. He had just fallen into a decent sleep, but now it was time to rise and shine like a neon sign. He groaned loudly and kicked his legs in protest like a toddler who's onesie was two sizes too small.
“You're acting like a child.”
“I don't wanna be an adult right now.” He rolled over onto his side and curled up into a cozy position. “I don't wanna be Galaxy-Man. I just wanna be nobody.”
“Where did all that confidence go? Listen, I had my doubts about you, but you've got something about you that gives you an edge in battle. You were obviously never formally trained in any fighting style, and that makes you unpredictable, impossible to read.”
“Why are you telling me this? What do you care?”
“Because I want to spar with you. I live for new challenges. It sort of the extent of my character.”
“Aw, can't we just fight some other time? This tournament is really hard. Doctor told me to cut back on the galactic fighting tournaments.”
“That goes against my code of honor. I told you I'd fight you in the ring and that's the way it has to be. Besides, if you quit now then you're a coward and I wouldn't want to fight you.”
“Who the heck has a freaking code of honor? What is this, the Ming Dynasty up in this mug?” Galaxy-Man knew there was no bargaining with Fu. Though part of him admired Galaxy-Man and considered him a friend, he was a man of his word and he wasn't going to change his mind. Galaxy-Man knew he had to fight. Sometimes it's best to fight your battles and regret your decisions later.
He walked into the waiting room and waited for his name to be called. He looked over that day's program to see who he'd be fighting. His next fight would be unique in that there were three combatants as opposed to two. It's sure to be fun and a half.
Before long, Galaxy-Man's name was called and he was led outside by a ref to do battle once again. In the ring was a massive man who was all of 9 ft tall and built like a Quikrete wall. Next to him was a little girl with blonde hair and a frilly pleated fuchsia dress. Who knows what she did to win her first bout, not to mention making it past preliminaries.
When Galaxy-Man entered the ring the burly man charged at him like a steel train full of cannon balls.
“I want to live!” cried Galaxy-Man as he shielded himself, fearing for his very life.
Instead of knocking him into last week, the man then shook Galaxy-Man's hands vigorously. He shook both of his hands at once with just one of his massive mitts, which was kinda funny to see. “Hi there! I'm Warmax, Warmax Thraxaldorf. I saw your fight with Auran. Great stuff!” This guy looked like Frankenstein's monster on Red Bull and had the mannerisms of an exuberant child.
Galaxy-Man's heart was still racing from the shock of the 9 ft, 1000 lb behemoth charging him, but he played things cool. “Yeah,” said Galaxy-Man, “that guy was the real joke.”
“Alright,” yelled the ref, “less socializing, more killin'. Fighters bow!”
The fighters took to the center of s ring to prepare for the impending battle. Warmax took his stance, which was slightly awkward given his plus size frame. It's not often that some one has to kneel down to fight. The little girl, whom Galaxy-Man had nearly forgotten about, walked into the center of the ring and adjusted her nonexistent breasts. She gave what appeared to be an insincere smile as she curtsied. Something about her just seemed off, like she were trying to dazzle the men with her looks. She was only six or so. She certainly seemed out of place there in the ring. Her frilly dress, while very cute, didn't seem very practical for fighting.
“Fighters prepare,” the ref continued.
After everyone commenced preparations for rumbling, the fight had begun! Warmax immediately kicked the shit outta Galaxy-Man's chest. He flew 10 ft into the air and landed on his neck. “Dammit to hell!!” he wailed. He was in a fair amount of pain. Warmax had great respect for Galaxy-Man, but didn't hold back in the slightest. Truth be told, Warmax saw Galaxy-Man as a serious threat and came at him full force. He had effectively cast berserk on himself.
While Galaxy-Man curled up into a ball of pain and grief. Warmax set his sights on the little girl. He didn't see her as a threat, but as an adorable little girl in a pretty dress. He figured it'd be an easy task to beat her. He'd simply have to gently sit her out of the ring. He figured there was no rush though, so he played things very coy. “And what might your name be?” he asked as he knelt down. Even on his knees he towered over her 4 ft frame.
The girl giggled and smiled bashfully. “Queen B,” she answered.
Warmax found everything she did to be absolutely adorable.
Galaxy-Man staggered to his feet, still in the game. “What are you waiting for, Warmax? Kick her adorable butt!”
“Don't worry,” he replied. “I'll end this.” He then very carefully picked Queen B up on the ground and walked over to the edge of the ring. She didn't put up much of a resistance. She did look very sad though, like she were about to cry. “Aw, what's wrong?” he asked. He brought her in close to his face to see what was the matter. “I'm not gonna hurt you. I'm just gonna sit you down, okay?”
“I'm sorry,” cried Queen B, who was now starting to sob.
Warmax was confused. “S-sorry for what?”
“I'm sorry... that all the training you did for this tournament was for nothing.”
“What?”
Standing on Warmax's enormous wrists, she got right in his face and bit his nose hard, even drawing blood. Warmax dropped her and staggered backwards. She then ran over and shoved him over and out of the ring. He hit the ground with a loud 'ba-doomp' and for him the tournament was over. He had lost miserably. How embarrassing.
“Ring-out!” exclaimed the ref.
Cutty and Cherry were late getting to the arena on count of the long lines, but just now took their seats. “Is that a little girl?” asked Cutty.
“Uh-oh,” said Cherry, “Dad's gonna knock that poor girl into last week.”
“She's so cute. What is she doing there?”
“Looks can be deceiving, Cutty. I can only imagine what she did to get this far.”
Queen B was a tough girl but physically puny. She fought dirty and used her looks to manipulate people.
Galaxy-Man stood in utter amazement at what he had wittinessed. Queen B then let out a little chuckle to herself. This girl was truly pure, unfiltered evil with a side order of nefarious fries and horrid hash browns, but still feigned innocence. “Oh no!” she cried. “You dropped me. Are you okay, mister?” she started tearing up. “I'm... so sorry... you fell down,” she sniffled. She then turned to Galaxy-Man with big puppy dog eyes. “You're not gonna hurt me, are you?”
Galaxy-Man could see right through her act. Galaxy-Man was immune to children and not at all swayed by her crocodile tears. He laughed and gave a crooked grin. He shook his head “Tsk-tsk you're just a rotten little brat aren't you?”
“Excuse me!?”
“You heard me. Mm, I tell ya, children are the worst STDs.”
Queen B started crying more fake tears. “You said a no-no!”
Unfazed, Galaxy-Man casually walked over to her and shoved her down. She looked up at him with a sinister look, but quickly swallowed her true feelings and started fake crying some more.
“Ha ha ha,” laughed Galaxy-Man as he pointed his finger in Queen B's face, “and now I shall crush you with my superior, adult stren-” but before he could finish his boast, Queen B bit his finger hard, all the way through his glove and to the bone.
“AAHRAA” yelped Galaxy-Man. He yanked his bloody finger out of her mouth. “You little brat! I'LL KILL YOU!!”
“Hurts, don't it?” snarled the girl, Galaxy-Man's gooey blood in her little teeth.
“Joke's on you. I got hepatitis!”
“W-what!?”
“Yeah, it was the only test I ever got an A on.”
The girl spit and rubbed her tongue while Galaxy-Man ran over quickly and kicked her square in the jaw, knocking out some of her baby teeth. He then picked her up from her dress and threw her out of the ring forcefully into the hard ground. “SUCK IT!!” he yelled as he pointed to his bloody finger. The crowd gave an awkward golf clap, not sure whether his actions were praiseworthy or not. He did just beat up a child after all.
“Oh my God,” said Cutty. “I hope she's okay.”
“Who cares?” replied Cherry. “Dad won!”
“Winner by ring-out!!” yelled the ref.
With a spring in his step and a twisted smirk on his face, Galaxy-Man left the ring and walked into the banquet hall for a hardy meal. Once he was inside, some cheered him on, and others jeered, giving him winced looks. Galaxy-Man saw Fu filling his plate with various meats and walked over to say hello. It'd probably be awhile before Cherry and Cutty fought there way through the mobby crowd and made it to the banquet hall.
“Sup, smallfox?” asked Galaxy-Man. “Did you see me bust that fool's block? Pretty sick, huh?”
“You've surprised me yet again, Galaxy-Man,” replied Fu.
“I feel like you should just expect to be surprised at this point, man. But how so?”
“Most fighters would have made the mistake of falling into Queen B's trap. She looks innocent, but make no mistake, she's as evil and twisted as they come. She murdered her parents and all her siblings in cold blood so she could be queen in her home country where she lives in luxury.”
“I knew something was up with that little snot! I'm glad I threw her the out of ring and knocked out all her teeth... and gave her an incurable liver disease. Wait, why did she enter a tournament if she already had absolute power and wealth?”
“Cripes, I don't know everything.”
“Well excuuuuuse me, princess.”
Galaxy-Man fixed himself a plate of way more food than he could eat and crawled underneath a table to chow down. Growing up, Galaxy-Man liked eating his meals under the table in defiance to his father. It's not something he did very often anymore, but every once in a while he liked to let his inner child out. He especially didn't want to be an adult at that moment.
After ten minutes or so, Cherry and Cutty entered the room to find Galaxy-Man. They looked around until they saw his signature red cape poking out from underneath the tablecloth and walked over.
“Dad, did you forget how to eat again?” asked Cherry as she lifted the tablecloth up. “You're supposed to sit at the table, not under it, fool.”
“Come on in, guys,” said Galaxy-Man. “We got free gum under here, yo.”
“Did you have to hit that little girl so hard?” asked Cutty as she and Cherry crawled under the table.
“You don't know what she's like, man. She done some bad, bad stuff.”
“Oh, well I guess that makes me feel a bit better then.” Cutty was still a bit iffy.
“Lemme guess,” said Cherry, “she be messin' around with Bo-Deezy behind her BF's back. Jerry, Jerry, Jerry!”
“Yeah,” replied Galaxy-Man, “and it turns out that Bo-Deezy is La-quell's father! Darnell, you are not the father!”
“Ah snap, son. It just got real up in here!”
Once Galaxy-Man was completely stuffed, he took off his glove and peeled off a piece of mint bubble gum from the bottom of the table. Gum can lose its sweetness, but it never quite loses its mintiness.
“So you've got two more fights, huh?” asked Cutty.
“Yes sir, finna roll up on Fu and smoke that punk boy.” Galaxy-Man started boxing the air. “I'll give 'm the old one two buckle my shoe.”
Cutty knew he was making light of the situation because he didn't want to think about it. That's why he was being so silly, though, inside he was screaming. “I just want you to know that... I don't like that your fighting, but I understand and I support you. That's what friends are for. I'm here for ya.” She turned to Cherry. “Show him the gift we got.”
Galaxy-Man smiled big. “Aw, you guys got me a gift? 'Cause I didn't get you guys shit.”
Cherry reached into her backpack and pulled out a book. “We were talking with that really tall guy or whatever, and he gave us this book for some reason. It was really weird, but he was super nice and whatnot. You should've seen the weirdo car this guy drove. It was-”
“Cherry,” interrupted Galaxy-Man, “shut the heck up and get to the point, child.”
“He opened his door and this book fell out and I asked if I could have it because I know it's your favorite,” Cherry uttered quickly and in one breath.
Galaxy-Man took the book and saw what it was, the second Twilight book, New Moon. Say what you will about Twilight, but for Galaxy-Man it was his absolute favorite book series, and he'd only read the first one. Galaxy-Man didn't read books very often, but when he did he became absolutely obsessed.
“EEEK!!!” squealed Galaxy-Man, his inner 10 year old girl coming out full force. “Oh my God you guys! I'm about to frickin' freak the frick out!”
“We figured it'd give you something to do,” said Cutty, “and keep your mind off of... you know, having to fight and all.”
Galaxy-Man was very pleased indeed. “You know I love you guys, right?”
“Oh,” said Cherry, just remembering something. “I was in the Whomper brushing my teeth this morning and I found some dank-ass weed in the medicine cabinet. You know I don't touch the stuff anymore.”
“I think they test you for drugs once the tournament's over. I'm not here to compete, so it's all good... I guess. ”
“I don't think they test you for feel-good drugs, Dad.”
“Whatever, I wanna go read my book. Love you guys.”
“I love you,” said Cutty.
“And I've grown fond of you as well, Cutty-buddy. You're great, I don't care what Cherry says about you.”
Cutty turned to Cherry with sad eyes. “Aw, what did you say about me? Don't make me have to take my boxing gloves out.” She knew Galaxy-Man was only teasing.
Cherry shrugged like Neil Degrasse Tyson at a badass convention. “I ain't said nothin', man." She pointed the finger at Galaxy-Man. "You were the one who was talking crap about Cutty moving her lips even when she reads silently.”
Galaxy-Man rolled his eyes. “I said I liked that about her.”
Cutty just smiled and shook her head. “Enjoy your book, Galaxy-Man. Don't stay up too late.”
Galaxy-Man crawled out from underneath the table and stretched. He wanted to engross himself into his spooky book as soon as possible. If his mind was busy, he'd worry less, and when you get down to it, worrying doesn't really solve much of anything. What good would it have done him to sit and think about his impending agony in the ring? He had no fighting techniques or strategies to practice. If anything, his strategy was to take things easy and keep a cool and level head outside of the ring, which is the best way to prepare for anything when you really think about it. The scariest part of skydiving is the drive to the airport. After saying his goodbyes, it was off to the hangar to read his novel.
Only fighters were allowed in the hangar now, and Galaxy-Man had to pass by guards armed with laser guns every time he went into the hangar and get frisked, though, they failed to find the drugs. They didn't really care what fighters brought in. They sorta pretended to search people.
Once he passed by the guards, he moseyed over to the far side of the hanger behind a zeppelin that no longer worked and set up a cozy pallet of blankets away from everyone. He reached into his boot and pulled out a Bic lighter. He had no proper rolling papers for his marijuana of course, so he tore a page out of his novel. It was just the acknowledgments. No one cares about those anyways. It's just a bunch of people who don't matter. Marijuana was very much illegal on Mars, but Galaxy-Man didn't care. He sparked up and started thumping through his book.
Before he knew it, several hours had passed. Galaxy-Man became so detached from reality and immersed in his macabre fantasy that he read that book cover to cover all in one sitting. His ability to read with shades was truly something to admire. By the time the novel was over, the man was in very real tears as he closed the book.
“Stephenie Meyer, you are my lord and savior. Every other book sucks!” He lifted up his head and glanced up at a skylight. It was morning and he had gotten a grand total of zero hours and zero minutes of sleep. He had gone the whole night without any rest! His back pained and his neck was horribly cramped from reading for so very long. Galaxy-Man cringed as he realized it was day. “Aw, HORSESHEEIT!!” he erupted, his words echoing throughout the hangar, clearly audible to everyone in the room. Before he knew it, all eyes were on him. He was slightly embarrassed, but didn't say anything further.
Sure enough, Fu came over to where Galaxy-Man was. “You're up early,” he said.
Galaxy-Man played things off as he always did. “You're darn skippy, hippy. And I wantcha to know that Galaxy-Man is entering himself in the Royal Rumble!” He was a tad loopy from lack of sleep. “I looked that man face-to-face!”
“You didn't sleep, did you?” asked Fu.
“Leave me alone, Mom,” groaned Galaxy-Man. “Say, who's butt am I kickin' today?”
“His name is Metalex. Word to the wise, your best bet is to rush him and give it your all. You're gonna want to defeat him as fast as possible.”
“Why?”
“He's not very strong physically, but his defense is unrivaled. Once he enters his shell, nothing, and I mean nothing, can hurt him. He's effectively indestructible in this state.”
“Pff, I'll give Turtle Boy the ol' one two buckle my jockstrap.”
Galaxy-Man's whole body ached, his neck and back hurt something awful, he was terribly lightheaded, his bite wound was possibly in the process of becoming infected and had a constant throbbing pain, and to top things off, he had the headache from hell. He walked into the waiting room slowly as not to overexert himself.
He sat down in the ragged chair as slowly as he possibly could, as his head was pounding, but as soon as his aching butt caressed the faux-leather padding of the tattered cushion, his name was called.
“Galaxy-Man, Galaxy-Man,” said the woman at the front of the room. “Where are you, doll?”
Galaxy-Man sighed. “Dang it.” It had become routine at this point. He got up and walked down the halls and outside and up the ring. He could see Cherry and Cutty sitting at an upper row cheering him on which made him smile some. He gave a light wave.
“Did he just flip us off?” asked Cherry.
Inside the ring was a strange, human-like creature with ashy gray skin and two horns protruding his round head. He was about as big as an older child and didn't appear too menacing or particularly scary. Galaxy-Man figured his could probably take him. Ignoring his pain, He staggered up to the ring and put of his dukes.
“Fighters Bow,” said the ref. They both bowed. “Fighters prepare. Fight!” Now, what happens next is arguably – no, not even arguably – the most boring fight of all time. Metalex without hesitation entered his shell. It was very strange to see. His arms and legs receded into his body and his skin hardened and became stronger than tempered vibranium.
“Aw, come on,” moaned Galaxy-Man. He knew that the battle was likely already over based on what Fu had told him. Galaxy-Man kicked him a little, “get outta there,” but it didn't do anything at all. He tried to push him out of the ring, but he was much too heavy. Metalex was effectively invincible. “Quit being a dord and fight me, stoop. Oh, I see how it is.” Galaxy-Man shook his head and walked away.
“That's no fair,” said Cutty. “There's no way to hit him.”
Galaxy-Man sat down to think. Then, it came to him. He had a plan. “Look, pal,” he said, “you don't want to play this game with me. Do you have any idea how lazy I am? I play an audio recording of a prerecorded clap on my phone to turn my lights on and off.” Galaxy-Man kicked off his boots and bunched up his cape to use as a pillow. He lied down and stretched. “Kiss my grits, fool. I've got all the time in the world.”
Normally, people would relentlessly attack Metalex until they were too exhausted to continue. Galaxy-Man had a different idea, though. He was literally gonna bore him to death... or into submission, whichever came first. Now, this is where the fight really gets boring. Minutes slowly ticked by, and minutes turned to hours. Galaxy-Man still lied on his back looking up at the clouds.
Cherry was really starting to lose it. “Oh my God this is so damn boring!! This is about as exciting as sitting at home waiting for my breasts to arrive.”
“Are they really gonna let the fight go on?” asked Cutty.
“Fight? What fight!? Oh my God I'd rather be watching Ben Stein give a mnemonics lecture in slow motion.”
Nothing like this had ever happened before in Battleon's history. Metalex was far too weak physically to fight, and in his shell he couldn't move; he was becoming extremely bored, as was the audience. In fact, after a few more hours had passed, the only people left watching were Cherry and Cutty, though, they were actually sleeping. Galaxy-Man slept as well, but in short power naps as not to let his guard down too much. It was impossible to tell when he was sleeping on count of his shades.
Cherry woke up momentarily and saw that it was now night time. “Jesus Christ, Dad,” she mumbled to herself. She looked over and saw that Cutty was asleep. It was easy to tell when Cutty was sleeping because she snored loudly.
The “fight” lasted so long that even they had to leave. In total, an unprecedented two days passed, so long in fact the award ceremony had to be postponed. Metalex had had it. He could no longer bare even one more second of this and came out of his shell.
“AAHHHRRRAAAHH!!!” he wailed. “You know what!? You win! You win!!” He then voluntarily left the ring and ran away crying.
Galaxy-Man awoke from a nap, not quite hearing what Metalex had said. “Wait, did I just win?” he asked. He stood up and stretched. There were no spectators left to cheer. It was sort of eerie. Not knowing what else to do, he left the ring and walked into the dining hall.
Cherry and Cutty spent most of their time in the dining hall playing on their phones and eating all the free food they could eat. Free food is free food after all. It wasn't such a bad set up really.
Galaxy-Man quickly found them and walked over. “What's up, funkledunks?”
“It's finally over?” asked a very relieved Cutty. She couldn't believe her eyes.
“D'ya win?” asked Cherry without looking up from her phone.
“Yeah, kicked his butt into last week. Kinda felt sorry for the little guy.”
“Just one more fight, huh?” asked Cutty.
“Yep yep,” replied Galaxy-Man. “Hey, you seen Fu anywhere? I wanna go mess with him.”
“I think he went into the hangar,” replied Cutty.
“He's a nice guy,” added Cherry. “We talked with him a lot while you were in the ring. He's so serious all the time and it's funny.”
After saying his goodbyes, Galaxy-Man stepped into the hangar to see Fu. Sure enough, he was lying down on his mat meditating. Galaxy-Man walked over to him. “What's up, Fox Man Fu?”
Fu let out a small laugh. “These names. You're definitely creative, I'll give you that.”
Galaxy-Man pretended to write on a piece of paper.
“What are you doing?” asked Fu.
“Oh, I was just writing down a phone number for you to call tomorrow.”
“What number?”
“A PDSD support group for after I destroy you in the ring. I ain't gonna hold back none.”
“Hmph, don't let your ego write checks your body can't cash.”
Galaxy-Man sat down next to Fu on his mat. “Isn't that a line from Top Gun?” he asked.
“Listen,” said Fu, ignoring the question, “whatever happens in the ring tomorrow stays in the ring. There's no bad blood between us.”
“I know that.” Galaxy-Man had a more serious tone when he said this. “I know I give you a lot of crap, but I do respect you, Fu, and I mean that.” Galaxy-Man shook his head, like something was really troubling him. “You know what really pisses me off? When people take one look at me and write me off as just some idiot who can't do anything. I can't stand it when people judge me when they don't even know me. That's why I like you, Fu. You never wrote me off. People never have any faith in me and it saddens me to death.”
“Your daughter sure believes in you, and look how far you've come.”
“I know she does. I just... I don't want her to see me lose, you know? I have to win.”
The two said nothing for a long time. Galaxy-Man eventually stood up and walked away, nothing more to say.