Chapter 17
Sure enough, when the sun sank down below the hairy horizon, the gang was prepared to make their daring escape, but little did they know, a full-on war was brewing and some crazy stuff was about to go down. It was a war between two powerful military factions engaged in a bloody civil war: the Gongoozlers, who believed that chawmooers were sacred and shouldn't be killed, and the Halix, those who believed that the chawmooers were killing the planet and making it go bald. In actuality, chawmooers were a very necessary part of Wunga-Wunga's delicate ecosystem. They ate the planet's hair, but their waist returned important nutrients to the ground. The Halix had driven them to near extinction and thus the planet was balding as a result, though, the Halix blamed the balding on the chawmooers themselves. It was an odd conflict to be sure.
“We better take some provisions,” said Pa- I mean Galaxy-Man.
“Good thinking,” added Cherry as she stuffed her pockets with candy, minus the chocolates of course.
Galaxy-Man got up and checked to see if anyone was in the building. He peaked through the bars of the cell door and looked both ways stealthily with his shifty eyes. He turned towards Cutty and gave her a slight nod to let her know the coast was clear. Cutty picked up her sword and Galaxy-Man backed away from the door.
“Do it, Cutty,” said Cherry encouragingly. “Cut it down. Cut like a 15 year old goth girl with no parents!”
“Jesus Christ, Cherry,” said Galaxy-Man. “That's just sad.”
Cutty slashed and cleaved her way through the bearded cell door like a hot fork through cheesecake and the gang walked out into the unknown, making well and sure they weren't spotted by the mammoths. They could hear fighting going on outside and it sounded pretty serious.
“What do you suppose is going on out there?” asked Cutty.
“Dunno,” Cherry replied as she scratched her itchy head.
“This is good,” said Galaxy-Man, scratching his head with his middle finger. “This way we should be able to run away while everyone is distracted.” Galaxy-Man still wasn't happy, but he had found the strength to live again through the love of his friends.
Cutty started scratching her head vigorously. “So itchy!!” Everyone's head was totally infested with the squips. It was horribly itchy for them. Squips resembled tiny crabs and fed on the roots of human hair. Nasty creatures.
They walked out into the street and a great war was waging. The dark night was lit by fire and destruction and smelled of singed hair. There were black-skinned, human-like people with long dreads and they rode on chawmooers. They were on the Gongoozlers side of the war.
One came riding by and Galaxy-Man flagged him down. “Yo!” said Galaxy-Man. “What's going down right now?”
“What do we care?” asked Cherry. “We need to find the dongle at get the F outta here.”
“We da Dreads,” said the rider. He spoke in a barely intelligible sort of Jamaican dialect. He wielded a pair of giant scissors and smoked a lock of wool. What a weirdo. “We fight fer da Gongoozlers. We fightin' fer our mutter Wunga-Wunga, mon. The chawmooers have been killed by da Halix fer too long now. Dey tink da chawmooers be hurtin' the planet by eatin' da hair, but witout da chawmooers' grazin,' da hair don't get no nourishment and da world goes bald, mon. You best get goin' fer ya get cut, mon.” What a weird day this was becoming. It was a like a drug-induced dream sequence directed by David Lynch and made about as much sense as a soup sandwich.
Everyone just stood in utter bewilderment by what the Dread said. “What?” they all asked in unison, not knowing what the heck that guy just said.
“I say ya get to goin' fer sometin' sinister hoppen, mon. Wallo.” He then rode off into battle.
“This is crazy,” said Cutty, still scratching her head, both because it was itchy and because she was confused.
“You think he listens to hair metal?” joked Galaxy-Man. He was still in pain, but made a joke.
Cherry looked at the DongleDar “Let's just find Cooler-Corn or whatever so we can get the dongle and fly the frick off this hairball. It was wedged in his teeth or something, right?”
“Yep,” confirmed Galaxy-Man.
“Get your sword ready, Cutty. Looks like things might get a little hairy.”
Cutty gripped her sword tight. “Right,” she said strongly. Who knows what weirdness awaited them. Everyone stood on their toes, trying their very best to expect the unexpected.
The gang walked through the burning city of fur following the DongleDar's lead, the smell of freshly burnt hair in the air. The city had become a tangled, nappy mess of knots and split ends. It had become extremely hard to navigate and the gang was really getting aggravated. They were hobbling around like lice in a burning wig, made even more miserable by their itchy heads.
“It's hopeless,” said Cherry. “We'll never make it to the dongle now.”
“No,” said Galaxy-Man. “Look at the Dreads. See how they're able to use the chawmooers to traverse the hair?”
“When in Wunga-Wunga, do as the Dreads,” said Cutty. “But how are we gonna get a chawmooer?”
“I think I can help-help-help,” said a voice in the distance. It was none other than Willy-Wunka in all his purple hairiness.
“Willy-Wunka!” shouted Cherry. The gang was certainly happy to see him.
“Why are you helping us?” asked Galaxy-Man.
“Who cares?” asked Cherry. “He's on our side!”
“When your ship landed we thought-thought-thought it was Dreads so we hid in a hole,” said Willy-Wunka. “We saw-saw-saw that you were just humans but Curley-Cue saw your sword and got spooked and I too was scared. When I saw-saw-saw you argue and cry I could tell-tell-tell you were creatures of compassion and empathy though.”
“You saw that we weren't the bad guys,” said Cutty.
“I saw-saw-saw a lot of things today. I see-see-see that the Halix is wrong, and we need to stop killing the chawmooers.”
“Well that's good I guess,” said Cherry, not really knowing what was going on exactly.
“There's no-no-no time to explain,” said Willy-Wunka. “We have to-” but his speech was cut short. Emerging from the wreckage of a hairy restaurant was a chef flying the legendary ice dragon, Matt. Again, not a very menacing name for a great and powerful dragon.
His thick scales were shiny and icy blue, and his long flowing hair was white as winter snow. His powerful breath effortlessly froze everything in his wake.
“Matt!” yelled Willy-Wunka. “He knows I've defected to the Gongoozlers!”
Cherry had finally lost it. “Dude,” she said, “the hell?” She started shaking her head. “That's it. I'm done. I'm freakin' done.” She started walking away, stumbling over all the hair. “I'm getting real tired of all this weird bullshit. We're in a city made out of hair and there's a woolly mammoth talking to us, and now there's a goddang chef flying around on a goddang ice-breathing dragon. Why does a chef have a freaking dragon!? Of course. Of course. You know, sometimes I think there is a God, man, and he puts me into all these weirdo scenarios just to piss me right off! You know what? I'm out. Peace.” She then started marching away.
“It was your idea to come here, man,” said Galaxy-Man.
“Whatever,” said Cherry. “I'm gonna wait in the car and listen to Jimmy Buffett or something. Bring my back a diet Pepsi.”
Galaxy-Man ran over to Cherry and grabbed her by the shirt. “The Funk & Wagnalls you are!” he yelled. “Embrace the weird! Embrace it!!”
The terrible dragon came swooping down and everyone narrowly ducked.
“Oh-no-no-no, he's gonna crush our team with his terrible powers!” said Willy-Wunka.
“You mean the chef has powers, too!?” asked Galaxy-Man.
“He's talking about the dragon, dord!” yelled Cherry. She started scratching her head violently. “Sweaty hell my head itches!!”
Cutty stood with her blade ready, with the dragon in her sights. The dragon soared high into the sky and plummeted down at Cutty at a breakneck speed. Cherry and Galaxy-Man promptly ran out of the way, but Cutty stood her ground, not afraid of the dragon, not one bit.
“Jesus Christ, Cutty!!” yelled Galaxy-Man. “Get out of the way!!”
“Go on without me,” said Cutty. “I'll take care of the dragon.” She had a strong brow and the will of a true warrior. She was blinded by love and wanted nothing but to protect Galaxy-Man and Cherry.
“You're my hero, Cutty,” said a practically teary-eyed Galaxy-Man.
“Come on, Dad,” said Cherry. “We need to find Curler-Coon or whatever his dumb loser name is.”
Galaxy-Man reluctantly followed Cherry, traversing the twisted hairy surface of the wrecked city.
The dragon swooped down and Cutty jumped onto its back. The dragon flailed its neck wildly and Cutty was thrown into a building. Thankfully it was made of hair, so it didn't actually hurt at all. This only served to make Cutty mad.
The Halix, an army of colorful mammoths in Eazy-E shades no less, came storming down the streets with nefarious intentions. They marched in unison and chanted “Over-power! Over-power! Over-power!”
“Go-go-go to the bakery over there,” pointed Willy-Wunka with his hairy trunk as he walked over to Cherry and Galaxy-Man. “There are POWs there that can help you reach Curley-Cue.” With his trunk he reached into his back fur and pulled out a full bucket of water. Amazing how it remained unspilled being on his back. “Dump this bucket of ordinary water on him-him-him and he'll lose his power.”
“Aw, what?” asked Cherry. “That junk looks heavy.”
“What power?” asked Galaxy-Man.
“Who cares?” asked Cherry.
Galaxy-Man shook his head. He was fed up. “Am I just not allowed to ask questions today? I got a lot of questions, Cherry.”
But before Willy-Wunka could respond he was ambushed by the Halix. “Go now-now-now!” said Willy-Wunka. “I'll stay here and fight-fight-fight!”
Galaxy-Man and Cherry bolted for the bakery as fast as they could hobble, while Willy-Wunka and the Dreads fought the Halix. It was a brutal and deadly skirmish.
They ran into the bakery and there were chawmooers tied to the walls.
“Are they the POWs?” asked Cherry.
“Who cares?” asked Galaxy-Man, mockingly. He walked over and started untying them one by one, but not before grabbing a cherry tart from the counter. “Be free!” he yelled, crumbs spewing from his mouth. “Come on, Cher, let's get that dongle.”
“Let's do it, Father-Man.”
They both climbed onto a chawmooer together, ready to ride like the wind. Cherry sat in front, ready to lead the charge, but there was a problem.
“Hey, Dad,” said Cherry.
“What's up?”
“I sorta don't know how to ride a chawmooer.”
“Drat, neither do I.”
Then completely out of left field the chawmooer began to speak. “Don't worry dudes!!” said the chawmooer, loudly. “I'll take care of everything, man!!”
“Chawmooers can talk!?” asked Galaxy-Man in amazement.
“No,” replied the chawmooer, “just me!! Let's go, dudes!!”
Galaxy-Man and Cherry had reached a point where they stopped questioning things. They just went with it.
Outside, Cutty was still battling the terrible dragon while Willy-Wunka led the Gongoozlers into battle with the Halix. The chef flew the dragon high into the air and swooped down with amazing speed at Cutty. She rolled to the side and quickly leaped on the dragon's enormous wing. The dragon soared into the sky, beating its great wings ferociously trying to shake Cutty away, but she managed to hold on through all the jostling. Holding her sword in her teeth, Cutty climbed up the dragons neck over to the chef, which must have been tough with boxing gloves on.
“Go away!” screamed the chef. He was a tiny Asian man with a classic white chef's uniform and English definitely wasn't his first language.
“Never!!” screamed Cutty with her teeth tightly closed.
Galaxy-Man and Cherry came galloping down the street on the chawmooer as they watched Cutty battle the dragon.
“Holy hell,” said Galaxy-Man, “Cutty's gone full beast mode.”
“That's badass right there,” said Cherry, still carrying the bucket. “Why can't you be cool, Dad?”
Cutty wrestled the chef, bopping him on the face with her boxing gloves. She punched him in the face repeatedly. “WHY does a CHEF have a DRAGON!?” she yelled, emphasizing words whenever she punched.
“Because I eh-make eh-more money then you!!” yelled the chef, very Chinesely.
Galaxy-Man and Cherry rode along, following the DongleDar, the wind flowing through their itchy, parasite-ridden hair, and a dragon looming above them.
“We're already getting close,” said Cherry as she peered over at the DongleDar. “Chawmooers are faster than they look.”
“Thanks, dude!!” said the chawmooer.
They came to a city square in the middle of town and Curley-Cue was leading a violent protest near what appeared to be some sort of capitol building. Their terrible chants echoed through the smoking ashes of the fire-lit jungle of tangle knots which was just hours ago a bustling borough of grace and civility. “Over-power! Over-power!Over-power!” they bellowed.
“There he is!” yelled Cherry as the two galloped down the street.
“Get the water ready!” ordered Galaxy-Man. “We're 'bout to roll up him and smoke that punk boy!”
Overhead, the dragon swooped downward as Cutty battled the chef. The dragon seemed to be following Galaxy-Man and Cherry. He was attracted to the bucket of water Cherry was carrying. Ice dragons are born with the innate desire to freeze things with their icy breath, and in the wild they do this to freeze small ponds in order to catch fish to eat.
Faster and faster, Cherry and Galaxy-Man came up on Curley-Cue.
“Now!” screamed Galaxy-Man.
Cherry threw the bucket with all she had, not questioning how water was supposed to stop him. You might have an idea of what happens next. The bucket flew through the air and Curley-Cue was soaked.
“Ack!” yelled Curley-Cue. “What did you do-do that for?”
“Give up the dongle,” said Cherry, her itchy blue hair blowing in the wind.
“Never!!” replied Curley-Cue. “Also, what-what is a dongle?”
The dragon swooped down full speed and used his incredible icy breath on the city below.
“Hit the dirt!” yelled Galaxy-Man.
The chilly blast of air froze everything in sight, but Galaxy-Man, Cherry and the chawmooer took shelter under a nearby tree.
“Holy moly,” said Cherry, “who turned up the AC?”
“Look,” said Galaxy-Man, pointing to Curley-Cue, “his fur is completely frozen.”
“Dude.”
Without wasting a moment, Galaxy-Man rushed over and grabbed the dongle before Curley-Cue could regain his movement, but the rest of team Halix were furious and charged him without hesitation.
“Get them!” they yelled.
The chawmooer became scared and bolted. “Later, dudes!” he yelled as he fled the scene faster than The Flash chasing an Ice Cream truck.
“Uh-oh,” said Cherry. “Looks like this is the end, Dad.” They were certainly in one dilly of a pickle and there didn't seem to be any means for escape.
“I don't think so!!” yelled a voice in the sky. It was none other than April Cutty, and she rode a pale dragon. The cavalry had arrived.
“We're saved!” yelled Cherry.
“Don't get cocky,” replied Galaxy-Man, a stampede of angry mammoths fast approaching. “We only got one shot at this. Get on my back. I'll grab the dragon.”
Cherry nodded and hopped on her dad's back and held on tight. “Just so you know, if you miss, we die. No pressure.”
This was it, it was all or nothing. Their lives depended on Galaxy-Man catching the dragon.
“Galaxy-Man!!” yelled Cutty.
The dragon flew down and Galaxy-Man made a jump for it. He gave it all he had. He did it, he leaped high and clung to the dragon's meaty leg and Cherry held on to his back as tightly has she could. With Galaxy-Man loosely hanging on for dear life, the dragon suddenly soared upwards like a hang glider caught in an updraft, flying hundreds of feet into the sky. Galaxy-Man was shaken badly. He nearly lost his grip and fell to his certain death.
“Jesus Christ, Cutty,” yelled Galaxy-Man, “take it easy, man!”
“Oh, I'm sorry,” replied Cutty sarcastically, “I've never ridden a dragon before!!”
Galaxy-Man started climbing up the dragon's leg. “What? It's just like riding a pterodactyl. Nothing to it!”
“Dad, I'm scared!” cried Cherry, doing her very best to hang on as her father climbed.
“Hang in there, kiddo,” replied Galaxy-Man. He reached the top of the leg and climbed onto the dragon's back. From here, he crawled his way over to where Cutty was. She was trying her best to maneuver the beast with a system of ropes and pulleys similar to a horse's halter. She led the dragon back towards the Whomper as best she could.
“Hi guys,” said Cutty in a shaky voice. “Nice to see ya.”
“There's the Whomper!” pointed Cherry, still holding on to Galaxy-Man's back.
“We're too high,” said Galaxy-Man. “We need to go down now or we'll miss the Whomper!”
Flustered, Cutty began to smack the dragon's head with her boxing gloves. “Go down! Go down!” she cried. The dragon flailed its neck and began to fall.
“Uh-oh,” said Galaxy-Man, “we're going down!”
“Dammit, Cutty!” yelled Cherry.
“Do you wanna drive!?” she replied.
“Guys,” said Galaxy-Man, “we have to make a jump for it!”
“What!?” said Cherry and Cutty in unison.
“Look behind us,” he continued. “The mammoths are hot on our tail, and they're faster then they look! If we don't get to the Whomper fast, they'll get us for sure! On the count of three, we make a jump for that afro,” he pointed.
“Dad, I don't like that idea,” said Cherry.
“One,” said Galaxy-Man, ignoring Cherry's comment.
“It's too risky!” cried Cutty.
“Two,” he continued.
“Oh God!” cried Cutty, fearing the impending leap of faith.
“THREE!!!” Galaxy-Man grabbed their hands and they jumped together. Truth be told, they were only about 75 ft in the air at this point and unlikely to be killed even if they missed their target, given the planet's thick hair and relatively low gravity. Still, this was certainly a leap of faith, and success was far from assured. They all screamed as they hurdled towards the afro.
Luck was on their side and they landed successfully with a soft thud.
“We're alive!” cheered Cherry. “We made it!”
“Don't get cocky,” said Galaxy-Man again. “We're not out of the woods yet, Cherry.”
“Am I just not allowed to be cheery today!?”
“Come on!” yelled Cutty as they all climbed out of the afro. “The mammoths are approaching!”
“Give us back what belongs to us!” ordered one of the mammoths, referring to the dongle of course, though, they didn't actually know what it was.
“Never!!” snarled Cutty.
With dongle in hand, the gang ran towards the Whomper and rushed inside. Galaxy-Man ran over to the helm and pushed every button you could imagine to get that ship off the ground and into the sky.
“Go go go go go!!” urged Cherry.
“I'd love to stay and hair what they have to say,” said Galaxy-Man, “but I think we ought to cut this short!!”
Cherry face-palmed hard. “Ugh, I think I'm gonna roller over and dye.”
No time to waist, they flew upwards and quickly flew into space. Their adventure had finally reached its climax; the day was won. The ride home was very itchy thanks to the squips, and no amount of scratching could sooth their tingling scalps.
This was certainly one of the strangest days there ever was, but it was something that needed to happen. It was just the sort of odd and wonderful adventure that Galaxy-Man needed in order to show him that he needed excitement in his life, not just for him, but for his friends. They all loved him because he was interesting, and because he was different. The pain was still there, for sure, but Galaxy-Man was able to find the strength to be himself again, not just for him, but for those around him as well. For him to give up on life the way he did was selfish, and he realized that. He loved his friends more than anything, and for them, he fought.