Chapter Seventeen.
We all fall down
The summer holidays are looming, beckoning me with open arms into relaxation, fun and freedom. I’ve already switched into ‘lazy’ mode.
As I get to class I realize it isn’t just me, everyone else is busy talking about their summer plans, looking zesty, care-free, relived of the burden of assignments.
At lunchtime Calix is nowhere to be seen. I guess he must be late. He never misses school.
After hanging out with Jasmine all of lunchtime, I head back to class worrying why Calix hasn’t shown up today.
I text him, just to put my mind at rest. ‘Hi. Everything ok? Why the no-show at school?
Txt back ,S xx.’
I’ve returned home from school. It’s eight o’clock and still no reply. My stomach is aching from worry. I’ve even finished my last assignment just to give me something to do and take my mind off all my dark and wildly improbable thoughts which try to come up with answers as to why Calix, the usually one hundred per cent attendance student didn’t show.
I wake up much earlier than usual, it’s still dark outside but I feel so stressed and haven’t slept properly. I feel too awake and restless to lie in bed until my alarm clock sounds.
I check my phone, still nothing. Although it’s not like I wasn’t expecting that, I’ve been checking it eagerly all through the night, assuming I must have missed the vibration that alerts me to text messages in the twenty or so minutes I managed to doze in the whole night.
School couldn’t come quick enough today. I pace up and down, impatient, not knowing
what to do with myself, which is worsened by the fact that I have got up early. I catch sight of myself in the mirror and see the results of my sleepless night. But I don’t care about such shallow and meaningless things as appearance right now. I’m so worried about Calix. I text him again, communicating my fears and agitation this time. ‘Calix please reply, I’m going out of my mind with worry. Seren, x.’ Not relying on texts alone, I have left him countless voicemails.
Sometimes I like hearing his voicemail message just to listen to his voice when I’m not with him.
If he doesn’t turn up to school or text me back to let me know what’s going on today, then I’m going back to The City of the Broken alone to find him.
Hair brushed, dressed, and finally ready to go.
I rush to the school gates. No I am not waiting until lunchtime, I’ll go into his class and find out if he’s there if I have to. Fortunately, I see that Calix is standing outside the entrance of the school .He looks even more tired than me. It’s the first time I have ever seen his perfect hair a mess.
“Calix,” I call running to him.
“Oh Seren. I’ve been waiting for you, I’m so glad you are here,” he says, his eyes looking sad and lost.
“What wrong? Why haven’t you replied to my texts or answered any of my calls?” I ask concerned.
“Sorry, I didn’t know about them. I switched my phone off,” he says.
“Oh. Well why did you miss school? I’ve been worried about you.”
“It’s Dad. He died in the early hours of yesterday morning. I spent all of yesterday talking to Doctors, crying and not knowing what to do, what to think,” says Calix looking traumatized, shaking his head.
I realize his eyes look puffy and red from crying, not just lack of sleep.
“Oh Calix! I am so sorry. I can’t believe it! I never thought your Dad would die. When you were missing it did cross my mind that maybe he was unwell and you were looking after him, but this is such a shock! How did he die?” I ask, feeling extremely shocked and surprisingly grief stricken at the loss of my number one enemy.
“Heart failure, the doctors said. I should have done something Seren, I knew it felt too serious just to be flu. I should have forced him to see a doctor,” says Calix, working himself up into a terrible state.
“Well even if you had done that you might not have saved him. This is tragic Calix, but don’t blame yourself please,” I say ,touching his arm to comfort him.
“You don’t understand. I think I may have brought it on, worsened his condition. I hate myself Seren,” he says.
“Calix ,no! Don’t be ridiculous, he was ill. You didn’t cause this!” I say.
“Oh but I did. Well he was ill already ,as you know. But in the evening before he died I went to see how he was, and he looked chirpier. And I started to feel relieved like I’d imagined all those serious consequences in my head. Because he seemed to be improving, I felt it was okay to broach matters concerning the city. As usual, he was defiant .Anyway, things got a little heated and I was so annoyed that I told him that he was punishing the city and the citizens and you and I because he’d lost Mum and he was bitter. I’ve never seen him look so hurt. He told me to leave him alone, so I did. And in the morning I felt really guilty about what I’d said, I thought I’d been really harsh so I went to make it up to him. I knocked, several times and he didn’t answer, so I just walked in. And that’s when I found him, lying dead on the floor. I stood frozen in the doorway ,hoping in my heart he’d just collapsed ,but I instinctively knew the truth. I ran over and called him over and over. And when I felt his pulse, my own breathe stopped and I shook violently. He was dead. My own father, my only family, gone forever,” says Calix, recounting his tale in a combination of anguish, disbelief and tears.
“Calix!” I say, starting to cry a little myself.
“Calix, it wasn’t your fault. Appearances can be deceiving, he was ill, we both know he was. It was nothing to do with what you said ,don’t you dare blame yourself .I know you’ve lost your family, but you still have me. Please don’t cry,” I say, hugging him.
“I know he could be so horrible sometimes but I loved him so much Seren. He was my Dad, I’ll never feel the same again. Everything is different now,” he chokes.
“I know, I know. Calix, I really don’t think you should be at school today, you need to go home so you can grieve and be at peace,” I say, leading him away from the door.
“I’m not staying. I only came in to see you Seren, to tell you what happened. Alfred’s in the car park waiting for me,” he says, sobbing still.
“Hey Calix ,do you want me to come with you to the City? You’ll feel lonely in the palace now your Dad’s not there,” I say.
“If you don’t mind Seren. Though I wouldn’t want you to miss school because of me,” he says, sniffing and wiping the left behind tear drops from his eyes.
“No ,it’s fine. I’ll come. I won’t miss anything important today and I don’t want you to feel you are alone,” I say, getting into the car besides him.
We drive to the city. Calix remains distant and slumped the whole journey and even Alfred looks saddened. Even though I resented the King, I still feel upset that he’s dead .I guess it’s always a revelation when anyone dies. When they’ve gone, you always see the good qualities, the personality that’s no longer here. The King had character. I can’t deny he was a strong, charismatic presence. A feisty man who always knew how to get what he wanted. All of that, that bright spark snuffed out so quickly. When he was alive I only saw his negative traits, how he was a barrier to my happiness. I thought him an obstacle that could never be overcome, but now he’s gone. Eliminated as though he never existed at all. Calix is right. It will never be the same. Everything is different now.
The City is very quiet today. Still, peaceful. The citizens I see walking around are dressed in black, as usual. Their steps are slower and their eyes gleam with the astonishment of the unexpected death.
The only sign of drama here today is the huge headline displayed on a cinema sized screen in the centre of the city. ‘Breaking News: King of the City of the Broken is dead. Prince Calix in line to be crowned King.’
Of course, I completely forgot the Kings death will have a bearing on Calix in more ways than that of a son losing a father. Calix will now become King. What a great responsibility and weight for him to carry on his shoulders.
“Calix, sorry if this is an inappropriate time to ask, but when are you going to be crowded King?” I ask, stunned by the headline.
“Oh yes, that. The palace are arranging everything right now. The coronation and the funeral will be in the same week,” he says not sounding fazed by this.
“Oh Calix, I’m so sorry. This must be such a burden to bear. Losing your Father, being in the public eye and having the duty of becoming King thrust on you at a young age,” I say, feeling sorry for him.
“Yes it is. But I’ve been prepared for a day like this ever since I was a young boy. Obviously I never expected Dad to die so young and so suddenly, but these things happen and Dad would expect me to do my duty. The last thing he’d want is for me to start panicking and shunning my role as King,” says Calix maturely.
“Yes that’s true. But don’t put too much pressure on yourself. It’s okay for you to mourn Calix.
Don’t let the coronation overtake your paying the last respects to your Dad,” I say.
“I’ll be sure to focus my attentions equally on the funeral and the coronation. As for mourning, I couldn’t think of a more appropriate city to do so. It’s an everyday feature here,” he says with a flicker of a smile on his heartbroken face.
We drive to the palace. Photographers wait by the gate to try and capture the broken Prince in mourning, but to no avail thanks to the blacked out windows on the Rolls-Royce and Alfred’s decision to drive to the back entrance. Ever the loyal shield of royalty.
Calix is so gentle and sensitive, he really doesn’t deserve all these bad things that happen to him.
We step out of the Rolls-Royce and walk together hand in hand into the palace. It really does feel different in here. The staff are awkward and unsure of how to greet Calix. Subtle smiles fade quickly and Calix looks at the floor, avoiding eye contact with everyone.
“Come on Seren, let’s go to my room,” says Calix in a frustrated tone.
“Calix, do you really think I should be here? You know what your Dad’s feelings were about my being in the palace. Do you think it’s a little disrespectful for me to ignore his ban?” I ask quietly, hoping that I won’t further upset Calix by asking this question.
“Dad is dead now Seren, he doesn’t know or care that you are here. He can’t feel anymore, all his anger, his bitterness, his obsessions are gone forever. The guards won’t drag you out now.
They are answerable to me now. Dad doesn’t exist,” he says coldly, repeating his fathers absence as if to make the idea more real to himself.
“Yes Calix he’s dead, but we can still honour his wishes and his memory,” I say, feeling that I should still try and abide by some of the Kings wishes in respect.
“Why? You didn’t care about honouring them when he was alive. You’ll just have to adjust to the situation. There are no Seren bans as of this moment and I shall let all the staff know this shortly. Right at this moment I need to reflect. I feel like I’m seeing the world anew, as a different person now. I was a son who followed orders before, now I’m independent, a man who has to listen to no one but who also has no one there for guidance, advice. Fatherly support, if he ever gave me that, died alongside Dad. It’s selfish of me to think this, but I can’t help but worry if I’ll be able to cope,” he says, looking afraid.
“Of course you’ll cope. Calix, you are the strongest and bravest person I know. You have sound judgement, a balanced perspective and you also have me and all the staff at the palace, as well as the citizens who I’m sure will be delighted that you are the next King. I know you’ll handle this huge task brilliantly,” I reassure him, believing in him with every confidence.
“I hope so Seren,” he says doubtfully.
There is an emptiness here today in the palace. Like a dog that aches for his lost master, feeling like an empty shell, a purposeless existence is now all he has, so the palace felt like this today.
The flag is at half-mast and a domineering presence, that would cause me extreme anxiety in other circumstances is missing. It’s better to be here broken, than not here at all. Calix is very introspective today, aloof and closed off. Not his usual talkative, sweet self but who can blame him? Maybe that’s why his Dad made so many decisions, Calix could remain a little boy that way. Now he really does have to grow up, fast. It’s a sink or swim situation. This pressure coupled with immense grief would cause most people to have a nervous breakdown ,but Calix is not most people. He has an extraordinary ability to turn an impossible situation into a series of tasks, which when handled one by one become quite easily manageable. I admire him for that. The citizens have inherited a noble and brave leader, not to mention one who is kind and just. A relief I’m sure after years of putting up with a tyrant. Just as I’m convinced that things will all run smoothly, Calix makes me jump as he stands abruptly and throws the cushion he was clinging to onto the floor with considerable force.
“Oh Seren, I’ve had enough! Why can’t I ever just relax and enjoy life, carefree and normal like everyone else? It’s always one thing after another,” he says, storming off in a fit of rage.
“Calix! Where are you going? Please calm down!” I call, but he ignores me, slamming the palace door, going out into the city but where I do not know.
Calix has been gone for an hour. I’m getting so worried. I hope he’s not going to do anything stupid. I’ve checked if he’s taken the car, but both Alfred and the Rolls Royce are still here. I’m tempted to ask Alfred to drive around and look for him. He’s become so temperamental. I can’t keep up with his moods. Although with the loss of his Dad that’s understandable.
As it starts to get darker, reflecting the content of my thoughts, I hear the front door of the palace open and close quietly. I rush out of the sitting room where I have spent all day waiting and feel instantly relieved of my anguish when I see Calix is the one who just entered.
“Calix! Where have you been?” I ask furiously.
“Just for a walk. I needed to clear my mind,” he says calmly.
“A walk? You’ve been gone hours! I’ve been going out of my mind, I thought that maybe something had snapped and you weren’t thinking straight. You stormed off so suddenly,” I say.
“I felt angry and resentful earlier Seren but I feel better now, more at peace with things. I just needed to be alone, to think,” he says, looking at me intently.
“Well you could have told me that! I’ve been waiting for you all day with my stomach in knots and my heart in my throat,” I say.
“I’m sorry Seren, really. This is a difficult time for me,” he says truthfully.
“I know, I’m sorry too. But in future if you need some alone time, please tell me first, just to relieve me of the worry I’ll experience if you don’t,” I say.
He walks over and hugs me.
“I will. I promise,” he says, kissing the top of my head gently.
Calix drives me home in the Rolls-Royce and his expression, while still pained is now lighter, more at ease.
“Isn’t it traditional to wait a while after a death until a coronation?” I ask Calix, bemused at these back to back opposing events.
“Anywhere but here. This is the City of the Broken, endings and beginnings go hand in hand,” he says.
“That’s true, I guess. Are you nervous about becoming king?” I ask him.
“Well it is a little daunting but at the same time I feel like I’ve been preparing my whole life for this moment. I want to be the King that the citizens deserve Seren, the King they should have always had,” he smiles innocently.
“I know you do Calix, and you will be. The best King the City has ever had. Do you know when your Dads funeral is?” I ask gently, not wanting to get Calix upset again now that he’s looking perkier.
“Yes, it’s on Wednesday. It’ll be a huge state funeral. I’m not looking forward to having to mourn publicly,” he says solemnly, frowning at the thought.
“Am I invited? I mean, do you think that it’s appropriate, your Dad did hate me after all,” I say sceptically.
“I know you and Dad weren’t on the best of terms, but I need you to be there for support Seren, to have a friendly face there who isn’t judging or evaluating me,” he says, looking worried and lost.
“Don’t think that Calix, people aren’t judging you. They all know it’s been a shock for you losing your Dad so soon and that it’s not going to be an easy task taking on the role of King as young as you are. Anyway the funeral is about saying goodbye to the King, not scrutinising you.
Don’t fret,” I say, leaning my forehead against his.
“I guess so. I shouldn’t care anyway, I shouldn’t be so egotistical. I don’t care if the whole world is judging me. I’ve lost my Dad, my eyes are sore from crying and the dark shadows under my eyes are blacker than the night. I’m exhausted, physically and emotionally. I’m sorry you’ve had to put up with this Seren. I’ve put you through so much. You deserve a better boyfriend than me,” he says in an almost ashamed tone.
“Calix, stop it! I’m the luckiest girl in the whole world to have you. You are like an angel-altruistic and beautiful, innocent yet knowing. I could never get a better boy than you even if I looked for one my whole life. I’m blessed to have found the ultimate so young,” I say, smiling at him.
“You make me out to be better than I actually am Seren. An angel? A fallen one perhaps. All our relationship has involved is struggles against Dad, our marriage being called off and even when he’s dead he’s still destroying us because I’ve become a wreck. You should have a boyfriend who takes you to parties, to the beach, who makes you laugh. Not one who puts the woes of the world on you like I do. Seren, do you want to leave me?” he asks, out of the blue.
“No! Calix, I am here to support you every step of the way. I never want to leave you, you are the only thing that makes me happy. I don’t care for parties, and all this woe is just a phase.
You’ll come to terms with your Dads death sooner or later, although I know that’s hard to believe right now. Then there will be just us, free to be with each other forever without interruption. Your grief is making you needy and insecure. I will never leave you,” I say forcefully, holding both his hands.
“Okay. I believe you. I just feel so very alone now that my Dads gone, like I don’t have anyone to turn to anymore. And if I didn’t have you, I think I would just die,” he says, his eyes sparkling with terror.