Macy wouldn't have me share this depiction of her, and would prefer I make a long letter about her other boyfriend, the captain. But as I sit in first class drinking short Cokes I think of how her ex-boyfriend Mika almost died in a shooting, which is how I met Macy at Mom’s.
The path which led me to her was one I followed through weakness not courage and that must make her feel enraged. But she shall never read this, I suppose. No fire could take her but it was fire which consumed me when we were together. Although the way I see her all the time gives me wonder: will leaving help? Nor validation finds me, flying to my new home, nor comfort nor satisfaction. It is truly the outlaw of my conscience who could make me be so at unease for such a period of time. Exact matches we may be, we cannot say to each other that as lovers we made any kind of real progress. That is her loss. So I will continue about her.
At long last, I had been initiated into the cult of personality surrounding her family and personal life. I had hit the pipe and smoked enough cigarettes for her and her mother to design a short mission I could help execute at the casino. My girlfriend had arranged for us to meet the man who had shot the recently appointed captain.
I didn't know why the captain was so important, but apparently a man named Roger Ethan had shot him because of Chem 2, the substance which was going to be legalized very soon by our government.
That was the reason we were at the casino: to search him out. The captain had been hired by the government as a survivor on a war on drugs and did whatever Macy told him. He was simply a very strong man that Macy had dated. She use him in an important purpose to give Chem 2 a touch of legitimacy. Instead of being an uncontrollable cultural mythos, she wanted to create a plethora of realities that the organization imagined. It was the honor and courage of the captain Mika which allowed him to skip out on attendance.
He said I was going to get myself into to some crazy shit.
He was once a low-level drug lord and had been shot and survived. When Macy recruited him to comfort civilians who knew very little of the pathology of drug use, he began working towards the wake-up call about the reality of Chem 2 legalization. He focused especially on the strong stuff called “kind bud.” It was tough for me with my high school diploma to understand, and I did a miserable job being of use which of course caused me intense anxiety and nearly got them all in real trouble.
The captain, who had with her thought he was above the law and now worked for peace, or civilians, was the player in a CIA effort to comfort us about the legalization of weed. The captain was a man with street experience who could lead us to a better understanding of Chem 2 by getting us the good, valuable “kind.” Chem 2 was safer than Chem 1.
I was the newbie and the focus of everybody's attention who knew the mission at the casino: her, her mother, me, and Jed.
By the final hour I had without care accused her of stealing my car, although it was parked where I left it. That is enough detail to see the whole story. I thought the second half of the casino was too scary to approach at first. I imagined it was a place of dissection and torture where Mika would find me to execute eventually. By now you get the gist. I couldn't find Roger Ethan, and called Jed who was trying to help us stay organized from the parking lot. He said I was doing well, laughing. I told him I needed Macy.
*
The objective of the mission was to trade cell phones for the benefit of Roger Ethan's gross rage and envy of our skirmishing ability. I would give her mother my cell phone in the casino in front of Roger Ethan who was at the lotto machines pushing away at buttons. It took me hours to find her mother, but I knew through odd hints on the drive with her to the place that was the plan and I had nothing else but to stick to it.
The bet-masters were watching me very closely, including security, as I trekked through the hallways into each room, scanning the crowd. I had lost her mother quickly because I thought she intended to hide from me. When I did find her, I realized she had gone off in search of Roger Ethan who had been tricked into coming by a phone call or weird suggestion from Mika.
My awkward, towering body approached her figure which had formed a vulnerable position right next to the huge man Roger Ethan. I was so intoxicated from the drug Chem 1 that when I reached her, my arm was outstretched, holding the phone. My hands opened without volition as I was shaking to drop it next to her and Roger Ethan. That was the closest I felt to death that night. Before I could tell if she picked up the phone, or if Roger Ethan saw my attempt to hand it over, I ambled off without trying to fetch either the phone or attention. I already felt I had enough from the people who worked there and yet the other gamblers barely noticed. My next goal was to find Macy and go home.
*
Circling the blackjack tables, I heard my own voice speaking to me for the first time. It was hers. The influence of Chem 1 is ephemeral and memorable, like a cold version of hell. I regret that I was so intoxicated I went from one end of the huge complex to the other in search of her. My quest led me to the parking lot, where I gathered she was sitting in a vehicle from another call to Jed. I couldn't find my car, though.
Eventually I panicked. I found a security guard who could have even been a police officer and desperately asked for help. Being strung out, it is surprising I wasn’t arrested. He interrogated me in good humor, probably suspecting I was on not worth jailing.
“Who are you with?” he asked.
I told him about Macy and her Mom. I said I couldn’t find my car, which is where Macy probably was. We walked to where I thought I had parked and I said she had stolen it.
I found the car soon after the cop wrote his report and ramped up on the highway to leave but a trucker on the wrong side of the road tried to crash head-long into me. Reality was definitely taking a turn for the worst, because I imagined Mika had arranged a hit on me. She tolerated this in her patient way when I told her afterwards. But, should I have been the one who felt ratted out?
I skidded to the side of the road and turned around and re-entered the casino parking lot. Itself was like an ashtray of cars which burned like cigarette butts. I saw a police vehicle.
I wasn’t sure if she was being arrested. However, I did know that this was from where she monitored me. She shouted from the window I had lasted several hours and the car rolled away. That was an unreal yet calming vision. And I did think I was dead the entire time. She already knew me so well.
I finally left, leaving her mother and her, and went back to Macy’s friend Anne’s apartment. Macy had given me Anne’s number beforehand in case the mission failed. Macy with her flip of red hair and her mother wearing a cowgirl jacket didn’t show up at all or even call me. Did I get her arrested? It was their plan after all. If it failed, it could not possibly be my fault, right? I was a newbie.
Anne went restlessly to sleep. I passed out on her couch.