Chapter 14
Daylight broke, shining through the sky roof and crack in the wall. Dust sparked universes between books. Kimber approached the table. Her hair was frazzled. She seemed weary. She studied their activity. Tay said hi, and only then did the rest of the group acknowledge her.
“Hungry?” Fersia asked.
“You all sat here and played a game while I was being terrorized?” Kimber asked.
“Yeah, it was pretty funny,” Tay said.
“What?!” Kimber asked.
“The game. It’s kind of funny,” Tay said. “Want to play?”
“I was troubled!” Kimber said.
“By a mouse,” Lester said.
“There’s a mouse?” Fersia asked.
“It’s gone now,” Kimber said. “No thanks to any of you.”
Three troopers came in and pointed weapons at them, demanding they surrender at once.
Lester looked to Tay, unconcerned: “Your roll.”
Tay rolled. One of the troopers fell through the floor, swallowed by the pattern that resembled the results of atom smashing. Another was grabbed by tentacles and drawn up and away. His weapons discharged and shot across the table. The third collapsed, his uniform breaking into pieces that revealed nothing but an empty shell.
“That was close,” Tay said.
“Yeah, well, try not to use the same spell over and over,” Lester said.
“What just happened?” Kimber asked.
“While you were being troubled, we’ve been surrounded by Troopers,” Lester said.
“Fortunately for us, we’re in a library. The books are hungry.”
Kimber blinked. “I am going to go take a nap.”
“You should,” Lester said. “You look tired.”
Kimber glared menacingly at Lester.
“What? I am only echoing what you already owned,” Lester said.
“Fuck you,” Kimber said.
“The honeymoon is over,” Lester commented. “Your turn Fersia.”
She drew a card from the deck. “I kick open the door and… Oh, fuck.” Major Arcana, the 13th trump card, with Donald Trump’s image- wearing a trooper uniform without a mask. “Is this a novelty card?”
“And we were having such a good time before you invoked that meme,” Lester said.
“I didn’t invoke it…”
“You drew it…”
“It was random…”
“There is no random…”
“It’s your deck…”
“What’s wrong?” Lakin asked.
“Oh, nothing. Just the potential death of everything and everyone,” Lester said. “Roll two ten sided die…”
Fersia hesitated.
“Do it,” Lester said.
“If we don’t do it, maybe we can delay its activation?” Fersia asked.
“Or expedite it,” Lester said.
Fersia sighed, dug out two ten sided die, and rolled them. She spoke what she saw. “Forty two.” She smiled. “That’s Jon’s favorite number.”
“We have forty two minutes to live and you’re invoking Jon’s preferred meme?” Lester asked.
“Well, it could be worse,” Fersia said.
“How?” Lester said.
“It could be 14 minutes,” Tay offered.
“What’s wrong with you?!” Lester snapped at her.
“Oh, don’t snap at her,” Fersia said.
“She’s trying to shorten the clock!” Lester said.
“She can’t shorten it. Look, Tay, we read left to right so it’s forty two,” Fersia said.
Tay seemed to be sorting it. “Is it still Tuesday?”
There was silence. Fersia bit her lips. Lester took a drink from his cup and then began packing away his artifacts. Fersia began collecting her artifacts. Tay followed suit, putting her stuff in a box, and then into a nifty purse she had won in play. More things fit into her purse than could be explain by physics- which meant it was a normal, woman’s purse. Fersia left the novelty card on the table.
“Are we done?” Lakin asked.
“Yes, get ready to depart,” Lester said.
“What about that card, you’re just leaving it?” Lakin asked.
“Yep. Feel free to collect it,” Fersia said, verbally relinquishing her hold on the card.
Lester glared at her even as Lakin picked up the card, and discovered the reverse side had changed. Lester cursed. “Fuck me; a double bind.”
“What does this mean?” Lakin asked.
“Means we can’t leave,” Kimber said.
“What?”
“We have to abide,” Lester said.
“What?”
“Bide, to stay. That’s Biden. We’re abiding, staying,” Fersia said.
“I am confused,” Tay said.
“As is every other intelligent adult who would like to have some other options,” Lester said.
“What do we do now?”
A solitary trooper in a pink uniform arrived. She took off her helmet, revealing herself to be Chiara. “Lester, thank god I found you. I need your help.”
“Of course you do,” Lester said.
“I will get you past the guards,” Chiara said.
“Oh, that’s helpful,” Fersia said. “A ruse? We pretend to be your prisoner?”
“Yes. We must go straight way to the internment camp,” Chiara said.
“That’s the ruse?” Lester complained.
“Oh, has Jon and Loxy gone and got themselves caught and we have to rescue them?” Fersia said.
“I don’t know about Loxy. I get the sense Jon is in serious trouble, but Alish and Keera are being held hostage at the internment camp. We need to free them, find Jon and Loxy, and get off this planet,” Chiara said.
“All in forty two minutes,” Fersia said.
“What?”
“We have evidence that isn’t going to happen,” Lester said.
“We can rescue our friends and be off this planet in 42 minutes,” Fersia argued. “We greater miracles in less time.”
“Well, in addition to rescuing our friends, in order to get off world we also have to find the antennae array that has been disrupting hyperspace around the planet. Ideally if we could find the computer system that hacked our hyperspace network, that would help restore the order.”
“Oh, well, we’re screwed,” Fersia said.
“Just like always. Let’s start with freeing Alish and Keera,” Lester said.
“I don’t get it. You say we’re screwed, but still going forward as if there is hope?” Lakin asked.
“Yes, why not?” Lester asked.
“We only have forty two minutes to accomplish what?!”
“More like 39 minutes,” Lester corrected.
“What?” Fersia asked.
“It doesn’t stay forty two forever!” Lester snapped at her.
“It does if it’s a constant,” Tay snapped back.
“I love her,” Fersia said.
“Wake Kimber, we’re out of here,” Lester said.
“You wake her. I am afraid of her,” Lakin said.
“Fucking troubled ass people everywhere I go,” Lester said. “Fersia, go wake her.”
“It could take a moment,” Fersia said.
“Just wake her!”
“Are you guys still using metaphors to confuse me?” Tay asked.
“No,” Lester said even as Fersia said “Yes.”
“Has everyone lost their minds?” Chiara asked.
“Yes,” Lester said as Fersia said “no.”
“We’re doomed, aren’t we,” Lakin said.
“You’re the one carrying the card,” Lester said.
Lakin went to put it down, but Lester blocked with a cane.
“Eh, eh,” Lester said. “You picked it up, you have to carry it until you can properly dispose of it or play it off on someone else.”
“I don’t want it,” Lakin said.
“Sorry,” Lester said.
निनमित
Afansy paced the circled. The edge of the firelight was as solid as a wall. He kept his distance from Loxy. The closest he came was the opposite side of the camp fire. Loxy watched him. She didn’t offer him a drink.
“You can’t keep me here,” Afansy said.
“You were born into this world. You are subject to the laws of the land,” Loxy said.
“So are you…”
“I wasn’t born here,” Loxy said. “While I am here, I am held to a greater level of scrutiny and responsibility.”
“Jon wasn’t born here…”
“He was. A long time ago. And he died here,” Loxy said. “And so the rule set for him his a little different. This is your first life here…”
“You’re not allowed to alter the timeline. You can’t kill me,” Afansy said.
“I am not allowed to alter the timeline,” Loxy agreed. “You think I want to kill you?”
“You’re feminist Nazi whore…”
Loxy held a hand up in protest and he fell silent. He glared.
“Do that again, and I will…”
Loxy did it again. He found himself silenced.
“Just as I can’t kill you, you can’t touch me. We can, on the other hand, have a conversation, but only if we agree to civil discourse and agree to terms,” Loxy said.
“Fuck you, bitch. You want my…”
Loxy held a hand. He fell silent.
“Do you want to work on your anger?” Loxy asked.
He struggled to say something.
“It helps if you breathe before speaking,” Loxy said. She stood and stretched. She came forward to the fire and warmed her hands. “There is some utility in fire. Even in anger. In what ways has it been useful to you?”
Afansy struggled but he found in short measured, with deliberate choice of words, that he could speak. “I am not playing this with you. You’re a whore. You can’t deny me service.”
Loxy smiled. “I am a Dakini. I don’t just bring sex. I bring education. I brink jokes. I bring joy. I bring health. I bring humility. You say you want to learn to fly, I lead you to a cliff and I push you off.”
“Murderess, feminist, Nazi…”
“Do you realize, those terms don’t work here? On the surface and here in the Underground, they don’t have the power they do on Earth, where you and Jon originate,” Loxy said.
“I am not from Earth. I was born here…”
“I know who you really are,” Loxy said. “You have borrowed this language set from the Gift; for you they have become a curse the cage that binds you. They have limited your perception of others. They have unduly raised your esteem. In what ways has anger worked against you?”
“I am not interested in your therapy, you leftist, Marxist bitch…” Afansy said.
“All interaction is therapy. Somewhere between the extreme Right and Left, between chaos and structure is life. All interaction is opportunity to learn about yourself or others,” Loxy explained. “You can hurt people, heal people, or leave them unchanged. How you affect others is ultimately how you affect yourself.”
“The Jon and Loxy theory of love is fucked up. You’re not going to change this world with love. People need to know their place. They need discipline. They need structure…” Afansy said.
“Is that what you got growing up?” Loxy asked.
“It’s not about me!” Afansy said. “The world is going to end and you’re talking about love and shit, when we need law enforcement, control, compliance…”
“So, you want to beat people into submission?” Loxy said.
“They either subscribe to the authority of the land, or die,” Afansy said.
“Explain Kea. How does raping her make sense in this rule of law?” Loxy asked.
“She is a whore and fleeing from her master. She gets what deserves,” Afansy said.
“Sounds like what your father told you when he raped you at night. You ran away, they brought you back…” Loxy pointed out.
Afansy fist clenched.
“I have access to it all,” Loxy said. “We can unpack this if you want…”
“You’re not going to talk this into being better. I am not ever going to be okay with this,” Afansy said. “And if you say I chose this life, I will fucking kill you- I will find a way to overcome the blocks and I will fucking cut your head off and fuck your skull…” He quit on his own. He turned to the shadows.
“You’re right,” Loxy agreed. “I am not going to talk it into better. You shouldn’t be okay with it. Shit is shit. We can agree on that, can’t we?”
Afansy didn’t respond to her. He stared out into the darkness.
“What do you see in the shadows?” Loxy asked.
“He is here, isn’t he,” Afansy stated.
“Who is here?”
“My father,” Afansy said.
“You’re worried he is out there in the shadows, but not worried he is still in your head, manipulating you even now?” Loxy asked.
“He is out there. I know it,” Afansy said.
“Everyone who ever lived and died on the surface lives a second life in the
Underground,” Loxy said.
“It’s not fair,” Afansy said. “Why should he have a second life?”
“Equality of outcome means everyone gets to live again,” Loxy said.
“That’s fucked up,” Afansy said. “If I find him, I will kill him again.”
“You can’t murder the dead,” Loxy said. “Also, as you said, you can’t forget and forgive, and so- what’s left? The only way we can have you two work out your grievances is through amnesia...”
“Fuck that!” Afansy said. “I will never forget.”
“Good for you,” Loxy said.
Afansy stared at her. “You’re not going to trick me.”
“Not trying to trick you. It takes a lot of strength to carry that shit for all eternity. Most people get tired. They chose amnesia. They start over. In your paradigm, there is only the choice to get stronger or to heal. Maybe that’s why death is written into the human genome. Being strong is exhausting.”
“I will never forget,” Afansy said.
“Even in sleep?” Loxy asked.
“I hate sleeping,” Afansy said.
“Recurring nightmares of past shit?” Loxy asked. “Being determined not forget sounds like torture.”
Afansy’s hands shook. “You want me to forget?”
“No. I want to use it in a way that’s useful, that promotes health for you and others,” Loxy said. “As long as you are torturing yourself, you will torture others. If you ignore it and pretend it’s not there, you will still be tortured and torture others, you just want have explanation as to why shit continues to happen to you and around you. There is a way out. It’s not easy. It can be a long arduous journey, which takes more strength, courage, and compassion than simple anger. You can’t keep blowing things up and thinking it’s going to end well.”
“You bore me,” Afansy said.
He returned to his spot on the ground and defiantly laid down. In his pretending to be asleep, he fell asleep. Tae-Ann woke up. She came up suddenly, as if startled. She took longer to orientate to her position in time and space. She stared into the darkness for the longest time. She walked the edge of the light, which oscillated to and fro like wave on a beach. It was not a solid barrier for her, but one that fluxed- like a person breathing. She went to each of the twenty, checking on their well-being and only after seeing to all of them did she notice Loxy standing there. She seemed confused, but accepted her presence without comment or thought, accepted the drink with a unspoken politeness. She sipped as she faced the fire, comforted by a chill that she couldn’t identify. She was surprised by the taste of her drink, stared into the cup, and then realized Loxy also had a drink. She was puzzled, as she had not seen Loxy move to get a drink. It was almost as if she remembered taking the cup from Loxy, and even as she acquired it, the cup remained in Loxy’s hand. She had an epiphany ‘We’re drinking from the same cup!’ and then it was gone as she turned to the fire.
“Dream well?”
“I think I have slept too much,” Tae-Ann said. “We need to get out of here.”
“You do. A way is being prepared. You should know, only two of you can get out. And as the ring bearer, you must be one of the two,” Loxy said.
Tae-Ann tried to throw her cup into the fire. She found she couldn’t let go. She wanted to shout and be angry, but she found herself beyond calm.
“I don’t understand. I am unworthy. You should take the ring,” Tae-Ann said.
“I cannot go with you,” Loxy said. “The next time you wake, you will be on the path.
There is an easy path. There is a hard path. Only one will take you to where you need to be.”
“What happens to the others?”
“I can’t tell you. I can’t tell you your fate,” Loxy said.
Tae-Ann faced Loxy. “But you know. And you’re just going to stand here and drink tea with me?”
“It’s good, isn’t it?” Loxy asked.
Tae-Ann’s face reflected the inner turmoil that couldn’t be sustain. She even tried smiling at the end, but it faded. “Actually. What is this place?”
“A place of rest,” Loxy said.
“I don’t like it. I feel numb,” Tae-Ann said.
“You feel normal,” Loxy said.
“No, I feel empty. I don’t feel anything!” Tae-Ann said.
“You’ve read the Gift. You know what Jon offers. Life is some good, some bad, and whole hell of a lot of neutral. We’re supposed to feel good when good things happens and feel bad when bad things happen. If you’re neutral and you come upon a flower, you feel good. If you’re above neutral, you’re already feeling good, flowers take you to rainbows and unicorn levels of happiness where sparkly fairies and Leprechauns pop into view. If you’re above neutral, dead puppy brings you to neutral. ‘Oh well, death happens. I ran over a squirrel yesterday. Life goes on.’ If you’re below neutral, it can take a bit of anger to get you motivated in the morning/ Dead puppy takes you down to despair. ‘Why is this world so hard- I want to die.’ Flowers take you to neutral, ‘yeah, so what. There’s a whole field there, go pick yourself one.’ You’re not supposed to get stuck in these places. You’re not supposed to be Six Flags, either. That’s exhausting, up and down and around again. What you are feeling right now is base line- you’re grounded for the first time ever. This is not numbness. The problem is, you never experienced normal in your life. Even in you meditations you were aiming at bliss, not neutrality. It will take you awhile to acclimate to normal. When you say you feel numb, what you’re asking for is to return to your normal- and quite frankly, you’re normal was crazy as fuck.”
“I want to talk about something else,” Tae-Ann said.
“Okay,” Loxy said, sipping her tea.
“Why do you let bad things happen?” Tae-Ann asked.
“You assume Jon and I let bad things happen,” Loxy said.
“You have the power to stop bad things from happening,” Tae-Ann said.
“How many video games in the gift are centered on acts of violence?” Loxy asked.
Tae-Ann didn’t know what to say.
“Can we agree it’s a lot? Maybe most?” Loxy asked.
“Yeah. I am confused to how this relates to my question,” Tae-Ann said.
“You’re trapped in a war paradigm. Duality isn’t seen as a cyclic nature of spinners, but has a struggle against others, against self. Economics is in essence a war paradigm. It is too easy to say a wealthy person is virtuous as measured by his wealth, or evil- just as it is too easy to say the victor of a battle is good by virtue of winning, or evil because he won. Winning a game is not a measure of virtue, but a measure of game playing,” Loxy offered.
“Why are you avoiding my question?” Tae-Ann asked.
“The Kenobi conundrum. Is there strength in death?” Loxy asked.
“No! There’s just death,” Tae-Ann said.
“And yet, you’re the ring bearer,” Loxy said.
“I have performed my duties since my earliest age…”
“You were groomed to take the ring down the aisle and marry someone, or so someone could marry someone else?” Loxy asked. “Is that duty or choice.”
“I choose this,” Tae-Ann said.
“Did you?”
“I am so confused by you. I thought you would be more supportive of me,” Tae-Ann said.
“You know what amazes me? All the stories of superheroes and super-villains. It seems to me that the plight of gods is nothing compared to the troubles humans face,” Loxy said, sighing. “You were given this task. At some point you had enough information to relinquish it to someone else, or to carry it forwards.”
“No one is worthy of this, except you, and you won’t take it,” Tae-Ann said.
“I can’t carry what I already have,” Loxy said. “I can only give it away.”
“Another death theme?” Tae-Ann said.
“Every word is borne on a dying breath,” Loxy said. “That’s in the Gift somewhere. I forget who gave it to me.”
“Ummph. So you don’t know everything,” Tae-Ann said.
“I do not,” Loxy said.
“Then maybe you don’t deserve to carry the ring,” Tae-Ann said, handing the cup back.
“I am done here.”
Loxy accepted the cup, and folded into her own. Tae-Ann went and sat in her spot.
“Can you at least tell me everything will be alright?”
“That would be a nice bedtime story, wouldn’t it?” Loxy said.
“You’re not what I thought you would be,” Tae-Ann said, laying down. “Why does this have to be so hard?”
“Because you can’t see that the other side of death is life,” Loxy said.
निनमित
They woke with a map. Man held it. There was no evidence of a camp fire. None of them could locate Loxy. There was sufficient light from the glow worms that they could see the terrain, sand in all directions, no footprints but theirs. There was enough light to read the map. The white of the paper had an eerie glow, reflecting as if under a black light. It described two paths. One led up, directly to the surface. There were obstacles, such as fields of poppies and Cerberus chained near the exit, daylight just beyond. There was the garden of statues, rumored to be the haunting grounds of a Medusa like creature. Talking about her brought accusatory glances to the one who used to be Baylor.
“We can through the stone garden easy enough. She can’t freeze us all. As for Cerberus, he will block the dead from escaping, not us,” Afansy said.
“We can’t go that way,” Kea said. “That will take us to a now that isn’t ours to arrive at.”
“What does that even mean?” Cockburn demanded.
The one who was Baylor sighed. “It means we take a shortcut to a future we haven’t earned. Our children and their children will pay the price.”
“We take the hard path,” Tae-Ann said.
“Deeper into the abyss? Are you mad?” Afansy asked.
“The path is severe, but the rewards are greater,” Tae-Ann said.
“You’re not in charge of me,” Afansy snapped.
“You go where I go, per our agreement,” Tae-Ann said.
“The agreement was made under duress. It’s not enforceable,” Afansy said. “Not here in the Underworld.”
“There is twenty of us, one of you,” Man said. “I think we can enforce this contract.”
“Fuck you,” Afansy said.
Man reached for his sword, but found his hand stayed by Kea’s hand. “We get out of here together, or not at all.”
Tae-Ann apprised her. Nodded. “Murder brought you all here. It will keep you here. We go together. The hard path.”
“Well, I am not going,” Afansy said. “And you can’t make me go.”