CHAPTER SEVEN
Cold Dinner Rolls With No Butter
I.
The next day at lunch, Chuck and I were sitting at our usual table eating some food. I was chugging back on a root beer and was eating a B.L.T. minus the L.T. - bacon and mayo on some bread – delicious. Chuck was eating like a bird; he kept looking around like he was on guard. I couldn’t blame him – Radar was on all of our minds.
Phil came back from the restroom and sat down where his food was just about gone. He pointed at his can of soda and then looked at me.
“I saw you take a sip,” He said.
“Huh? What sip?” I responded.
“Not much, man, what sip with you?” Phil said as he wheezed into a laugh. It was rare to see this guy laugh, so he must have thought that abomination of a joke was funny. I shook my head.
“So,” I asked, “Has anyone thought of any good ways of getting back at Radar for raising Chuck up the pole?”
Chuck and Phil both shook their heads. There had to be something we could do. “What about if we stripped him down to his underwear and locked him out in the hallways?”
“How would we even do that?” Chuck said.
“I don’t know,” I said. “We could always take some pictures of him in his underwear and put them all on the social media.”
“Nah,” Chuck said, barely picking at his food.
“How about when he’s in the locker room during gym, we steal everything from his locker except for his underwear -”
“Why do you want to see Radar in his underwear so bad?” Phil asked, genuinely concerned.
I didn’t want to. It’s just all I had.
“I heard Radar talking about Battle of the Bands on Friday night. I think he’s playing in it.” Chuck said, not really looking up from his food. “We could always try to sabotage his set.”
Battle of the Bands was this Friday? Chuck was a genius! “Perfect! I’ll already be there because my brother and his dumb band will be playing there. You guys should just come with me. It’ll be good to embarrass him in front of everyone!”
All right! I was officially pumped for this. Radar was finally going down!
When I got home, I saw the garage door was open and Red Badger was slamming away hard on their music. It still sounded horrible so I made sure to slip by unnoticed and dashed up into my room.
I shut the door behind me and locked it so no one could bust in. I had some stuff to do. If I was going to the Crab Nebula this weekend, I needed to brush up on all my space crap. I tossed my book bag to the floor then bent over and reached under my bed for the box Nog had supplied me with. I couldn’t feel it. I lifted the sheets and looked with my eyes – nothing! The box was gone! Crap! Nog told me not to let it get into the wrong hands. Who on Earth was in my room, stealing my top-secret stuff?
I stood up and looked around my room frantically, searching for any kind of clue as to who – or what – was in here. I couldn’t find anything. Nothing else seemed to be missing. I dreaded doing this, but it needed to be done…
“Nog, you there?” I said out loud.
That’s Professor Nog, Scout. Yeah, I’m here.
“Um, the box you gave me is gone.”
What do you mean gone?
“Like, gone. It was under my bed and now it’s gone.
Gone?
“Gone. What do I do?”
Nog was silent for a moment; I understood I put him in a bad position.
Just stay put, Scout. I’ll be right there.
I waited about forty-five minutes before the Professor finally showed up. I watched out my window as he pulled up in a beat-up old car, and he walked right by the garage where Red Badger was still strumming the afternoon away. Nog stopped in the driveway and I could see him talking to the band. What was he saying? Nog laughed with them about something and then looked up at my window before walking towards the front door.
I opened my door and saw Nog ascending the stairway.
“Scout,” he said, “Why you losing all my stuff?”
“Sorry.”
Nog reached the second floor and walked straight into my room. I followed him in.
“So that’s your brother down there, playing music with that awful band?”
“Yeah.”
“It’s good to have family.”
“It is. Do you have a family, Professor?”
“I did. I’m alone now, focused on my work and dealing with this interstellar feud we got going on here.”
Nog knelt down by the bed and looked under it. “This is where you kept all the stuff?”
“Uh-huh.”
Nog reached into a small satchel he carried in with him and pulled out a flashlight. He lit it up and aimed it under the bed, looked around, and popped back up.
“Yup, it’s certainly gone,” Nog said as he pondered to himself. “Here’s what’s going on, Scout. Someone broke into my classroom at some point during the day yesterday and disarmed D.R. Fritz. I’m thinking the same person broke in here and stole the box of information. Do you know what that means?”
I shook my head.
“It means someone knows everything. And this someone might just be working on the wrong side of this war. I’m calling an official meeting of the E.I.A. Scout, you’ll finally be able to meet everyone.”
‘Bout time!
“We’ll have the meeting tonight around ten. Can you sneak out tonight?”
“Of course. Sneak out is my middle name,” I said.
“You’ve done it before?”
“No.”
“Oh…just be there, Scout. My house. Ten.”
II.
I peddled my bike hard down the old country roads of Kings Town. It was dark – very hard to see – and I’d been following the same white fence for what felt like forever. It had to have been Nog’s fence, and I’m pretty sure I was on Rhodes Road.
I finally came to an opening along the fence where a mailbox sat at the end of a long driveway. The mailbox said ‘Ed Nog, 111 Rhodes Road.’ I was in the right place for sure. I started peddling hard down the driveway and about seven minutes later, I reached the house.
It was a nice big house – a farmhouse. Off in the yard behind the house was a large barn with a smaller shed sitting next to it. There was a lot of room here to conduct all kind of space experimentations.
I walked my bike the rest of the way up to the front door. There were a couple other cars sitting in the driveway aside from Nog’s beat-up one. I wondered about the E.I.A. Was I going to fit in? Did I actually have what it takes to be an ambassador for the entire planet of Earth? Nog certainly thought so, which was nice. I never thought I’d amount to much, but it looked like my fate was finally starting to unravel.
The front door opened before I had the chance to knock and the Professor stood there.
“Scout. It’s about time you finally showed up.” Nog said.
I looked at my watch and it just clicked over to ten – I was on time. What did he mean, finally? He continued:
“Come on in and make yourself at home – my home. We’re all in the kitchen waiting on one more person. Help yourself to the spread, my brotha.”
Nog led me through the dimly lit living room and into the kitchen, which was decorated in antique silverware, plates, old canvas paintings of greener pastures, and was complimented by a stuffed jackalope sitting on top of the refrigerator. I immediately looked to the long kitchen table where everyone was sitting. Nog sat down at the end of the table. Next to him was Principal Smidgeon. He was dressed down from his usual suit and tie to a pair of bleached jeans and a white t-shirt, sipping a cup of some sort of blue drink.
On the other side of the table, who I saw surprised me. “Jakon?” I was in shock.
Jakon nodded at me. “Scout, what’s up?” he lisped.
“Nothing,” I said, still taken aback. “I just didn’t expect you to be part of the E.I.A.”
“I have been for years. You’re the surprise. I didn’t expect them to let another kid in.”
Another kid? Just as my thoughts were starting to run wild, I heard the front door open and shut. I looked back into the dark living room, and watched as the final member of the E.I.A. entered the kitchen. My jaw dropped.
“Chuck!?” I screamed.
“Scout!?” Chuck Taylor screamed back. We both stood there, facing off against one another, not expecting to see each other. The silence and confusion was powerful.
“All right, you act like you’ve never met before,” Nog said breaking the silence. “Grab some rolls and some blue drink and sit down. We have a lot to discuss.”
Hesitantly I turned, my jaw still scraping the kitchen floor, and walked to the counter where Nog’s spread consisted of cold dinner rolls with no butter and blue drink in a pitcher. I grabbed a couple rolls and poured a Dixie cup of blue drink and sat down at the table, not once removing my eyes from Chuck. This was unreal. Did he stumble upon an alien too? How long ago? Is that why he was such a nervous wreck, especially at the beginning of the school year?
Moments later, Chuck sat down across from me at the table, next to Jakon. We stared off again before Nog stood up and tapped on his paper Dixie cup with his plastic butter knife. It didn’t make any noise, so it was a good thing we were already paying attention.
“Listen up,” he began. “I’ve called this meeting of the Earth’s Intergalactic Ambassadors because we have some serious and ridiculous issues to attend to. First of all,” he sat down, “Farrow is still missing. He vanished from his home without a trace. The only clue was that his neighbor reported seeing a bright red flash come from the house. So in Farrow’s absence, my main man, Scout Brooks here, will be filling in. Depending upon how he does, he may be a full-time member.”
Nog took a break and sipped his blue drink. Everyone else did the same, so I figured I’d get in on it. I took a sip, and that’s literally all it was – a blue drink. There was no flavor. Whoever made it didn’t put enough blue-flavored powder mix in it.
“Now,” Nog continued, “Recently, Scout’s girlfriend, Mandy Lee, was zapped by a -”
“She’s not my girlfriend,” I stuttered loudly, making sure everyone knew the truth. I wasn’t about to be embarrassed here. Everyone just stared at me. The embarrassment hit hard.
“Like I was saying,” Nog went on, “she was zapped by a weapon that one of the aliens was holding that made her glow red until she was instantly de-materialized into a swirling puff of smoke. Now, what I’ve noticed is that this gun was different than the ones that they’ve been using to shoot at us with. They’re not the ones doing all the damage. Since the entire body of Mandy Lee was zapped into thin air, and not splattered all over the trees, I would say it’s safe to assume that they have simply been teleported – possibly back to their home planet of Bethani.”
I raised my hand. “Why is it called Bethani?”
Nog, irritated by my second interruption, said, “Because their home planet needed a name and Bethani sounded all space-like. Is that okay?”
I nodded quietly.
“Now, as I was saying, I think Mandy and Farrow are still alive, just somewhere on the planet of Bethani – maybe being held captive in a cage of some kind, like some sort of wild beasts. I want to send a team to Bethani to recover Farrow and the girl, as well as find and destroy the portal they have that they keep using to come to Earth and shoot us up. We need to stop them, and this is the only way.”
Smidgeon and Jakon nodded in agreement. Chuck and I both seemed to be out of place. It was obvious from our lack of knowledge and Chuck’s nervous sweating and facial tics.
“Secondly,” Nog said standing back up, “someone knows about us. This ‘ghost’ is an unknown person who snuck into my classroom and disarmed D.R. Fritz. This same person, I’m assuming, also snuck into Scout’s home and stole a bunch of top-secret documents containing important information. Let’s face it, gentlemen and kids, someone knows about the E.I.A., and they seem to be trying to sabotage us. We need to find out who.”
Nog awkwardly and silently walked away from the table, refilled his blue drink, and returned. The rest of us remained quiet.
Jakon spoke up. “Who is the team going to consist of? Myself and Smidgeon, I’d assume.”
“No,” Nog said.
“But we’ve been here the longest, Ed. We’re experienced.” Jakon complained. “We’ve earned it!”
“You’re way too important and experienced – that’s the thing. You two are essential to the E.I.A. I’m sending Scout and Chuck to Bethani.”
“WHAT?” Jakon, Chuck and myself all exclaimed at the same time.
“They’re the newest members; the least important. They have to earn their spots here, Jakon, just as you and the Smidge did.”
Jakon sat back in his seat, annoyed, and folded his arms like a stubborn child. Chuck and I looked at each other. The two of us were headed to the Crab Nebula whether we liked it or not. I kind of did like it. I actually wanted to be a member of this team. I wasn’t quite sure what Chuck was thinking though, until his dumb-founded face showed a hint of a small smirk. He wanted to go too.
“You guys will start your voyage on Friday, right after school,” Nog stated.
Chuck and I immediately looked at each other, both remembering at the same time that Friday was the day we were suppose to get our revenge on Radar.
“Um, can it be Saturday?” I asked. “We have plans on Friday.”
Nog stared at me for a moment. It was like a ‘you have to be kidding me’ look. Then he said, “Sure that’s fine. Saturday morning. Make sure you’re here at the butt-crack of dawn. Got it?”
We nodded before I asked another question. “What about school and our families? What do we tell them?”
“You leave that to me,” Nog said. “Maybe I’ll tell your families that the school sent you to study abroad in Europe. And as far as school goes…” Nog pondered to himself before Principal Smidgeon spoke up:
“I give you kids ‘permission’ to go to Europe,” he said, putting ‘permission’ in air quotes.
“It’s settled then,” Nog said.
“Wait,” Chuck said, chewing what was left of his dinner roll. “How are we getting there?”
We all followed Professor Ed Nog through his yard, the floodlights illuminating our path to the large barn on his property. He unlatched the doors and pushed them open. Automatic lights flickered on inside, and all of our attention was focused on the school bus-sized space ship sitting in the middle of the barn.
Chuck and I ‘ooo’d’ and ‘ahh’d’ over the sight.
“I give you all…the I.P.S.” Nog said, as I noticed that was stenciled onto the side of the futuristic looking airplane. “The Intergalactic Peace-keeping Shuttle.
“There is just enough room for the two of you and D.R. Fritz to make the voyage.”
“Fritz is coming?” I asked.
“Yup,” Nog said.
I looked at the ship and it looked freaking awesome. I couldn’t wait to be in it. Maybe I could pilot it. Chuck could be my co-pilot or something. As I stood there taking in the sight of the I.P.S., thinking about what Bethani looked like, visualizing myself blowing up alien robots and portals and rescuing hostages in another world, I got super stoked.
Science fiction had just become fiction. I mean non-fiction. It was really happening.
III.
I had gone home that night and called Chuck. He explained to me that during our freshman orientation, a week before school started, he got separated from his mom at the school and got lost upstairs in the hallway where Professor Nog’s classroom was. He stumbled in there to ask for directions and saw that Nog was in hand-to-hand combat with one of the robotic aliens. Before Nog realized there was a student standing in the doorway, Nog had put one of the E.I.A. developed laser guns (I assume the one I saw on his desk) to the head of the creature, pulled the trigger and sprayed green alien gore all over the walls and floor. Nog had reportedly yelled, “Suck it!” right afterwards, not realizing that the intergalactic murder he’d just committed was witnessed by a fourteen-year-old nerd-student.
From that moment on, Chuck was in the E.I.A. It was cool that we were in this together, but I felt bad for Philly – he couldn’t be involved. It would be too dangerous to let him in on it. It had to be kept between us. Hopefully he’d buy the whole ‘two freshman kids studying abroad in Europe’ lie.
The next day at lunch was sort of awkward. The three of us sat at the table, two of us holding onto a dark secret. Philly didn’t seem to suspect anything, which was good. We couldn’t afford letting anything slip.
“Hey, Philly,” Chuck spoke up, “Scout has something to tell you.”
Phil looked up at me, chewing, and I didn’t know what to say. Chuck put me on the spot. Did he want me to talk about Europe?
“Uh…” I mumbled.
“Go ahead, Scout, it’s ok.” Chuck assured me. I didn’t know what he wanted!
“Um…what was I going to say again, Chuck?” I hinted, trying to figure out what the heck I was suppose to do.
“You were going to tell Philly about our little ‘advanced class’…”
It was official; Chuck wanted me to be the one who lied to our friend. I wasn’t sure what to say, so I figured I’d just wing it and hope it all made sense.
“Oh yeah. Hey, Phil,” I said, Phil already looking at me, still chewing. “Chuck and I signed up for this advanced class that we’re going to have to leave the country for.”
“What kind of class involves leaving the county? Spanish?”
“No. It’s more of an Astronomy related class.” I said.
“Like Astronomy 102?”
“Just like it.”
“But you can’t take that class until next year. It’s a sophomore class.”
“That’s why it’s advanced!” I proudly said, hoping it made sense to the rest of the story.
Phil nodded slowly as if he understood. “What country are you going to go study Astronomy in?”
I licked my lips and felt my throat start to dry up. Here came part two of the lie. “Europe.”
“How long will you guys be gone?”
“Um, I don’t know,” I said, not really sure how long our rescue/demolition of portals mission would take.
“Hm.” Phil said, and started thinking hard. Then he opened his eyes wide as he came to a sudden revelation and looked at me, then Chuck, then back to me. “You guys are lying.”
“About what, Phil?” Chuck anxiously cried out, thinking our cover had been blown.
“You’re not going to Europe to study astronomy. You lied to old Philly. You’re going there to track down Mandy and profess your love for her, aren’t you Scout? Maybe jump her bones while you’re at it? Am I right?”
I sat there in shock and looked at Chuck. He winked at me, which could have meant a hundred different things. I shook off his wink and looked back at Phil. “You’re right,” I said. “we’re going this weekend to track her down so I can jump her bones.” I still didn’t know what that meant, but it seemed to be something Phil would believe.
“You dog, you,” Phil smirked.
I smiled and threw my hands up in there air. “What can I say?”
“Can I come?” he inevitably asked.
I looked at Chuck, who gorged his mouth with the rest of his cold pepperoni pizza to evade speaking on the subject. “No, we already bought the plane tickets,” I said. “There were only two left and we got them.”
“That’s cool,” Phil said, piling a handful of chips into his mouth. “Just bring me back a souvenir.”
“Will do,” I said. Wow, that all went surprisingly well.
“Are we still going to prank Radar this Friday night?” Phil asked, finally changing the subject.
“Of course,” I said.
“Perfecto.”
IV.
The rest of the week was crammed full of stuff that really stressed me out. Aside from a crap load of homework that all the teachers decided to assign all at once, every day after school Chuck and I would go to Professor Nog’s farm and learn how to use and operate the shuttle. It was a lot to learn, but I think we were starting to catch on.
Nog supplied us each with these backpacks that had all sorts of interesting things in them. There were med kits, beacons we could plant on Bethani to remind us where we are and help locate our ship after all the deeds had been done. And the coolest part – we each got a laser gun! Nog’s technical term he used was, laser phaser.
The laser phaser’s were developed by Nog, financially backed by the Smidge, and were inspired by the billions of comic book replica weapons that Jakon had come across in his lifetime. They were about half the size of a baseball bat, had one barrel, a laser guided sight scope on top, and had the energy cell at the base of the handle. Once the trigger was pulled, a concentrated burst of energy would heat up in the base cell and fire out of the barrel at a piercing speed. It would instantly burn a hole through whatever you aimed it at.
Nog told us to “always aim for the aliens head or chest area, otherwise those space creeps will just keep on comin’ at ya.”
The laser phaser training was by far my favorite part, but learning the I.P.S was fun too. There was a single cockpit where D.R. Fritz would lock into – he’d be the one operating and navigating unfortunately. There were two seats against the wall directly behind the cockpit where Chuck and I would be strapped in. The ship was supplied with extra laser guns, medical supplies, space suits, and so on. Anything and everything we would need on our space adventure, we had.
Nog spent the rest of the week fixing up D.R. Fritz until he was in tip-top shape. He was working perfectly by Thursday evening. It was very humanoid in it’s appearance, other than being obviously made out of metal and computers. It was built to take heavy fire, survive explosions and if need be, survive re-entering the Earth’s atmosphere on its own. He was a hardcore machine.
D.R. Fritz’s computer systems would be able to record audio and video, detect movement, survey Bethani’s landscape and supply us with the safest routes to navigate – D.R. Fritz was pretty much the most awesome robot in history. Oh yeah, and he was programmed to speak English, so we could chat with the guy.
Nog performed surgery and implanted a neuro-communications device into Chuck’s brain on Thursday evening before we split for the night. Chuck had a hard time coming to grips with someone talking in his head, but Nog said it would be the only way we’d be able to communicate from Bethani, since there is no way any type of communications device known to man could broadcast from Earth to another galaxy in the Crab Nebula.
I barely slept Thursday night, knowing that the most incredible voyage of my life was going to take place within the next thirty-six hours. But first, we had a little prank to pull on Radar and his goons. It was going to be a blast.