CHAPTER ELEVEN
No More Green Cheeks For Homeless Harry
I.
The cloudy overcast held in the summer-like heat. It was freaking hot, man. I kept wiping the sweat from my brows, and then kept getting annoyed when the sweat would smudge my glasses. I saw Chuck was having the same problem.
“I need a break, Scout,” Chuck said, sitting down on a tree stump just off the path. I joined him and looked around, taking in the experience.
I looked at the trees - which were so abnormal. I studied the red trails, the giant flowers, the gray skies…but there was only one thing still on my mind – I killed aliens!
“I can’t believe I killed those aliens, man,” I said.
“I know,” Chuck said, taking a sip of water from his canteen, which Nog had packed in our backpacks. “You were so cool. How about me, though? I blasted that one really good too.”
“You got lucky. You didn’t know that guy was a criminal at the time. For all you knew, you committed intergalactic murder.”
“Is that a thing?”
“It might be,” I said. We both thought about it for a moment.
“Like, could I go to jail for something like that?” Chuck was getting a little worried.
“I don’t know, maybe.”
“Oh God.” Chuck started to panic.
“Calm down, man. I don’t think -” I was interrupted by a strange sound. It sounded like heavy footsteps - a lot of heavy footsteps. “What’s that?”
Chuck and I looked around, and then I noticed something. There was a lot of movement coming from up the trail a bit. It was a bunch of aliens coming our way. “Hide!” I yelled. Chuck and I hopped back into the woods and hid behind a giant flower. The footsteps were getting closer, and it started to sound more and more like marching. I peered out from behind the flower.
There was a long line of about fifteen of the skinny, green aliens walking in a straight line. They were all chained together at the necks. Behind the line were two armed Frooginites. Did they capture these guys?
Chuck and I watched quietly, hoping we weren’t spotted, as the marching line of creatures went by us. As they passed, and headed in the direction we just came from, I couldn’t help but notice the green aliens’ butts. They looked like bare cheeks, only green. They were hilarious!
The line, quarterbacked by the two Frooginites, finally disappeared around the corner of the trail, and Chuck and I stepped back out onto the path.
“Did you see their butts?” I laughed. Chuck laughed too, agreeing with me that the alien butt parade was classic.
We started back on the trail and walked for another fifteen minutes or so before coming to another clearing. There was something different about this clearing; something familiar. Something that gave us hope in finding the people we came for.
A large green dumpster sat in the middle of the clearing. On the front of the dumpster were white-stenciled letters that read: ‘Property of The King’s Playground.’
“You’ve got to be kidding me!” I laughed. We ran over to the dumpster. “This is a good sign, Chuck.”
Chuck smiled. We had to have been getting close.
There was a loud THUD that came from in the dumpster, which startled Chuck and I back into a defensive position. We held our laser guns out and prepared for the worst.
The lid to the dumpster slowly raised, and coming from the darkness inside of it, I could see a pair of eyes.
“Come out!” I ordered, my gun raised and aimed.
The lid was pushed open more and revealed a bearded weird-man; a human.
“Hey, don’t shoot, alright? I’m innocent, alright?” the man said. He slowly climbed out of the dumpster and we got a good look at him. He was a tall man with old dirty jeans on. He wore a torn brown coat and his face was covered by an overgrown beard and mustache. His hair was long and stringy and it held onto leaves and pieces of trash.
“You’re human?” I asked.
“Yeah, alright? I’m human, alright?” the man said.
“Us too.”
The man stared at us for a second, and finally realized we were cool.
“Where are we?” he asked. “Because if I have to see one more alien butt parade come through there, I’m gonna vomit, alright?”
I laughed. “We saw that too. That happens a lot?”
“That’s at least the third group of those green things I’ve seen escorted out of the base that’s just up the trail there. Where did you say we were again?”
“We’re on a planet called Bethani. It’s in the Crab Nebula. You’re about 6,500 light years away from Earth,” I explained. “You got stuck in the crossfire of a teleportation device and you ended up here. You were…were you in that dumpster behind The King’s Playground?”
“It’s my home, alright?”
“Alright…”
“Are you going to save that other kid too? That punk lookin’ guy?”
Was this homeless chap talking about Radar? “What kid?”
“After I arrived here, I opened my lid to look around and then this hoodlum kid just popped up outta nowhere, man, screamed like a little girl and booked it that way – towards the base.”
I looked at Chuck. “That must have been Radar.”
“We need to check that base,” my buddy said.
I approached the homeless man and extended my hand. “I’m Scout. This is Chuck.”
He shook my hand, and then Chuck’s. “They call me Harry. Homeless Harry.”
“It’s nice to meet you, Harry.”
Suddenly, a thunderous roar shook the area, knocking all three of us to the ground. I looked around and saw the tail end of an explosion near the edge of the clearing we were in. I heard the squeal of a rocket of some kind and saw it barreling down on us.
“Move!” I yelled as the rocket came swirling through the trees and in our direction. I grabbed Chuck and Homeless Harry and we hit the deck behind the dumpster as the rocket hit the ground near us, exploded, and sent dirt and shrapnel soaring into the sky.
“What’s going on!?” Chuck shouted. I peered around the dumpster and saw a group of five Frooginites rush into the clearing, firing their machine gun lasers at us. I ducked behind the dumpster again as a couple laser beams grazed off the ground next to me.
“We’re dead!” Harry yelled.
“Calm down, Harry!” I screamed back. “You’re not helping anything here!”
Chuck had a crazed look in his eyes. I wondered what was going through his mind. He smiled wide. “I’m going in!” he said, all heroically.
“Chuck, wait!” I reached out for my pal but it was too late. He ran out from behind the dumpster and opened fire on the aliens. He hit the ground and rolled into a somersault for some reason. When he popped back up, he fired lasers like a madman! Chuck was killing it! He was dominating!
“I got one! Hey, Scout I got one!” Chuck screamed in a laugh. I looked around and saw one of the Frooginites on the ground, smoke coming out of its’ face. I excitedly looked at Harry:
“Watch this!”
I rolled out from behind the dumpster and began blasting. I aimed for the faces and made contact with one. Another Frooginite hit the dirt hard. I smiled – this was really happening!
I turned my attention to another Frooginite and tried to aim carefully, but their return fire was too much. I had to duck back behind the dumpster. I saw Homeless Harry scoping my piece.
“Where’d you get that gun, Star Wars?” He asked.
“Yeah,” I said sarcastically, “I got this gun from Star Wars.”
“I doubt it,” Harry said, obviously not getting my sarcasm.
Chuck shouted from the battlefield: “I got another one, man! You want to get back in on this?”
“Aw, yeah!” I yelled, running back out. Three Frooginites were down for the count and there were only two left. Chuck and I had this. We fired laser after laser, igniting such a legendary firefight that it would, from here on out, define everything that was awesome in the universe. In that moment, we were invincible…
Scout, are you there? Scout?
I opened my eyes and slowly came out of a heavy daze. I blinked frantically, trying to regain my vision. What just happened? Once the initial blur went away, I noticed I was in some sort of cage, or holding cell, against a wall in one of the tall structures, like the ones we were in earlier.
I jumped to my feet. Crap! I was captured. How could that be? Chuck and I were kicking so much butt!
To the right of me, there was another holding cell. Chuck was there, propped up against the wall, but hunched over. He appeared to be unconscious again.
“Chuck?”
He didn’t answer.
Scout, you’re awake! What’s going on? I haven’t’ been able to reach you for hours.
“I don’t know what happened. One minute we were in battle, next minute…we’re locked up.”
I looked around the giant building. There were two Frooginites on the far side with their backs to us, looking at computer screens. To my left was another holding cell. Harry was in it, also unconscious.
What do you see, brotha?
“We’re trapped,” I spoke quietly so the aliens wouldn’t hear me. “There’re two Frooginites in here with us. Chuck and I are locked in holding cells, and this homeless guy we found is locked in here with us.”
Homeless guy? Do you see any signs of Farrow, Mandy or Radar?
I looked around again, but that was all I saw. “No. They must be in another building.”
I’ll tell you what we gotta do, Scout. We gotta get you out of there.
“I know that…”
I looked around, desperately searching for ideas for how to escape. It had to be something cool. Like in the spy movies where they have a paper clip under their tongue and when the bad guys aren’t looking, they use it to pick the lock.
Or, if there was like a hot female alien, I could try to seduce her like I did with Kristen back home. Maybe work my magic a bit and she’d let me out.
Or…I could fake my death and then when they come in to see what’s up, I swipe their gun, blast them down to the ground, bust out my buds and escape. That’s the one I’ll go with.
“Professor, I’m going to try something. Bare with me.”
I took a step back and coughed real loud, grabbing the attention of both Frooginites. They looked over at me, and then returned to their business. I needed them to keep looking at me.
I coughed again, even louder this time. They both looked at me again and I made my move quick. I collapsed to the ground in a fake coughing fit. I began to thrash around wildly on the floor.
Homeless Harry woke up and stood to his feet, staring at me. “Stop that, kid! Those things are going to come over here!”
“That’s the plan,” I managed to tell him in between my phlegmy coughs.
“That’s a dumb plan!” he shouted.
This guy was going to ruin everything. I rolled over and faced Chuck, coughing and holding my chest. I looked out of the cell and saw the two Frooginites were coming my way. Perfect; time for phase two.
I stopped coughing and went still. My eyes were closed tightly and I was just waiting for the sound of the cell door to open.
“IT’S GOT A DISEASE,” one of them spoke all robotic-like.
“MOVE IT TO THE CONTAINMENT FACILITY.”
The cell door opened and I felt them get close. It was time. I jumped up to my feet as fast as lightening and threw a dead-on punch to one of the Frooginites abdomens. I heard my knuckles crack against the armor.
“Ow!” I cried, holding my hand. It hurt so bad.
“IT’S CRAZED. SECURE IT.”
One of them reached out for me. This wasn’t going the way I planned! Without thinking, I reached for one of their holstered guns. I grabbed onto it, but the towering beast grabbed me by the neck and lifted me up. I was face to face with it. I stared into the pitch-black visor on its’ helmet, wondering like heck what these things even looked like.
“IT NEEDS QUARENTINED.”
Gripping my neck tightly, the Frooginite turned and started to carry me through the building.
“Scout!” I heard Chuck call out, but the grip was so tight around my neck that I couldn’t turn to look or even say anything. I started to kick my legs frantically. My constant squirming felt like it was loosening the grip. About halfway across the room I kicked it up a notch and began to flail my arms and legs about as wildly as I could.
The grip loosened quiet noticeably and then I took the palm of my hand and shoved it into the side of the aliens’ helmet.
With a loud grunt, the Frooginite dropped me and I hit the ground hard. Immediately I reached up to its holster and swiftly extracted the laser rifle. I didn’t aim - I just pointed it upward and fired a shot. The laser beamed through its’ chest and the beast went down, spurting green blood everywhere. I swung around to the other creature who was walking close behind and pulled the trigger three times, blowing its’ head off. Again, green slime showered down and splashed on the floor.
Chuck and Homeless Harry cheered and clapped.
“Scout, get us the heck up outta here!” Chuck yelled, gripping the bars on the cell door. I dropped the gun into the pool of green blood and dashed back to the holding cells. I looked at the locking mechanism and was surprised to see it wasn’t difficult to understand. There was a silver button in the middle of the lock, which I pressed and held it into place as I was able to then lift the latch above it. I let Chuck out and then did the same for Harry.
Once I had Harry out, I turned to look for Chuck. He was across the room, grabbing our backpacks and guns, which were hung up on hooks on the wall.
We strapped them on and geared up.
“We’re out, Nog.”
Good, boys. Now find the others. They have to be in the area.
II.
The door ‘whooshed’ open and Chuck and I slowly lead Harry out of the building. We hugged the outside wall, closest to the edge of the woods. An odd humming sound caught my ear, so I peered around the corner of the building to see what the deal was.
It was set up just like the other base - three buildings in a triangle formation and the pitchers mound deal in the center. Only this pitchers mound was different. It was the portal we were looking for. The two space light bulbs on the narrow black slab were lit a bright white, and above it was a large blue-tinted sphere. It must have been about ten feet tall and maybe the same in width. The interior of it was trippy – it looked very watery with a ripple, almost wave-like effect. The Frooginites must just walk through it and appear at a carefully coordinated location back on Earth.
There must have been like, a dozen or more Frooginites hanging around the base. This one was heavily guarded. That was a good sign for finding the others.
I turned back to my guys. “We found the portal. We just need to figure out how to destroy it.”
Chuck looked over my shoulder and saw the portal where the humming sound was deriving from. “Should we check these buildings for the others?”
“Yeah, man,” I said. “that’s the whole purpose.” I turned to Harry. We didn’t need a third wheel slowing down our mission. “Harry, I need you too hang out in these woods until one of us comes back for you.”
“You’re coming back, right? You can’t leave me here, alright?” Harry stuttered.
“Yeah, man. I promise. I’ll come back and get you myself.”
“Cool, cool. I’ll just hang out here, alright?”
“Yeah…”
Homeless Harry hopped over a few bushes behind us and ducked down behind another one of those obnoxious giant red flowers. It irritated me that they were so big. There was no need, but it did seem otherworldly enough that it kind of made sense.
“Chuck, we’ll stick together this time,” I told him bluntly. “Let’s check this building first.”
All sly-like, we shuffled across the gap between the buildings without being spotted by the dozens of Frooginites at the center of the base. We slid up against the wall and stepped in front of the door, which inevitably ‘whooshed’ open.
We stepped inside, holding our laser phasers out in front of us. There was no immediate sign of any Frooginites, but we did notice the dozens of holding cells lining the walls. Inside all of them were some of those naked green alien guys.
As we walked through the building, looking into the cells, we noticed most of them were unconscious. At the end of the line of cells, one of them stood out to me.
“Blorf?” I asked. Blorf was sitting against the wall, but stood up when he saw me.
“Scout? What are you guys doing here? Did the Frooginites see you?”
“I don’t think so. What’s going on? Why are you guys in here?”
“The Frooginites are trying to take over the planet. They’re exterminating us. They lead us out into the woods, shackled, and I’ve heard that they kill us, pile our bodies into a heap, then burn us. This isn’t good, man.”
“We gotta get you out of here,” I went in for the locking mechanism and did my thing. The door unlatched and Blorf scurried out and across the room, his bare cheeks in plain sight, where he grabbed his glass spear with the circular glowing purple top. He jogged back over.
“We have to release the others too,” Blorf said.
“THERE THEY ARE!” a robotic voice spoke from the doorway. We all turned and saw Frooginite after Frooginite file into the building, laser guns locked and loaded.
“Quick, follow me!” Blorf cried out. He ran for the center of the building where there was another one of those little grate drain things on the floor. Blorf lifted it up. It was a way out!
Chuck and I ran for it just as Blorf jumped down inside.
We splashed down into a long, dark and drippy cave sewer, where the muddy water came up to our kneecaps. I looked around. It was long and narrow with the occasional torch on the walls giving the whole tunnel a dull, flickering quality.
“Aw crap, man,” I said, my voice echoing through the cave. “Nothing good ever comes out of creepy cave sewers.”
“These cave systems are pretty much harmless,” Blorf said, reassuring us.
I sighed in relief.
“Except for the giant snake-eels,” he added.
Gulp.
“Snake-eels?” Chuck shouted.
“Shh! They’ll hear you!” Blorf whispered. “Follow me, guys.”
We followed Blorf down through the cave sewer tunnel, wading carefully in the disgusting water. It had a strong odor to it; like a big dude with bad B.O. who’s been baking in the sun too long after not showering for months.
The drips from the ceiling, into the water below, were creepy. It was the only sound down there aside from us walking around.
“Where do these tunnels lead?” I asked.
“They connect all of the Frooginite bases. There are also motor systems down here that run the portals in the bases.” Blorf said.
“Oh, so if we can destroy the motor systems, we can shut the portals down?” I asked.
“I guess. I wouldn’t know how to power them down, though.”
“I don’t want to power them down,” I said. “I want to blow them up.”
III.
We came to a junction a few minutes later that forked off into two other directions. Blorf hung a right. “I’m pretty sure the portal motors are this way.”
Chuck and I followed Blorf down the right cave tunnel. Up ahead, I thought I saw the motor system. There seemed to be blinking lights coming from some kind of panel built into the wall.
Blorf noticed it too. “Yeah, it’s up there for sure.”
Then, up ahead, the water started to ripple.
“Everyone stop,” Blorf instructed, holding up his spear. The purple globe on the top started to glow.
“What is it?” Chuck started to panic. “Is it a snake-eel?”
“Sure is, guy.”
The ripples in the water then started to shoot quickly in our direction. Blorf turned and started to run back the other way through the water without saying anything. Chuck and I took note and quickly followed him.
“Oh, God! Snake-eels!” Chuck shouted. He tripped and fell face first into the muddy water and disappeared into the fogginess of it.
“Chuck!” I stopped and looked into the water. It was too murky to see anything. “Chuck!”
“Oh, for crying out loud!” Blorf yelled, irritated at us. He waded back to me and started feeling around in the water for Chuck. “Is this him?” he asked, pulling Chuck above the surface by his hair.
Chuck coughed out some mud. “Thanks, man.”
Blorf released Chuck’s hair. “You’re welcome. Now quick, follow me!”
Before Blorf had the opportunity to turn and start running again, a gigantic snake-eel launched itself out of the water and wrapped itself around him. This crazy brute was huge! Maybe the size of a stretch limo, it was slimy, dark green in color, it had glowing yellow eyes, and its’ open jaws were home to thousands of needle-sharp teeth. It started to constrict itself around Blorf. The pressure forced Blorf to drop his glass spear, which shattered against the wall.
“My sphere spear!” Blorf yelled, reaching for this broken piece of equipment.
“Let it go, man!” I yelled at him as Chuck and I aimed our phasers at the gigantic creature. “What do we do?”
“Aim for the -” Blorf tried to get out before the constricting got too tight. The snake-eel roared like I imagined a monster would, and then pulled its’ head back in a striking manner.
Knowing I had no time left, I started to fire at the monster. Chuck and I both did – our lasers penetrated the slimy skin of the creature and it screeched in pain, dropping Blorf from its’ grip. Blorf splashed down into the water and the snake-eel launched itself at Chuck and I, but we dodged out of the way.
The beast splashed into the water and turned around quickly, raising itself up and snarling ferociously. As it pulled its’ head back one more time, preparing to attack, I had an idea. I ran for the beast just as it struck towards me. It hit the water again, but this time I climbed onto the things back, close to its’ head.
It began to thrash around in the water, splashing mud against the walls.
“You’re the man, Scout!” I could have sworn I heard Chuck yell. Hopefully that’s what he said, cause I was pumped now! I began to buck on the creature like a bull, and finally put the barrel of my gun to the top of its’ head and pulled the trigger.
The creature went down hard and fast, but not before throwing me off of it. I hit the wall hard and splashed down into the muddy water.
I stood up, shaking the water off my hair like a wet dog, and the water settled. The snake-eel was dead; it was just floating there in the water. Dark blood oozed from the smoking wound on the top of its’ head.
“Dude!” Chuck said with a smile. We hugged it out. “You were awesome, bro!”
“Thanks, man!” I said back, completely satisfied with my latest kill. “Where’s Blorf?”
We looked around and Chuck pointed to the calming waters surface about five feet away from us. “Is that him? That frog thing?”
I looked and just saw the top of Blorf’s green head sticking out above the water. His eyes shifted back and forth. He then popped up quickly from the shallow depths.
“Good job,” he said. “Those things don’t usually go down so easily. You guys are pretty cool at killing things on my planet.”
We all regained our composure and then Blorf lead us down the cave to the portal motor system.
It looked like a panel to a circuit breaker on the wall. There were flashing lights lining the panel door. Blorf studied it and then reported back.
“Ok,” he said, “I don’t know much about these things. But I’m pretty sure if we open this door up, mess around with the -”
I interrupted Blorf by aiming my laser gun at the panel and blasting it three times at close range. The panel sparked and surged a few times, before catching on fire.
“That should do it,” I said.
“Well, let’s see,” Blorf said, leading the way down the tunnel a little more. There was a metal ladder built into the wall that lead up to another one of the metal grate drains. We looked up through the barred drain and I could see that above us was another one of the buildings at the base. I had my fingers crossed that it was the one our hostages were being held in.
Blorf, Chuck and myself all climbed the ladder. Blorf slowly lifted the gate above us and peered into it.
“It’s chaos up here, boys,” he said back down to us. “There are like six or seven Frooginites running around like crazy.”
I could hear the commotion Blorf was speaking of. I could even hear some of the Frooginites. “THE PORTALS ARE DOWN,” they kept repeating to one another.
“They’re all leaving,” Blorf said, as the Frooginites all left the building. “And I think I see your things!”
My eyes went wide, as did my smile. I looked back down at Chuck on the ladder under me. “They’re here! They’re in this one!”
“Okay, can we go then?” Chuck panicked, “I don’t want another one of those snake-eel things to come swimming up around here.”
I looked back up and Blorf was already climbing into the room. I follow him, and Chuck followed me.
When we all stood up in the room, my immediate attention was brought to the holding cells against the wall. The first one held Mandy Lee, the beautiful girl who was the real reason behind me coming here. She was standing with her hands clenched around the holding cell bars, watching the door where the Frooginites just left.
The cell next to her had a man who appeared to be in his forties. He was standing as well, looking towards the door. He was bald, wore a lab coat like Nog’s, and wore a pair of narrow glasses. That must have been Farrow.
Next to Farrow’s cage was Radar. He was sitting in the corner, scrunched up in a ball, rocking back and forth. It looked like he’d been crying. His mohawk still looked dumb.
I ran to Mandy’s cell first. “Mandy!”
She turned and looked at me in a quiet surprise. She couldn’t believe I was here. Chuck ran to Farrow’s cell and Blorf stood back, keeping an eye on the door.
“Who are you, kids?” Farrow asked.
“I’m Chuck Taylor and this is Scout Brooks. We’re from Earth. Professor Nog sent us to save you guys.”
“Nog sent you?” Farrow cried. “My God, I am so happy to see you guys!”
Radar climbed to his feet and looked at us. “Chuckles?” he said. He then looked at me as I unlatched Mandy’s cell door. “Scout?”
We ignored him for a moment as we let the more important people out first. Mandy walked out of her cell – she still hadn’t said anything. She just gawked at me, wondering what was happening.
“You…” she began to say, “you came for me?”
“Of course,” I said. “I wasn’t going to let you be abducted and not do anything about it. I’m here Mandy. And we’re going to get you home now.”
An appreciative smile graced her face and she threw her arms around me and hugged me like a bear. It was the best feeling in the world.
Chuck unlatched Farrow’s cell and let him out.
“You guys are in the E.I.A.?” Farrow asked.
“Yes, sir,” Chuck said. “We have the I.P.S. waiting to take us all home.”
“The I.P.S.?” Farrow pondered. “That son of a gun actually built the I.P.S.? This is great news, kids! The E.I.A. might actually finally be able to get the funding we’ve been asking the President for!”
Farrow seemed genuinely happy and excited.
“Are you nerds going to let me out too, or am I going to have to start cracking bones?” Radar obnoxiously yelled.
I shook my head hard, but knew I had to let him out, even though it’d be awesome to just leave him locked in there. Chuck, Phil and I would never have to worry about this guy again. I walked over and quickly unlatched his door. He came out and grabbed me by the shirt and lifted me off the ground.
We were face to face. “I should kill you, Scout, for what you did to me. You zapped me to another dimension and ruined my Battle of the Bands performance. When we get back to Earth, you’re a dead man.”
“Put ‘em down!” Blorf screamed as he dashed over and slide-kicked the feet right out from under Radar. We both hit the ground hard, but I was the first one to stand up. Radar stumbled to his feet and looked at Blorf.
“What the heck are you?” he asked, disgusted.
“I’m Blorf, a native of this planet.”
“What the heck is a Blorf?”
“It’s a me! Now go with Scout and Chuck, and the rest of ya’s, and go home.”
Creeped out, Radar squirmed his way around Blorf. The noise outside of the build