Chapter 38. Fred Chickweed Saves the Day
Fred Chickweed emerged from the dark school, blinking. He held Principal Klieglight at his side, supporting his weight. The man’s legs were still tingly and rubbery from having fallen asleep.
Before Fred knew what was happening, someone had asked him a question. He blinked again, then saw a microphone in front of his face. He stared at it dumbly. After a moment, the person repeated the question.
“Can you tell our audience, sir, how you defeated the monsters?”
“Um,” said Fred.
“And can you tell us how you rescued Principal Klieglight, here?”
“Mister Klieglight,” answered Mr. Klieglight.
“Yes,” said Lori. “Can you tell us how you rescued Mr. Klieglight?”
“Um,” repeated Fred.
Lori turned to the camera. “Ladies and gentlemen, our hero is still in a bit of shock, having single-handedly taken on the monsters of Lake Maebiewahnapoopie.”
Finally, Fred’s tongue loosened a bit, and he proffered an answer that he thought would clarify everything.
“I am a pizza delivery boy,” he said.
Lori turned back to him and asked, “A pizza delivery boy?” She again poked the microphone toward him.
“I…um…I…” said Fred. “I gave them some pizza.”
“And can you tell us how it felt, single-handedly facing down these monsters?” Lori asked.
“I…I think they’re still hungry,” replied Fred.
Lori turned to the man propped against Fred’s shoulder. “Mr. Klieglight. Do you have anything to add?”
Mr. Klieglight blinked in the sun. He couldn’t quite see the woman who was interviewing him, but he sensed that this was his moment. Perhaps, if he said just the right thing on TV, this whole mess would straighten itself out. If so, perhaps the mayor would reinstate him to his principalship. He’d have to be careful, though…this reporter was a wily one. He’d have to keep his metaphors straight.
“I think what Mr. Garbanzo Bean here is trying to say...”
But Fred interrupted him. “Chickweed, sir.”
Mr. Klieglight started again. “I think what Mr. Chickpea here is trying to say is that organization and discipline are the keys to running a clean pirate ship. Otherwise, sharks will infest the learning.”
Here Fred interrupted. “Really,” he insisted. “I think they’re still hungry.”
But Mr. Klieglight was not to be interrupted in his moment of verbal triumph. He was beginning to feel the stirrings of something in his belly. This was going to work out fine. All he had to do was say the right thing. Just the right turn of phrase had pulled him from many a precipice. “Right!” said Klieglight. “The sharks are hungry! Hungry for knowledge! And thirsty, too! We must do our best to feed their thirst for knowledge! Fatherly hands!”
“Fatherly hands?” asked Lori.
“Thirsty sharks eat fatherly hands!” exclaimed Mr. Klieglight.
Lori turned once again to Fred. “Are you indicating that the monsters are only tamed for the moment, having eaten your pizzas?”
“We really should get them more food,” said Fred. “They’re pretty peaceful when they’re eating.” When no one moved, Fred added, “I think we should hurry.”
Mr. Klieglight was quick to agree. “Time on task!” he yelled. “That’s the ticket!”
Taking Fred at his word that the trolls were still hungry, and that they wouldn’t perpetrate any acts of violence if fed, a plan was hatched to get them more pizza. Petey himself stepped up, happy for some free advertising, and delivered another 60 of his Perfect Pizza Pies in the back of his station wagon.
Miraculously, he wasn’t upset about the van. Where Fred had thought that he would be yelled at, fired, and possibly sued, instead his boss emerged from the station wagon with his hand outthrust, ready to congratulate Fred on a job well done. “Capital!” he whispered to Fred as he shook his hand. “This is going to increase our business tenfold! Capital! How does it feel to be a hero? I have to say, I never saw it in you, but you’ve saved the day! And boosted the business of Petey’s besides!”
Before Petey could effuse too much, however, Fred disentangled himself from his grasp, and from the attentions of the reporter. He walked to the station wagon, bent to pick up a stack of ten pizzas, and took it upon himself to deliver them. Strangely, he couldn’t access the front door of the school, but it wasn’t long before someone stepped out of the crowd with a ring of keys on her belt. It was Miss Kimberlane, the janitor. She led Fred to a side door near the cafeteria, and held it open as he entered the school.
Only afterwards, after the trolls were sated from a full meal of Petey’s Perfect Pizza Pies and snoozing with loud grumbly snores and snorts, after everyone had pretty much gone home, and after Fred had spent a sore weekend recovering from his long night of superhero endeavors, did he realize that he had delivered his last pizza.