Never love
“Join us, Ailia,” Uncle Brander urged as he walked into the living area. He was dressed only in his trousers, ready to head over to Bergendal Lake with their neighbors. His muscular arms were tan and his hairy chest and belly were as white as virgin winter snow.
Ailia, sitting in the corner by the loom, almost remarked how ridiculous he looked, but she bit her tongue, knowing whatever he’d say in return to tease her would be ten times worse. Besides, she didn’t want to give him reason to attack her when he was asking her to do something she was deathly afraid of.
For as long as Ailia could remember, she had feared water, though she didn’t know why. Uncle Brander knew this about her, but he continued to encourage her and invited her whenever he went. Being so afraid that she kept her distance from fjords and lakes, it had its downsides. She couldn’t get herself to travel by sea or go fishing and had never learned how to swim properly. She rationalized that she didn’t need to know how to swim to become a good housewife. And becoming a good housewife—the keeper of the longhouse—is every decent Norse girl’s highest priority, so she didn’t feel bad about being a non-swimmer.
Uncle Brander was a sturdy man, one no-one would think to question his brute manhood, but she secretly wondered if he might have been a fish or sea creature in a previous life. She dared not share this with him, though, for he might tell Bishop Peter. If she were to be baptized into the new church like Unni and Brander had been, Ailia would have to accept their doctrines, and reincarnation wasn’t one of them. She found all of the Christian beliefs easy to accept—except for this one.
“Come on, Ailia,” Uncle Brander prodded again.
“No, thank you.”
“Your friends will be there,” he said.
She exhaled a sharp breath. “No, not today.” She was content to sit in her chair, intent to not look up from her needlepoint. “You know I don’t swim.” There was another reason why she wanted to stay home. She didn’t want to run into anyone who had seen what had happened at the Fest Hall with Siri. Being called out as a curse in front of everyone wasn’t something she wanted to experience again. She hadn’t told Unni or Brander about the incident yet. It would be too humiliating. “Maybe I’ll join you some other time.”
“Next week, I’ll be out hunting and then winter will be here. Besides, you are a grown woman. I thought you would be over your childish fear of the water.” Brander waited for her answer, his mammoth body as still as the mountains surrounding Bergendal.
If she refused again, she would disappoint him, and there was nothing Ailia hated more than disappointing Brander. Yet, even so, she could not make herself go.
Brander shook his head. “I have someone I’d like you to meet,” he said softly.
Surprised, she stopped working on the tablecloth and looked up. Not one of his suitors again, she thought. She was growing tired of the eligible—or in her opinion, ineligible—men Uncle Brander presented to her.
“Bring him over for repast,” Ailia said. “I’ll make the best stew he has ever eaten.”
Brander rolled his eyes. He knew she hated making stew and every stew she had, had turned out to be a disaster. Cooking was her main homemaking weakness.
She turned her attention back to her needlepoint. “Have no worry. Unni will help me.”
“Yeah, yeah—” Brander said, heading for the door. “I must mention this: this man is the one you’re marrying.”
She gasped and looked up at once. “What?”
“I’ve already agreed to it,” Brander said.
Ailia stood up, her embroidery falling to the floor. “What do you mean, you have already agreed to it?”
Just then, Unni walked in from the kitchen. “Did you tell her?”
Brander nodded.
“Talk to him, Aunt Unni,” Ailia pleaded. “You cannot just marry me off to someone I haven’t even met!”
Unni wiped her hands clean with a rag. “Ailia, you have a duty to us as your family to accept a suitable husband,” she said. “We have gone along with your non-interest in all the men we have brought for far too long. You are almost eighteen and well past the age of when you should be married.”
Brander took a step closer. “His name is Geir and he’s the chieftain of Solnes. His wife died three winters ago and he has been looking for a suitable wife ever since. I have known him for a few years. He’s a decent man and will be a good provider for you and your children.”
Ailia felt as if her whole world was spinning, turning upside down, and falling apart.
“I expect you to be warm and welcoming when he comes over for repast,” Brander said sternly.
The back of Ailia’s eyes burned and a lump grew in her throat. She didn’t have a choice in whether or not to accept this proposal of marriage. It was her duty to honor their final decision no matter how she felt.
“My parents chose Brander for me and we turned out happy enough,” Unni said. “It’s the way that it is and it is for the best.”
Ailia was fuming on the inside and could not stop herself from blurting out the first thing that came to mind. “You’re not even my real parents!” She regretted saying it immediately, for Unni and Brander had been nothing but kind and loving to her and had treated her like their own daughter. They had really been the only parents she had ever known since her parents had died when she was a baby.
Brander stormed out of the room and slammed the door shut without another word. Trying to control her emotions, Ailia plopped back down into her chair and squeezed her eyes shut.
“Come help me clean up in the kitchen so we can prepare repast,” Unni said.
Ailia could hear her aunt’s footsteps as she walked away. She had thought she might be spared from being forced to marry a stranger, but with this news, it would seem her fate would be just as any other young maiden in the Northlandic Kingdom. Fate—ha! Fate was for those who needed to find meaning in the meaningless and Ailia had never been one of those. She didn’t need to add more meaning than there already was. What was important was to do her duty. But what if that duty went against everything she believed and hoped for?
Ailia stood up and followed Unni into the kitchen. “I’m sorry for what I said about you not being my real parents,” she said hesitantly. “I do consider you my mother and Brander my father.”
“I understand Ailia; believe me, I do. When I found out my parents were marrying me off to Brander, I considered running away,” Unni said.
“Truly?” Ailia asked surprised.
“Don’t tell Brander, though. He still does not know.” Unni smiled and then sighed. “You may find it hard to believe, but I actually despised him. Of all the suitors my parents chose for me, he was the last one I wanted to marry.” She picked up a few bowls and cleaned off the tabletop with a rag.
“Why?”
“He hadn’t been very kind toward me and he seemed so haughty,” Unni said.
“Brander?” Ailia thought that was strange, because Brander seemed the most jovial and most approachable man she knew.
“Later, I found out that he was just nervous around me because he liked me so much.” Unni’s eyes crinkled at the edges as she smiled. “Marriage is much more about a partnership than a feeling, Ailia. If you marry this chieftain, you will have a great partnership. We heard that his former wife was very happy and that is what we want for you—to be happy.” She pulled out some onions and salted lamb’s meat, placing both ingredients on the tabletop.
Ailia sighed. “Of course I’ll accept the marriage proposal. I just did not think that it would happen yet.”
“It’s better to marry young. If you wait much longer, you’ll be too set in your ways.” Unni pulled out a knife and started chopping up the meat in perfect little squares. Ailia stripped the onions of their skin, wondering what type of man this Geir was.
* * *
“Ailia, I’d like to introduce you to Geir,” Brander said, arriving with the guest a few hours later.
Ailia curtsied. “Welcome to our home. Pleased to meet you,” she said, lowering her gaze. Geir was not bad to look at—average, Ailia would say—with a uniquely slender nose and small pouty lips. He was almost as tall as Brander, but much less muscular, thin even. His beard was a little too long for Ailia’s liking, but maybe once they had married she could convince him to groom it shorter.
“He’ll be staying for repast, but then he needs to get back to his children in Solnes,” Brander said.
Ailia did her best to kill a gasp. “Oh,” she said instead. “How many…children?” She suffered a smile.
Unni glanced at Ailia, her eyes stern.
“Four,” Geir said. “All boys. Their ages are ten, eight, six and four. They’re a handful and they need a strong mother to keep them in line.”
“I see.” Ailia knew immediately that she’d never be the woman he was seeking. She saw herself as more of a nurturer, not a commander.
“Shall we?” Unni gestured over to the hearth and they all sat down near the glowing flames.
After the first awkward meeting with her future husband and after Ailia had filled everyone’s bowl with stew, she sat down next to Unni.
“Tell us about Solnes,” Unni said.
Geir looked at her and scoffed. “I do not see why that is an important subject to talk about.”
Unni’s eyes flared just a tad.
Geir turned his attention to Ailia. “What I want to know, Ailia, is do you feel prepared to be the homemaker of my longhouse and are you capable of raising my four boys?”
Ailia balked.
“Of course she is,” Unni said.
“I know your opinion, woman. I need to hear it from Ailia’s own mouth,” Geir snapped.
Ailia froze. Of course she could do it, but it was so very hard to say so out loud, because she knew that in the innermost part of her spirit that she didn’t want to. Seeing how he had disrespected Unni, it gave her reason to believe he would disrespect her, too. If that were true, she’d do anything to get out of this arranged marriage.
“Ailia?” Unni nudged.
“Why, yes, of course,” Ailia said. “I have trained my entire life to become the best homemaker I can be.” She felt her spirit revolting inside of her.
“Ailia, one more question and then we can go on to discuss other niceties. Are you able to bear children?” Geir asked.
Brander coughed, the stew in his mouth splattering onto his beard.
“If you are asking me whether or not I have started my menstruation cycle, then, yes, I have. For a few years now,” Ailia said.
“Ailia,” Brander said, his eyebrows gathering in the center.
“Was that not what you were referring to?” Ailia asked. Usually women only spoke about such things to each other, but since Geir was asking so directly, Ailia couldn’t help but be blunt in her response.
“Swell,” Geir said with a look of relief in his narrow-set eyes. “I think she will do, Brander.”
Brander nodded with a sharp exhale as his shoulders relaxed several notches.
Ailia hated how Geir said that: I think she will do. She wanted her marriage to be so much more that just a partnership of duties and responsibilities. Love would not be a part of the relationship with Geir. He was probably just looking for a woman to raise his children and a woman to bring to his bed when he needed it. How could Brander have chosen him? she wondered.
* * *
After Geir left, Ailia felt like she could breathe again. Brander went outside to sharpen his knives while Ailia and Unni remained inside to clean the kitchen.
“I thought he seemed very—” Unni seemed to struggle with the right words to say. “Honest.”
Ailia rolled her eyes. “Callous.”
Unni said nothing, but she gave Ailia a knowing smile. “Brander was that way in the beginning, too. Things will change once you’re married,” she said. “Just make sure you take good care of him in the lovemaking area.”
Ailia shuddered in repulsion at the thought. Touch Geir? Allow him to touch her? Make love to Geir? They were hideous thoughts and more than she could stand. And she disagreed with Unni. Geir did not seem like a man who would change. However, she concluded that it wasn’t worth disagreeing with Unni right now. There was nothing Ailia could say or do that would make a difference or change their decision. Unni and Brander had tried their best to find a suitable husband, even though, in her eyes, they had picked a man who she’d never love or even like. Ailia had never wanted to dishonor her family in any way and she wasn’t going to start now.
“I always knew there was something special about you, Ailia. Perhaps this is your God-given destiny? To marry a chieftain. Not many young women accomplish that. You’ll have a great life and many more opportunities than if you had just married a farmer or fisherman,” Unni said.
Ailia nodded. She knew what Unni meant, but why did it feel so wrong?