Introduction of Dating
Today there are so many ways to express yourself in dating, and there is no wrong way of dating any more. With today technology and boldness of men and women to speak out, the possibilities are endless. You have your speed dating, cooking class dating, the popular online dating, phone line dating, social network dating, underground nightclub dating, text dating, old fashion dating, group dating, blind dates and crunch dating.
There truly is no wrong way of dating. There are so many options available for both sexes, whether gay, straight, and bi-sexual, transgender, everyone as options. I believe that options do help in making the right decision when it comes to a long term relationship.
The key is not for you to make the same mistake a hundred times over again. It is easy to say but very hard to accomplish, especially if you only have one set of rules to follow.
This book is not meant for a man but to help women from making the same mistake over and over again, to get you to the alter for the right reason and with the right guy.
Let us begin with the phrase “I can’t seem to find the right guy” Whoaaaaa! Hold on, this is the beginning of many problems for you, trust me I know. This small phrase causes a bunch of problems in getting a relationship. This phrase has caused many women heartbreak, late night cry marathons, binge eating, lack of confidence and low self-esteem for some.
This phrase has been passed down from generation to generation. From girls night out, to chick flick night for single women and even sometimes mother and daughter duo. So let’s step away from this phrase that has caused many bad date decisions. Understand ladies that it is not what you find but what you are analyzing.
Finding a man is the worst thing you can do as a woman and it puts you in a category of desperation by men. I know I know you “heard” stories of women going online and meeting Mr. Right and the two get married, have a couple kids and live happily ever after. Trust me it was not that easy because if it was, first of all she would not have advertise herself on an online dating service. Most times women have to get to that point in life to go viral to the world and most times women want to believe that Mr. Right will walk up to her while she is doing laundry at the laundry mat or picking peaches in the produce section but after several attempts of dating and usually the worst dates, she decides to take her dating to the World Wide Web and even then she may meet a couple of terrible dates, a couple of turn offs, a couple of jerks and finally she meets Mr. right. She then dates the guy, marry the guy and possibly divorce the guy down the road, because there are no guarantees in dating but the only guarantee is that you stay in control of who you want to date.
The phrase “I can’t seem to find the right guy” indicates that you are looking and we woman have standards just like men the only difference is that we women must allow that man to accept us. I know it is old fashion and this is the new millennium but the old way still works today. The first thing to understand is that a man has no problem in talking to a woman to get to know her, rather he does it in steps or shyly disguises it or abruptly does it. The point is he will do it. I hear all the excuses that women give for a man that has not yet talked to her. For example, the biggest one “his probably shy” news flash even a shy guy will make a move, it may take him a couple of days or he may find himself plotting and planning on how to get your attention but he will do it.
Another thing a lot of women forget is that it is not all about them. When a guy wants to take you out and get to know you and the both of you start to get along well and all looks good for the future, then all of a sudden the phone calls stop, texting stop, he no longer is available and you find yourself pulling out your hair and crying in a corner and the tears flow and the words come “I can’t seem to find the right guy”. I just want to let you know that the guy have to find you very interesting, he must really be into you and your heart. Remember there will always be a woman or girl that is pretty than you, smarter than you, more sensitive than you, better body than you, classier, and the list can continue on. The point is that you must know that it takes two to make a relationship work and maybe he believed that you were not his type after all or maybe he was better off with the girlfriend he gave up over a year ago.
Whatever reason it is, he has made it clear through his actions of not responding to your calls, brushing you off, telling you every line he could just to keep you out of his life, that you are not the one and for those guys that are brave to say it is over just reassures me that men are looking for that right person too.
What I am trying to say is being a woman there are certain standards that must be taken in order to show that you are serious about a relationship or even marriage.
Have you ever heard a man say “well she just isn’t my type”, or “I like you but I just don’t see this relationship going anywhere”. The truth is the majority of men have standards, from only dating blondes, to dating models, or dating women who lack confidence. He knows exactly what he wants and he won’t settle for less but we as women believe that he just need to meet the right woman for him to change his mind, or you have a plan to change his way of thinking all together. Listen! Stop! And move away from the man. The only one that should change is you! Stop thinking every man is charmed by your feminine wiles or that you can change a frog into a prince.
The truth is a man knows exactly what he wants, sure he may play the field until he gets what he wants, or he may even marry what he did not expect but “most” times men have standards and women should have standards too!
This is not necessarily tall, dark and handsome with a six figure salary and a vacation home in Maui. Standards can mean being on time, respecting you by pulling out your chair, helping you out the car or even listening to you instead of him going on about his career. Don’t settle for Mr. Wrong or Mr. Right now; take a stand a get exactly what you want or at least as close as possible.
Give yourself rules and prioritize in your life to make sure you’re getting what you want out of a relationship.
The bottom line is that you should not settled for a right now when you can prep and prepare yourself for Mr. Right. Don’t waste your time on Mr. right now because the more time you spend with the guy, the more you are accepting of things that you know you would never in a million years put up with.
Now is the time to find out what you really are willing to put up with in a relationship that will lead you to the alter. So get your rules and standards prioritized and know what you want and not what you will settle for.
MEETING RULES
Just because a guy offers you his number does not mean that you have to take it, you are not obligate to please every guy that wants to get to know you. Now there are some women who enjoy giving out her number, because it makes her feel like she is the most beautiful woman and most desired woman on the planet. This woman has no standards in what she wants, she doesn’t care who approaches her and she doesn’t care what the guy looks like; her goal is to simply obtain a number for her calendar book, she is looking to categorize these guys, maybe he will help her with rent this month, maybe he could take her out to dinner, or pay for her manicure and pedicure and maybe he could just be the guy to use to make her other guys jealous. This woman is not looking to settle down but to accomplish as many things as possible in her life by using the men that come in it.
This is not a good sign for a relationship or even marriage, and if marriage should come from it, be reassured that there will be rocky days ahead.
It is important to decide what you want and what you can put up with for the rest of your life. Take a man for example; most men pick women that will or willing to do what the man find interesting So if he likes camping, he definitely wants a woman that can handle herself with or without bug spray, he may be into comic books or even action figures but he wants someone that will appreciate the things he is into. So most of us women will conform to his comic books, water rafting, expensive action figure collections, just in the hopes of getting the ring and the chance to say “I Do”. Then suddenly years later you find his comic book collections childish, or his outdoor living a waste of time, remember conformity does not mean permanent so the love of your life may not be what you really thought. Which is why it is really important to have a relationship with someone that you can adjust to in the highs and lows.
So my advice would be when you meet that guy who you have an instant attraction to, don’t be so quick to accept his number but do the reverse and take his number. This is important for the beginning of what you want in a relationship and what type of man would be right for you and it allows you to be in control from the beginning to the end.
You might say that doesn’t make sense, I have given many guys my number and they have called me, true but do you remember a time when you would come home and check your voicemail, or check your cell phone every five minutes hoping that he called, or get excited when you see an unidentified number on your phone and you were hoping it was him, only to find out it was the wrong number. If you take the guy number not only are you in control of your emotions but you can call on your time, and you can ponder if this guy is worth going out with. This will also give the guy time to think about you more and to know that you are in control and will decide what is best for you. Many of you will probably for go this advice but those who see the altar at the end of the tunnel or a lasting relationship will be willing to do what it takes to get the right relationship.
Now before you take his number he must qualify to take you out or to see you again, there has to be questions involved, and the questions are totally up to you, you may say I know this but think back when you lost your mind looking into those gorgeous eyes of his or his rock hard body and forgot to ask important questions. I would highly suggest to stick with the basic questions; it safe ground and it is easy to talk about. The must have questions as you know are 1. Are you married, this goes without any answer behind it, I mean really how can you commit to someone who is already committed by the law 2. Are you in a relationship; this question has many layers of answers such as “well its complicated, “only on the weekends”, “ Well I just got out of a relationship”, “I have an open relationship at this time”, or “doesn’t everybody have some sort of relationship”. The only answer that is justifiable would be “no I am single and looking for the right woman”. Of course guys will do everything they can to impress you but what you are looking for are the basics so you can decide if you want to take his number, 3. Important question would be “how long have you been out of a relationship”. Seriously this question is high on the list. Most time people are on the rebound and want to scam out a guinea pig to get over and make their partner mad. Sometimes the guy just want a right now relationship until they are serious about a real one, and sometimes the guy just want a sexual partner to avoid a relationship. So if you receive a response that the relationship ended two weeks or a month ago, take your chances, especially if they had to endured a long relationship, chances are they will get back together and you will be hurt but that is the chance you take. If the guy have been out of a relationship for over seven months or more your chances are better, especially if he is not exclusively dating anyone else. There are no guarantees but you want to limit yourself from being hurt as much as possible. Newly broken up relationships are a high risk than those who have been out of a relationship more than seven months, if you go with the six month it still a chance that the two may get back together because it is only half way through the year but if you hit the seven month mark which is closer to a year it may be workable, usually by then the couples have started seeing other people.
Now once you have asked those very few important questions gladly take the number and then you can think on your time if you want to call the guy or not. Is this guy worth your valuable time? It is okay to size the guy up because this is your heart we are talking about here. Also don’t feel like you are being desperate by taking the other guy number, if this guy really wants to get to know you chances are they will wait on your call.
FIRST CALL TELL THE GUY WHAT YOU WANT
Now that you have decided to accept the number and pondered about this guy being a possibility of getting to know. It is time to make the call, timing is everything. It seems really silly but men do it all the time ( not all men) but most men will call a week or two later as to not to seem desperate, or some will call the very same day or even in the same hour, it just depends on how much they are willing to get to know you. First rule is not to call on the weekend, sure you may say “I don’t play games like that, I want somebody who is able to speak whenever”, and the truth is all relationships are a game sort of speak. I’ll prove it, when you are out with a date and you notice a beautiful woman before your mate spots the guy, you have already built up scenarios in your mind as what you will do if he does or doesn’t react, or leaving hints about your birthday wanting the guy to make sure he didn’t forget and if he did you have a tongue lashing for guy. It is all a game, so back to what I was saying. Do not call on the weekend, this does show that your social life is pretty empty if you consider hanging on the phone with the guy you just met, it shows you have no friends to occupy your time, it shows you have nothing better to do but dial a number and speak to someone who may have a bigger social life than you. For some people this is considered clingy, desperate and it is considered a headache because now this guy knows you are going to throw all your energy into him instead of building a social life for yourself. Most mates, especially men want to know that their woman has friends to hang out with, this way he can hang out with his friend without feeling obligated in being with you all day. (Well it’s true and you know it). So the weekend call is totally out. Calling in the afternoon after lunch would be very good, this indicate that you probably were on a lunch break or busy doing errands. Calling in the morning is not good either, this suggest that you have the guy on your mind already and it is only 9: 15 a.m. in the morning. This screams desperation don’t do it but calling after five in the late afternoon but not after eight in the evening lets the guy know that one you had respect enough for him to finish out his day, two, that you may have been busy yourself, even if you were not, and three it gives the guy time to actually settle down for the day and have time to talk to you.
Now if the guy does not answer don’t panic or assume that the guy is not interested, just leave a message, clearly caller I.D and voicemail will prove that you did call but if the guy picks up the phone; let the questions begin. The most important question that should be asked after you get all the other small questions out the way is, “What type of relationship are you looking for”? This question is the deal breaker. If the response to the question goes something like this “Oh I am just looking to date and see if I can find somebody to hang out with” or my favorite line I laugh at all the time, “ I am just looking for a friend right now” news flash! The big red button should be going off right about now. Clearly this guy is not looking for nothing serious, just someone to have fun with and go out for drinks. Now if you think you can handle that and most women truly cannot, bid your farewells. The answer should be along the lines of “I am looking for the right one that I can build a relationship with”, “I am looking for someone that I can have a lasting relationship with”, “ I am looking for someone that I can settle down with”, or “ I am looking for someone that I can take home to my parents”, it doesn’t have to be those exact words but the words should state that a long relationship or marriage is in the picture. (Don’t worry he must back up those words, we will talk about that later).
Once you have those correct words then you can move forward and let the guy know that you are looking for a long lasting relationship or marriage in the future. This will scare some away but those who are serious will not skip out, this must be discuss to ensure a relationship of truth and possible marriage. No one wants to be strung along, so don’t be afraid to get the truth out of yourself. So many times couples break up because they realize they want a totally different relationship. One wants kids the other do not, one wants an open relationship the other does not, or one wants to be spoiled and the other also. So it is important to get the big questions out the way. Next question is a little harder, the values that you will not or will do. Again women have a bad habit of bending their life around in many shapes just to adjust to that ma. She puts her life on hold, her dreams, her goals, even her beliefs in order to snag and tag the man and once she gets the man she must continue to give up all that she wants because now he is under the impression that it is all about him and you are in total agreement to it. Not so! This is so wrong, GET A LIFE! Stick to your values, your beliefs and your dreams, the guy that is right for you will believe as you, adjust to you and build with you, don’t be afraid to speak your mind, remember you want less stress as possible when it comes to a relationship and/or marriage.
Now if you are a Christian and your faith is for you to remain untouched (no sex) it is important that this is spoken on the first phone call. I know you probably do not want to do this because chances are the guy may not want to continue the conversation or simple blows you off but my guess is that the guy will look at this as a challenge and will be intrigued by it and pursue you just to see if you’re telling the truth or to see if he can conquer you in the bed. So if you get another phone call then keep watch on his intentions.
Being a single Christian has it challenges but if you are devoted to your faith then it is important to know that the guy that you want in your life, for the rest of your life is willing to wait on you until marriage. Now this is a big test for Christian singles because most people are not willing to wait on marriage before sex, most people believe this is the reason for sex just to simply enjoy and to experience but if you have faith that requires you to stay untouched (that goes for oral sex) then don’t give up your values and beliefs; why sacrifice yourself just for the sake of a guy who may or may not stick around. If this guy really want to get to know you and build something with you then the guy will wait and not pressure you but if you are getting pressured and feeling burden down with remarks on why you should have sex, then the guy is only thinking of his self. And he will not consider your beliefs and values as important, and if that is the case then how can this guy care about anything else in your life when this would be something you would consider very important and if you give in to the temptation then your relationship from then on out will only be about what that guy wants and now they will know that you can be manipulated to do what best for them because you gave up something that cannot be replace and that is yourself and your dignity. You just lost that and now it will be hard to get it back and to even be taken seriously because you just confessed with your body that giving yourself without marriage is less important than what the guy who wanted to use you. By the way just because a ring is presented to you does not qualify for having sex. Sex is after the I Do’s, remember it is a challenge and a conquest to have you, why should the game be easy for the guy.
If the guy decides to leave and does not want anything else to do with you; then I would call that divine intervention, because you were going to get dumped anyway with or without sex. It will be hard to stand firm and wait for the right guy to come along but if you hold out and save yourself and keep your dignity it will be worth it.
Remember sex only last less than an hour but your dignity being ruined last much longer to regain.
The next important question is really a statement; it is important to inform the guy that you will be dating other guys until you know that you have considered the right one. This is a sticky topic because it may seem that you are coming across as a flirtatious woman but if you carry yourself with respect and dignity then there is no reason for the man to believe otherwise. You can also let the gentleman (that remains to be seen until after the date) know that your quest to bed any guy you date is null. You are only dating to make sure that you are fully getting a healthy relationship with the right guy. Here is a great analogy; it is easy to say you like a pair of shoes if you only buy one pair. Now if you buy several pair of shoes and in different colors then you have a good idea of what shoes are your favorite, which ones are not worth wearing again because they are so uncomfortable and which ones are just for those special occasions.
Many times men and women start off by exclusively dating that one person and then he or she finds out that the person that was so forever in their life is not what they expected. So the cheating begins and now there is a big mess in the relationship because now you found your “true love” through cheating when you thought you already had it. Do yourself a favor and make options for yourself and date several people (don’t bed each person) this way you can decide on what it is you truly want out of a relationship.
Women don’t be concern with whether or not the man will call you back after this statement, remember being up front in what you want will filter out much confusion, and if the guy cannot understand that then you know he is being unreasonable, I mean seriously! What person would start out being in a committed relationship with a person that they just started talking to over the phone and went out on a few dates with? Here is a good example, have you ever gone out with a guy and you had high hopes that he was a great potential for a husband or long term relationship and you’re out having a good time and Wham! A woman appears in front of you both upset that the man she thought was so great too! Was now out on a date with you, clearly this woman assumed that he was exclusively dating her only, and you thought he was dating you only. ( Now you can kick yourself for turning down the other guys that wanted to take you out).had he only been upfront with the both of you and to let you know that he is exploring his options until he finds the right one, then the whole fiasco could have been avoided.
Many times a man will let you know up front what he is looking for, think back on some of your relationship, don’t worry I’ll wait……..Ok now, do you remember when he told you what he wanted, for example I am just dating right now, I am looking for a friend (sex partner) or my favorite, I just want someone to hang out with and you totally disregarded it and at the end of it all you got mad at him for cheating on you, well ….Helloooooo… he told you in the first place what he wanted, most times men are very honest up front because they want to know where a woman head is and to see if you are bright enough to not fall or fall for what they have to say. So why not do the same, most women are much more weaker in relationship than men, a woman wants to believe that there is a such thing as a happily ever after and I say that your happily ever after can be whatever you like, a man that works at a factory and comes home and drink a beer on the couch to relax, a man that loves the great outdoors, an adventurer who thrill seeks every chance he gets, or a millionaire that lavish his woman in diamonds and expensive dinners. There is no one way to be happy in a relationship with a man. You have to be honest up front in what you want in a relationship and that you will not stop until you get it and if he happens to be the one, then immediately let him know and if his response is the same for you as well, then there is the match made, believe it or not men like flatter too, and most men will be honor that you chose them over the other guy. Do yourself a favor and be honest with what you want in a relationship.
DATING UNTIL YOU KNOW YOU HAVE THE RIGHT ONE
When you are young dating is an exciting thing, meeting a new guy learning all about him, going to different places, having fun and hanging out. When you are young and in love it is a great experience. Love for a young person means a long future with Mr. Right, a big house, a huge backyard for the new puppy, and two or more children that you are able to support because you both will have great careers. Young relationship means that there are endless possibilities and that the both of you have your whole life ahead of you; to do what you want. To travel and to plan out your future. Wait what about the middle age women or the baby boomers, do they want love too! Of course…duhhhhhhh. A more seasoned woman may believe that her good years are already behind her and that now she is only looking to settled down and find Mr. Anything. She notice that the lines on her face are increasing and the gray on her head is shinier than before.
I say seasoned women because she already have had the experience of dealing with all the wrong types, raising children, having a career, traveling, building new adventures in her life or she is already in the mist of accomplishing all that she wants to do and now she realize that she wants to share it with some great guy.
Well rather you are young, middle aged or even well season dating until you have Mr. Right will help you make the right decision for your future. You may think that it is not important and what does your future have to do with dating a guy, well let me tell it has a lot to do with it. Ask all the women who had their credit score lower because they loved the guy so much that she bought him the latest gadgets, motorcycle, car and even putting a down payment on a house she hoped that she would be in one day; don’t believe me, okay well turn on any court reality show and you will see the endless count of women giving ever so generously their bank account to a man. As a matter of fact. If your shaking your head right now because you done this, and sadly more than once….tsk tsk…..don’t worry I think a lot of women including myself have done the fool thing once or twice in her life but to keep doing it is beyond foolish, it just down right dumb!
Listen women the man is not your baby, literally! He is a man and lavishing him with toys and money will not make him love you, I know, I know you loved him so much that you wanted to , and guess what he didn’t stop you either….News Flash!!! He is a grown man, I repeat he is a grown man! Until you have documented papers proving that you are a Mrs. To him (and this does not include the engagement ring, because he still can renege the engagement) do not buy him anything. Okay I just figured someone will say while they are reading this, well what about his birthday…..okay fine splurge a dollar or two for a card but not over five dollars. Seriously! Remember you are dating this guy to find out if he is husband material and is the right one for you and if you’re constantly doing things for him including loaning money, then you will never see what could be his true side immediately because now he is masking his true feelings behind your gifts.
Dating until you know you have the right one sounds fun but actually it should be a lot of hard work, because you are constantly investigating his personality, character, spending habits, the way he acts around friends and family including yours, how does he act in public, his views on politics, race in America and the list goes on.
This man is a potential to be a husband to you that means he has a right to make life decisions when you are not mentally or physically able. This is the man that will help you in raising kids or even kids from a previous relationship. Jeez! This man will carry a lot of responsibilities and so it is important to be hard at work learning and understanding everything about him. Now if you don’t care about that, then it is time to put this book down and go down to the nearest pub and pick up any deadbeat.
Now I did not forget about you women who are waiting for God to bless you with a husband, I mean this still applies to you as well, the only difference is and ladies who are not into those beliefs you are more than welcome to catch on to this tidbit if you want. You must consult the Lord after you have completed your investigation into why you believe this man is the right one for you and you must get God approval, you must have counseling with your pastor and you must maintain your credibility has a devoted Christian, otherwise this could be a big letdown for you.
Being a devoted single Christian has its challenges, it is not the same as dating someone right off the bat, the credibility of your beliefs are involved. You must make a good impression with God by taking everything you have learned during your walk with God and making sure that the person that you have decide to be with is acceptable with God.
This is a question that many Christian women have a problem accepting and that is “should he be just as equal to me in my devoted walk with God”. I say that is a question that must be prayed about to God, he is the only one that can answer that. However if you want my personal opinion of a woman who have been devoted to God, I say that it is important to date quality guys that have a high standard with God, for example the guy may not attend church regular but he has good morals, family values, he believes in God (but loves his Sunday sports), he loves he parents/mother, he is good with kids, very responsible, has a good career or job, are you getting my point. Let’s face facts there are more Christian women in church than there are man so if you are waiting on Mr. Right in a church setting you may be disappointed, don’t put God in a box, remember Joel in the bible, yep God told him to marry a Harlot in today standards that would be considered a hooker, skank, prostitute or whore and hoe, (we women were given so many negative nicknames) God was trying to make a point to the children of Israel so remember you don’t know what God has up his sleeve so be open-minded.
Please remember just because your dating several guys at once, does not mean you should have sex wi