Just thinking about all those so called 'experts' - life coaches, gurus, swamis, TV cooks, politicians, celebrity authors and faceless nobodies - desperate, to ram their knob head opinions down my throat makes me want to spew. There is no area of life left without some grubby little tapeworm smearing its unwanted and nauseating opinion into it.
The bastards cheerfully inform us if we don’t measure up to some impossibly tedious ideal encapsulated in some bullshit celebrity ‘save the plankton’ type book or Government ‘fuck responsibly’ type pamphlet our miserable existences are an insult to mankind's eternal struggle to distinguish itself from the primordial slime it came from. The only real certainty is that the world would be a better place if all these self-styled 'experts' shoved their endless opinions up their respective arses.
However, as this is unlikely to happen, without a nationwide campaign involving much bloodshed, glide instead into a chaise longue with a glass of Chardonnay and a coarse cut Brussels pate or slump into a easy chair with a bottle of Newcastle Brown and a battered saveloy, and rest assured that many ‘experts’ were harmed in the making of this book.
*Here then is the fervently awaited definitive, all-encompassing anthology of...
13 years at school
5 O levels
2 A Levels
£25K a year
£33k in debt
What the fuck is that all about?
"There goes my no claims bonus!"
It's getting so a man can't drive an unlicensed juggernaut through a busy high street whilst under the influence of drink and drugs without wearing a seat belt!
What long and careful editorial process decides which headline is to occupy pride of place on your morning newspaper? Seemingly such criteria as unrelentingly misery, sensationalism and general bias all help but in the final analysis, the most essential element is that touch of complete bollocks that makes a great headline so much more than the news behind it.
Ok - I jet across the world to Lassi Lassi and pay 'carbon credits' to the airline for being so naughty as to have created carbon who then pass them on to a company who pass them on to someone who plants a tree that does inhale. Only thing is it takes about 80 years for it to be old enough to inhale by which time my 'carbon footprint' is all but fossilized.
However whenever there are middle men involved, waste will happen so best cut them out altogether and next time you hop on a flight to Dubrovnik tell them you do not have to pay the carbon footprint levy because 80 years ago you planted a giant Redwood in your herbaceous border. Then set yourself up as a 'Carbon Company' and start selling carbon credits to your fellow passengers – no harm in making a few bob at the same time...
The thing about the national debt is I never ran it up and neither did you!
It's not a national debt. I paid my taxes on time (mostly). All the while the bastards have obviously just not been passing the payments on.
It's about time we stopped calling it a 'National Debt' and renamed it the 'None of our Responsibility Debt'
and gave it back to the bastards who created it in the first place.
If I wanted a bunch of psychotic, nerdy, ugly, basement dwelling Billy-no-mate nutters I don't really know, as friends, I'd join the Rotary club wouldn't I?
Everything in moderation my arse! Mind you that might be the one thing that would be best in moderation. But that aside the only things that are best in moderation are life saving operations for the bastards who come up with this platitudal drivel!
Equal only to the social stigma of embezzling funds from a children's orphanage is that of failing to posses one of these garishly coloured shit-sucking machines.
The lengths some people will go to prove they're oh so macho is quite unbelievable...
I've never felt the need to prove my manhood but if I had I wouldn't do it by chowing down on bizarre dishes that the rest of us would be having surgically removed rather than eating.
A case in point is the machismo Japanese obsession with our cuddly friend, the blow or puffer fish.1500 times more fatal than cyanide, how shit is your life is that you are hoping your dinner is going to kill you? And you're willing to pay handsomely for the pleasure!
By the way, what do you reckon they do about sushi breath?
Like all endangered species, these supine, bamboo guzzling, two-tone lardy boys have never done a decent days work in their lives. Or put your kids through University!
Question 1: When are elections for local government held?
option 1: When they have all retired.
option 2: When they are all in prison.
option 3: When they are all dead.
option 4: Whenever.
Question 2: How many members does the National Assembly of Wales has?
option 1: It's full of Dicks.
option 2: None, they're all Jones & Smith.
option 3: What was the question?
option 4: What the fuck is Wales?
Question 3: English cannot be used in the National Assembly of Wales
option 1: TRUE - waffle is the preffered language.
option 2: FALSE - there is no National Assembly of Wales.
Question: 4: How many countries are there within the countries of UK?
option 1: 4
option 2: 3 - It's a trick question - Wales isn't a proper country.
option 3. 2 - neither is Scotland.
option 4: 1 - Northern ireland - the clues in the name - Ireland!
Question 5: Which year was the Assembly of Wales and Parliament of Scotland established?
option 1: I think I'm in a coma.
option 2: I think I don't care anymore.
option 3: zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.
option 4: Fuck this! I'mm going to apply for Albanian Citizenship - it'll be more fun."
Having a Citizenship test is a great idea. Having one that means the country is full of new arrivals who know a bunch of political crap the indigenous population neither neither know nor care about, is not. The problem is, politicians don't realise or don't care that what is needed is real life information to allow immigrants to blend in…
Q1 - Parliament is legally allowed to raise taxes - How can you legally or otherwise stop the bastards getting hold of all your hard-earned cash?
Q2 - During elections can you avoid all Party Political Broadcasts by purchasing Sky TV?
Q3 - Has any Welsh Assembly member played for a first division side? And if so, in which position?
Q4 -MPs and Assembly members are sometimes referred to by more vernacular terms - list some of the more colourful ones.
Q5 - The main Parliamentary recess occurs during the summer months - what day of the week are the majority of Chinese takeaways closed?
It is only a matter of time before those earning a nice living from intervening in the population's unconscious daily attempts at ending it all, turn their attention to childbirth in the workplace. Obviously childbirth per se is highly dangerous, but in the workplace it presents particular opportunities for eagle-eyed H&S officers:
Slips & trips are a serious hazard, with the umbilical cord and placenta statistically presenting the greatest risks. The undignified ooze and seepage don't help either.
The incidents of drowning from waters bursting is on the increase - all employees should be equipped with water wings
Cutting your tongue on the stirrups and the resulting bleeding is a breeding ground for infection and the resulting amputation of the entire limb needs to be considered
Lastly, food poisoning is the single most likely Health and Safety issue of childbirth in the workplace - remember, always fry the placenta for at least five minutes - and check before you start that the baby is no longer attached as this increases the cooking time.
The Inland Revenue get a bad rap as do all civil servants at times it seems but the truth is we are all civil servants. The average wage earner pays a few quid here and there to our friends at the tax office - so we all work for the government from January to May and then they kindly allow us to earn a few pennies for ourselves..
We should turn this to our advantage. and claim this wage off the government from January to May, deduct any tax owing from our normal wage and pocket the difference – and claim the Queen's birthday off!
keep fit- - 12 months hard physical training to have the pleasure of sweating your balls off for 3 hours and then laying in a pool of your own vomit.
Can you hear the pick me noises?
This 'Respect your elders even if they are utter, utter bastards' stuff can work to your advantage if you play it right. When you first are sluiced out of the old birthing gates, every git is older than you are and you are forced to tug your brow even to your squitty, dribbling, two month old brother.
But wait, by the time you are pulling your rapidly-diminishing pension you are darn well older than pretty much anyone still with their own teeth. By the time you claw you way into triple figures* you can insult, bite, steal from or urinate on pretty well anyone on the planet .
So go the whole hog on your hundreth and commit grand larceny, fraud, triple-degree shoplifting and call your grandchildren a bunch of shitkickers and then demand they show you the respect you deserve while rifling their pockets for loose biscuits and credit cards.
Solve the energy crisis by harnessing the unending political hot air and bullshit our right honourable friends produce.
On the other hand, all that excessive methane is very environmentally unfriendly - best pulp the lot of them!
The existence of Work proves unequivocally the existence of God – or at least a higher power. The majority of people would be lost in the wilderness without some structured activity to keep them from falling into a pre-Victorian savage-letting-mushy-fruit-fall-into-their-open-mouths kind of existence. We must fight this noxious possibility at every turn and hope that our ally,the Government, never thinks of spending less than the country earns and is forced to reduce taxation as a result. The resulting horror of ordinary common folk being forced to consider the impossibility of actually not having to work to the grave and beyond is terrifying– just for the moment, however, I feel, we can all breath easy....
If, as according to Literaria, Shakespeare was and still is, the greatest playwright of all time - how come then he's never been asked to write an episode of The Simpsons?
It’s easy to spout such poetic cock, but can you eat a beautiful sunset or any other wonder of nature for that matter? Can you smoke it...or drink it? Is it worth anything?
If only...
Art experts will tell you that it's oh so easy to criticize some of the winning entries for the Turner Prize, oh so easy to pour scorn on piles of bricks, unmade beds, mounds of Lego, false limbs spelling out 'we love you Shirley' – true, but that's because to 'the uninitiated', they're shit. by the sheer act of entering. you're guaranteed to win half a cow.
Your parents never really wanted you to do as you were told; after all every parent really wants their child to reach their full potential.
So remember, when little Johnny shags the au pair, sets fire to the house, backs the jag into the pool and flies to Rio with your credit cards, he's just expressing his individuality.
Seemingly a sensible piece of advice, but if you think about it for a moment everyone is a stranger until you've talked to them. If you actually heeded this nonsense you would end up talking to no one, with an old shoe as your only friend.
And besides, there's no one stranger than your parents!
How glamorous can it really be - copulating like street dogs in a 1.5m x 1m plastic piss-box in the sky?
Dieticians and celebrity 'I've-got-another-diet-book-to-flog' vultures circle around us with this week's all new low-carb, high-bollocks miracle diet. Yet statistics consistently prove these slimming diets don't work for most people -whereas lard-up programs always work - and the weight stays on. A processed food diet mostly consisting of TV dinners and other such lardy foods would fit the bill nicely. Unfortunately, however, like most diets themselves, processed foods are like a housewife in whore´s clothing -they promise so mu
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