3. SETTING UP YOUR PLAN
THE ROLE OF YOUR BUDDY
Earlier, I stressed that a great deal of value could be gained, in working through the Plan's Program, by making use of a “buddy”. The buddy you choose is likely to be someone you know quite well, someone whose views and judgement you respect, a good listener and a person who is largely emotionally and psychologically stable. Your buddy also needs to be someone who knows you well and is assertive enough to be frank and honest in communicating with you. She or he needs to accept and support the general concept that a self-help program for personal development can work. It is vital too that your buddy is able and willing to spend some confidential time with you each week throughout the Program's eight week duration.
It is recommended that you do your utmost to secure a buddy before starting to work on the targets chosen in your Personal Plan but after you have chosen your general goals and selected the related targets. How to establish your goals and work out your related targets is explained fully later in this chapter.
Your buddy could be your spouse or partner, a relative, a dear friend or a work colleague.
Choosing a buddy will require careful thought and a willingness, on your part, to share with that person something of your concerns and aspirations about your present lifestyle. Initially, you will need to request and be sure of your buddy’s willingness to devote the necessary time and support for you throughout the Program’s eight weeks. Your buddy will probably have to be willing to provide you with about half an hour of her/his time each week. Once the necessary commitment to you has been made, you need to explain to your buddy the general set-up of the Program and how you have selected appropriate goals and broken these down into manageable weekly targets. Do not [at this stage] ask your buddy about how she/he thinks you should seek to change your lifestyle. Later, when your buddy has a full understanding of his or her role in your project and expressed a willingness to support you, you can outline the goals and targets you have selected. In this discussion with your buddy, you can obtain worthwhile feedback on whether or not the choice of goals and targets you have made makes good sense to someone who knows you well. Your buddy will also be in a favourable position to comment on whether your plans for self-change are realistic and within your capacity to achieve. However, in the last analysis, you alone are responsible for your choice of goals, targets and project timeframe. While you may adjust your Personal Plan on the basis of this discussion with your buddy, you must not allow your buddy to tell you what you should do to enrich your lifestyle.
What is the Point of Having a Buddy?
Why can’t I follow the Program entirely on my own? Why do I need a buddy?
You probably can follow the Program on your own but I believe the chances of your ultimate success with it are far greater when you have a buddy working alongside you. Basically, your buddy is there to assist you in making and maintaining commitment to the Program. This assistance is demonstrated in a number of ways:
START NOW TO CONSIDER WHO YOUR BUDDY MIGHT BE AND MAKE THE NECESSARY APPROACH TO THAT PERSON. EXPLAIN TO HIM OR HER WHAT THE PROGRAM REQUIRES OF A BUDDY AND SEEK TO GET THE NECESSARY PROMISE OF SUPPORT FROM THE PERSON SELECTED.
Do not be tempted to dispense with the idea of having a buddy. If you do so, the likelihood of making a success of this Program is greatly reduced.
Consider why you would want to limit the Program in this way. Is it because of personal embarrassment or fear that, by asking for support from another individual, you are making a statement that your present lifestyle is not perfect? If it is, or if it is related to some form of similar thinking, realise that in today’s world most honest people would admit fairly readily that there is room for improvement in their own lifestyle. And so, rather than scorning you for your tacit admission [by asking for their support] most mature people would admire you for having the courage to try and bring about the life changes that are important to you. However, in the rare situation where you find it difficult to secure a buddy simply because you cannot find anyone who is willing to give you the necessary commitment, or you simply do not have any real friends, do not despair. But try not to assume this is the situation until you have really worked it through. If possible, ask at least two individuals and take the risk of being turned down by them. Even then, if there is no positive response to your request, do not abandon the program.
Not being able to find a person close to you who is willing to support and endorse your efforts at self-improvement probably says quite a lot about where your life is at right now. In fact, it probably highlights how much you need to work urgently on developing your personal relationships with others. In such a situation, and where a buddy is simply not available, take the risk and work through the Program on your own.
Another possibility for help and support exists. This book has a linked web site at www.changeyourlifein10weeks.co.uk where the same Phoenix Self-Help Life Plan is promoted. As the web site develops, it is intended to include a guest facility or link to a forum where those interested in the Program may be able to write comments about their experiences with it. Reading such comments could prove helpful to someone who is without a buddy.
It may even be that you could request another visitor to that site, who is fully familiar with the Program, to act in a buddy role. But do not do this hurriedly or without careful scrutiny of what the other person reports. As always with the Internet, great caution should be exercised in divulging personal and possibly highly confidential information to someone unknown to you.
If seeking help through the above web site does not appeal, or is impractical for whatever reason, and you are still without that vital buddy support, why not consider the substitute idea of creating a Program journal. This would entail keeping a weekly or daily notebook record of your efforts as you work through your Program targets. You could also include your own comments as to how you feel when you are successful in achieving the targets and why, if it happened, you missed out on some of them. This disciplined activity, if carried out faithfully, would probably keep your enthusiasm high and your motivation strong for continuing with the Program. At the same time, and through the remainder of the eight weeks, you could continue to seek for a caring person with whom you would feel confident to share some information about what you are seeking to achieve through the Phoenix Self-Help Life Plan.
YOUR PERSONAL PLAN
First Considerations
Now that you have completed your lifestyle evaluation by working through the Questionnaire and scoring it, you have established the HERE in your life [that is, where you are now]. It is also likely that you have come to the conclusion that there is a need for you to work at improving, re-planning and reforming some aspects of your present lifestyle. This consideration will take you towards the THERE in your life. Remember, THERE is where you want to be. Of course, the move or jump from HERE to THERE is, for most of us, not going to be achieved in one massive bound. Rather, you will move from where you are now to where you want to be by a series of carefully selected steps. I believe that the Program set out in this book will assist you in this gradual move from HERE to THERE. Be content with this step-by-step approach for achieving your goals, for it will – in the longer term - definitely get you to where you want to be, if you are persistent enough and follow through on the targets you have established.
BUT THERE ARE SOME COSTS INVOLVED
If you can meet these conditions, that’s great. It means it’s now time to move forward in developing your Personal Plan to move from HERE to THERE. Continue now to the section on ESTABLISHING YOUR GOALS.
If, unfortunately, you can’t meet the above conditions, for whatever reasons, please don’t give up on the idea of self-improvement. Perhaps bookmark the Program set out in this book for now and come back to it when you are ready and able to move forward again. OR
if this Program seems unsuited to your needs, why not search elsewhere for something more appropriate?
IF YOU GIVE UP NOW ON WORKING TO IMPROVE THE QUALITY OF YOUR PRESENT LIFESTYLE, IT IS LESS LIKELY THAT YOU WILL RETURN TO THIS IMPORTANT TASK IN THE NEAR FUTURE. IF YOU TAKE THIS OPTION, YOU ARE LIMITING YOURSELF TO A CONTINUATION OF THE INADEQUATE LIFESTYLE YOU ARE EXPERIENCING CURRENTLY.
IS THIS WHAT YOU REALLY WANT?
ESTABLISHING YOUR GOALS
The THERE Concept...[where you want to be]
Obviously, you need to know where ultimately you want to be prior to establishing the necessary steps to getting there. Hopefully, after having worked through the Questionnaire exercise, you now have a clearer idea of this. To further assist in this task, try to evaluate where you would like to be, in all aspects of your life, in three (or two or five) years from now. Such a time based approach allows more easily for the setting up of clear and definable goals [and then targets] which will help you to get THERE.
No one outside yourself can define your THERE or set down for YOU which goals and targets you should select for your Personal Plan. However, there are a number of elements which seem to the author to be related to a successful and happy modern lifestyle, often regardless of a person's age, status, gender or aspirations. Some of these elements will be more important to some individuals than to others and some elements will, for some people, have no very important meanings at all. Yet it is a valuable exercise to scrutinise these and to assess their relative importance in your own lifestyle. One can probably live a fairly comfortable, happy and satisfying life without having to meet all the criteria implied in each of them What is helpful is to work out the ones which have most relevance in your life at the moment and to resolve to work on these.
The elements listed are in addition to the human person’s basic needs for safety, food, shelter and community. They are presented for your consideration and set out below. The elements are not listed in any priority order:
Give consideration as to how you rate in your own life on the above elements and, together with the results already obtained through the Program Questionnaire, you will have a wide range of options on which to base your Personal Plan for the Program. Your immediate task now is to establish the precise goals you plan to include in your Personal Plan. Take time and care in this exercise. Remember that you are making a selection of the various changes that you might like to see enacted in your life. Distinguish between long- and short-term goals.
For the purposes of this Program, long-term goals refer to changes you would like to have achieved by the end of, say, two or three years while short-term goals refer to changes you hope to have made by the end of the eight week program.
For example, I will run 20 km three times a week is a long-term goal [achievable at the end of two years] while I will run three km once a week will be a short-term goal [achievable at the end of eight weeks].
In this Program, though you are mainly concerned with the achievement of short-term goals, it is valuable to have a related long-term goal in mind for each of the goals set down for your eight week Program.
In selecting your program goals, make allowance for the time and opportunity you will have at your disposal to spend on working the Program. Generally, it is appropriate to select two, three or four goals for inclusion. If you select a higher number than this, you may be setting up a commitment which will be too demanding with the likely outcome that you will give up before the eight weeks have expired. It is more fruitful to work on two goals, or even one, if it means you will see the Program through successfully. Clearly, you need to prioritise in your selection : but, I believe, you should include at least one goal which you regard as fundamental to your own self-development. Take care you do not include goals which are solely of someone else's making. Remember, outside the bounds of the laws of the land, no one has the right to decide how you should live your life or what beliefs and values you should live by.
Do not worry about the actual targets initially, for these represent the gradual steps of your selected goals and will be worked on later. Make sure each goal you select is sufficiently modest, clear, specific, realistic and measurable to the extent that it can be fully understood by someone else [e.g. your buddy]
Sometimes some of the goals we choose may involve refraining from, or limiting our involvement in, some kind of present activity or personal habit. Where this is the case, it is recommended that you write up the goal(s) in a positive statement. For example, if I want to stop smoking by the end of the eight weeks, I might record my goal in this way:
By the end of the Program I will have achieved total freedom from my smoking habit
Other possible areas for self-improvement which might need to be expressed positively could include:
What if one of my selected goals is to change my habitual way of thinking from a negative pattern to a more positive one? How can I set up appropriate targets for this which will help me to achieve my goal within the eight weeks of the Program? As already explained, our thinking patterns relate closely to our beliefs and values systems. If you are generally negative in your views about most things in your lifestyle you will need to examine and challenge some of these basic and, probably, long held beliefs and values. It is suggested that you read Chapters 6 [Happiness], 8 [Your Thinking] and 10 [Self-acceptance] in Part Three of the book. Carefully complete the Exercises which conclude each of these chapters.
Another way in which negative thinking can be challenged and often dislodged is by the use of affirmations. Affirmations are positive statements made to oneself and repeated, or listened to on a CD or posted on the fridge door or bedroom wall. They are particularly effective if used or listened to during a relaxation exercise or meditation session. Such sessions could be built into your weekly schedule as appropriate targets for your overall goal. When repeated sufficiently, at regular recurring intervals, they tend to enter the subconscious where they can germinate to become basic ways of thinking. Examples of affirmations could be:
When you have finalised your goal selection, write them out fully on the Goals Summary Sheet provided [see page 66]. When you write in the starting date for your eight week program, allow sufficient time to complete the task of breaking down your goals into appropriate targets and time to consult with your buddy on your proposed Personal Plan.
Work Out Your Goals Right Now
The Goals Summary Sheet is printed on page 66. There is also a sample [that is, partially completed ] copy available in the Appendices in Part Four of the book. If you are still somewhat unsure about how to proceed, have a look at this sample Sheet. Then photocopy the blank Goals Summary Sheet and begin to set up your Personal Plan.
STOP NOW AND WORK ON SELECTING THE GOALS YOU INTEND TO WORK ON FOR THE DURATION OF THIS SELF-HELP PROGRAM. TAKE TIME AND CARE OVER YOUR SELECTION.
WRITE YOUR SELECTED GOALS ON A COPY OF THE GOALS SUMMARY SHEET ON PAGE 66 AND SIGN AND DATE YOUR COMMITMENT
YOUR NEXT TASK WILL BE TO TAKE EACH SELECTED GOAL AND BREAK IT DOWN INTO TARGETS WHICH WILL BE SPREAD OVER THE EIGHT WEEK PERIOD OF THE PROGRAM. THIS TASK WILL BE EXPLAINED FULLY IN THE NEXT SECTION OF THIS CHAPTER.
The Goal Summary Sheet appears on the next page…