6. HAPPINESS
Most of us would agree that we want to be happy. But what is meant by happiness?
Perhaps happiness could be described as the feeling we experience when we enjoy a lifestyle which is safe, comfortable, lively, financially stable, includes close personal supportive relationships, is relatively free from fear, disease, loneliness and personal trauma, and where the individual has a sense of direction as to where she or he wants to go in life.
If all or most of these lifestyle qualities are present in sufficient form, it is likely that a person will mostly experience satisfaction and pleasure as they live from day to day. However, when one or more of the elements listed above are absent or inadequate in their lives, many people can experience a sense of deep unhappiness. The associated feelings can be anxiety, frustration, depression, confusion, resentment and lowered self-esteem.
However, what needs to be noted is that while the general description of happiness, as set out above, is basically accurate for all of us, most individuals place different levels of importance and priority on the individual elements which make up the concept. For example, close personal relationships may be seen as of more importance to one person while another places great value on the financial stability factor. In spite of the fact that most other elements may be in place in their lifestyles, some individuals, noting the absence of one or a few elements which they see as vitally important, experience an overshadowing sensation that they can never possess any sense of real happiness.
It follows, then, that for most people, happiness is a feeling, a concept, a state of mind that is highly individual and relates closely to how we look at and think about life. Our sense of what happiness is can also be influenced heavily by how we have been brought up and the range of other influences which have surrounded us as we have achieved early adulthood and beyond. It behoves us to stop, from time to time, and look more closely at what we, as individuals, really understand by happiness. A question to ask yourself is What do I think needs to be included in my lifestyle for me to be happy?
A cursory examination of people's lives in general makes it clear that happiness does not immediately result from personal wealth, power, prestige or striking physical appearance. It is also clear that a life characterised by frequent hardship, lack of prestige, little personal power and ordinariness of appearance is not necessarily full of unhappiness. What emerges from any such research is that happiness is more related to how we look at life events and to the beliefs and values which a particular person holds. This largely equates with how we think.
It is a central belief in rational-emotive and cognitive therapies that how we think is largely responsible for what we feel and how we typically behave. If we seek to raise the level of happiness in our lives, we need to look critically at our current ways of thinking and at the beliefs and values which underpin them. Values and beliefs are closely linked to each other and influence how we act in any given situation.
The Phoenix Self-Help Life Plan recognises the importance of our established thinking patterns and encourages you to take time and effort to work out what you really want in your life, both in the short and the long term. This relates to a careful examination of what things in your life you hold as valuable [values] and what ideas you strongly believe in [beliefs] . Often, a close scrutiny of these will demonstrate to you that your own portfolio of beliefs and values is somewhat out of date or not really in line with your more fully considered thoughts about which things should be priority in your lifestyle. In particular, take careful note of any beliefs which imply the words should or must. It may be that some of these ways of thinking reflect the views of someone else or some other societal institution and may not be part of the new portfolio you wish to build up.
The core argument presented here is that you can be happy provided that your lifestyle is neatly tuned to your beliefs and values. If, at the moment, they are not, you are left with the options:
No one of the above options is the only answer. Only you can work out which is most appropriate for your own benefit and happiness. In this regard, the Phoenix Self-Help Life Plan is a suitable tool to help you implement those changes you perceive as necessary to improve the life you live as at now. By working through the Program set out in this book, it is close to certain that you will be called upon to challenge some of your existing beliefs and values as you work to select the self-improvement goals you intend to work on during the eight weeks of the program.
Finally, it is stressed again that to be happy in life is a matter of decision for you. You can choose to be happy whatever the circumstances that surround you. The goals which you select for the Phoenix Self-Help Life Plan program will be the cornerstone of your efforts to change your life from how it is right now into making it a lifestyle which is essentially a happy and satisfying one.
You may find the exercise which follows helpful.
EXERCISE
Take some private time to work out what seem to you to be the most important basic beliefs and values which sustain your general mode of thinking. Write them down in your notebook.
Now examine them critically:
After this critical examination of your current beliefs and values, rewrite them in the way that, to you, makes most sense in terms of your current goals and life aspirations. Cancel any that seem inappropriate and add any that seem missing. Now, armed with this new set of beliefs and values, go back to consider what things or circumstances need to exist in your present lifestyle if you are to attain the kind of happiness that is meaningful to you. Relate this knowledge to the goals you selected for the Phoenix Plan Program. Are they compatible? If they are not, restate or rewrite your life goals so that they are.
If you have the chance, engage someone else [e.g. your buddy under the Plan] and discuss with that person your experiences in completing this exercise and whether or not it has proved beneficial.