8. YOUR THINKING
CHANGE YOUR THINKING…
Much has been written in this book about working to improve the quality of your present way of life. You have been introduced to the Phoenix Self-Help Plan which has been created and promoted as a framework to help you achieve a better lifestyle, making use of your self-selected goals and chosen project timeframe. You have been encouraged to rigorously examine your current lifestyle and to work out where and what important changes are required if your life is to become more satisfying and productive. You have examined these important areas for change and you have selected and prioritised a number of them as the goals for your Personal Plan. You have broken these down into manageable chunks or targets to be completed within specific periods. You have been assured that if you keep to your carefully crafted plan that you will achieve your goals in a matter of weeks. And, again and again, you have been reminded of your undoubted potential to get from where you are now to where you want to be.
I believe all of this reflects a sound and rational approach to bringing about the lifestyle changes that are important to you. And I have no doubt that if you follow through with the Phoenix program that you can achieve your goals. But perhaps the presentation of the Phoenix Plan, as set down here, glosses over a fundamental requirement which underpins all of the stages of this self-help program. This is the necessity to check your thinking about how you view both yourself and life in general. If we find that we engage regularly in negative self-statements we need to resolve to check out the validity of what we say about ourselves, and – where necessary – to take steps to change our habitual ways of thinking.
It is clear that you cannot work through the Phoenix Plan successfully without having to make fairly fundamental changes in how you discipline your mind and in how you think about your future. However, for real overall lasting progress, it is not enough to limit these changes in thinking to the specific goals and targets you have chosen in your self-improvement project. Rather, your new thinking approach needs to extend to everything about yourself and how you see and relate to others and to the world at large. This, of course, is a tall order and requires ongoing and consistent commitment to your newly created lifestyle.
Many self-help authors have written about the importance of and necessity to change your thinking if you want to move away from a distressed, frustrating and stressful lifestyle to a more satisfying, fulfilling and productive way of life where you enjoy greater fun, better interactions with others and general peace of mind. Many of these writers assert and support the truth in the maxim: Change Your Thinking – Change Your Life. A quick search on Google for this phrase will demonstrate the extent of this belief. Change Your Thinking – Change Your Life is also a foundation belief in cognitive therapy, on which the Phoenix Self-Help Life Plan is based. [More detail on this is contained in Appendix B – Theoretical Rationale for the Program].
The purpose of the present chapter is to highlight common areas and situations where individuals often possess irrational, distorted and unprofitable ways of thinking about themselves, about those they come in contact with and in their views of life events and the wider world. If real progress in lifestyle reconstruction is to come about and be maintained through the Phoenix Plan these areas of faulty thinking need to be discovered, challenged and repaired.
The way we think is vitally important in that our thoughts can largely create our feelings and influence our beliefs. Our feelings and beliefs have a powerful effect on how we behave. Thus, if I think and believe that most people are out to cheat me if they can I will experience suspicion and possibly fear when someone tries to sell me something that I really want [e.g. a second hand car or washing machine]. This initial belief can in turn create a further belief such “I will never buy a second hand item from anybody because they are only out to cheat you!” Of course, such a dogmatic belief is irrational and needs to be examined in the light of reality. Clearly, many people have bought second hand cars and washing machines from other individuals and been perfectly happy with their purchases. Likewise, many sellers of second hand goods are honest individuals who would not resort to cheating buyers. Of course, there will also be a small minority of sellers who will try and cheat any buyer. The task for the potential buyer is to discern whether the buyer is honest or fraudulent – admittedly, sometimes not an easy task.
The belief implied in the above example is that most people are out to cheat you wherever and whenever they possibly can. However, though irrational and without supporting evidence, such a belief may be strongly held and may prevent a person from engaging in the purchase of second hand items. This faulty thinking will be reinforced the next time an opportunity arises to obtain a desired item but which is second hand. The individual will most likely dismiss this new opportunity to purchase because – in their view – “It would be foolish to buy anything second hand as the seller is bound to cheat you…”. In time, this refusal to engage in purchasing a second hand item reinforces the distorted belief and disadvantages the individual’s purchasing options.
The above example demonstrates that the faulty thinking in the above situation is not only generated by the initial belief [“sellers of second hand items will cheat you…”] but that the continued flawed thought initiates action which is both irrational and non-productive [“I will never buy second hand items…”]. It follows from this that the belief is generally the source from which related faulty thinking and irrational actions arise. Thus, to challenge flawed thinking requires that we seek out the underlying belief which sustains it.
We then need to ask: but where does the faulty belief come from? Generally, it will have its origins in early social conditioning or in prior adverse experiences. To set right the flawed thinking, it will be necessary to challenge the belief and to trace its origin. Perhaps the belief had a particular validity at a previous time but no longer serves its original purpose. So, returning to our example of the reluctance to purchase second hand goods, the individual holding this belief may discover that his parents were responsible for foisting this dubious belief on him. The reason the parents held this view may be quite complex. It may simply have been passed down to them by their parents or it may have been a device used by them to hide their poverty. This suggests a further irrational belief held by them: “Only poor people buy second hand goods. Prosperous people buy new...”
Yet, regardless of the reason for the parents’ flawed belief, there is no convincing rational argument why anyone should think and hold the belief that “Sellers of second hand goods are always out to cheat you…”. By challenging and rejecting this limiting belief a person is freed from the dogmatic doctrine that to buy second hand goods inevitably leads to being cheated. The person can now see that the more accurate position in regard to purchasing second hand goods is that there is a greater likelihood that you can make a worthwhile and safe purchase. Of course, the wise buyer will – as far as possible – still take appropriate steps and cautions to ensure that the seller is honest and reliable.
More about the Rational-Emotive model on distorted thinking can be found in Appendix B.
Flawed Thinking About Ourselves
Far more serious than the example of flawed thinking discussed above are those negative irrational statements that many of us make about ourselves. These statements represent a most destructive form of flawed thinking in relation to oneself. Many of us – at times – are guilty of misrepresenting ourselves by highlighting our shortcomings and deficits while often ignoring our real talents and potential. We do this by self-talk, which is the way we communicate with ourselves about ourselves. Sometimes, we make statements like
and worse..
These sorts of self-statements seldom have a solid or factual basis. They are the weak cries of someone who essentially feels inferior and without the personal power to take on life’s challenges. These forms of implied self-criticism are totally destructive for they rob the individual of motivation to tackle day-to-day issues or to achieve new goals. They can wreck the potential of the Phoenix Plan to transform a lifestyle – in spite of having carefully formulated goals and targets to be worked on within a chosen timeframe.
Some further examples of negative self-statements are given in Appendix B [Theoretical Rationale for the Program]
It is vital that such negative and largely irrational self-talk is challenged and replaced if any worthwhile lifestyle changes are ever to be achieved. The following approach may be helpful in combating this flawed thinking:
I am a conscientious person who works hard to achieve any goals I set for myself…
I do have well developed skills in working with others..… or in hobbies such as ….. [examples: woodwork / dressmaking / music / photography / computing… or whatever]
I take every opportunity available to further my levels of physical and mental fitness…
Self-statements such as these [sometimes called affirmations] when included in our self-talk and reflected on regularly raise our opinion of ourselves and help to dissipate the effects of previous negative statements. When we feel good about ourselves through positive self-talk we become more confident, more able to recognise our potential for personal progress and we experience a greater degree of happiness. This, in turn, makes us more able to take on new challenges and to work with high levels of motivation to attain the goals that we choose to set for ourselves.
Flawed Thinking About Others And The World
Another form of flawed thinking occurs when we attribute negative motives to others or to groups of people without having any real evidence to support our assertions. In the example discussed earlier, sellers of second hand goods were branded as cheats. The evidence that exists does not support such a claim. Other examples we might hear from time to time are along the lines of
When statements like the above are challenged and evidence is demanded, they tend to fall short of the total truth. Indeed, they may contain an element of truth in that they may apply to some individuals or to some members of the groups referred to and on some occasions. But as they stand they are distorted and inaccurate statements. If we allow such exaggerated and generalised beliefs to influence our thinking, accepting them as globally true, we do ourselves a great disservice. We prejudice our ability to make rational and fair assessments of others and we invite a degree of heavy pessimism into our personal world. Such statements of doom and gloom imply that there is no possibility of positive change within the groupings mentioned and paint a sad picture of a very bad world.
If we allow ourselves to live in a world where we hear others regularly promulgating half-truths as absolute fact and we are not able or prepared to challenge the assertions, we place ourselves in danger of including this distorted thinking in our own belief system. If this happens, it is likely that we will lose the motivation to work for positive change both in our private lives and in the wider world. To combat this tendency, we need to take care to avoid listening to or using vague generalisations about other people and groups and to refrain from indulging in mind-reading of other people’s intentions and motives. Instead, we should first look for evidence to support whatever we intend to say.
Having faith in ourselves and in our potential for positive lifestyle change through the regular use of supportive self-talk and the continued commitment to reject lapses of negative thinking does not mean that we acquire an exaggerated and deceptive opinion of our ability to achieve new goals and skills. What it does mean is that we are more likely to take on carefully chosen goals – which are in line with our undoubted talents and levels of skills – and have a high likelihood of success in achieving them. Sometimes we might come to realise that a particular goal is outside our range of ability and we decide to discontinue working at it. That’s fine, as long as we do not allow ourselves to become depressed and negative because we have done so. Rather, we have learnt more about our probable potential and that itself can be a step forward in our project to make life better. This new realisation will lead us to later formulate a more appropriate goal which we will then tackle with renewed motivation.
Perhaps one of the most important facts we need to bear in mind is that we alone are responsible for the content of our thoughts. After all, thinking is something that we do: the thoughts are not somehow or other downloaded to our brain by some mysterious external process or by the statements or behaviour of other people. We choose the nature of our thoughts based on our belief and value systems. Because all thoughts lead to feelings and strongly influence our subsequent actions it means that by controlling the content of our thinking we are ultimately empowered to control our actions – and our lives. Thus the validity of the statement Change Your Thinking – Change Your Life becomes apparent.
The most effective way to control our unwanted thoughts is simply to replace the inappropriate thought with another thought which is positive, rational, supportive of a kind view of ourselves and tolerant of the actions of other people and events. This favourable thought will disperse any negative feelings which were occasioned by the original unwanted thought and will result in a more upbeat mood which – in turn – is likely to lead to more productive action. Of course, this thought stopping technique takes time and practice to become habitual and we need to be patient with ourselves until we reach that happy stage. At the same time, we can also use thought stopping when we challenge negative beliefs and replace these with more uplifting, less distorted and more rational ones.
Whether we use the Phoenix Self-Help Life Plan or some other personal method of working to change our lifestyle for the better, it is imperative that consistent effort is made to monitor the thoughts that make up our thinking patterns. Where thoughts and their underlying beliefs are deemed to be inappropriate, non-productive, unduly self-critical or simply negative it behoves us to challenge and change them. If we fail to do so, the energy of our resolve to achieve our chosen goals will be threatened.
Have a go at the Exercise which follows. It may help you in the task of thought stopping and support you in eradicating negativity from your belief and value systems.
EXERCISE
Look again at the Exercise which followed the chapter 6 on Happiness [see page 89]. If you did not work through the exercise it might be valuable to do so now before proceeding to the Exercise below.
[A] Examine the initial list of beliefs and values you listed in your notebook. Then look at the second list you drew up – after you had decided to modify or reject some of those in the first list. In view of what you have just read in this last chapter, ask yourself
[B] Try to visualise a typical day in your life. Think about the impact of your generally recurring thought patterns. Ask yourself:
Make appropriate notes on your findings if this is helpful.
[C] To help with the substitution of unproductive thoughts, try this mini exercise. Take five minutes two or three times a week when you won’t be disturbed and try to engage in positive self-talk. Before beginning, write out three or four complimentary self-statements [affirmations] written in the present tense. While in relaxed mode, repeat these self-statements to yourself over the short period of time. Do not allow your analytic self to challenge the veracity of what you are saying.
Sample statements might be:
[D] Download from the internet some free short guided meditations on affirmations and listen to them when you have quiet time for yourself. As before, do not question the accuracy of any of the statements but simply imagine them to be totally true. These positive self-statements will enter the subconscious mind and, in time and with sufficient repetition, will become the basis of a firmly held belief.
[You will find links to some free meditation resources in the self-improvement web sites listed in Appendix D as well as on the web sites accessible through www.changeyourlifein10weeks.co.uk ]