9. COMMUNICATION
This chapter on Communication is included as verbal interaction is, probably, the major life area that you need to get right if you are to relate well with others. Relating effectively with others is the essential basis for establishing, between the individuals involved, sound mutual respect, a spirit of co-operation and a willingness to exchange views and to work towards solutions when issues have to be resolved. Successful team work, whether in the home, at play or in the workplace, requires good interpersonal relationships among all participants.
Much of the interpersonal stress that individuals and couples experience can often be traced back to poor communication methods. If we are to minimise our stress levels it is advisable to look at and evaluate our personal modes of communication.
All of us, all our lives, are involved regularly in face-to- face verbal communication with others. How we interact and communicate with any individual will often depend on the role which that individual plays in our lives. Clearly, we will communicate differently, in both intensity and intimacy, with our partner or spouse than with the postman or supermarket checkout assistant. However, in all situations, certain characteristics will need to be present, in varying degrees, if our interactions are to be mutually pleasant and rewarding. These characteristics would include the following:
Communicating is not just about making statements to others but also involves listening and responding. Perhaps these latter areas are ones where many of us are somewhat inadequate in our communication skills. Instead of listening carefully to the entire statement of the speaker before responding, it is common for many people, once they get the gist of what they think is being said, to use this time to work out what they intend to say in reply. Often, this approach misses some vital ingredient in the speaker's statement: and, so, misunderstandings are born.
Misunderstandings can also arise when the listener interrupts the speaker, assuming they know what is going to be said. Some people may even try to finish the speaker's sentences for them. Either way, this is likely to upset the speaker's train of thought and to make him/her wonder whether the listener really wants to hear what he/she is trying to say.
Appropriate honesty is an important consideration in our verbal interactions with others. The level of honesty essential for successful communication will vary according to the person we are talking to and the role he or she plays in our lives. For example, if the new neighbour across the street greets you for the first time and asks How are you ? you are unlikely to provide the same answer to her as you would to your spouse if he were to ask you the same question. In the latter case, you would probably consider it appropriate to give a fuller “more honest” answer, maybe including reference to the aches and pains you are experiencing which have arisen since yesterday's first gym session. You might also tell your spouse or partner how, overall, you are feeling about yourself, including some of the things you might be fearful of or worrying about. You would expect it as likely that both of you would talk further about the details of what is on your mind. You would expect to be asked, and be willing to respond to , some probing questions as to why, today, you are feeling the way you do. This level of honesty with your partner is totally appropriate and normal within a close intimate relationship, but would be quite inappropriate and ill-advised when responding to the greeting from your new neighbour.
Indeed, if you were to provide the same full answers, or level of honesty, in response to your neighbour's How are you ? it might well be that your neighbour would make sure she didn't ask you the same question at the next casual over-the-fence meeting.
Appropriate honesty within a relationship needs to be distinguished from deception. You are not deceiving your new neighbour when you respond to her question in a limited way by answering Pretty well, thanks. However, you might be guilty of deception if you replied to your spouse or partner in the same fashion.
Tact and diplomacy are further important considerations when we communicate with others. For example, if your boss asks you How's the project going ? you might say I'm getting on top of it now . Yet, referring to the same project, you might, that evening, confide to your spouse This new project is driving me mad! It's making me hate my job. In another situation, your close friend, an avid rock and roll fan, might ask you how you like his new MP3. You might respond with It's not bad, but I don't really follow rock and roll . Inwardly, you might say What a horrible sound – it grates on my nerves.
When you employ this kind of tact and diplomacy you are not seeking to deceive the questioner, though, of course, you are not giving a fully truthful answer. The justification for it, however, lies in the fact that to provide the totally truthful answer might set in motion a series of consequences which you neither want or deserve. In the examples above, and if you responded with the total truth, your boss might enquire as to whether you might be advised to seek a new position elsewhere, or, in the case of your rock and roll friend, you might cause offence or place undue and unnecessary strain on your relationship. However, in both cases, the justification is only valid when the issues involved are peripheral or relatively unimportant to your relationship. So you might be aware that while your present project at work is testing your patience, it will be completed by the end of the month and you will then return to other regular projects which you generally enjoy. With your rock and roll friend, you may know that while he is deeply involved in that music genre and spends much of his free private time listening to it, he generally doesn't expect you to share the experience with him. It is also highly probable that there are other life areas where you both have common interests which you pursue together happily.
It has to be repeated, however, that there is at least one area where fuller honesty in communication is nearly always vital. This is in a close, intimate and life-sharing relationship. It is generally the case, within a sound relationship, that your spouse or partner wants to have a fairly detailed knowledge of what's going on in your life and in your head. They want to know and share about mutual feelings, fears, dreams and goals. They will expect full and honest answers to most of the questions they put to you. You will most likely expect the same from them. This is not to say that there is no room or opportunity for tact and diplomacy within an intimate relationship, but it is more likely that there will need to be a greater level of total truthfulness about matters which concern both parties. It is probably true to say that once a lack of appropriate honesty occurs within a close one-to-one relationship, then it is likely to increase and, eventually, it will seriously endanger the relationship's future. Perhaps more than anything else, working towards total truthfulness in sharing one's feelings about the relationship, in setting out what you see to be your needs and wants within it, stating how you want it to develop, talking about matters of sexuality, children's upbringing, finances, the roles of friends and in-laws, the sharing of chore roles: all of these frank discussions are essential if a fundamental and long-lasting trust is to be established and maintained between partners. Once trust in an intimate relationship is fractured or lost, communication becomes less effective, honesty less present and the relationship can be on the slippery slope to break-up.
In all face-to-face communications, the role of cordiality is important. By cordiality, I mean being pleasant in tone and facial expression, being free from irritation, being accurate in what you are saying, refraining from put-downs and being non-demanding. Cordiality bids us to keep our patience and to give the listener the right to accept or decline, or agree or disagree, with whatever we have chosen to ask or speak about. We are not being cordial if, deliberately, we misrepresent a person's point of view, their attitude to any issue or their history of behaviour in any life areas. The cordial communicator avoids the use of phrases such as You always.. , You make me... ,You never... using instead I statements such as I feel …..... when …....
Lack of cordiality in verbal interactions seems often to occur within family groups and between couples rather than in the workplace or with relative strangers. When this happens, it limits and strains the possibility of effective communications among those concerned.
Improving the quality of our communication with others is a life-long challenge. When we are stressed or unhappy about what life is handing out to us, there is a likelihood that our interactive skills with others will become less effective. Life pressures, such as perceived time shortage, having the sense of too many things to do or the demands of others, may cause us to try less to communicate well. As a result, those trying to interact with us may become less patient, less cordial and, perhaps, unfair and over demanding. Invariably, the result is further tension, misunderstandings and challenged relationships.
The Phoenix Self-Help Life Plan, through its Lifestyle Evaluation Questionnaire, highlights areas, in a person's life, where communication may be ineffective or even lacking. Nearly all life crises have some element of communication disorder contained within them. Working through the Phoenix Self-Help Plan will encourage and assist most readers to look at the quality of their verbal interactions with significant others. Improving communication can often become a worthwhile goal within the Plan.
It is important to note and remember that the quality and effectiveness of verbal interactions and communication tend to be reciprocal: that is, if we relate warmly and cordially with others they are most likely to respond to us in the same way. If we are aggressive, cold, or unfair in what we say to others and in how we communicate with them, their responses to us are likely to mirror our own.
Now work through the Exercise which follows
EXERCISE
Set aside at least half an hour when you can think about the quality of your own verbal interaction and communication skills with others. Equip yourself with a small notebook to make appropriate jottings.
Look at your communication skills in at least three of the following categories: home and family, spouse or partner, children, the workplace, close friends, general acquaintances, shopping places, strangers. Try to assess and measure how you ordinarily behave in each of your chosen categories against the characteristics for effective communication set out in the chapter. Indicate both your positive and negative habits.
Now look more closely at your communication skills within one of the categories selected. Choose the one which you regard as most important in your life at the moment. Assess it further in terms of appropriate honesty, tact and diplomacy, deception and cordiality [as defined above]. Make jottings as to where improvements are necessary or can be made.
Make an approach to at least two people who know you well and with whom you interact regularly. Ask them to advise you or to write down, as they see it, the pros and cons of your communication style. Invite them to make suggestions as to how you might modify your style so as to improve it further. Then compare the responses you obtain from the two individuals and note any similarities or differences.
Looking at your own analysis of your communication skills and the comments made by the two people who provided you with feedback, select an area where you want to work to improve your present skills. Write down precisely what it is you want to do differently and assess how and when you will be able to measure your level of improvement.
If you are working through the Phoenix Self-Help Plan a second time, perhaps you can make this one of your goals or targets.