10. SELF-ACCEPTANCE
While every participant in the Phoenix Self-Help Life Plan is looking to improve the quality of their lifestyles, no real long-term equilibrium or sense of personal peace will come to anyone unless and until they learn self-acceptance.
Self-acceptance implies awarding yourself unconditional respect and worth as a human being. It also means knowing yourself and accepting yourself for the person you are, together with your range of talents, shortcomings and potentials. This wide awareness is learnt only through careful self-examination and analysis. Apart from working personally to obtain this important self-knowledge, it will prove helpful to take note of other people's observations about you as well as to discuss, with wise friends and advisers, what they perceive as your personal strengths and limitations.
Such a self-searching exercise should not be undertaken in a highly defensive mood where you are inclined to largely deny or challenge how you really see yourself to be or what the honest opinions of trusted others indicate. The exercise requires a degree of personal humility linked to a kindly self-assessment. What self-acceptance requires is to achieve a realistic and informed view of who you really are, noting both the undoubted talents you possess and the life and skill areas where you may be somewhat lacking [compared to some other individuals] as well as discovering those areas where you can – if you wish – develop further.
Having secured valuable input from selected others, you need to mesh this with your own careful self-assessment. Yet you are not primarily in the business of comparing yourself to others or to making critical judgements as to the kind of person you seem to be. What you are striving to do is to lead yourself to a position where you accept that the self-sketch you have built up of yourself is a fairly accurate indicator of who and what you really are.
Then comes what is, perhaps, the harder part – and certainly the more important part – accepting this version of you as valid, totally OK and worthy of your and others' respect. However, remember, your self-acceptance of this version of you is not a static situation – it acknowledges also the things you can do to make changes and to become what you regard as a better person. It also notes things and changes which are probably outside your capacity to become or to accomplish. Self-acceptance does not exclude or limit you from efforts at self-improvement, for it does provide you with real clues as to where such improvement is likely to be worthwhile.
A vital understanding of self-acceptance is that you recognise that your worth and entitlement to respect is not based merely on your achievements or on how you think, but - as well – exists simply because you are and regardless of whether or not you choose to engage in self-development exercises. Most of us would agree to accord this basic reverence to most other human beings yet many of us seem to have difficulty in bestowing it on ourselves. As long as we link our sense of self-worth solely to what we think we should accomplish, or to what we consider others might expect of us, or to a set of rigid behavioural rules, inherited from a family, community or religious culture, which tell us how we ought to act, then we will, almost certainly, deny ourselves that essential peace of mind and self-respect that we unconditionally deserve and seek. Again, most of us need to be more generous with ourselves in making our self-judgements.
On the other hand, once we recognise and accept that we are basically OK, entitled to genuine respect from those around us, possess – like anybody does – limited talents and some skill deficits, have achieved some goals which we rate worthwhile, have made mistakes and miscalculations in the past for which we do not berate ourselves and do not feel impelled to continuously seek perfection in what we do, THEN we will most likely achieve a sense of pride in who we are, satisfaction at what we have done well and be encouraged to work at our future self-development because it will further enhance our lives and raise our self-esteem.
Moreover, with self-acceptance, our efforts at improving ourselves and our lifestyles will be built on a realistic awareness of our abilities, skills and limitations and will never be based on ill-considered dreams or negative self-judgements. We will cease to care over much for the opinions and criticisms of others, knowing that we have become our own person with a conscience and behavioural system created by our own thought out values and beliefs and which recognise our own rights as well as those of others.
In particular, true self-acceptance requires that we develop in being able to forgive ourselves for the life mistakes we have made and the unfriendly acts which, in the past, we have directed against others. We need to regard such previous happenings as present opportunities for learning and as indicators for future achievements. Self-acceptance requires us to work harder at loving and respecting ourselves, at refraining from unnecessary self-criticisms, while yet seeing ourselves – overall – as neither innately superior or inferior to others.
I have said above that self-acceptance is linked to a healthy self-esteem. When you possess high self-esteem it means that you have a sense of confidence and competence in facing the inevitable challenges and hardships that beset your life. It means you feel OK about who you are and how you look, that you like and respect yourself as a person and believe that most others will find you interesting and worth getting to know. High self-esteem also equips you to be assertive about your personal values and beliefs and encourages you to follow your aspirations and dreams for lifestyle improvement.
If you have not yet embraced self-acceptance then your self-esteem is likely to be low, bringing with it fears about your own abilities, a sense of inferiority to others, a degree of self-loathing and a generalised gloom and despondency about life in general. When such negative thinking patterns become fixed, it is highly unlikely that you will be able to apply yourself effectively to any plans for self-development.
I believe that there is also a link between self-acceptance and spirituality. True self-acceptance, it seems to me, implies an acknowledgement that ultimate control over life and death is somewhat outside your jurisdiction. While you may do every sensible thing to foster good health and longevity and to avoid accidents, your efforts are no guarantee of success. Serious illnesses and accidents do happen to some people in spite of their health enhancing and careful lifestyles. Nor had you any conscious choice in the matter of when and where you were born, your gender, the kind of parents provided, the culture which surrounded you in childhood or the level of material comfort available to you.
This general awareness of our own powerlessness and absence of birth choices can prompt questions like
Most people do not have full and personally satisfying answers to such questions. Spirituality is about our individual responses to these kinds of considerations. A spiritual person is someone who recognises and admits this lack of real power over life and death, who acknowledges the possible existence of some creative power or force greater than themselves, a person who has etched out and/or believes in a personal moral code which enshrines and defends a set of basic rights for all living creatures and who tries to live their life according to this behavioural code. Clearly, having a sense of spirituality is not necessarily dependent on membership of, or adherence to, an established religion or church. Of course, the traditional religions do tend to give very full answers to the kinds of metaphysical questions posed above, but you do not need to accept any of these answers to be a truly spiritual person.
It is hard to visualise true self-acceptance without some component of spirituality. If a sense of spirituality is lacking, there is likely to be a greater tendency to personal confusion and anxiety as to what life is all about. While the Phoenix Self-Help Life Plan does not specifically address the concepts of self-acceptance or spirituality as essential goals, it is highly recommended that participants in the Plan should give some consideration to these important aspects of their lives.
The essential concept of self-acceptance is eloquently enshrined in the well-known Serenity Prayer [by Reinhold Niebuhr] which has been adopted by Alcoholics Anonymous and other twelve step life improvement programs:
God, grant me the serenity
To accept the things I cannot change;
Courage to change the things I can;
And wisdom to know the difference.
The Exercise which follows may help you to establish higher levels of self-acceptance and spirituality in your present life.
EXERCISE
Read through Niebuhr's Serenity Prayer and try to assess how much its sentiments guide your life at present. Ignore the God inclusion if it does not fit into your personal philosophy. Concentrate on the Prayer's essential meaning. Make written notes of any life areas which come to mind where there is disparity between your lifestyle and the prayer.
Look into who you really are and what your public behaviour displays about your general views on life and the beliefs and values it reflects. Are these beliefs and values and the moral code you profess to hold really your own? Have influences such as culture, family, religion and friends largely predetermined these? Explore what you truly believe, value highly and consider as worthwhile moral guidelines. Ignore, for the moment, the should..., ought to..., must..., everybody expects...considerations. Now write down a summary of what you have worked out.
Look closely at yourself and your life: your overall situation, your talents and limited skill areas. What are the things in your life which cannot be changed? What are the things that can be changed? Which of the things which can be changed would you like to change? Would such changes fit in with your awareness of your potential? How would you feel if you decided not to make these changes? Make appropriate notes on your deliberations.
Decide what you can and need to do to achieve greater self-acceptance in your life. How can you translate these ideas into practical goals and targets? Could you implement any of these in the Phoenix Self-Help Life Plan if you work through it a further time? Keep written records of your findings.
Consider the matter of spirituality in your life. Make an assessment as to whether or not you need, or want, to work on this issue. If you do, how can you – in the longer term – proceed with this? In the shorter term, is there any action you can take to assist in developing your sense of spirituality? Check out the many resources on the Internet and elsewhere which might prove of assistance. Talk to a close friend or adviser about your thoughts on spirituality.