11. GRATITUDE
One commonly used analogy in self-help books to contrast the optimist with the pessimist is that of the half-filled glass. The optimist describes the glass as being half full while the pessimist says it is half empty. The optimist is held to have a more positive view of events while the pessimist sees the same events in a more negative way. Most of us would not disagree with the thrust of this argument. We can all probably recall occasions in our own lives when we have taken the pessimistic view of a situation knowing full well that there was a convincing case for being more optimistic about the matter's eventual outcome.
The purpose of this short chapter is to take this analogy a little further and to assert that most life situations for most people reflect a situation where the individual's glass is three quarters full. This is to say that in most scenarios of life difficulties there is more reason to be optimistic rather than pessimistic. It is, however, acknowledged that in rare cases of life threatening events this may not be true. However, it is probably true to assume that most of those reading these pages do not, at this moment, have to battle with grim catastrophic happenings in their lives. This is a reason for comfort and optimism because it means that most painful and chaotic lifestyle problems can be eased, perhaps even resolved. The one condition for lessening the pain and distress of any lifestyle problem is that we take action to solve it by working intelligently and creatively to do so. After all, this is one of the prime purposes of the Phoenix Self Help Life Plan. To return to our analogy, I would assert that in most situations the glass is three quarters full.
But what does this really mean? It means that, for most individuals most of their lives, there are more good things than bad things happening at any one point in time. It means that the problem areas of one's life can be seen and measured against the background of the many favourable ingredients of that lifestyle. In this way, a more realistic assessment of problem areas is possible and hope and determination to resolve matters is likely to flourish. However, when a problem area is perceived without taking note of the many good things still operating in that lifestyle then the person involved is more likely to experience anxiety and depression and to have great difficulty in believing that the matter can be contained or resolved.
In other words, our way of thinking can strongly influence how we see the problem area and effects greatly our capacity to work to remedy it. If we see the glass as three quarters full, we will be optimistic and resourceful. If we see the glass as three quarters empty, we will be pessimistic and fearful.
What has all this to do with gratitude? The argument advanced here is that if we can search out the many good attributes in our lifestyle at a time when we are experiencing problems, and be grateful for the presence of the good things, then it will become easier for us to see the true dimensions of the problems and to take appropriate steps to deal with them. The raw emotions sometimes experienced with life difficulties can blot out our awareness of the many positive things which remain in our lives. Seeking out and acknowledging the good happenings in life and expressing gratitude for their presence can be uplifting and can reassure us that the future can be made positive if we choose to work at bringing about the necessary change. In this context, gratitude is acknowledging and expressing thanks for the many good things that have happened and are happening in your life.
In the mysterious hand-out that is life, none of us are entitled to anything. We cannot demand to be born rich or intelligent, beautiful or musically gifted, charismatic or a great footballer. We are as likely to be born poor and with lower than average IQ, physically deformed, tone deaf, unimpressive in personality and with poor spatial skills. How we are is largely decided by the great lottery that is our birth. This is the source of most of our talents and limitations. Life's challenge is, probably, to use and develop our talents to the highest level, to get by with our limitations and to use all the skills we possess to develop where we want and however we can.
However, in reality, many of us get a fairly good deal at birth. We get at least average intelligence, reasonable health, fair looks, acceptable material surroundings, plus a collection of skills by means of which, ultimately, we can earn a living, enjoy warm relationships with others and carve out a pleasant lifestyle for ourselves. Of course, some are not so lucky.
If you are one of the many described above, and you probably are, then – right away – you have reason for being grateful for the many gifts accorded to you. If you doubt this, consider for a moment how things could be different. For example, you could have been born disabled or in a war torn country where medical supplies and treatment are unavailable. Your parents could have perished in air raids and there could be a general shortage of essential food. And so, on and on...
You may retort.. Yes, this is probably true. But what about those who are provided with the very best of what life can offer? These lucky ones are born into riches, are talented and physically beautiful, go to the best schools and universities and never seem to meet misfortune. If I compare myself to them, I have been dealt a rough deal! My response to this argument would be to acknowledge that there are probably a minority of individuals who fit into this category. I concede that their lives may be easier than yours or mine, but I ask: why compare my life with theirs? It seems more logical and fair to compare the lot that life has given me with that of the majority of souls. When this comparison is made, there is probably little doubt that your lot, and mine, is quite an acceptable inheritance. True, it may not match the comforts and opportunities of the rich and famous you talked about, but it is still rich in benefits, worthwhile challenges and has the potential for personal happiness. Remember, too, that the rich and famous – for all their inherited and sometimes hard won advantages – do not necessarily achieve a higher level of personal peace and contentment than you might achieve. Indeed, tales of celebrities abound with sad stories of their personal pain, unhappiness and even despair, in spite of being beautiful, rich and famous. For me, and I hope for you, it follows that being grateful for what life has provided, notwithstanding its shortcomings, is eminently sensible and emotionally uplifting.
Perhaps, too, a glance at history over the last few hundred years will convince the average reader that – in spite of all the difficulties that besiege the twenty-first century - our general material standards of living, the medical services available to us, our transport systems, our opportunities for personal career and advancement, our rights of political choice, our freedom to express our views and to improve our lifestyles: all of these are convincing reasons for being grateful for being alive at this time rather than in an earlier age. Would you, really, be willing to work and live in the way the majority in your community did one hundred and fifty years ago?
What do we gain from allowing gratitude a prominent place in our lives? It seems to me that it provides many benefits:
Another important aspect of gratitude is learning to thank others, family, friends and strangers, for the kindnesses and favours they bestow on us. Gratitude impels us to say Thank you more often, to call someone up to express appreciation for the time, services, and/or friendship they have provided. Gratitude also leads us to respect and practise the old-fashioned virtues of politeness and good manners. By dealing with others in this positive fashion, we cement and enhance the quality of our relationships and demonstrate our willingness and ability to participate successfully in group ventures, whether family, work or leisure related. Inevitably, the new warmth of relationships that we establish tends to increase our personal confidence, raises out level of self-esteem and motivates us to work to achieve those lifestyle changes that we regard as important.
Try working through the exercise below.
EXERCISE
Take some time to look closely at your current lifestyle. Try to analyse and assess it as an objective and friendly third party might do. Make lists of the positives and the advantages that your lifestyle offers. Use headings such as My surroundings, My material standards, My proven skills, Family and friends, Work and income, Leisure and hobbies, Current opportunities.
When you have completed your lists, ask a friend or family member to check them out for you and see if they can develop your lists further.
Now make lists of the negatives and the disadvantages in your lifestyle. Use headings like The things I lack, What's wrong with me as a person, Work problems, Family difficulties, Other relationship problems, Opportunities not available to me.
As before, ask a friend or family member to check these out for you and see if they can develop your lists further.
Now compare your lists of positives with your lists of negatives. Which is the longer list? Try to assess how they compare. If you were to give a numeral weighting to each item [ e.g. (in the first set of lists) big positive = 3, average positive = 2, minor positive = 1 and (in the second set of lists) big negative = 3, average negative = 2, minor negative = 1 ] how would the scores work out?
[My prediction here would be that – for most people - the positives would outscore the negatives]
Now return to your lists of negatives. Go through these and group them in the following four categories:
1. shortcomings and problems experienced at some stage in life by many people and either resolved or lived with
2. shortcomings and problems experienced at some stage in life by a minority of people and either resolved or lived with
3. shortcomings and problems experienced at some stage in life by a minority of people and life-threatening or never resolved
4. shortcomings and problems experienced at some stage in life by a small minority and which proved fatal.
Now look at the lists for each of the four categories above. Negatives in Category 1 make you little different from most other people. Those in Category 2 mean you are not alone in dealing with these kinds of difficulties. Negatives in Category 3 require some special thinking or, perhaps, third party advice. Category 4 matters probably require immediate professional help.
Now look again at your earlier lists of negatives and positives. Having examined and categorised the negatives, how do the lists now compare? [For most people, the positives will well outnumber the negatives: in other words, your glass is three-quarters full ].
Now plan action to deal with as many of the negatives as you can while expressing gratitude for the greater number of positives. Hopefully, the Phoenix Self-Help Life Plan set out in this book will assist you to do so. Good luck!