Chapter 1: Basics of Emotional Intelligence
Emotional intelligence is the ability to understand your emotions and have the functional capacity to control your feelings and change the way you react to any given set of emotions. Someone who is highly intelligent emotionally is generally even-keeled and does not fall victim to extreme emotional outbursts. This person is likely highly successful socially and professionally.
Studies show that higher levels of emotional intelligence correspond to more outstanding personal relationships and social interactions. As we know, these skills are the building blocks of everything else in life, including marriage, friendships, work relationships and overall success. Interestingly, some research finds that people with higher levels of emotional intelligence are more successful than people with a high IQ, but low emotional intelligence scores. This is likely because they are book smart but unable to effectively manage relationships well enough to put that information into practice. This is equivalent to knowing everything about your line of work, but nobody can stand you because you are abrasive and bad at communicating. Nothing can actually be done unless you have the connections to make it happen.
Everyone is born with an inherent need to connect with others. For some, this comes very easily, and they are in good connection with their feelings and empathise with others. For many more people, this is a learned skill, something that requires conscious effort to build over time.
Studies also show that emotional education in the form of classes and conscious effort to recognise and understand feelings will raise a low emotional intelligence score. Emotional intelligence comes with a great deal of time and practice. It is something that needs to be nurtured constantly, always learning more about yourself and growing your emotions. While it may be difficult to find a self-help class set up in your area, you can certainly work on enhancing your emotional intelligence on your own, knowing that there is such a thing.
Emotional intelligence is measured in some ways, but the most common method is with a Multifactorial Emotional Intelligence Scale (MEIS) test. In the past, tests like this that have measured reactions and emotional response given questions about themselves have been used to help diagnose mental disorders, depression, and anxiety, among other things. These written tests help a person focus in on and reflect on their own emotional health using guided questioning about all aspects of emotional intelligence. These are the ability to recognise emotions, to control emotions, to recognise emotion in others and to respond appropriately.
Most questions are not questions at all, but a statement and the person must answer with on a ‘true,' ‘sometimes true,' ‘not true’ scale. For example, the statement, “I find myself worrying about everything, big problems and small,” may be answered by agreeing or not agreeing about this specific personality trait.
As these questions are answered based on each person’s personality, there are no right and wrong answers. Instead, the answers can only be grouped to show common traits and problems. There is no one perfect, desirable personality, and every person has strengths and weaknesses. Perhaps one person is very sociable, with many friends, but is incapable of getting in touch with their emotions. This may lead them to be a people-pleaser, considering the needs and emotions of others ahead of their own.
On the contrary, a person considered antisocial and has only a few friends may be really good at understanding their own needs, but not of others. They prefer to be alone, as this is an emotionally stable place, but do not lack the empathy to connect well with others. Both people have their strengths and flaws. What any type of emotional intelligence testing can do is pinpoint some areas that may need attention. For example, the person who has a hard time connecting with others may need to learn and develop new social skills to enhance their social life.
Unfortunately, the results of some of this testing may seem like common sense. If you have ever done any amount of self-reflection, this test will probably not be able to tell you something you did not already know. Most likely, you have noticed areas of your life that need attention because they have given you problems. Therefore, it is not necessary to get any testing done to grow your emotional intelligence. More on how to recognise these things in the following chapter.
Learning to work with your emotions can have a huge impact on your life. From the standpoint of overall happiness, being in touch with your emotions can help you make decisions that point you in the right direction, instead of always circling back toward habits that only bring you sadness or anger. For example, your current thought process could be focused on monetary gain.
For most people, having enough money is an issue, and for all, it is something that certainly cannot be ignored. Financial security makes everyone feel more safe and happy, regardless of the fact that money itself cannot make us happy. However, chasing money instead of doing things that make you happy will ultimately lead to negative emotions.
In search of wealth, you may take jobs you do not like and schmooze with people you are uncomfortable with just to make a buck. Your decisions are driven solely by the bottom line, not on your emotional well-being. Instead, choosing a career path or job based on your overall happiness is a much better idea. Instead of circling the unhappy drain, you can lift yourself up and above your negative emotions and find out what truly makes you happy. When you choose to do a job that excites you and makes you feel accomplished, you will shine, and the money will follow.
Getting out of bad habits with familiar people is another area that lots of people need to work on. Most people can say that they have been in at least one bad relationship. This may have been with a friend, romantic partner or family member. Sticking with a relationship to simply keep up the status is faulty. Ignoring signs of manipulation, jealousy or greed for the sake of having someone in your life will lead to nothing but negative emotions in the future. When it comes to family it is important to not let go of that relationship, as it is possible to maintain your distance and not let go of the relationship. Setting boundaries will likely be difficult, but do your best to maintain civility.
Getting in touch with your inner self and determining what it is you need emotionally will save you much time in the future. There are billions of people on this planet, and there is a good chance that you will just not get along with all of them. Sticking to someone who makes you feel worthless, jealous or sad is just not worth the time. Take the time to understand what it is that you need out of a relationship. On the flip side, knowing that you may not be what another person is looking for can help you let go of a negative relationship.
If you know that both of you would be better off without each other, don’t be afraid to end a relationship. Being emotionally intelligent enough to understand this takes a serious amount of growth, and will still likely hurt to admit, but doing so can open doors to possibilities you did not even know existed.
Understanding yourself is one thing, but interpreting the emotions of another person can be even more difficult. It takes a great deal of time and energy to understand the emotions and needs of another person fully, but if you can begin to master these techniques, you will be unstoppable both in your personal and professional life.
Knowing people is really the cornerstone of any managerial position. It requires the ability to know what the company needs, and what your employees need. On any given day, each member of your team could be happy, upset or simply content with the way you operate things. Granted, you cannot make everybody happy, but if you can interpret the reactions your employees have to your decisions, it can help guide you going forward. For example, say you ask your team to stay late to help finish up a project for a very important client. This can go one of two ways: One, they will willingly agree, understanding how important the project is. Two, they begrudgingly stay, but voice concerns of needing to pick up their kids and how tired they feel.
While it is necessary to make executive decisions that may not always be popular, your next move can be based on the emotional feedback provided by the team. For example, if the team was gung-ho about staying, it shows that they are committed to you, that they are content with going the extra mile. It implies that you, as manager, are doing your job properly. While it may be a good idea to give some additional warning next time, running things this way will likely continue to work.
On the other hand, if your employees begrudgingly stayed, you can determine the next course of action based on their emotional response. They may not have said anything at all, but their body language says they do not think you appreciate their time or commitments outside of work. Ignoring this for the greater good of the company will have your employees hating you and your productivity slowing to a crawl. If you truly feel empathy for these people, offering an incentive, or simply asking if and when it would be appropriate to work late would go a long way to show that you are in touch with their needs.
It really is amazing how beneficial it can be to tap into your own emotional needs and understand the feelings of others. This can help you across all aspects of your life to make changes for the good. The following chapters will each be dedicated to a pillar of emotional intelligence, delving deeper into the science behind each, and giving specific examples of how to get in better touch with emotions and act upon them in appropriate ways. Your mind can be in control of your emotions if you teach it to be.