In this chapter, we examine the relationship between life purposes and happiness. We look at questions such as: Do you need a purpose in life to be happy? If you have a sense of purpose, does that purpose automatically make you happy? If you are a happy person, does this make everything you do seem more purposeful?
We Give Meaning and Purpose to Life
From a human perspective, without the individual, there is no purpose. Without the individual, there is no meaning to existence. Without the individual, the universe is a giant clockwork, ticking and turning through eternity. It is human minds and emotions that supply meaning and purpose to existence.
Am I saying, as do some philosophers, that life has no final purpose? Am I saying that a purpose is something that we invent to give us a reason for living? No, I am not saying that. Some purposes may exist independently of humans. However, I am looking at the question as a human. Therefore, everything I experience has relevance to me only from my human perspective.
The universe may exist for many purposes that have nothing to do with humans. However, I am concerned with my purposes. I must supply the thought and emotion to make something purposeful for me. There is no master list of purposes that I can choose from to decide what to do with my life.
If there are purposes that exist independently of humans, I do not know their source. However, I do know that my recognition and acceptance of something as being purposeful comes from my own thought and emotion.
Life Purposes
I will not try to identify the nature of anyone’s purpose in life. Everyone adopts his or her unique purpose. Finding and adopting a purpose is part of the journey through life. However, here are some ideas about life purposes, just to get us thinking about it.
Some Common Life Purposes and Sources of Purposes
Certain purposes in life are so pervasive that they seem natural to us. As I stressed earlier in the book, nearly everyone strives to be happy. As Aristotle said, happiness makes life worth living. The purpose of most of what people do is happiness. The Dalai Lama went even farther, when he said, “The purpose of your life is to be happy!”
Having a family and children is a major purpose for most people. Having children and raising a family may be equal to happiness as a purpose for many people.
The realization of yourself (self-realization, enlightenment, liberation, or nirvana) is a major purpose in life for many people. This purpose may have a human tone, such as realizing your potential as a human being. It can also have a religious tone, such as knowledge of and union with the Divine.
To stay alive is a major purpose for all of us. Interestingly, it may not be at the top of the list of life’s purposes. People often sacrifice their lives for causes, which gives those causes a higher purpose than life itself.
Most religions espouse purposes ordained by a Higher Power. For example, in Christianity the final purpose is salvation and heaven. In various branches of yoga, Hinduism, and Buddhism, liberation from the cycle of death and rebirth is the purpose of life.
An authority figure, such as a parent, mentor, or teacher, may impose a particular purpose. A parent, for example, may influence you in deciding that your purpose is to become a doctor. Sometimes this influence can turn into pressure. I have heard of parents disowning a child for failing to go to medical school.
The society in which you live offers a wide variety of culturally acceptable life purposes. Getting rich may be an important purpose in life in some societies. In other segments of society, a life purpose may be performing charitable work or defending the country through military service.
Are Some Purposes More Important Than Others?
People hold strong opinions about the values of their own purposes and the purposes of others. Some purposes may seem more important than others. The question of whether some purposes are more important than others may concern you. You might say, I have a purpose or a goal, but is it sufficiently worthy? Should I be looking for something else?
I do not believe that any purpose is inherently worthier than any other. We cannot know all ends. We cannot know the full outcomes of what we do in life. Neither can we know how our doings will eventually affect our lives, or how they will affect the lives of others, or even the final destiny of the world.
For example, suppose a woman named Putlibai had decided to become a nun instead of getting married, having children, and raising a family. She might have thought, “I will become a nun and devote myself to humanity rather than selfishly seeking my happiness as a wife and mother.” Had she done so, the person we came to know as Mahatma Gandhi may not have been born.
While his mother’s choice led to the birth of Mahatma Gandhi, what goals and purposes, large and small, led to his parents meeting and getting married? What about his grandparents and great-grandparents? Some had purposes we might say were worthy, and some we might say were insignificant. All of their purposes led to where we are now. Could they have imagined where their purposes and goals might lead? No, they could not have.
Because you may not be able to predict how your choices will affect your life, it makes little sense to spend time trying to judge the inherent value of your purposes. It is much better to think about whether they are ones that you can wholeheartedly adopt and pursue right now.
Adopting a Personal Purpose
To adopt a purpose means to make it your own. An authority figure may try to impose a particular purpose on you, but it is not your personal purpose until you adopt it. Also, society endorses many purposes. Not until you adopt a societal purpose as your own is it your purpose. Until you adopt a purpose, it remains an outside (extrinsic) purpose. You may follow the requirements of an extrinsic purpose, but it is not your personal (intrinsic) purpose.
John’s father, grandfather, and great-grandfather were all soldiers, whose highest purpose in life was service to their country. John became a soldier to please his father, but never adopted service to country as his motive for doing so. He joined only to please his father. After his father died, John resigned from the military and became a teacher. He adopted as his purpose the education of inner-city children.
Purpose and Happiness
The key question in this chapter is, how does possession of a purpose affect your happiness? Some people have major purposes and others do not. Does having or not having a purpose affect your power to be happy?
How Does Purpose Lead to Happiness?
If a purpose leads to happiness, or at least contributes to happiness, how does it do that? For one thing, purpose can promote happiness if it reduces the number of concerns on which you focus your attention. It can also lead to happiness when your purpose involves service to others, thus building empathy and feelings of unity with others.
A purpose reduces the number of matters in the world that may concern you. It narrows your focus of attention. If you narrow your focus, you can gain a better sense of control over your life, and can let yourself be happy.[67]
For example, my primary purposes in life are family, learning, writing, spiritual practice, teaching, and taking care of clients. I focus my attention and concern on these. If they are all going well, I find it easier to turn my attention to happiness. I am aware of what happens in the world, but except for presidential politics, which captures my attention for a few months every four years, I focus on my purposes. I do not allow the rest to disturb my happiness.
Purposes associated with providing a benefit to society can have an especially positive impact on happiness. Working for the benefit of others is the path of selfless action. In brief, acting selflessly weakens your attachment to your self-centered desires, and fosters empathy. As you free your attention from these desires, you may find it easier to shift your attention to the experience of unconditional happiness.
Having a larger purpose in life provides a smorgasbord of goals to meet in accomplishing that purpose. In The How of Happiness, the author points out that having goals provides distinct benefits that contribute to happiness:
• It provides structure in our lives (as I said earlier, it narrows the focus of our concerns),
• Gives us a sense of control in our lives,
• Increases self-esteem,
• Can provide a temporary jolt of happiness, following the fulfillment of a goal.
• Helps us to look past our troubles during times of great stress. (For Viktor Frankl, they provided a reason to go on living - and growing — inside a Nazi concentration camp.)
• Usually gets us out among people, which contributes to happiness.[68]
Does Purpose Always Lead to Happiness?
Many of us have one or more important purposes in life. Does having a purpose always lead to happiness? A purpose can contribute to happiness, but it does not guarantee happiness. We can all think of people whom we know or have heard of who had worthy purposes, but were not happy.
Must You Have a Purpose to Be Happy?
If you have no important purpose in your life, then there may be nothing to narrow the focus of your attention. Without this focus, every random event that comes your way may concern, excite, or worry you. You may bounce from one worry or wild enthusiasm to the next, with little control.
To have no focus may be a bit like endless grade school. For me, life through middle school was one new challenge after another. My family moved a lot, so it was new friends, new schools, new academics, and new teachers, all happening while I had to deal with changes in my body. There was no way to focus, and little that I could do to control my life. Sometimes I was happy, but my overall sense, as I remember it, was a feeling of little control.
Purpose Can Mean the Difference Between Life and Death
Not only can the experience of having a purpose contribute to happiness, it can mean the difference between life and death. In his seminal book, Man’s Search for Meaning,[69] Viktor Frankl talks about how a prisoner’s belief that his life had purpose and meaning could make the difference between living or dying in the Nazi death camps. Those holding on to a purpose for living could find the strength to go on living, despite the daily horrors of existence, while others gave up and died.
Few of us will have to test our strength of purpose in the way that Frankl did. However, having purposes and goals does contribute to happiness, and happier people are healthier and live longer. Therefore, while the effect of purpose on your life is unlikely to be as stark as it was for Jews in Nazi Germany (and elsewhere), it is no less real.
Happiness, Purpose, and Self-Centered Desires
In Chapter 3, I discussed the need to overcome self-centered needs and desires, and the wisdom of lessening your focus on conditional happiness to weaken its hold on your attention. When you are free of such control, you can turn your attention to experience lasting happiness. The question then arises: Can you have a strong purpose in life and still be happy? Is there some danger that such a purpose will dominate your attention, and prevent you from being happy?
As long as your happiness does not depend on achieving your purpose, and as long as self-centered desires are not behind the purpose, you can be happy. In other words, as long as your focus is not on conditional happiness and sense pleasures, you are free to find unconditional happiness.
If your purpose in life is to do something truly great and of benefit to humanity, you can be happy. However, you can be happy only if your happiness is not contingent on the achievement. If happiness does depend on accomplishment of something, and you succeed in doing it, you may experience happiness, but the happiness will of course be temporary. After a time, you will adapt to having met your goal, and your happiness will fade, and eventually vanish.
If you have not learned to be happy regardless of what you do or do not achieve, you have not yet learned to tap the Source of lasting happiness. Your happiness depends on accomplishment and is inherently transitory.
For example, if your purpose is to have and raise children, then you can be happy as long as your happiness does not depend on how your family life turns out. You can and should hold definite ideas and ideals about the way your children should be and the way family life should be. At the same time, you cannot find happiness if it depends on life turning out the way that you want it. Even if life turns out well, the best you will get is temporary, conditional happiness.
John and Mary were the ideal couple in high school. When they married, John fixed his mind on strong, tall sons who would excel in sports, as he had done. Within a year, Mary gave birth to a beautiful daughter, Maggie. Because of complications in the pregnancy, John’s wife could have no more children. John tried and tried to turn Maggie into a female version of himself, but she was not a competitive person, and preferred studying to sports. His repeated tries to make Maggie into a different person made them both unhappy. John and his entire family would have been much happier if his happiness did not depend on his dreams of reliving his glory days through his children.
Purposes and Goals of the Happy Person
A person who is happy right now can have great purposes and goals. Happiness does not reduce the motivation or will to meet goals. Where does the motivation come from if one has already gained the goal of happiness?
Contemplative Christian Bernadette Roberts says that when you find enlightenment, and lose all self-centered desire, what remains is compassion. And from that compassion comes the wish to help others.
After the Buddha found enlightenment and nirvana, he went on to teach for 45 years. People say that he gave up the bliss of nirvana out of great compassion for humankind’s suffering. During the rainy season, he stayed in the monastery with his disciples meditating and otherwise recharging his energy. The rest of the time, he was on the dusty roads, going from place to place, teaching his truth.
A person can be happy while still being dissatisfied with various problems in the world. The Buddha was happy even as he looked at suffering humanity. If you see life clearly, you know there is much that you can and should fix. However, you need not be unhappy with what is wrong. Your goal can be to fix or ameliorate what is wrong. You do not have to be unhappy as motivation to fix something.
Happy people can also have many purposes and goals unrelated to addressing what is wrong. Anyone who has long-term purposes or goals can be happy as long as the work it takes to meet their goals is absorbing and satisfying, and as long as happiness does not depend on these purposes or goals.
As I sit here writing this book, I am happy. I have been working on this book for around three years, and all of this time I have remained happy doing it. For me, writing is usually a flow experience (see Chapter 18, where I discuss flow), which is an innately happy experience. A good part of my motivation comes from the jolt of extra happiness that I get from writing.
I am not motivated to write this book from a place of dissatisfaction with the way life is. I am writing it because I love writing, I love learning, and I love solving complex questions. I am writing this book also because I think it will benefit others. I move closer to happiness as I try to help others. Even if I were not paid to write, I would still do it.
Comparing Purpose in Depressed and Happy People
In their book, On Grief and Grieving, Elisabeth Kübler-Ross and David Kessler describe depression as the fourth of the five stages of grief that eventually lead to acceptance of a loss. In depression, which is the exact opposite of the happiness we are seeking in this book, “the world becomes meaningless and overwhelming.” [70] They are saying that mood has a huge effect on whether an individual thinks an activity is purposeful or meaningless.
For a depressed person, little has meaning. Is the opposite true as well? Does a happy person find more meaning and purpose in everything he or she does? The authors do not address this point, but based on my experience I think that happiness does increase the sense of purpose in what you do.
In Dickens’ A Christmas Carol, we first meet Ebenezer Scrooge as a bitter old man whose attitude toward London’s poor is that they should “die and decrease the surplus population.” He was both greedy and grasping, but his lust for gold seemed more automatic than purposeful. Not long after, however, he was the happiest man in London, whose purpose in life had become to help Tiny Tim and the Cratchit family.
What changed? Not London and its wretched poor. Scrooge changed. His one night with the Spirits changed the entire way he looked at life. He found happiness, and out of this happiness he found purpose in becoming a benefactor to the poor. As Dickens said after Scrooge found happiness,
“He became as good a friend, as good a master, and as good a man, as the good old city knew, or any other good old city, town, or borough, in the good old world.”[71]
Purposes and Goals Driven by Despair
Sometimes people strive to achieve great goals because of the despair that they feel when they refuse to accept something that has happened. A writer may experience a tragic loss, and his refusal to accept the loss might result in a life of tortured but beautiful prose as he tries to work through his pain through writing.
In the film Immortal Beloved, there is a scene where Beethoven reflects on his Sonata No. 9 in A for Violin and Piano. He says his music has the power to show the audience the mental state of the composer. This particular piece, he explains, portrays the intense feelings of agitation of a man who could not reach his lover because his carriage was stuck in the mud.
Purposes and goals driven by despair may serve only to cause a person to wallow in the despair. On the other hand, if writing or some other form of art helps a person to work through the sadness, then perhaps such purposes can lead to eventual happiness.
Many of Us Are Looking for a Calling
Sometimes in life, what you do seems so purposeful and so fitting to your skills that you describe it as a calling. To have a calling means you are called or summoned to do something. The dictionary refers to a calling as a strong impulse or inclination to do a certain thing, follow a certain profession, or course of action. The term has strong religious overtones, sometimes implying a Divine source of the calling.
For example, a person may have a calling or vocation to enter the priesthood. Similarly, one may have a calling (not as conspicuously Divine, but Divine, nonetheless) to become a dancer or writer.
My calling has always been to learning and writing. I did not know this at first. At started my working career as a commercial artist. I had skill, but the work did not engage me fully. I went back to business school with the idea of working in advertising. There, I fell in love with math and accounting. Each new textbook was for me a wonderful mystery. I went on to become a CPA and consultant. I kept learning the whole time. Ten years into my new career, I started writing newsletters and small books for clients. Ten years after that, I published the first of my seven textbooks, and I began teaching. Unlike my work as an artist, my work in finance and writing has never stopped engaging me fully. Now, after writing professionally for 15 years, I am tackling this book on happiness, which is my biggest challenge so far.
Are all of us looking for a calling? Should we be looking for a calling? I think that we are all looking for something to engage us fully. It does not have to be a lifelong calling. Different purposes suit people at different times in their lives. Even those who have served for years as priests and nuns have left their callings for other professions, as well as domestic life.
Are You Here for a Reason?
You and I may be on Earth for a reason. We may be playing our assigned roles in a great plan. Some have a sense that they are here for a reason, while others do not think about it. I do not recall ever feeling I had a destiny or part to play in someone else’s game. If you think you are here for a reason but I do not, does this mean that you have a reason for being and I do not?
From what I know of his life, it seems Gandhi believed he had a calling to change the world. His mother gave birth to him, and so played a key role in the change that he brought. Does this mean that she had a calling as well? Before she had her child, did she know that she would be the mother of such a luminary? Perhaps not. Does it make a difference whether she knew? I do not think so.
You may be here as part of someone’s - or a collective’s — great plan, and you may not. There are many beliefs about this, but we cannot know with any certainty. Whether you know or feel that your life is part of a plan does not make a difference in whether it is true.
My advice is, do not stand around waiting for someone to hand you a “script” for the part you are to play in life. Take responsibility for adopting your own purpose. Even if you are part of someone’s plan for the human race, the choices you make for your life will probably be right.
Follow Your Passion
People commonly say, “To be happy and successful in life, follow your passion.” Joseph Campbell, a noted authority on the myths of humanity, famously says, “Follow your bliss.” [72] When my daughter went away to graduate school, anxious about what she should do, this was my exact advice to her.
To follow your passion (or bliss) is not necessarily the same as following or accepting your calling in life, but it can be. To follow your passion is to have an intensity of purpose that narrows your field of focus, organizes your life, and gives you a sense of both control and self-esteem. These effects of following your passion all contribute to happiness.
Happiness, Motivation, and Success
Some people worry that if they are too happy, they will not be “hungry” enough to succeed in life. A person might ask, “If I discover my power to be happy will I lose all interest in getting ahead in life?” The answer is a simple no. Studies have shown that happy people are more successful in life. Success does not always make you happy, but happiness can help make you successful.
Admittedly, people such as Vincent van Gogh and Edgar Allen Poe created great art in the depths of their despair. For most of us, though, unhappiness does not lead to great accomplishment; it just leads to a miserable and unsuccessful life.
Let us briefly examine the idea of “hunger” or misery as the great motivator. Here is a little story.
Joe Techy is in high school and has a huge crush on Debbi, a cheerleader. Joe is poor and has no chance with her. His unfulfilled desire for her makes him miserable. He believes that Debbi would make him happy. This belief motivates him to get into the best university, study hard, find a great job designing video games, start a company, get rich, and come back to get the girl.
Ten years later, Joe’s back in town, with loads of money from selling his company. He finds Debbi, who is, by happy happenstance, already twice divorced. Now better able to see his charm, Debbi consents to marry him and they’re happy for six months. Within a year, he cannot stand her and is miserable. In the divorce, absent a prenuptial agreement, Debbi takes half of his money. Joe is briefly happy to be rid of her, but is wondering how he is going to be happy now that the satisfaction he expected from her turned out to be a false hope.
Or, what if the story were to go like this?
Joe Techy is in high school and has a huge crush on Debbi, a cheerleader. Joe is poor and has no chance with her. Joe is a happy person, and though he longs for her, he eventually lets thoughts about her go. After high school, he gets into the best university, studies hard, gets a great job designing video games, starts a company, and gets rich. All of this time he remains happy and never thinks about Debbi again.
Think of yourself as Joe. Which story would you prefer to live?
Happy people do not just sit there being happy. They have goals. However, what they do may be quite a bit different from what other people do. Out of happiness - that loving cup that “runneth over” — often come great compassion and a desire to help others. In the end, much of our motivation in life comes from the good feelings we get from helping others. These may be family members, friends, customers, or complete strangers. It is a well-known fact of business that companies prosper when they and their employees genuinely want to help their customers.
Selfless Purpose
Some of those who have found lasting happiness report that desire to help others becomes their overwhelming purpose in life. Where previously there was mainly the motivation to gain personal freedom and happiness, now the purpose is to help others find the same. Out of true happiness comes the desire to help others.
There is a well-known story of four monks who came upon a walled city. They all climbed to the top of the wall and gazed in wonder upon what they saw. Finding what they had been seeking for all of their lives made them overjoyed. Three of the monks immediately began to climb down the wall into the city. The fourth, however, climbed back down the way he came. When his friend asked why he was doing this, he said he was going back to show other people the way to the city. Because of his great joy in seeing the city, the monk had compassion for all of humanity who were still stumbling in the dark.
Similarly, when the Buddha found nirvana, he sat basking in its glory for days. He could have just stayed there, experiencing the best feeling a human can have. Instead, he got up, walked down the road, and started teaching. He taught for 45 years. Even in his last days, when he was infirm and in pain, he kept going from town to town, teaching. He kept doing this until he could no longer rise. Out of his great joy came compassion that moved the world.
Life with No Purpose
Many people go through life without embracing a unique purpose. Few, however, have no purpose at all. Trying to find happiness, having a family and friends, working towards self-actualization, and even staying alive are all purposeful. However, we may sometimes characterize some people as having no purpose. For example, a father might say, “My son does not have a purpose in life. He keeps drifting from job to job.” Does such a person have no purpose?
Suppose a person wants to find happiness, but does not know how to do it. Few of us know how to find lasting happiness, but most can find their way to temporary happiness. Some, however, cannot find even momentary happiness. They keep looking and looking, but nothing does it.
In Chapter 2 we looked at how our minds seem to have specific rules for those conditions under which we let ourselves be happy. Everyone is different. Some people may have sets of conditions for happiness that are impossible to meet. There is a strong desire for happiness in everyone’s heart. If the mind has conditions for happiness that are impossible to meet, then a person can bounce from one activity to another, searching in vain for what will provide the happiness he or she seeks.
The inability to find even temporary happiness in any activity is sad, especially when lasting happiness is always there for the asking. If you cannot find a purpose, then the journey towards lasting happiness that I describe in this book may be a journey to that purpose.
As you begin to find happiness, you may also find purpose in your life, where previously there was none. Once your happiness does not depend on what you do, it is easier to find purposes in life. If you do not burden what you do with the impossible task of making you lastingly happy, it is easier to take satisfaction in everything