The practices of compassion and forgiveness, like selflessness and charity, moves you closer to happiness. They pull your focus away from your self-centered desires, and in so doing reduces the power of those desires to make you unhappy. Compassion for others is central to all spiritual practices. In Buddhism, compassion and wisdom are the most important virtues a person can have.
Compassion leads to the ability to forgive. When you have compassion for another person, you are filled with the desire to ease his or her pain. That desire gives you the grace to forgive.
Compassion
The Dalai Lama, one of Buddhism’s most influential spiritual leaders, says that compassion is the basis for human happiness. This lovely man probably knows as much about compassion as anyone living. In 1996, he gave an important lecture titled Compassion: The Basis for Human Happiness.[129]
His Holiness says in that lecture:
As long as we are human beings, and members of human society, we need human compassion. Without that, you cannot be happy.
He goes on to say that we have to develop compassion and affection for others, in order to have the happiness we want, and to have happy friends and family.
What Is Compassion?
Compassion is a deep sense of caring about others. Merriam-Webster defines it as the “sympathetic consciousness of others' distress, together with a desire to alleviate it.”
In his 1996 lecture, the Dalai Lama says that compassion has to be based on respect for others. It depends on realizing that others have the same right to happiness as do you.
In addition, he makes clear that your compassion should not be directed only to other people. It should be directed inward as well. He says, “If we do not love ourselves, how can we love others?” To have genuine love and compassion for others, it “should first be directed at oneself.”
He says that real compassion is unbiased. The closeness and caring of real compassion should be the same for enemies as for friends.
In some ways, it is harder to have compassion for friends and family than for strangers. What we regard as compassion for friends and family may be actually more like attachment than compassion. In addition, there is always personal history with people close to you. Often, many grievances need to be forgiven, and the inability to forgive gets in the way of compassion.
In Confucian philosophy, the character of a superior person is built around four virtues. The first of these is compassion, which in this philosophy is the ability to identify with the joys and troubles of others.[130]
Compassion is also the recognition that the self with which you identify is not different from the selves of other people. We are all connected on some fundamental level. As you begin to pay less attention to your own needs and more to the needs of others, you may see that your sense of separateness is an illusion.
The Practice of Compassion
The Dalai Lama says in his 1996 lecture that the Buddhist approach to practicing compassion is very simple. It is based on the belief that the lives of all sentient beings are as precious as our own. In Mahayana Buddhism, the ideal is the bodhisattva, whose compassion for humanity is so great that he or she has taken a vow not to enter nirvana “until the grass itself be enlightened.” One of the many titles given to the Buddha is “The Compassionate One.”
The compassionate choice of the bodhisattva is echoed by the contemplative, Bernadette Roberts. She says that charity or compassion is the hallmark of the egoless (unitive) state. The absence of a focus on the self “makes it a spontaneous, choiceless requirement.” She adds, “Charity or compassion is no longer something we practice; it is the deepest center of our being that arises automatically, spontaneously.” [131]
The practice of compassion is not limited to the religious community. The following well-known quote is from a letter written by Albert Einstein,.
A human being is part of the whole, called by us the “Universe,” a part limited in time and space. He experiences himself, his thoughts and feelings, as something separated from the rest - a kind of optical delusion of his consciousness. This delusion is a kind of prison for us, restricting us to our personal desires and to affection for a few persons nearest to us. Our task must be to free ourselves from this prison by widening our circle of compassion to embrace all living creatures and the whole of nature in its beauty.
Developing Compassion
Compassion develops naturally as you move your attention away from yourself and towards happiness. You can also work on compassion through meditation.
Compassion is frequently an object of meditation. Its power as an object of meditation comes from the fact that, as you focus on the feeling of compassion, you focus attention away from yourself. Whether you consider compassion for a specific person, for strangers, or for the world, your focus is outward and upward. As you pull the attention away from yourself, you may start to experience a tendency to abide in peace without having to worry about yourself.
Forgiveness
We live in a world where there is much to make us angry. If someone harms you, it is natural to feel pain and to react with anger. However, anger is an emotion that is harmful to everyone, especially the person who carries the anger. The harm that you inflict on yourself by feeling angry is perhaps greater than the hurt done to you by someone else. For one who strives for happiness, the only logical response to hurt from another is compassion and forgiveness.
The Buddha said that holding anger in your heart is like picking up a burning ember to throw at someone. You burn yourself before you hurt the other person.[132]
For someone in harmony with the laws of the universe (the dharma or the Tao), the natural reaction to a hurt received is probably going to be compassion. If someone harms you, rather than feeling angry, you may experience compassion for both you and the person who harmed you. It seems counterintuitive, but when you are in harmony, compassion for the other person seems like the only possible response.
Jesus said, “If someone slaps you on one cheek, turn to them the other also.” [133] I believe He was telling us that if we would become like Him, our only response to any unkindness would be compassion. As he hung on the cross, Jesus prayed, “Forgive them, Father, for they know not what they do.”[134] He seems to have had little concern for himself. Instead, out of his great compassion, He prayed that those who were murdering him be forgiven.
Forgiving Others
There is a lot of wisdom in Alexander Pope’s familiar saying, “To err is human; to forgive, divine.” When you turn your focus away from yourself and toward others, as you do when you forgive someone, you orient yourself towards the Source. Forgiveness then moves you closer to lasting happiness.
The psychological benefits of forgiveness are great. For a good discussion of forgiveness in this context, see Dr. Sonja Lyubomirsky’s The How of Happiness.
In forgiving someone, you practice both selflessness and compassion. As already discussed, selflessness and compassion weaken the focus on self and in so doing open the way to happiness. Forgiveness does the same thing.
Resentment and anger are among the emotions associated with the sense that things are not as you wish them to be. The resulting dissatisfaction can overwhelm all other feelings, destroying any chance of happiness.
If someone has hurt you badly enough that you continue to harbor resentment or anger toward that person, then the best thing you can do is forgive. The longer you carry the resentment or anger, the more damage you do to yourself, and the farther away you move from happiness.
The way that you go about forgiving does not seem to matter. You just need to remove all feelings of anger, resentment, and revenge that you may harbor against another. You may go to that person and forgive him or her, or you may silently forgive without confronting the person.
Of course, the one who harmed you may be devastated by feelings of guilt, remorse, and/or fear of reprisal. You practice compassion for that person if you express your forgiveness in person.
Forgiving Yourself
Forgiving yourself is as necessary as forgiving others — perhaps more so, since you’re likely to have a lot for which you need to forgive yourself. You may feel guilty or angry with yourself for what you have done. You may be horribly ashamed. These are feelings associated with wanting things to be different from the way they are, and, as we’ve seen, they lead to dissatisfaction with life.
Forgiving yourself is hard, but you have to do it. Remember, you make the world a better place by being happy. You benefit the world by being a happy person. Forgive yourself and be happy.