Chapter 4 – Continuing My Journey
When I started attending the recovery group, they were working through the SA White Book – the name given to the recovery manual developed by the Sexaholics Anonymous organization. In the book, there would often be a personal story shared by someone struggling with addiction to go along with the lesson for the week. One week, I read the story of a man who had started with an addiction to pornography much the same way I did. In the story, he progressed from soft porn to harder pornography, then eventually he committed adultery, lost his marriage, and went on to experience other negative consequences of his addiction (Sexaholics Anonymous, 1989, pp. 9-25). As I read his story, two things occurred to me. My first observation was that his addiction was progressive – meaning he went from soft porn to hardcore porn, then to breaking his marriage vows and committing adultery, et cetera. The second observation I made was that I was on the same path that this man had been on, and the next step of progression for me was adultery.
At that time I had already gone through a separation from my wife, and we were then attending marriage counseling in a sincere effort to save our marriage. We had two wonderful children and had invested over twelve years in our marriage. I was determined to do everything I could to salvage and repair the relationship with my wife. Yet, as I read that man’s story in the SA white book, I knew that unless I had a significant change soon, I would end up throwing it all away by committing adultery. I don’t know exactly how to describe it, but I knew that unless I continued to seek and receive the help of others in addressing my addiction, that I would be powerless to stop it on my own. I had failed too many times in the past when I had tried to kick the habit on my own, only to watch my addiction grow steadily worse. But now at least I had hope. In this group, and with these men to help me, I felt that at least I had a chance.
After this experience, I became even more serious about working my program consistently, albeit imperfectly. Then, an opportunity came to attend a sexual addiction clinic hosted by Eli Machen, who was then working with the Bethesda Clinic in Franklin, Tennessee. It was a three-day intensive hosted near where I lived at the time. Several men from our group were attending along with a few other men I had not met before. It would be another huge step forward for me and one for which I will forever be grateful.
In this secluded environment, I began to learn about my addiction at a whole new level. I learned about the chemicals the brain produces during sex or when thinking about sex, and how the pornography addict has developed a high tolerance for these drugs. This high tolerance and the continued need for more of these drugs to get the next ‘high’ makes the addict’s natural sex drive become something it was never intended to be. We delved into the past of our childhoods and discovered how significant life events helped guide us into a lifestyle where it was easier to choose to hide our true selves instead of being real. We learned about how this hidden life propelled us towards addiction as a means of securing the love we craved and needed for the ‘real’ us. I shared things that weekend that I had never shared with any other man before, and it brought healing to my soul. By the end of the weekend, I left with greater hope, more information about how to move forward in my journey, and some new and deeper friendships that would bless me for years to come.
One of the things that became apparent during my journey to this point was the fact that my addiction to pornography was, in reality, a drug addiction. I had become addicted to the powerful chemicals produced by the body that are involved in the human sexual experience, and my tolerance and felt need for those drugs had become artificially elevated due to my use of pornography. In order to get free, I would need to detox from those chemicals in the same way a heroin addict detoxed from their drug of choice.
One of the steps that were recommended in the group I was in was a temporary fast from all sexual activity. My wife and I discussed it and decided that we would take this step. We decided to take a 70 day fast from all sexual activity. To go from being a frequent user of pornography and having a sex-life with my wife, to nothing sexual for 70 days straight, was a difficult challenge. I could not have done it without the support of my wife and the men in my group. During this time, I began to detox.
Before the fast, the level of temptation that I felt to lust and look at pornography was tormenting, and I couldn’t imagine how I could continue living with that level of temptation. After the fast, I noticed that I didn’t feel tempted nearly as often as I did before. My brain had ‘reset’ to a place where the desire for sexual activity was now at a more normal level. My hope that I might one day live free from the torment of the addiction continued to grow.
I continued to attend the recovery group, enlist the help of accountability partners, and work my program. There were many ups and downs, many times I felt like giving up, but I persevered and gained more and more freedom from my addiction to pornography – one day at a time. I eventually became a certified Life Recovery group leader, led a recovery group, and mentored other men who were seeking to be free from addiction. While it hasn’t always been easy, this journey of recovery has definitely been worth it. In the next part of this book, I will share some of the lessons and insights I have gained during this journey that I hope will help and inspire you to get free from your own addiction, and/or help you support and understand a loved one in your life who is currently dealing with addiction.