Chapter 15 – Learning to Stop Controlling Behaviors
At its core, addiction is about manipulation and control. We addicts are trying to achieve a certain outcome that we believe is favorable, for whatever reason. The pornography addict wants to be loved, accepted, feel the rush of the feel-good chemicals that flood their brains when engaging in sexual activity. The addict in us wants to temporarily escape our current situation in life, possibly avoid dealing with troubling issues in our all-too-real-life relationships, all the while avoiding the possibility of rejection. We want to be the star of the show and accepted for who we are – and be totally in control of the whole process. Who wouldn’t want that?! Except for the price tag, which is when the servant becomes the master and our lives predictably begin to fall apart.
So we finally think we’ve had enough and join a good recovery group. We begin seeing some real progress in slaying the dragon and get some long term sobriety under our belts. Finally, we think to ourselves, at last, I’m free. But many of us aren’t fully free – at least not yet. The desire to manipulate and control is just too intricately intertwined with our very natures to be removed quite so easily. As we progress in recovery – and it may be years of sobriety later before we recognize it – we begin to see the telltale signs of the underlying addiction. The underlying addiction to control.
As I’ve stated before, I’ve been living sober from pornography, alcohol, and some other addictive behaviors for many years. I have even taught on recovery and led recovery groups where I’ve discussed this very topic – how addiction is really about control. But is wasn’t until almost two years ago that I came to discover that I was still addicted to control in a very real and destructive way.
My wife and I have always had our disagreements over finances, just as many couples do. Neither of us has felt completely satisfied with our joint financial lives, but we have muddled along in a sort of uneasy truce. A couple of years ago, I came to a point where I decided that enough was enough. I was determined that this time, we were going to get our financial house in order come hell or high water (that’s code for begin doing things my way once and for all). After many months of making what I thought were genuine and benevolent attempts to resolve our financial differences peacefully, we were still in a standoff. Then, I hatched what I thought was the perfect plan to force my wife’s hand and achieve the desired result. Of course, I wasn’t in a place where I could see how narrow-minded, controlling, and manipulative I was being, nor did I perceive how damaging my actions were going to be to the trust in our relationship.
My plan was simple. I would move all of the money out of our joint account into a new account which I alone controlled, thus forcing us to work together to come up with a financial plan that we both agreed to abide by. Many of you will no doubt immediately see that this was a recipe for destruction. I, on the other hand, thought it was sheer brilliance. You can imagine how my wife did not see it the same way.
After our initial confrontation concerning what I had done, I began to see the light. I won’t say I saw it from the same perspective of my wife or understood how controlling it had been right then, but I did get the point about how it was an ignorant and destructive move on my part. I immediately reversed the financial shenanigans, but the emotional destruction I caused is still in the process of being repaired to this day.
I share this real and painful story from my own life so that you will hear me when I say with all sincerity that just because you get free from your addiction to pornography doesn’t mean your work of recovery is complete. Your addiction to pornography didn’t begin in a vacuum. Pornography may be the most obviously destructive tool of choice in your life right now, but trust me, there are other areas of your life where the destructive underlying addiction to control is still at work. Your mission, should you choose to accept it, is to ferret them out and nail the coffin shut on the addiction to control in your life for good. This message will self-destruct in thirty seconds (sorry, just had to throw that in there).
Hopefully, you will choose to do this before you damage the significant relationships in your life any more than you already have – possibly beyond your ability to see them repaired in this life. The good news is that, with a stout heart and some support from your fellow travelers along the road to recovery, finding out where to begin is not that hard. If you will ask your wife/husband/significant other and/or your sponsor/best friend or business partner to tell you if they can see any controlling or manipulative behaviors in your life, you will likely have some good starting points. Your spouse, if they are not too terrified to tell you the truth, will likely be able to name several off the top of their head. However, if you use fear to control others (as is quite likely the case), you may have a harder time getting those closest to you to tell you the truth, and may even convince yourself that I am full of bull excrement and that you don’t have a controlling bone in your body. And yes, the wallflower who wouldn’t hurt a fly but would withhold physical affection from their mate when they don’t get their way is using fear to control someone else’s behavior just as much as the wife-beater. I won’t debate the fact that the wife-beater’s tactics are more heinous as they can lead to permanent physical harm and death, but they are both acts of fear-based manipulation and control.
If a word to the wise is indeed sufficient, then those who are open to hearing the truth have likely already gotten the point, so I won’t beat a dead horse. Remember, the truth is out there concerning your (and my) sneaky control-freak behaviors – if we have the temerity to seek it. In that vein, I offer the following book that I have found tremendously helpful in rooting out my addiction to control and gaining ground on the battlefield of my life in hopes of eventually raising the flag of victory over the dead body of this malevolent beast:
Miller, J. Keith (1997). Compelled to Control: Recovering Intimacy in Broken Relationships. Deerfield Beach, FL: Health Communications Inc.
I purchased my copy as an ebook via Amazon.com for Kindle, but the trade paper ISBN is 1-55874-461-4 for those so inclined. I wish you much success.