Chapter 7 Third Grade & Salvation
A hundred years from now it will not matter what my bank account was, the sort of house I lived in, or the kind of car I drove… but the world may be different because I was important in the life of a child.
-Forest E. Witcraft
My third grade teacher was Miss Carolyn St. Jean. She was a driving force in the person I am today. Truly, she didn’t have any idea how she would change the trajectory of my life. She was a 20-something teacher in her fourth year of teaching when I skipped into her classroom in 1977. I had hated school the year before. I was lost, confused, constantly searching, desperately wanting love, guidance, and some hugs. I found all that with Miss St. Jean. My home life was a mess, and without realizing it, I was searching for something better. Miss St. Jean was the most beautiful woman I had ever seen. She even smelled beautiful. Clean, fresh, and pretty. She was tall and thin. Her hair and eyes were dark brown and her cheekbones were high. She was graceful like a ballerina. She looked like a model. She had long, straight hair and wore a different colored headband to match each of her outfits.
Miss St. Jean was kind, loving, and ran a strict but warm classroom. I felt smart. I felt special. Every week if we had shown good behavior, she would let us choose an individually wrapped piece of hard candy from a jar on her desk. I recall the Brach’s butterscotch and red and white peppermint star brite candies best. Those were my favorites. I had the privilege every week of being offered a piece of candy from this special jar. Kimmie was in Kindergarten now, so I would ask Miss St. Jean if I could bring her a piece of candy. Every week she let me. She didn’t question if I was trying to take more for myself. She simply believed me. She believed in me. I blossomed in her classroom. I was proud that she trusted me and believed in me.
Kimmie missed a lot of school. Anxiety will do that do a kiddo. She was terrified to go to school. But I would bring her a hard candy as a reward when she did go. I looked forward to going to school because I loved being in Miss St. Jean’s classroom. I felt better about myself than I ever had. Things made sense in her class. It was organized and thoughtful and team-oriented. I wished the school year lasted longer so I could bask in the environment she created.
Feeling Worth It
I took a ballet class in third grade. I’m not sure how or why that happened, or if there was some special on the class fee, but I got enrolled in the class. Miss St. Jean cast me as the princess in the Nutcracker that year. I had never felt so wonderful in my entire life! It was like floating on a cloud the entire year. I was chosen as the PRINCESS! My mother had to buy me a dress for the occasion. We went to TJ Maxx, which was a really big deal. I knew it was financially difficult for my mother to buy the dress, but I wanted it–needed it. I didn’t want to disappoint Miss St. Jean. Did I mention I was the princess? Being in the Nutcracker was one of the single most special moments in my life.
In Miss St. Jean’s classroom I was smart, I was special, I was important, and I was worth it. She instilled such a massive amount of self-esteem in me, made me feel so good about myself, that in the future when life got much uglier I would think back to her and know there was someone who cared about me. Her lessons got me through the toughest times in my life. The reason I’ve always known I was worth it was because I was worth it to her.
A Change in the Air
When I was in third grade, my mother met The Monster. Although my life had been confusing and sad and lonely before, this is the year it got worse. Much worse. The divorce, the instability, feeling like my sister and I weren’t important were nothing compared to the storm that was brewing.
Becoming A Warrior Princess
Later in my life, I started doing quite a bit of public speaking. I used Ms. Carolyn St. Jean as an example of someone in my life who had a pivotal, monumental impact on me. I was blessed to find her again in the same school, still teaching third grade when I returned to Rhode Island in 2000 to tell Carolyn my story and thank her.
She didn’t remember me specifically, which was even better. She was just a teacher, running her classroom and leading by example. I flew to Rhode Island pregnant with five kids in tow. We spent the day in her class and brought things from Alaska where we were living. Then we were invited to her home for dinner and spent more time with her. Carolyn deserved to be told that she had made a difference to me and how monumental it was. I feel honored I was given that opportunity.
She taught me compassion, empathy, and the ability to make a huge impact by just reaching out and being yourself. There’s something to that theory that you can make a huge difference in somebody’s life without even knowing it. It’s exhilarating to know we can have such an enormous impact on someone else in passing. It’s comforting to know our behavior is being watched and emulated. She taught me so much more than math and reading. She taught me to strive to be a better person. To be more than I think I am. I can thank her over and over again, but it will never be enough. She gave me the gift of self worth.
I called Carolyn while writing this book. We talked for 20 minutes and caught up. She told me she was hoping I was in town to see her. I can’t describe how amazing that made me feel. Or how much I want to see her again. I emailed her the rough draft of this chapter, and she thought I was exaggerating. Absolutely not. I feel too inept to put into words how much I was helped by being in her third grade class. It impacted my entire life and who I am today. It made me think of how I’ve connected with people in a surprising way, especially when I didn’t think what I was doing was a big deal.
Triumph with Love
Without realizing it, I used visualization to work through the toughest times in life. I would think of Miss St. Jean. The way she smelled, her smile, how happy she would get teaching us, and how special I felt being around her. Now that she had shown me what it felt like to be worth it, I owned that feeling. Knowledge–what you have been taught–is something no one can take from you no matter how broken down you are. I clung to that knowledge–the feeling she inspired in me - and visualized her and her classroom when life was tough. If I had been worth it to her, I could be worth it to someone else. That became my goal. Not just to find people that made me feel worth it, but to make other people feel that way too.
LEARN AND GROW
• Use visualization in life to reach goals
• Remember a better time period to help motivate you
• Pay it forward so others can bask in the glow of feeling special