Chapter 17 Trinity College
When she transformed into a butterfly, the caterpillars spoke not of her beauty but of her weirdness.
They wanted her to change back into what she always had been. But she had wings.
-Dean Jackson
Financially my mother was doing better now that she and Denis were together and settled. I was able to get what I needed for college with her help. She cried a lot about me leaving. I found this behavior odd and overbearing. It just made me want to leave more. Kimmie was now entering her sophomore year of high school and in a safe home environment. I was ready to be on my own. I was starting college as a 17-year-old, but somehow I always felt older.
The summer went by fast and was fun. I went camping and spent time with friends. My goal was to get out on my own, so it’s a blur. Soon the car was packed, and Kimmie, my mother, and I were driving to Burlington, Trinity College, and the dorms.
Dorm life wasn’t something I was worried about since I had shared a bedroom with Kimmie throughout the years. I knew my roommate was from Maine. We were on the third and top floor of the dorm building. Stacy was my roommate for the entire year. She was taller than I was, very athletic, and had parents with money. We were opposites. We didn’t hit it off. I don’t know why, but we seemed to be two strong personalities that rubbed each other wrong. Freshman year of college is a transitional time for all of us. It’s the first time we’re on our own, and we are just starting to figure ourselves out.
College Life
Meeting people was easy at Trinity. The cafeteria and classes were great places to meet new people. Leslie, Amy, Kari, Laura, and I met each other pretty quickly and bonded fast. Laura and I became best friends. If anyone is more outgoing that I am, it’s Laura. She was also a singer and loved to get out and do things. Her father had a sailboat we would spend weekends on– which I loved. We went out dancing regularly and had a blast. Salt N Pepa’s “Push It” was a big hit back then, and we loved exhausting ourselves at the clubs for college students.
One of the girls I was friends with studied while listening to George Winston’s classical tape album December. I had always loved listening to the piano since my mother played so often. Amy and I would sit in her room and study, or she’d play the piano with her door open so we could all hear it.
Freshmen weren’t allowed to have vehicles on campus– not that I could ever afford a car. We got good at public transportation, walking, and carpooling with upperclassmen or friends living in the community.
There were other colleges in Burlington. Some of my friends from high school went to colleges like Saint Michael’s and UVM. Visiting friends and going to frat parties and get-togethers were another way to meet new people and have fun.
The Inevitable Freshman Fifteen
The cafeteria went off a point system. It went like this: the more you spent, the more points you earned. I was on a lower level of points, which meant I had less money, but it was still adequate. It meant learning to ration points throughout the month. Not only could we use the cafeteria for food, there were places in town that would deliver and take our point cards for payment. Pizza and sandwiches were common deliveries. With cash and the point card we could walk to the grocery store also. We all had hot plates and microwaves in our rooms, which made food accessible and easy, but not necessarily healthy.
Despite the fact that it seemed we all got exercise, most of us inevitably gained the “freshman fifteen.” After Christmas break, we started working out in the dorm gym to Jane Fonda’s Original Workout VHS tape. She was a workout icon, always in great shape, with great energy and tough workouts. She killed that workout and we got in shape because of that. Some of us started running a couple miles a few times a week to get in better shape.
A Memorable Visit, An ER Visit, and Therapy
Kimmie would come to visit me in the dorms on her school breaks. I loved having her there, although I worried it was boring for her. She liked getting away from home. She was starting to be a bit of a rebel in high school. One night someone shared blackberry wine coolers with her after I had gone to bed. She got raging drunk, and the next morning I held her hair while she threw up. I felt badly that she got drunk while she was with me, but also relieved she was there and safe. Several girls in college had their stomachs pumped or were diagnosed with alcohol poisoning. Between that and my father’s alcoholism, I had no interest in drinking. At least Kimmie got to try her hand at drinking in an environment where we were there for her. She vowed to never drink like that again and she never did.
I had migraines during this year. One was so bad that I needed to go to the emergency room. Stacy knew I was terrified of needles and had been since I was a little kid. Despite us not loving being roommates, she and a couple of my friends brought me to the ER. When they wanted to give me a shot, Stacy understood my fear overriding my pain and helped me through it. The shot hurt like hell and left a big, round bruise, but I felt better right away. I was grateful to have someone that watched out for me, and I felt the same way about Stacy.
I was able to go to some therapy sessions in college. They helped tremendously, but I hit a point when I knew my struggle was an internal battle. Things I couldn’t let go of, baggage of not feeling worth it except to a few people like my teacher from long ago, Ms. Carolyn St. Jean. I was trying to sort through my sexual baggage. The fact that I really enjoyed and wanted sex, but felt badly that I did since my introduction to sex was so dysfunctional. I felt as if I shouldn’t enjoy it or allow myself to enjoy it. As if my sexuality was a bad thing because of its origins. I’m thankful for the therapy I did go through because it was the foundation of my healing.
Discovering Some of My Passions
Based on our majors, we were given a counselor who was also the professor for our Freshman Seminar class. My major was Interpersonal Communications and Psychology. My seminar was entitled, “Hunger, Poverty and Homelessness.” I loved the class. For the seminar, I chose to work in a homeless shelter. There I taught birth control methods and options to low- to no-income families. I worked with Planned Parenthood and had a kit for demonstration purposes. I even showed how to place a condom on a banana. I could easily relate to people who were low-income and struggling. That’s where I came from–below poverty level. I knew personal struggles all too well. I’d survived my messed up childhood and a rape so far and was in college at 17. It felt good.
We took a Myers-Briggs Type Indicator test to find out what kind of personalities we had. I am an ENFJ which means I’m an extrovert who chooses to focus on the outer world. I prefer to interpret basic information and add meaning to it. When making decisions, I tend to look at the people involved and any special circumstances. When dealing with outside world I tend to like things to get decided instead of investigating new options. I enjoyed the information because I wanted to work on the things about myself that could be detriments and capitalize on my strengths. It also provided suggestions on careers that would be a good match for our personalities. My #1 suggestion was a pastor.
I also took a contemporary dance class that I was excited about because I had enjoyed dance class during my senior year. It ended up being more of an expressive dance class, and I didn’t like it. I missed the structure of my former class. When we performed for this class I ended up on an enormous swing hung from the gym rafters. That part was fun, but overall I discovered it wasn’t my thing.
The effective teaching class I took was amazing. I loved the stage already from singing, and this was one more creative outlet. The professor was an older man who was fun and upbeat. He was also in charge of music, so I was able to perform several times. We sang a compilation of solos based on our personalities and voice range. I felt in my comfort zone when singing, performing, or doing any kind of public speaking. It was what I enjoyed most.
I was in a work study program and worked in the office. A portion of the money went to my tuition and a portion was a check to me, so I had a little spending money. I was grateful for the opportunity to participate in the program.
Family, the Mormon Church and Dating
My cousin Mo and her husband Eric and their boys lived in Burlington, so I visited them often. The boys and I were pretty close. Their interests were different than mine. They liked gaming and were kind of geeky in an endearing way. A group of them hung out together, and I liked spending time with them. Mo did massage and was into a person’s energy and flushing out the negative emotions to allow positive energy to be present. I liked listening to her thoughts on this. She didn’t shave her armpits, wear deodorant, or makeup, which I thought was a little gross, but I liked spending time at their home. It felt calm and welcoming.
Church was much different in Burlington. Usually in the Mormon church, there is a singles ward for kids in college, but there wasn’t one available here. I went to the regular family sessions. I knew a family through a friend of mine that lived here, and they were supposed to pick me up on Sundays. They couldn’t always do that, so attending church was sporadic. For me as a new member that was hard. After my initial six discussions before joining the church, I had almost no contact with them. There were no follow up discussions, and I never had visiting teachers or home teachers. I sort of fell between the cracks of the church, so to speak. This isn’t meant as an excuse, more just the facts. I never drank coffee, alcohol, smoked cigarettes or did any drugs–all against the teachings of the church. I had had sex and that was my vice. I knew it was against the church, but all churches I had been exposed to discourage sex before marriage and still everyone was having sex. I took the rules of the Mormon church more as guidelines than law. I was also a mess after the rape and the other two people I had sex with. I had so many conflicting, unresolved feelings about sex.
I was angry about my sexual experiences–although my experience with Rob had been positive. I was in a “take prisoners” phase of self-destruction. When I’d meet someone new and begin dating them, I’d tell them I’d like to wait to have sex. I would tell them that I would lose respect for them if I was pressured into it. Each time sex was a somewhat expected part of the new relationship. So, I would cave in, have sex, and then resentment followed. I wanted someone to believe me and support how I felt. I also really enjoyed sex, and I can’t say I didn’t want it. It was a double edged sword–a lose, lose situation. I dated two people for a couple months, and then I just walked away. After one time having sex or a couple months of dating, I felt used and would break up. It isn’t as though I said nothing. I told them it just wasn’t working out. I could be justified because I stated what I wanted, and when it didn’t go my way, I could leave them. That doesn’t mean I had sex only one time, though. No. I wanted what I said I didn’t want. I had a high sex drive and I liked how sex felt, although I also knew I was missing something. I had never had an orgasm, so sex was something I craved and seemed like it never ended–it was never over. There was no conclusion, no release.
As the school year was coming to an end, Mo and Eric offered to have me live in their house for the summer. I continued to work in the homeless shelter, which I had come to find I was good at and enjoyed. Mo did a session of massage on me to help me let go of negative emotions which actually helped a lot. I cried and I thanked her. I felt the release of a lot of baggage I had been hanging on to.
Frank Makes a Big Entrance
My cousin had a friend we hung out with a lot. Frank was a nice guy and someone I often talked to. He knew a lot about my past, the rape, my sexual experiences, being in the Mormon church and still feeling lost. There was no sexual tension between us; he was just a friend who listened and I listened to him as well. He would hang out with me at the house where I had a futon on the floor of a room. While talking one day, he looked at me and said, “I can give you an orgasm.” I wasn’t sure how to respond to that. “Seriously, you don’t have to take all your clothes off. I’ll keep all my clothes on and we won’t have sex. I don’t want to have sex with you, I’m not trying to make you uncomfortable. I just know I can do it.” “OK”, I said. “I’m not sure how you’re planning on doing that, but I trust you.” He said, “It’s worth a shot to try at least. Then you’ll know what you’re missing out on. Maybe I can help make it make sense.”
He asked me to take off my shorts, but I was covered with a sheet. I kept my shirt on. He dove under the sheet and put his face between my legs. I’d never had oral sex, and I’d still only given it once. Up to this point, he talked to me. I wasn’t self-conscious of my body, but I know he was worried I’d be uncomfortable with him, so he chatted to let me know nothing would hurt. He let me know if I was uncomfortable he’d stop. Immediately I knew I liked oral sex. Holy shit, it was like nothing I had ever felt before. Warm, wet, slow, and direct. Since it clearly wasn’t his first time, he approached me like a pro. Within a couple of minutes I was lost in the sensation of his tongue on my clitoris, giving me sensations I never thought possible. A couple minutes later, I had my first orgasm. It hit me like a ton of bricks and washed over me in waves of ecstasy. I didn’t want it to ever end. It was the most amazing, satisfying, incredible feeling to cum in his mouth.
He sat up and watched me, waiting. “Holy shit!” I said, but that was all I could muster for a couple of minutes. “I had no idea, Frank. No clue. That’s what all the fuss is about. That’s the build up. Holy shit!” He smiled at me and asked if he could give me some advice. Of course. “Get to know your body,” he said. “If you don’t have yourself figured out, you can’t expect a man to figure you out. And choose better partners.” It was the single sweetest thing anyone had ever done for me. He wanted nothing in return, just to show me how it felt to orgasm. And his advice was sage. He was right and I knew it. I needed to figure my body out and choose better partners. I asked him where he learned to give oral sex so well. He told me he had a girlfriend and it was the only way she could orgasm, so he got good at it. He hugged me and things went on as normal.
A couple weeks later, Frank and I were out with all the boys. He ended up needing to go to the comic store where he worked to pick something up. It was after hours and everything was closed, so it was just a quick stop. When we got there we sat on the floor and talked and I asked him. “Can you do it again? Can you make me cum again? Is that horribly selfish to ask?” He laughed at me, told me it wasn’t selfish at all–he completely understood–and on the floor of the comic store after hours, with his expert mouth, I had my second orgasm. I was always worried about the number of men I had sex with. I wasn’t proud that I was now at seven. I wanted to reign myself in so the number didn’t continue to grow.
Change Is In The Air
One of the missionaries that I met my senior year in high school, right after I had joined the church, went home a couple months earlier. We had gotten to be good friends and wrote each other for the last several months of his mission. Now he was home in Pocatello, Idaho. He called me one day and asked why I didn’t come to Ricks College in Rexburg, Idaho, just down the road from where his parents lived. It was a Mormon college, so he thought maybe I’d have an easier time in the church if I went to a church-based college. Indeed. Why not. I had bought a car from my mother and Denis–a four door, brown Ford Escort that they sold me cheap. I could pack what I owned and move somewhere I’d never been before. I never felt quite at home in New England and I had never seen much of the country, so it seemed like a great idea. His parents said I could stay with them while I figured things out and, like most 18-year-olds on their own, it sounded like fun.
Becoming A Warrior Princess
Going away to college was such a life-changing experience for me. That’s why I’ve always wanted my kids to live in a dorm or an apartment with college roommates. So much growth can happen there as opposed to living at home. Most of us tend to spread our wings and make mistakes, but that’s part of the journey. During this year I learned so much that I’ve carried with me. One of the biggest lessons is that I am always in control of my sexuality, and it’s up to me to make the choices without blaming the other person. Frank told me if I didn’t know my own body, how could anyone else? He was correct, so I learned about my body. Not only did I learn more about it, I learned to be more comfortable with it.
Triumph with Love
I looked into and learned more about massage and I loved using it with my children when they were babies and in my relationship now. I’ve become an expert on my body, but not always at expressing my sexual needs. It’s a work in progress. Being confident and secure is great, but communication is key. I felt guilty for having a high sex drive for a long time,as if it were connected to being molested or raped. On the contrary, I learned that I love sex in spite of those things. I was able to work through the emotional baggage of my history to fully enjoy myself. There have always been stipulations about sex. The man is the stud, the woman is the slut. It takes time for women to process that it’s OK to be sexual. I’ve never understood women who don’t want to make love to their husbands any more than husbands who don’t want to make love to their wives. Women–you have a man who loves you and has committed himself to only you. Men–ditto! Sex is the dessert in the relationship. It’s one of the things that separates the relationship from others. It feels great, it’s intimate, and it’s a release. Have more dessert.
LEARN AND GROW
• Touch and massage can be healing and beautiful
• Sexuality is a wonderful part of who you are
• Take control and enjoy yourself. Have dessert!