Chapter 19 Finding A Family
You know you have made the right decision
when there is peace in your heart.
-Unknown
We drove to Sedona, Arizona filled with possibility, new love and hope. We were ecstatic on the drive, and I learned all about Kirk’s family. His mother’s parents lived at their house as they needed help now that they were older. His dad, Jim, was diabetic, so my fear of needles would be on high alert. Jim also wrote music and sang and played the piano. His mom, MaryAnn, worked at the Indian jewelry store, and they adopted four kids after only being able to have one biologically.
Home is Where the Heart Is
We pulled up to the house, walked up to the door, and Jim and MaryAnn opened it. They seemed so genuinely happy to meet me. MaryAnn gave me a big bear hug and told me she was glad I came. Then Jim hugged me too, and they welcomed me into their home. It took me quite a while to realize they were completely unedited around me. They really loved each other. MaryAnn always made jokes about kissing Jim or retreating to the bedroom, and Jim was shy to her. They had a relationship that was lovely to watch. MaryAnn’s parents were a riot. Grandpa was deaf and talked about how he wanted a beer, even though they were all Mormon and he hadn’t had one in 50 years. Grandma had dementia but still loved waiting on her husband at dinner time. They still kissed each other and held hands and played cards together and their deaf/dementia conversations made me laugh.
It was a one-story four-bedroom house. MaryAnn and Jim had a room, Grandma and Grandpa had a room, Kirk had a room, and I had a room. We now had to sneak around having sex more than at college. Secret meetings in a bathroom, on the washing machine in the garage, a hand slipped beneath a blanket while watching TV in my bedroom, going out for a drive in the hot Arizona sun and having sex in the back seat. We were crazy about each other. One time on a hike, there was a bridge ahead of us. Kirk told me if there was water under the bridge, he would marry me. When we got there it was bone dry ,and we laughed about it a lot.
At some point in the five to six months I lived with Kirk’s parents, his grandmother passed away. She had to go to the hospital a couple of times, but had a DNR and decided she was ready to go. She slipped silently away during the day in her own bed surrounded by people she loved. It was the first death I had witnessed. It was peaceful and serene and wonderful to be a part of. There was a lot of love in the home, and I appreciated being a part of it.
Changes on the Horizon
Kirk got a job where he worked before, at an auto shop with his best friend Tony. We spent a lot of time with Tony at his house, too. I got a job at a daycare and then got nanny jobs with two of the daycare kids on the side. Life was plugging along without plans to return to college, move out, or make any changes. That doesn’t last too long, though. Kirk and I wanted to move in with each other, but he didn’t want to tell his parents and disappoint them more than he already felt he had. We were going to church and keeping up appearances, but it wasn’t the type of life we were living. I was disappointed that we couldn’t just tell them our plans and do what we wanted, but I respected Kirk’s wishes.
MaryAnn and Jim had talked to Kirk about me. They wanted to know what his plans were. They said it wasn’t fair to just have me live there and string me along. He should either decide he wanted things to move forward or let me go. I didn’t realize the pressure he felt to do the right thing. He never communicated it with me. Ultimately, Kirk decided to join the Air Force. He wanted to settle down and have a career. He said he wanted to spend his life with me and wanted to be able to provide for us and the family he wanted to have. It was everything I had ever wanted to hear. He was processing his paperwork, getting his physical, and finding out the next steps in making this dream a reality.
One day we went to the jewelry store to pick up a ring of mine that had lost a stone. Kirk asked me which of the rings in a case I liked best. I pointed to a sapphire ring with a gold band. He had them take it out of the case to look at it, bought it, and handed it to me. He said he wanted to marry me. I was shocked. That definitely wasn’t how I had seen myself being proposed to. I thought he would choose a ring and surprise me with an actual bended- knee proposal on a hike or something. This felt a bit anticlimactic, but I was still thrilled. The ring was too big for my ring finger, so the guy at the jewelry store took it to have it resized. And we left.
Wedding Bells
I had lived in Arizona for a little over two months at this point,close to three. Kirk had a lot of friends from high school we went out with, but I never fit in. They were all players and liked drinking and dating many people. I didn’t really fit into the club. That night after we got the ring we went out with them. Kirk told them we were getting married. They pretended to be happy, but I knew they weren’t. Kirk seemed happy, though, really happy, and although the proposal was a little lackluster, the excitement was awesome. Kirk and I never drank, but that night I had my first Tequila Sunrise and he had a beer.
When we told MaryAnn and Jim about our engagement they were thrilled. They welcomed me into the family even more than they did already. They were so glad they were gaining another daughter. I loved feeling their love for me. We planned the wedding for June 23rd in Vermont. My mother was eager to start planning the wedding. We were getting married in my Grammy’s Baptist Church, and she was ready to help out with the plans, too. After all, it was her church. Kirk and I didn’t have much money, so I know my mother was happy to be able to contribute after all the lean years we lived through during my childhood. I went shopping for a wedding dress and found one for less than $500. Score!
We flew to Vermont a couple days before the wedding, got our license, had some pictures taken, and had a surprise wedding shower at my mother’s house. We were 19 and 22 and had known each other for nine months. No one seemed to notice how young we were, but I was on cloud nine to be marrying my best friend and having a life I had dreamed of for so long.
The morning of the wedding my mother pushed valium on me. I didn’t feel stressed, so I only took half. It didn’t seem to have any impact on me. My mother walked me down the aisle and we were married in the pouring rain. Kirk had Todd and I had Kimmie, Laura, and Kate there for me, with two of my male friends to fill in Kirk’s side of the wedding party. It made me sad that none of Kirk’s family came, only his friend Todd. During the ceremony, the pastor asked if there was anyone who objected and a huge clap of thunder sounded. Everyone, including us, broke out in laughter. We were taking photos inside and couldn’t go outside when someone at the reception hall called to let us know they were flooded and vacuuming as fast as possible. They said they’d call when they had the water under control, so we all had fun hanging out in the church until it was ready. We headed over.
Now Pronounced Husband and Wife
We had a nourishing meal, dancing, and a DJ at the reception. The floor was damp from all the rain and turned the edges of my dress brown, but it was a lot of fun. There were about 100 people in attendance. With the party still going strong, we left, and headed out. We had two hotel nights in Rutland for a honeymoon. At my bridal shower, I was given a beautiful cream-colored lingerie slip. I wore it during the honeymoon. We felt love and that newly-married euphoria. We were completely engrossed in each other. Throughout the day, we played miniature golf and hiked and just enjoyed being together like we always did. Kirk wanted to start a family right away, so after almost five years, I went off birth control to see what would happen. Kirk knew what the doctors had told me about never being able to conceive, so he figured we’d just wing it and see if we got pregnant.
Kirk would be leaving soon to serve in the Air Force, and we knew we wouldn’t have much notice. We were back in Arizona working and preparing for him to leave. We got a dog because Kirk didn’t want me completely alone while he was gone. Spade was a red Queensland-Heeler with some Dingo, the pound thought. He had black rings around his eyes, was about a year old, well-trained, protective of me, and sweet. We rented a little trailer in a park that was in the trees with a river running through them and where we could go trout fishing. MaryAnn and Jim bought us a bed. They were trying to decide between a microwave and a bed. MaryAnn said you couldn’t sleep in a microwave, and Jim said you couldn’t cook in a bed. MaryAnn said that you sure could, so the bed was decided. Our little place had a bedroom that just fit a queen-sized bed with the toilet about a foot away, a little living room/kitchen/ dining room combo, and an outside deck. I loved our little home and our little life.
Kirk’s sister Becky got married a few weeks later, and we were both in the wedding. Two weeks after that, Kirk flew off to basic training. We packed up our little house fast. We only lived there five weeks. I flew back to Vermont to live with my mother and Denis. Denis had purchased a restaurant, and I had a job managing it. Kirk couldn’t call often, but I loved it when he did. We wrote each other a few times a week. He wrote the sweetest, most romantic letters about starting a family with me, a drawing of us getting married with lightning and thunder. He talked about how if the Air Force was giving the guys saltpeter, it wasn’t working, because he wanted me all the time and he couldn’t wait to ravish me again for hours. I agreed. I couldn’t wait either.
Becoming A Warrior Princess
Living with MaryAnn and Jim was my first “normal” family experience. A couple that stayed together and loved each other. I sang several times with Jim, and he and I were very close. I have always loved MaryAnn, but Jim and I had a different and closer relationship. He was the Dad I had always wanted. He passed away in May 1999, and it was devastating. His diabetes had taken so much from him that I didn’t realize, even though I saw him fairly regularly. He had lost both of his legs at the knee and parts of his fingers. He also struggled with skin cancer from radiation when he was sick as a child. It was a tough battle, and he was always positive about it except once.
He was sitting on his bed checking his blood sugar. I was now immune to his needles. He sighed and said he knew what was coming and listed off all the things that diabetes caused. It wasn’t a matter of “if,” it was a matter of “when.” I listened, put my arm around him, hugged him, and told him I loved him. Eventually the disease did take him in the form of a heart attack. Wanting him alive was a selfish desire on my part. I only had 11 years with him, and I wanted so much more.
Kirk’s friend Tony and I remained best friends off and on for years. In 2002 we were especially close, and my sister was going through a rough divorce. When my son was born that year, I asked Kimmie to call Tony for me and tell him the news. Yes, I set them up. Yes, I hoped my sister whom I loved beyond words and my best friend of 13 years at that point would speak on the phone, fall madly in love, and live happily ever after. And that’s what happened. From that day on, they have been together–now for over 13 years. Sometimes fairy tales come true. Even if they’re a little more difficult to navigate than we imagined.
Triumph with Love
Family comes in all forms, and it isn’t limited to who you’re born to. Moving to Arizona gave me these amazing people whom I love beyond measure.
LEARN AND GROW
• Family is who you decide it should be
• Surround yourself with people that you love
• Cook in your bed