Have you ever heard the phrase "You are what you eat"? This catchy slogan from the fitness industry reminds us that how we "spend" our calories determines our health. Want to be fat?
Then eat lots of fat. Want to be healthy? Well, you get the idea.
When it comes to your marriage, I would say, "YOU ARE WHAT YOU DO." In other words, how you and your spouse SPEND YOUR TIME determines the strength of your marriage. Spend it together and
you'll feel connected. Do your own thing too often and you might sleep in the same bed, but you'll feel worlds apart.
At the beginning of your relationship, you probably had no trouble spending lots of time together doing just about anything. And, in fact, SHARING TIME was exactly what CREATED THE CLOSENESS between the two of you. But as the years went by, you probably took up separate interests, and began to spend more and more time apart.
Many couples are very good at coordinating compatible lives. He's got his schedule. She's got her schedule. Some couples sleep under one roof, but they lead COMPLETELY separate lives.
You can achieve compatibility like this (like you had with your college roommate), which is not a bad thing, but you won't have a good marriage. You might manage your family fine, but your
relationship will NOT be fulfilling. And you'll be lonely. You might not be alone, but you'll be lonely.
Our culture today promotes independence. We even have something called the "Me Generation." But a strong marriage requires a "Move from Me to We." Love requires SPENDING TIME TOGETHER and being involved in each others lives. It's not about
being independent; it's about being successfully INTER-dependent.
Do you remember when you used to visit each other at work? Meet each others family and friends? Help solve each others problems? Ask each others opinions? Learn about each others
interests? that's the ticket!
Of course, I know this doesn't sound appealing if your marriage is on the rocks. You may not feel like being together. But which comes first, a good marriage or involvement in each others
lives? Which is the cause and which is the effect? The answer is: involvement or inter-dependence is one of the primary ingredients for a successful marriage.
I'm listening to this and thinking, "How could he miss this opportunity?" Not the opportunity to decide what to buy, but the opportunity to connect with her, to get involved with her. She didn't care what they bought. She didn't want an
answer; she wanted company. She wanted his involvement.
Before I wrote this report, there's a couple I knew whose names are Don and Michelle (not their real names). Michelle
and Don agree that they've "grown apart" over the years. They used to do everything together. But then Michelle decided to open a shop downtown. And Don took up golf, which, like everything else he does well, has become an obsession.
Don and Michelle want to make their marriage work, but they don't share passions anymore and their living separate lives. Most people think that's the kiss of death for a marriage. IT'S
NOT. If you want to make your marriage work, you can USE EACH OTHERS PASSIONS to create a connection.
I advised Michelle to find a way to include herself in Don's golf game even though she wasn't interested in playing. Through our discussions, I discovered that Michelle hated golf because as a child her father never let her drive the golf cart when he played. So I asked her, "Michelle, how would you like to drive the golf cart now?" Michelle smiled and said, "I would love it." So now, every once in while, Michelle's partner works the store alone and Don gets his own personal golf cart driver.
And we did the same with Don. Don spends all week immersed in his business. The thought of him going into his wife's shop on the weekend and dealing with more business was nauseating. In
addition to golf, Don liked to spend his weekends using his hands fixing things around the house. Don is really a closet blue collar guy. So I turned to Michelle and I asked her, "Michelle, do you have handyman work at your shop?"
it's important to note that the reason this worked for Don and Michelle is NOT because Don got a driver and Michelle got a
handyman. Even if Don was a terrible handyman, this could have worked FOR THEIR MARRIAGE. It might have been bad for Michelle's business, but it would have been good for their marriage. They key is personal involvement not utility. It's not
about improving anything except your marriage.
You may or may not be able to relate the Don and Michelle's situation. Getting involved does not necessarily mean that
you have to do the activity together. It could mean that you watch the activity, plan for it, pack for it, budget for it, buy supplies for it, or research it in preparation for discussion.
How you get involved depends on you, your spouse, and the interest. There are endless possibilities. The goal is to GET INVOLVED in some way so your spouse's interest becomes part
of your life too.
As you get involved with your spouse's interests, be cautious about how you involve yourself. Don't show up unexpectedly at your spouse's weekly card game. Be intelligent and sensitive about it.
Then engage your spouse in discussion about the topic. Ask questions. Show your interest. Consider purchasing a thoughtful gift that relates to your spouse's interest. In time, explore with your spouse how you can get more involved. Be assertive, but make sure you involve yourself in ways that are agreeable to your spouse.
The chances are good that your spouse's interest doesn't interest you. If it did, you would probably already be involved. This exercise is challenging in that regard. It takes discipline. It's not an exercise in choosing compatibility;
it's an exercise in CHOOSING LOVE. Your interest in your spouse's interest is irrelevant. Your interest in your marriage is the key.
Consider a father whose son developed a passion for baseball. One summer he took his son to see every major league team play one game. Their travels took the entire summer and cost a lot of
money, but it did wonders for their relationship.
So what are you waiting for? Are you waiting for your spouse to make the first move? Are you waiting for your spouse to be more open to it? Are you waiting to feel love?
Most people think that the FEELING of love comes BEFORE we express love. And in the beginning of a relationship, that's what happens. You fall in love and THEN you do acts of love. Your feelings inspire your actions. But mature love asks more of you. To create a strong LASTING marriage, you first CHOOSE LOVING ACTIONS... Your feelings will follow.
After all, you don't jog two miles or skip dessert because you feel healthy. You feel healthy because you jogged two miles and skipped dessert. So; when it comes to your marriage,
YOUR ACTIONS CREATE YOUR FEELINGS!
Once upon a time, when you fell in love, it was easy to give to your spouse, and you probably enjoyed thinking up new ways to express how you felt through your giving. Remember surprising
your spouse with something you knew they wanted? Remember the thoughtful trinket you got?
WITHIN THE NEXT 72 HOURS, give your spouse a gift. Now here's the key. It can't be just any gift. Your spouse has to feel YOU in it. You see, the most important part of a present is that it
embodies the presence of the one who gave it to you. This is not a matter of money. This takes time, thought, and energy.
What gift would tickle the soul of your spouse? What could you buy or make for your spouse that would show how much of YOU went into the gift? Don't just buy anything. Make sure it's your
spouse's favorite color, made in their hometown, or something they mentioned last week.
Stick with this for a minute; This takes some deep thought, but I promise that if you make a habit of this kind of giving it
will TRANSFORM YOUR MARRIAGE.
What could you give your spouse that would make them glow and look at you with intense appreciation? Did they recently mention they wanted something? What's your spouse's favorite
dessert? Favorite flower? Favorite sports team (tickets to a game)? Favorite author (new book)? Favorite musician (CD or tickets)?
Inside your spouse is a child that wants to be understood. If your spouse is like most people, he/she does NOT feel understood even by you. When you get the right gift for your spouse, they will feel UNDERSTOOD, and connected to you, the giver. When you give someone a gift that says, "I know you, I understand you," you can "melt" them.
Did you ever hear the Paul Simon song, "50 Ways to Leave Your Lover"? It's a humorous song about a not-so-funny subject (the break-up of Simons marriage). I don't want you to hop on a bus or drop off your keys, but the song does make a good point about how to succeed in marriage.
See, the song's ultimate point is that once you make up your mind to do something, action is sure to follow. Whether you decide to leave or love, it's the decision that's most important. Once the decision is in your head, there are 50 ways you could do either.
You want to save your marriage, right? Good; you know WHAT you want. The only question left is HOW. HOW will you restore your marriage? Everyone WANTS to renew their marriage. But very few
people have a clue how to go about it.
Let's be clear about one thing first. It happens through ACTIONS. You’ll never be able to blab your way out of a situation you behaved yourself into. You must act.
Okay, but what actions? Within the next 48 hours, I want you to try a Talk Charge and a Touch Charge.A Talk Charge is a 60 second positive verbal interaction with your spouse about a NON-LOGISTICAL matter. It's a fun or frivolous chat. And you do NOT need your spouse’s cooperation. If necessary, you talk, they listen. A voice mail can even work.
A Touch Charge is similar, but it uses touch instead of talk. A Touch Charge is a loving physical gesture with your spouse. It's not foreplay or an advance for love making; it's just
a warm touch for the sake of connecting in that moment. (If you’re separated or your spouse is resistant to your touch, the solution to this problem is discussed at my blog "Save A Marriage or Relationship from Catastrophe" and Ask TW-"Dub" Jackson.
I had private sessions with Windy (not her real name). In one of our sessions, I noticed that Windy was resistant to incorporating Touch Charges and Talk Charges into her relationship with her husband. She kept trying to change the subject. She said she wanted to discuss "bigger" matters. I couldn't imagine why she was so hesitant to do these 2 SIMPLE things. Finally, I challenged Windy and said, "Windy, what's the
problem. This is marriage renewal 101."
Eventually, Windy told me why she didn't want to talk about Touch Charges and Talk Charges. "My marriage is horrible." Windy said. "I need a BIG solution. I just don't think talking and touching is going to make a difference."
Windy expressed a common thought, but she couldn't be more WRONG.You can't turn your marriage around with one Herculean event. There's no gift you can give, favor you can do, or letter you can write. When your marriage is on the rocks, it's common to
want to "microwave" it better. But you can't. There's no quick fix. There’s no one thing you can do or say that will turn things around. It took you years to get into this mess; it's going to take time for you to get out of it. And what's
the way out? Listen carefully.
Failed marriages eventually succeed because at least one spouse commits to doing SMALL THINGS in great ways over an extended
period of time.
Do you want REAL change in your marriage? Then establish the RIGHT HABITS and do them CONSISTENTLY. Talk and touch everyday, - here's another example for you.
I promised Windy that if she would talk and touch REGULARLY, she would see a dramatic difference in her marriage. I promised Windy that if I was wrong, I would personally counsel them both for free of charge. Windy agreed to try.
The Great "OG Mandino" says; "Take great comfort in knowing that ALL great feats are accomplished one small step at a time." TAKE THE SMALL STEPS! They make a BIG difference.
do you remember when you used to just talk? Not about who's going to pick up the kids, make the dinner, or pay the bill...I mean just talk for the sake of talking. If you're like
most couples, you need to start talking again. Tell your spouse about your dreams. Share your fears. Tell a joke. Talk about the interesting person you met today or the experience you had
jogging in the park.
In the morning before you part for the day, share something with your spouse. In the middle of day, call your spouse for a Talk Charge. You don't have to be all sweetsie if you don't want to. But make sure you don't discuss anything logistical.
And don't fight! Just talk.
You and/or your spouse probably feel you don't get enough attention from each other. As discussed, it could be that you need to talk more. But you also probably need to touch more.
REACH OUT AND TOUCH YOUR SPOUSE TODAY. Try a warm kiss or a gentle rub. Stroke their cheek or playwith their feet. It only takes a moment, but the positive energy can carry you through an entire evening.