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Rereading the explanation of the dream, I now know what the shield reminded me of: a radiator!
Nov. 22, 1998 (Computer Journal)
Breathing — Last Wednesday’s session
I was having trouble breathing when I left the clinic. My teeth were clenched together so tight I thought I could compete with any dog for bite pressure. I wondered, if it could be measured, what the pressure gauge would read. I also felt I would start trembling all over and not be able to stop.
I have read Chapter 4 of Donald Epstein’s The Twelve Stages of Healing three times. The book amazes me. The stories are incredible, even in light of my own experience at the clinic. Stage Four is what I went through when Jos. moved back to Drummondville, and it would seem I did it all:
i.
I got out of the relationship.
ii. I got a new job.
iii. I moved.
iv. I tried dieting.
v. I stayed away from any intimate relationship.
vi. I went through menopause, ‘the change of life.’
vii. I patted myself on the back for being so good.
viii. I felt I was stuck in a place I did not like and went looking for Hell.
Not necessarily in that order.
I must now be in Stage Five, which I read last night. What a scary place to be — no wonder I am afraid of what this will do to me. I don’t think what happened in the clinic, that Wednesday I cried so much, is what Epstein calls merging. I shudder to think of what will happen when I do.
I have tried some breathing exercises, and something is going on.
As I hold my hand on my chest (where the heart is) and breathe fairly easily, at times I seem to pause between breathing, and sometimes there are ‘soubresauts.’ Again I could not think of the English word and had to go looking in my French/English dictionary. It reads: ‘(sub-rcso) sudden start, jerk; palpitation, jump (of the heart).’
I have lost my appetite, which is not a bad thing. I feel my stomach all the time now. I feel I have rocks in it. At least one big one that is taking up all the space. There seems to be no room for food.
I can feel the hunger at times, but after a bite or two I can’t seem to be able to swallow any more food. I suppose it is hard to eat through clenched teeth.
Nov. 23, 1998 (NSA journal entry after adjustment) Today I felt…I had a headache all day. I cried in the car on my way to work this morning. After work, I started feeling bad as soon as I got in the car to come here.
Nov. 25, 1998 (NSA journal entry after adjustment) Today I felt…The stress has moved it seems, from my lower back to my upper back. There was pain ‘down there’ for the first time.
Nov. 26, 1998 (Dialogue)