Anger has been building all day today and I guess the best thing to do is simply write how I feel.
YOU HAVE GOT TO STOP ASKING ME HOW I FEEL!
YOU HAVE GOT TO STOP ASKING ME DO I WANT TO
SHARE!
I feel awful. I feel pain. I hurt. It is always the same when I do the breathing exercises. So stop asking!
No I don’t want to share how I feel. BECAUSE I CANNOT
EXPLAIN WHAT IS GOING ON!
Little Micha in our dialogue (Bradshaw exercises) says she was sexually abused by her grandfather. I don’t think she was more than four years old. I am not a freak show and I am not about to tell anyone
— complete strangers — about this. It’s bad enough I find I have to tell you just so you’ll leave me alone when we are in a group.
I do not remember. I have no recollection of what Micha describes.
It is completely foreign to me and when she writes (lefthanded) I am completely detached and there is no emotion. I feel emotion during an adjustment or during the breathing — that’s it. But the emotion that I feel is extreme sadness, to the point of pain.
I CANNOT DESCRIBE — I CANNOT SHARE — I CANNOT — I CANNOT.
I would like to turn back and start the month of October all over again and never come to your centre, but it is now too late. I cannot go back. Damn!
I keep thinking this cannot be, and maybe I am just making it all up. I have such an imagination. Maybe all there is in the pit of my stomach is gas. If there is anything at all stored in there, it is a scream, one long guttural scream. I cannot, will not, give people whom I do
not know, no matter how nice they are, the satisfaction or the opportunity to gloat or to feel pity. But I feel trapped.
Help me. Please.
NOW PLEASE GIVE ME THIS PAPER BACK SO THAT I CAN DESTROY IT. THANK YOU.