Why, then, do I go back? Proper Michelle does not like thrashing on the table. Proper Michelle is way too proper. I would never have thought I was so prissy.
I don’t want to remember
And so I didn’t.
Hell did not push any further. I have wasted the chance that was given to me. I was unable to seize the moment. I am a coward. When Hell stopped the breathing exercises after I said I didn’t want to remember, but before the shaking began, there was a kind of movement of my self. Might be better to say my consciousness, racing forward to catch up to my present self. I do not recall moving in the opposite direction. But I can recognize that, if I am making all this up, why did I experience that? I did mention to Hell at some time that I had wished I had an adventure in consciousness. He said be careful what you pray for. It’s just that I had expected an adventure in consciousness to be rather fun, not terrifying. Besides, I have always
thought of myself as the courageous type. Now I discover I am actually a coward.
Last summer I was in search of an adventure. I told a friend that I wished I could meet a teacher who would teach me things and I would think: “Wow! Wow! How marvellous! How incredible! How wonderful!” I wanted to learn new things. After reading so much about consciousness in the Seth books I wanted to experience the adventure for myself. I wanted to find JOY.
What is most magical about this whole adventure, and an adventure it is, is the fact that even though I was too much of a coward to go through the black, and after the trembling, I felt I had been given a bit of magic. I felt giddy. I felt like giggling. I felt loved. I felt good.
I felt I had discovered a secret door. Whether I will get the chance to go back to that door and finally have the courage to open it is still debatable, but at least I was given that chance.
Wednesday I was as tired as if I’d run a ten-mile marathon, yet I felt good about myself; something I do not experience very often.
I went to bed at 8:00 p.m. and slept without waking up until 11:30
a.m. That is how tired I was. But this was not a mental tiredness. It was a physical tiredness.
I should be terribly upset with myself for being such a coward, yet I am not. The psyche is a very strange animal, to say the least.
When I came upstairs, I realized that Dorothy had been freed by Scarecrow, Tin Man and Lion. There they were, all three of them in the kitchen. But now Dorothy has to kill the witch. Dorothy cannot flee. She has to turn and face the witch, and she has to kill her.
Mar. 7, 1999 (Computer Journal)