Me: Micha, are you calling me? My arm hurts. I think it is coming from you. I think of you often. Do you wish to speak to me? Say something? Talk to me? I’ll let you write.
Micha: Yes, I want you to remember.
Me: I can’t manage it. What do you want me to do?
Micha: Let me speak. I am telling you the truth. You must stop thinking that it is all a lie. Don’t you trust me? Don’t you think that I want only what is good for you? The pain is there, even if you ignore it. Your arm hurts because you refuse to believe the memories. Your arm hurts because it is a memory. The first time, he practically broke your arm, to scare you into silence. He said he would break your arm and would do worse if you cried or screamed.
Me: How can you expect me to believe such a story?
Micha: I am telling you the truth. You can believe me or not, it will not change anything. You’re not feeling very well, are you? You’re nauseous. Do you think you would feel this way if it was a lie?
Me: I am not feeling very well, that’s true. But how can you tell that it’s what you’re saying that is making me feel this way?
Micha: You really go to extremes to deny that experience.
Me: My arm hurts more and more. What should I do?
Micha: Lie down for a while.
Me: It’s better, thank you.
Micha: You will remember soon. You must not be so harsh with yourself. You must treat yourself better.
Me: Can you not understand that I would never have survived all this? Look how I managed to bury all that so far down in my soul.
I have never understood evil. I have never understood cruelty. It is beyond my comprehension. I cannot manage to understand this.
During the circle, as I was looking around at all these courageous women, I could not understand why someone had hurt them so much.
If we are beings of light, can anyone explain how men and women, for there are women too, can possibly hurt their children that way?
As for us, how can we possibly manage to heal ourselves?
Micha: You ask too many questions. How can you possibly question God Himself? What has happened has been for the better. You must have faith that your life is an offering to give wings to your soul. All barterers, all victims, we are children of God, we are dear to Him. Even if you do not see Him, He is always with you. Ask no questions. Resign yourself.
Me: You are asking me to accept that human beings hurt each other terribly. We torture not only strangers, but also those dear to us. Is this acceptable?
Micha: No, no, that is not what I’m saying. I am saying that in All That Is, this divine personality we call God, there resides all that is Love. Here on earth, you, along with millions of others, have chosen to take human form in order to experiment with matter, the five senses and emotions. Here on earth, everything is divided into two opposites. Good and evil. Light and darkness. Duality.
Me: I’m screaming inside. I am very afraid to let out such anger. Do you believe that I have forgiven this man? I hate him. I wish him harm. At least, in the silence, under the cover of forgetfulness, I do not have to acknowledge my bitterness and my hatred. I can believe that I’m a good person who will go to heaven because she has never wished anyone any harm. You know very well that if I remembered, I would want to kill him. Even though he is dead, I still wish to see him suffer, I still wish him harm.
Micha: How can you possibly heal when you carry all this inside yourself? You will never receive the grace of forgiveness if you insist on hiding and ignoring your emotions. Whether they are good or bad, you must face them. You do not see it, but your stubborn insistence on keeping all this inside yourself is costing you spiritually. So, my dear Michelle, stop shaking your fist in the face of God and accept your destiny as the best thing that ever happened to you, in order to become the being that you are forever seeking to be.
Me: You’re harsh with me. I cannot guarantee that I will make it, but I will try not to deny anything anymore. I do this as an act of faith for the salvation of my soul.
May 13, 1999 (Dream)