I went to see Hell on Friday night. The two dreams and the dialogue with Micha portend the last of my struggle to not go through this. They have brought me fortitude and hope. I have finally stopped wishing that this was only a fantasy. I have come to accept that what I have are nebulous memories of what did actually happen. I now accept my fate. I accept that whatever is there needs to be brought out in the open and dealt with. It has been one long, long struggle, but I think I am finally going to make it.
All my life, I have been afraid I would fall short of the mark. This journey now indicates to me that it was because, deep down inside, I knew that this secret would have to be dealt with one day, and that I probably have always struggled with the desire not to deal with this, to just let it pass. But now I’m at a crossroads and I am — as odd as this may seem — I am happy to finally come to terms with it. I am very fortunate that Hell has been such a good guide. He has probably known from the beginning that some terrible monster was buried inside my soul.
Friday was certainly different. I did not fight off the emotions. I did not stop the pain. I let it happen. Hell was happy with the results.
I hope I will not back down again, but simply move forward from now on.
Good luck Michelle, you will need it! But whatever happens, do not stop the pain! Do not hug it! Just let it flow! This is something you must try very hard to do.
May 20, 1999 (NSA journal entry after adjustment) Today I felt…I could have gone on much longer. I felt relaxed. Not as much pain as the last date.
No date (NSA journal entry after adjustment) Today I felt as if I would like to explode. Like a firecracker that’s wet and can’t ignite.
May 25, 1999 (Dream)