Me: Please tell me what it is I am doing wrong. (Does it matter what language I write in?) What is it that I must do? Why is nothing happening? What is wrong with me?
Guides: First of all, you have to stop wanting to control everything.
Let go. Let go. All will come in good time.
Me: I do not know what to do. I am impatient. I am also very scared and that is why I want so much for this to be over.
Guides: You must be patient. The work you do is on the inside.
There is much to change. In a way, you are very fragile so you must be gentle with yourself.
Me: Today, it felt as if God wanted to remind me how much He loves me, even if what will be shown to me is very painful. It must be pretty bad, for so many precautions to be taken to watch over me. What really happened? And why did I dream I was thirteen years old? How much of this is a fabrication on my part and, if it is a fabrication, what kind of monster am I? Am I terribly sick? Crazy?
What is wrong with me? Will it end soon? One way or another? I am so fed up!
Guides: Patience. You must be patient.
Me: Please help me enter into some sort of trance, that I might write and that I might believe what I write.
Guides: Sorry, you must make a choice. Choose here and now.
Me: I have no choice. I must believe. Otherwise, I am truly crazy.
I need help. I can’t go on anymore. I need help. I will trust. I will trust that whatever happens, it is for my own good. I will trust that God loves me, and that a part of these atrocities (how, how can I understand raping and sodomizing a little girl who is three-and-a-half years old? Or for that matter, an eighteen-year-old? Or an old
woman?) is that there’s a part of us that accepts the aggression and the aggressor.
I cannot express anger because I do not remember. I am always so passive. I never seem to get angry. Am I wrong?
Guides: You will have to get angry eventually, but it can wait. You must express anger. Anger can be good. Not because you were hurt, but because these things should not be part of any society. Belief systems, expectations, and standards breed such oppressions. It is important to want to make changes by bringing about good and healthy relationships.
Me: I do not understand. Am I supposed to do something about this? How?
Guides: We will show you, we will guide you. Be patient. All things will come in time, just at the right time.
Slowly but Surely
July 1, 1999 (Computer Journal)