Lightning bolt: TROUBLE. ANGER. UPSET. STRONG
EMOTIONS. A bad confrontation coming between my mom and me?
Man: Network Chiropractic.
Little girl: Me.
Crowd: Others like me, but who have resolved their conflicts.
Hill: Rising above.
Mall: Sort of life’s activities.
Altima: Body (self).
Baggage: Unresolved issues.
Purse: Values, beliefs.
Houses, grass: Peaceful environment? Wealth? A better place? But the storm is not over yet.
My mom’s old boyfriend: He may represent old beliefs, an old way of thinking.
I am not looking forward to going to Drummondville. But this is something I have to do. The problem is that I am weakened by a bladder infection and totally exhausted. I wonder if these emotional storms will ever stop. How much more of this can I take?
The dream indicates that this coming trip may prove to be more than I bargained for. I would love to go to my grandfather’s old place in the country; the place may not even be there anymore. Dare I ask my mom where it was? That was over fifty years ago. A long, long time ago. Lots and lots of baggage indeed. However, I cannot escape from meeting my nephew.
I hurt so much. Last night, as I was drifting off to sleep, this visualization came to me unbidden: there was a sort of crablike creature, flesh-coloured, sitting on my stomach (where it hurts so often when my emotions are all in a whirl), about the size of a large turtle. It had four curved legs that were deeply embedded in my stomach; almost
like the roots of a wart, dug in deep, like tentacles. I was trying to pry it off me with my hands — of course without success. I felt frustrated and discouraged. I should be smart enough to know you can’t touch something imaginary. It seemed to me I will never resolve these issues and there will never be any real healing. As always, I think I will fall short of the mark. Wishy-Washy Michelle, that’s me. I fell asleep crying. So maybe that is why I had the dream — which is not much help, if you want my opinion.
July 16, 1999 (Letter to Hell)
You have become my confidant and sometimes I talk without thinking that you might take something personally. In spite of the problems at work, I will always be able to pay for your services, though I wonder how I could possibly pay you back for healing my soul.
You will remember how difficult it was for me to come for the adjustments three times a week. It seemed to me that all I could bear was one visit a week, especially this winter with the Tuesday night circle, and the thought of having three adjustments in one day was unbearable. I had such a hard time with just one visit a week. Now, I would love to come more often — if not three times a week, at least twice. What do you think? I am now looking forward to your special transformational days. Who would have thought?
See you when I get back from Drummondville. Ugh! (I mean ugh, Drummondville!)
July 23, 1999 ( NSA Journal Entry after Adjustment) Today I felt…my hands became terribly itchy. Especially my thumbs and wrists. Only got relief by lying on them. Glad I got the Drummondville-trip tension out of my spine.
July 26, 1999 (NSA Journal Entry after Adjustment) Today I felt…I felt very relaxed. I wish I could find a way to release the pressure, to pop these little volcanoes along my spine.
July 26, 1999 (Computer Journal)
To my guides (Diary #2)
Me: Can you talk to me and help me understand what is going on?
I am not remembering very fast. What am I doing wrong?
Guide: Michelle, you must wait and be patient. All things come to those who know how to wait. You are making great strides, believe us.
Me: I am not so sure. What more can I do?
Guide: Read, write, pray; for when you remember, you will wish you had not remembered. You must be very good to yourself and be very patient.
Me: Why did Hell give me such a look this morning? Do you know?
Guide: He is wondering how things will be when you do remember.
He worries a bit. He feels you will remember very soon, and he hates how this will hurt you. He watches you, like today when you are so well and relaxed, and worries about the crisis that is inevitable.
Me: I wanted to cry this afternoon, when Max dictated the letter for my demotion. It is grand of him to have managed it so that I keep my full salary until his departure next spring, but what will happen then? I pretended to be brave when he said I would be assigned to reception duties. What a comedown! I told him I did not mind. That I liked the idea of working only nine-to-five, without responsibilities.
I will never show Max how I really feel. I owe him so much. I will never give the others the satisfaction of seeing me down. I will show them I have class. Besides, it’s a lot better than being unemployed. I constantly tell myself that things can only get better and better, physically, mentally, spiritually, and financially. Do you agree?
Guide: It is good. But believe me when I say that there are nice surprises in store for you this year and next year. You will positively love your new life. Be patient. I cannot tell you more. You will write more and more. Do not worry about money. You will soon have more money than you need, and I don’t mean winning the Lotto, which should happen soon, at any rate. As I was saying, be patient, dear Michelle.
Me: This conversation makes no sense. We shall see. In the meantime, I like who I am, I like where I am, and I like the healing work that I do. I feel this will go far.
Guide: Well said!
July 28, 1999 (NSA Journal entry after adjustment) Today I felt great! But I can’t seem to pop the cork. I know I can do this. I know I can.
Aug. 1, 1999 (Dream)