What a journey! How angry I was at Hell that Tuesday night in February, and no wonder! How was I supposed to tell him what Micha wrote while I was doing an exercise with the tapes from John Bradshaw? It has taken me a long, long time to even accept that she had written the words. Of course I destroyed the letter. I could not suffer those words to remain so real. I figured if I destroyed the letter it would go away. It never did, obviously, and little Micha has written many more times and has done some drawings, all of which I have
destroyed; they are too overwhelming. I think Hell might have one or two of them, though. I’m not even sure of that.
This week, I wanted this bad trip to end (again) but, as always, Hell telephoned and we talked and, as has happened before, something he says helps me take down one more wall, one more layer of concrete unfeeling, and I can move forward again.
Today something different happened. Even though it is never the same, today was definitely a different kind of difference. For the very first time, I could tell Hell what I was feeling. I could tell him what I felt because, this time, I was actually feeling things happening in my body, not just feeling that awful unnamed pain blindly searching for its origin.
Tuesday night, Hell mentioned the word surrender. I learned the word honouring this winter. This summer it is surrender. I did not think it was something I could do. However, if I wanted to be honest about this, I had to try. During the adjustment, I ‘talked’ with these areas of myself that seem to be suffering and proposed that, although I could not in all honesty surrender, for at this time there is still a part of me holding back, what I could do was cooperate. I am good at coopera-tion. I learned that in A Search for God. Of all the lessons in that book, it was the only one I was able to complete.
After a lot of breathing and coughing and connecting, for the first time since I’ve had the bladder infection I feel that a part of myself may finally heal. Striving to let the pain talk instead of working so hard at shutting it up is a definite change of direction.
Today, I feel I have reached a clearing in the forest. I’m no longer bumping my head on the trees and tripping on their roots. I am in a clearing. It does not let me see ahead, for it is not up on a hill where I could see over the tree tops, but it is a place to get my bearings and it gives me a sense of having covered some distance. From here I can see a path. It is not clearly defined and I do not know if it will lead out of the forest, but it is definitely a path. Since I cannot go back, the only thing I can do is follow wherever it leads. I sure hope there is a castle in this story. I may be the damsel in distress, but I know I am also the knight in shining armour, and that pleases me.
Aug. 15, 1999 (NSA journal entry after adjustment) Today I felt lots of burning in my belly. Don’t know why. In the middle back, too. Nevertheless, I felt it was a great session as, somehow, the stress from work was dissipated. I feel pretty good now.
Aug. 16, 1999 (NSA journal entry after adjustment) Today I felt the pain in the pit of my stomach. It wants attention, but I don’t know what I can do. When I feel overwhelmed and want to start crying, I tell it I am okay. It then can express itself and the panic sort of goes away for a little while and so it goes, back and forth. It wants attention, I get scared, but then I say I’m okay, and we’re okay.
Aug. 16, 1999 (Computer Journal)
My Guides (Diary #3)
Me: So, what is happening? My life is being turned upside down, what do you think of that? Am I really shallow? Am I a hypocrite?
Why is the guy at work always so damn upset all the time? Am I on the right track? How much more of all this? Did you know I was going to Machu Picchu? Will you talk to me, just for company? I feel so down tonight.
This healing journey is taking a lot out of me and there are nights like tonight when I wish I had a shoulder to cry on, someone to watch over me, someone to say, “There, there, everything’s okay; don’t you fret so much. ”
I am oh, so lonely tonight!
Guide: Well, you shouldn’t take yourself so seriously, you know.
Everything is as it should be. All is well. You think that you will not make it, but you are making good progress. I can tell you that you will feel much better during the holidays. The adjustments are difficult for you, but do not make everything such a big deal. Laugh a little. Laugh as you did today. It is very good for your ego.
Me: I feel so terribly alone.
Guides: You are not alone. Trust your guides.
Me: That’s just it. I neither see nor hear you. Come to think of it, it is probably for the best, otherwise I would think I’m completely insane. What do you think about my going to Peru?
Guides: We are waiting for you there. We’ll meet there and it will be joyful. Do not be so sad. There is nothing to be sad about. You are well right now, are you not? Take advantage of each day. Be patient. We love you very much and God Himself smiles when He sees you so anxious. Have faith in life. It is a perfect life, right?
Me: To tell you frankly, I find a few holes in its fabric. However, I am beginning to understand that life is perfect. It’s that I am so confused. Especially to be so alone. This weighs heavily on my shoulders. Will I be punished much longer because I committed suicide in the past life, when I was the young Indian woman?
Guide: You are not being punished. You chose this experience to help you understand what it means to have chosen such a path.
You must allow destiny to do the work that it must do, even if everything is so dark at the moment. You must have faith that there is light at the end of the tunnel. It is your destiny; take it by the hand and let it bring you near to God, for this is where you belong.
Me: Am I that bad?
Guide: You’re taking yourself too seriously again. Let go a bit; be yourself. This is who you are. This person who wishes to help, that’s you.
Guide: Continue being Michelle; it suits you to a tee.
Me: I am so anxious about what is going on at work.
Guide: You can stay at work as long as you wish. Never, never, and this is my solemn promise, will you be in need of money. You will receive everything that you need. You will not lack for anything.
You must believe this.
Me: Yes, I want to believe. But it is worth remembering that I’m the one who’s writing both dialogues here.
Guides: Laugh, Michelle, laugh; that’s very funny.
Me: But I feel so much like crying…
Guides: Courage, little sister. Courage.
Aug. 18, 1999 (NSA journal entry after adjustment) Today I felt a different kind of pain, something striving to make itself known, and I was listening this time. It wanted to cry. It took a while but there was a crying child looking for her mother. It was important for the pain to know that. It’s not much, but it is something.
I can still feel myself stuck right there, but the stone that’s been sitting on my solar plexus has been moved aside a little. What it will take to break it apart I do not know, but I’m happy that my body seems to have found its own rhythm.
Aug. 20, 1999 (NSA journal entry after adjustment) Today, I feel…I want to get rid of this. Make it move faster than it wants to, I guess. My solar plexus has hurt for two days and I guess I’m getting impatient. Hell says to listen, to create a space. How to do that is the next step, I suppose.
Aug. 22, 1999 (Computer Journal)