Chapter 07 - Nurturing Relationships with Mindful Meditation
Relationships are confusing and can bring out the worse behavior in anyone. Whether it’s your family, a date, friend or co-workers, even good relationships present constant challenges.
One of the reason relationships turn problematic is that many of us remain unaware of the other person’s needs. We tend to be more focused on what we want. We have discussed the importance of self-awareness. However, when there are other people in our lives, we need to extend awareness to them, as well. If we don’t, we will find ourselves engaging in a constant struggle for power.
The standard advice for relationship problems is to “work on the relationship,” usually with a counselor. While this can certainly be beneficial, it is also crucial that we overcome our own insecurities and become more loving and understanding toward our partner. We need to work on ourselves.
How Mindful Meditation Nurtures Healthy Relationships?
When we are in conflict with another person, especially a loved one, we are more likely to be talking and expressing our grievances instead of listening. We’ve already discussed the importance of mindful listening. It’s the basis of any important relationship.
When we just hear words, we quickly label and file them away without being aware what is really being said. We’re too busy framing a reply to really “get” it. This leaves the other person frustrated and unheard.
Imagine your spouse telling you, “You forgot to pick up the dry cleaning like you promised.” What you hear is, “You’re too stupid to be trusted with a simple task.” Instead of mindfully listening to what is being said, you react to the unspoken words. “All you do is nag!” We are wired for a “fight or flight” response. For cavemen, it was a matter of survival. For us, thankfully, there are other options.
To quote Tibetan lama Jamyang Khyentse, “We think that we have successful communication with others. In fact, we only have successful miscommunication without being aware of it.”
Instead to blindly responding, take a deep breath. Think about what you’re going to say instead of reacting with the first thought that enters your mind. Consider how your words will affect the other person. Make a conscious choice to use a normal tone of voice instead of attacking.
When you engage in a more mindful conversation, you eliminate many misunderstandings that can damage a relationship. Mindfulness is always non-judgmental.
Most of us yearn to improve our relationships. Mindful meditation helps us clear our mind so that we are able to listen without judging and embrace kindness to avoid confrontations.
The next time you are tempted to engage in a confrontation with someone, simply stop. Become aware of any tension developing in your body. Is your breathing becoming shallow? Is your heart pounding? Are your muscles tensing? Simply notice without the need to judge or condemn.
Now, breathe into the tension. Focus on your right hand as you make a fist. Imagine the tension flowing into your hand. Now, open your first and release the tension.
Do this regardless of what the other person is saying or doing. Forget about proving that you’re “right.” Simply focus on your body. It only takes seconds, but in those moments, you have shifted your awareness to your anxiety and have chosen not to react but to remain in focused control instead.
Becoming more mindful can have a tremendously positive effect on your relationships.