3.1 Where I Found Hope to Make Love Last
To be honest, when Carly and I first began dating, I was absolutely
frightened we would only last for a day, or even a week at most. I was so
skeptical on love’s ability to work that I kept fighting with myself to end it
here because I didn’t believe I had what it took to make this relationship
work. It boggled my mind how she somehow trusted me that I wouldn’t hurt
her, and that she could be vulnerable by entering into a relationship with
me. Even I didn’t trust myself that much.
After the dinner, I asked her if she wanted to go out on an actual date.
She smiled and grew red. Her eyes lowered to the ground as if to avoid an
embarrassing direct contact. She said, “I would love to,” and we both
hugged before I left and did a victory dance outside. And it was on that date,
when I took her into a wonderful garden filled with fragrant lavenders and
blooming flowers, that I asked her to be my girlfriend. Once again she said
yes, which is when my doubt made me frightful.
I didn’t know what I was doing. I adored her. I cherished her. I
wanted to date her. But my cynical mind kept saying that I was only going to
hurt her, and that how I felt about her didn’t matter. My raging pessimism
wanted to say that this wasn’t going to work.
It was a difficult struggle, but I chose to silence those pestering voices
in my head. There were times when this was easy, because she would stroll
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over from next door, her sundress following behind her as she walked against
the wind, and I would see her and say, “You look fantastic.” She would melt,
grow red once again, and do a little shuffle with her feet as if my compliment
snatched the ground from under her. “Thank you,” she would say in a soft
tone. And in that simple and sweet response, my doubt would scurry to the
corners of my mind, like ants running for cover.
But then there were times when I had doubts. They always occurred
when I was by myself in my room, and I had somehow believed my feelings
were going to end soon because I had no clue what I was doing. Whenever I
was in my room, I was left to wrestle with my feelings, and it was miserable
those first few weeks of dating.
Yet oddly, strength came from an unlikely place: my family. For many
people, this doesn’t seem so out of place, but when I talked to my family, I
didn’t reveal to them that I was feeling this way. It was weird, but when I
talked with my family, I was reminded something about love.
Mark was the first person I called to say that I was dating Carly. Mark
is the middle child of the three Samudre brothers. He is only two years older
than me, which while growing up had its complications because we were in
each other’s lives too much. But now, it’s a sweet blessing to have a sibling so
close to you in age, and yet so different from you.
Mark’s personality is far different from mine. He has a sense of style. I
don’t. He’s a big planner. I’m not. He’s more emotional. I’m more logical.
He’s a teacher, and I can’t even imagine what it would be like if I was forced
to stand in front of a room full of kids everyday. They would probably eat
me alive, but Mark is also tougher than I am.
All that to say that Mark and I are so incredibly different, which is a
great gift when it comes to telling him news about my life. When you
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encounter someone remarkably different from you yet so invested in your
life, they so often offer you a fresh perspective on something you hadn’t
thought of before.
What was strange about my conversation with Mark was that what he
gave me was not explicit in his words.
The phone rang on the other end as I strolled around my room. He
picked up in his same old, goofy way.
“Neal!” he said, drawing out the word for about half a minute.
“Wassup?”
“Oh nothing,” I was pretending to be cool on the other line, like the
news I was telling him was no big deal. “I just have some news for you.”
“What is it?” his tone of voice shifting to be more eager.
“I’m dating someone now.”
Mark chuckled. “Oh really? Good for you. What’s her name?”
“Carly,” I said with a smile on my face.
“Tell me about her.”
I told him how she was an angel, how I met her because of the all-
female acapella group, and how she lived next door. I told him about how
she went to Cru, an on-campus ministry, and how silly she was. I poured out
how many sisters she had, where her family was from, and whether I had
told our mother yet. And on the other end, Mark could tell I was enthusiastic
about the relationship.
Sly was the oldest brother of the three, and he had a very similar
reaction. Except Sly had a cooler, wiser tone in his reaction. Sly is like that.
We share many similarities such as our ability to dream, our passion towards
the work we love doing, and our sudden aloofness to the world around us.
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But Sly holds all those qualities to a higher degree, mainly because he’s been
living longer than I have.
“That’s excellent man,” Sly laughed in his laidback tone on the other
end of the call. “I’m proud of you.”
And then, I picked up the phone to dial my sweet mother. To be
honest, I was a little intimidated to tell my mother about my new
relationship. My mother was always pragmatic, always thinking about what
was best for us. So I knew she would say something like, “get a job” or
“you’re too young” if I told her.
And she did. One of the first things she said was: “How are you going
to pay for dates?”
I chuckled, and said, “I’ll save up money.”
“Well, I’m happy for you. I can’t wait to meet her. Now all my sons
are dating women!” I could tell she was brewing with excitement over the
possibility of grandchildren in the near future (not from me of course).
My family honestly didn’t say much when I told them I was dating
Carly. They didn’t say words to directly alleviate my fears or soothe me. Yet,
there was something about talking to family members who love me that
reminded me something crucial about love.
There is a love that’s impossible to ignore. It’s called family.
Of course, the love of a family member and the love of a boyfriend or
girlfriend are completely different, but we still label both devotions as love,
and I think there is something so beautiful to that. It’s as if, in having family,
we have a strong example right from the start that there is a love that can’t
fail us. And sometimes, we need that reminder to shake us of the times we
forget or doubt love.
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I am well aware there are families that are broken, and therefore,
don’t have an example of unfailing love. I know that more than anyone. But,
the design of a loving family is still there, ingrained in the idealistic parts of
our mind and soul. And as long as the design and intent is still intact, we
know a love that lasts is possible.
Though I come from a family ravaged by the pain of imperfection
gone rampant, I still cling to hope. Not only that, but my family still pulses
with the life of an unfailing devotion. No pain could cause our love for one
another to fail.
And so, I was reminded that I already have a picture of love that lasts.
There was no reason to doubt that such a thing was possible when I had
tangible evidence. Though both types of love are different, I first needed to
know that a love that lasts is possible before I could fight for it. And I found
that in my family.
Sometimes, when you forget the crucial aspects to life, you need to
reach around you to remind yourself of them once again.
It’s like finding an oasis in the desert. In your mind, you know an oasis
exists, but when the sweltering heat weighs down on you and your blistered
feet can’t walk anymore, you lose hope. You give up to the point that when
you see an oasis, you think it to be nothing more than a crazy illusion.
For me, I thought a love that lasts was an illusion. I continued to
wander in the heat of negativity my mind was feeding me. But once I tasted
the waters of a strong, dependable love present in my family, I knew that an
unfailing love wasn’t impossible. Once I dipped my hands in that cool water
and replenished myself with hope, I started moving in the direction of
finding that love for myself.
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Maybe, the greatest thing we could ask for in this world is a little hope.
It keeps us moving towards the beautiful things of life rather than depress
ourselves with false beliefs and doubts. I believe hope is present in our midst,
but sometimes, we have to go digging for it.
Before you give up on love, find it in your family or wherever it may
be in your life. Refresh yourselves in those waters and then keep moving
forward.
3.2 What Held Me Back from Loving More
Love can be tricky. You believe you understand it while you’re on a smooth
and comfortable path, but then a rock comes on the road and causes your
wheels to shake and rattle with uncertainty. This is the complex mess we
would rather not bother with. Yet something I’ve learned is to not let the
rock stop you from going any further, but instead, use them to pave the road
forward.
In the beginning days of mine and Carly’s relationship, we didn’t fight
too much. We were still dancing in the honeymoon stage of having a best
friend by our side, and we loved it. We went to parties together, went on
walks through the park, and always blushed and took a tone of enthusiasm
every time we introduced each other as boyfriend and girlfriend. It was a
blissful time for us, and my previous doubts of this relationship lasting slowly
faded away with each cherished moment spent together.
But then the fights began, and my fears once again resurfaced.
Most of our fights occurred because either Carly or myself had
unrealistic expectations for the other. This is how it usually is between people
when they first begin dating. They unconsciously believe they’re going to
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date someone with the same oddities and habits as them, and when they
discover this isn’t the case, tension happens.
I’m an early sleeper and an introvert, so once when Carly and I were
at a party with some friends, I decided I was too tired to continue with the
night.
“Carly,” I said in a whiney voice. “Let’s call it a night. There’s too
much going on here.”
“You sure? We just got here an hour ago!” she was right. I was such a
wimp when to came to overwhelming social environments.
“I’m tired.”
She agreed, and we hopped into the car and headed back home. As
soon as we pulled into the parking spot, I jumped out of the car, and headed
over to her side of the car to say goodbye. I wrapped my arms around her,
said my goodbyes, and then one minute later, I was in my house getting
ready for bed. Soon, I got a text, which went something like this:
“I thought we were hanging out tonight?”
I sat in my bed and felt my heart sink. I replayed the last fifteen
minutes in my head, only to see how eager I was to get to bed and how
ignorant I was of Carly’s feelings. She could’ve stayed at the party longer.
But she didn’t know how introverted I truly am and how early I sleep. She
expected me to stay up that night, while I expected her to go to bed at what I
thought was an appropriate time.
She was obviously upset, and I felt like a jerk. As we both talked about
it, I apologized over and over again for expecting something that wasn’t who
she was, and she did the same thing as well. But once we ended our
discussion that night, my fears came crashing in my mind like a tidal wave.
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This was our first fight. And it had only been a couple weeks. Maybe,
I thought, we weren’t going to last.
I tossed and turned in bed that night, thinking of whether I would be
able to make this relationship work or not. I doubted and gave myself a
beating in my mind.
You’re an idiot.
You don’t deserve her.
You’re only going to screw this up.
These thoughts were on repeat, and my fear grew to a point of utter
anxiety. I couldn’t shake these poisonous thoughts, like a little devil was
permanently glued to my shoulder, whispering lies in my ears. I was being
ripped open in that moment. I only felt fear.
__________
What struck me in that night was how willing I was to give up the
things that scared me. While I cherished Carly, I had this fear gnawing at
my insides that I would only hurt her if I continued this relationship. This
fear highlighted my typical response when frightening things come my way: I
give up. I discard the things that terrify me and only pick up what I believe
will bring me closer to happiness. It’s like I’m travelling through a buffet line
of choices in life, picking up the delightful things I know I’ll like and staying
far away from the scarier options.
But, the problem with this action is that if we continue to ignore the
things that frighten us, we’ll never change to overcome those fears, to be
people who try and succeed. We’ll only end up managing our fears rather
than overcoming them.
In a relationship, it doesn’t matter how many things we sacrifice if we
don’t learn to sacrifice the things that matter, the things that hold us back.
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And for me, that meant sacrificing listening to my fears and staying
comfortable.
Fear, I’ve learned, should not be a guiding principle for life. We
shouldn’t give it the power to govern our decisions and our action, because if
we do that, we’ll never live the life we want to live.
I wanted to date Carly. I wanted to hold her in my arms and cherish
her like the queen she is. I wanted to go through my days laughing at her
goofy jokes and her silly expressions and mannerisms. I wanted to grab her
by the hand and embark on this new task of living life like an adventure. I
wanted to be with her, but my fear was holding me back. My fear said this
wasn’t right for me to do. My fear said I was incapable of making love last.
Yet, just because my fear said something didn’t mean it was true.
Love calls us to be courageous because courage is closer to the truth. It
calls us to give up the lies and petty beliefs that hinder us from experiencing
the depth of love.
As I lied in bed that night, I thought that maybe what I should give up
should not be my relationship, but my own fear. Only then would change
occur.
__________
Love is a courageous act, and it’s courage that keeps us growing and
changing. Without it, we would have a complacent and comfortable love.
Being comfortable is not the goal with love; being willing to do
anything is. It’s fear that keeps us comfortable, and courage that keeps us
daring.
Fear has us avoid trouble. Courage has us embrace them and
overcome them. Fear has us never learn anything new. Courage has us grow
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from our experiences. Fear keeps us focused on ourselves. Courage turns our
attention outside of ourselves to accomplish the things that matter.
Wholeheartedly buying into our fears isn’t what we need to make love
last in our lives. Instead, we need to be receptive to change, because it’s the
courage to change that fuels our love. Love moves forward with courage.
In our beings, I believe we all know that love essentially requires more.
We know that love without courage doesn’t change us, and this is why we’re
so scared of love. Some of us are opposed to enter into a relationship because
we’re scared of becoming different. We’re people who desire stability and
comfort in a topsy-turvy world, so anything that has to come about with
change is frightening to us. It’s easier to be comfortable than it is to change,
but unfortunately, change is the antithesis of comfort.
I learned a crucial truth about myself when Carly and I started dating:
my fears kept me safe from hurt, but kept me so far away from where I
wanted to be. Listening to my fears kept me comfortable, and comfort
ironically is not a sturdy ground to build the foundation of our love. I
thought it was, but it’s not.
After our first argument, when my fear was telling me to end the
relationship because I would hurt her, I found that my fear was speaking lies
to me of what a great life would be. It told me that a great life is a
comfortable one. It told me that a great life is not where I risk dating Carly
when I didn’t think I was good enough, but giving up the moment I’m called
to be courageous.
Fear so often speaks lies. It justifies comfort when the better ground to
build our love on should be one of sacrifice, risk, and change. This is a more
fertile ground.
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Basically, the point of any relationship is not to be comfortable. The
point of relationships is to be challenged towards change, where you and
your significant other become better people. Love truly does propel us in the
direction of change, but we have to allow it to do this first. If we listen to our
fears about a relationship, we’ll only chase a path towards comfort, which
typically is a lonely road. But if we instead follow the path towards sacrifice
and courage, we’ll change. We’ll be better in the end. Trust me.
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