I was born in 1979, which, makes me generation X. Generation X was raised on Cinderella, sit-coms and fairy tales that did more damage to women than good.
In my coaching and mentoring programs, I see many women who are stuck in unhealthy relationships with men, which is no fault but their own. They have given their power away, maybe had children and stopped working to raise the kids and are now stuck in a controlling relationship, needing to ask their husbands before they can spend $100. What an awful terrible place to be as a woman. You must make your own money and be financially independent. YOU MUST! Anything else is suicide!
I had a woman on the phone this week who works as a dental assistant, has two children, who are 4 years old and 15 months. She is married and hates, hates, hates, her job. Like many women, she has been feeling the call to serve in a bigger way to help people and feels overwhelmed and frustrated that all the courses that she has taken and not all the things she had begun filled with gusto and passion have paid off yet.
She earns a part time income and is desperate for a change in career. We talked at length and I told her the cost of my program. I have a 30-day challenge for $10,000 that I use to help coaches and consultants rock out their confidence and put proven cash flow systems in place so they can earn their first $100,000 per year. This program helps women understand how to sell and have confidence in their ability to market and promote their services.
She tells me, “I can’t afford it. I have to ask my husband for the money, I’ll have to get him drunk tonight, and I don’t think he’ll go for it.”
I told her, “Lady, you have a BIG problem and that’s it right there! You got to ask your husband for money to do what you need to do?”
This eats me up; I get so worked up for women who have put themselves in this position because it’s the same position I put myself into. I can recall my mother and aunts chiming in when I was little, saying, “Whatever you do, marry rich!” As if a woman can’t make her own money!
Fear keeps women stuck and frustrated giving their power away and then they eventually wind up controlled and resentful. This woman would have loved to make more money for her family and help her husband cut down on his overtime. The kids would have mom around more, there would be less stress and tension in the household. It was another sad story.
I always tell women if you want something bad enough you find the money because everything exists for you right now, except most have trained their mind to, not afford it and by then verbalizing, “I can’t afford it.” The moment you turn it around and open it up by asking the question, “How can I?” everything shifts. The mind will go out and do its job to become aware and pull in all the cooperative elements that help you achieve your goal.
If you don’t value yourself enough to make your own money you better, have a ton of faith in your man. You know what, no matter how well relationships start, things always change. You can count your blessings on that one. If there is one thing I have learned it’s that I will always make my own money and Be at Choice; not dependant on the relationship.
I will never have to ask a man if I can buy myself a nice pair of earrings or a nice dress because it tickles me or if I can invest in something that I know will help me. Don’t set yourself up to suffer. Always make your own money and set yourself up to win; to Be at Choice. Then you can choose the relationship that meets your needs. This is a critical part of taking your Power Back.
When I began coaching and mentoring women, one of the very first women that hired me was a woman I’ll call Kristine who was originally from the UK. She had moved to the Czech Republic with her four children for her husband’s job. She was feeling the call to get her business up, and start generating income for herself. She was also feeling isolated in a country where no one spoke English and there wasn’t a large English speaking foreign population nearby. After a few weeks working together, the real reason for our work emerged. Her husband had a drinking problem and was having an affair with a younger more fun woman at work and he was leaving her alone with four kids in the Czech Republic. Ya, nice one.
It became evident that a big part of my work was helping women heal the self-worth scars that come from being in a relationship with men who have addiction and/or unhealthy emotionally abusive partners. These women needed to start thriving financially fast!
Now that was exactly what I had learned while at my mop job. I had zero credit after a bankruptcy and I needed to make money so that I could eventually quit that job and build my passion-based business. I created an exit strategy. Do you need an exit strategy?
The sad truth is some women are comfortable with neglect and abuse and continue to attract men who exhibit the same traits over and over again until they look inside and have the courage to take their Power Back and heal those inner agreements, those silent yes’s to pain and struggling. It’s another case of this comfortable uncomfortable. You don’t like the situation yet, you know what to expect. Fear of the unknown is greater than the pain you choose to allow into your life repeatedly. What are you comfortable with?
Healing self-worth issues goes hand in hand with forgiving yourself for unconsciously choosing these types of men. By opening the way to being independent, thriving and happy you are taking a stand for what you truly deserve.
After much debate and heartache, Kristin decided to leave her husband and moved her four children back to the UK to start over. She found a job to support herself while she grew her business. She is now able to honor herself and her own her self-worth.
I see many women who also financially support the men in their life. Nothing wrong with that, all relationships are agreements. The question I have is, “Are you getting your emotional needs met?” Do you feel like there is an equal share of responsibility and an equal give and take or are you simply being a wet rag, allowing someone to take advantage of you? There are no victims in life; you choose how people treat you. This is another call, another opportunity to take your Power Back and take a stand for what you deserve.
Another very common thing I see in abusive controlling relationships is women who run around doing everything. They have to manage, emotionally maintain and take care of the relationship, make all the decisions and emotionally take care of their men or else! Or else there is strife, problems and arguments.
I say ditch the loser! Ditch him and run as fast as you can! You are not responsible for others people’s reactions and emotional happiness. If you’re stuck in a controlling abusive relationship with someone who uses fear, or emotionally batters you by using their anger as a weapon and you end up not making waves or not rocking the boat to make sure you don’t change - I tell you something, what you have is a CHILD on your hands not a man! The problem will only escalate until you choose to look inside and do some major healing work. I don’t want to sound like a man hater or one sided here either. I help men who have given their power away to abusive women as well.
The point is, if you’re waiting around for someone to have a change of heart and change because they love you, you may very well be waiting until hell freezes over! Do you know how hard it is to change? Seriously, life has to get pretty scary, uncomfortable and painful even before we make any decisions on change. Think about it - that’s human nature - we are creatures of habit.
In today’s society where drinking, being cool and smoking weed is the norm I would venture a safe guess to say that most people are emotionally damaged and self medicating their wounds with drugs, food, sex, you name it.. We’re living in a culture that plasters through the media, happiness is found in that fancy car, that house, that relationship out there and instead everyone runs around unfulfilled, out of touch with God, scared and totally crazed reliving their wounds from childhood. That is how entrenched the mind and Ego’s hold is on you and how committed they are in keeping you suffering. If you don’t go in and reprogram it - it will just go on and on having, you repeat old decisions. So be careful. This is a slippery slope and the same slope I slid down again and again and again until it nearly killed me.
Take note here, as long as you and your energy are all wound up in taking care of such a person you have no and I mean no time or energy to work on yourself or building a business or anything else empowering. NO, NO, NO, that would be way too threatening. Controlling relationships are built with insecure people that require you to need them. Cut it out like a rotten part of an apple. Go and get the support you need.
If alcohol is or was involved, I highly recommend Al-Anon as a great place to start and Adult Children of Alcoholics (ACA or ACOA). Heck I was 30 something before I actually resigned myself and surrendered to the fact that I had some major issues that I needed to heal and I’m so happy and grateful that I did or I would not be writing this book today.