Have you given up on your passion in trade for others approval? One of the biggest problems that I encounter while coaching women entrepreneurs is around the topic of being visible in the market place. There are thousands of women struggling, suffering with their incomes because they have a fear of being visible, a fear of being seen as a phony and what it really boils down to is a deep-seated fear of how others will judge them.
Needing others, approval is a major block that holds not only entrepreneurs back from going for and taking action to achieve their goals, for women in general, it is the ‘people pleasing’ syndrome. Too many women have fallen victim to the need of being liked by everyone, pleasing your family, your boss, your partner and losing your own voice and sense of self, sacrificing your own values for the need of approval from others.
You teach people how to treat you by the kind of behavior you allow others to treat you. When you give voice to your boundaries, what you will and won’t do, being clear, standing up for yourself, what feels right and doesn’t feel right is paramount to taking your power back. People pleasing is a total power and energy drain.
In 2008, my father died suddenly of a massive heart attack. My sister who was 23 at the time and me at 28 were traveling together on the big island of Hawaii. We had decided to stay, change our tickets adding a few extra weeks and thank God, we did, because we were in the right place with the right people to be able to grieve this tragic loss.
I began questioning myself, “What is really important in this world and what was I doing with my time here on earth?”
Death has a funny way of shocking you into the truth really fast and facing my father’s death showed me that I needed to really stop talking about what I was going to do and actually start doing it because before you know it you’ll be dead too! It was a big turning point in my life. My father’s death acted like a catalyst to take my power back in my family, in my career and in my relationships.
That began my whole career as a sales and business coach for women entrepreneurs – it set me in motion. I came back to Canada, became the best sales person, selling mops on live demo stages, wrote a book and started my public speaking career instead of just practicing.
Things shifted in my family dynamics as well, I stopped mothering my sister and became a sister. I stopped putting up with my mother’s bag of dirty laundry and let her be responsible for the bed she made, I let go a ton of guilt and responsibility I was carrying for others and started living my life the way I wanted. No more guilt, no more shame no more carrying anyone’s deception and nonsense for them, no more excuses, it was my time to shine!
A huge weight began lifting off me as I continued to take more of my Power Back. However, let me be clear here; nobody in my family enjoyed the new Vanessa! Oh no, on the contraire. I went to Al-Anon and discovered how dysfunctional our family was, as it was riddled with alcoholism. Dad was a brilliant artist but had major demons in the closet around addiction and our family had certainly paid the price. I had paid the price and I was making new decisions for myself and cleaning up the mess my life had become.
I remember one day having a conversation with my aunt about a certain family member whose life was falling apart. She said there was hoarding and alcohol involved, that this person was being evicted and the entire family had to pull together to save this person. I refused to be involved any more than I wanted to.
I recall the very moment when I took my Power Back and said, “No I will not be bullied into doing what you expect me to do. To be a caretaker for this sick person, to put my sanity in jeopardy, or waste any more of my precious time and energy on this sick insane person.” No, I wasn’t going to do it and I calmly told my aunt, who nearly lost her mind over the phone. If I wasn’t going to take care of this sick person then who do you think was next in line? That’s right, she was and she didn’t want to be responsible either!
Let me put this word of warning out there, so that you don’t trip on the dead bodies you might leave behind. When you decide to take your Power Back and take a stand for yourself, your worth, your values and your feeling good, above others (no it is not selfish, it’s called self-love) get ready to face some major resistance from the people closest to you. These people have a stake in you staying small. By caretaking the insanity, they are usually excellent at using guilt and shame to manipulate you. Be ready to face some resistance, have the courage to stand up for yourself, own your voice and speak your truth always!
I remember one day on the mop stage in some store north of Montreal. I was doing the announcements for a live demo show with a telephone in my hand making the sale broadcasts. A crowd was gathering around my 6 x 6 foot stage and this beast of a manager roared over to stop me. She began shouting at me that I was in no way allowed to do this kind of long announcement. I brushed past her, eager to get to the stage, do my thing before the crowd got antsy and left. She became so irritated that I had disrespected her; she plunked herself right in front of the stage and watched the whole show scowling at me with a fuming colleague alongside waiting to pounce on me the minute I was done. This is exactly what she did. It was a crazy scene from a sci-fi movie. This woman acted like a real tyrant.
I told her, “Listen lady, the company I work for gets head office approval for the announcements we do and without them nobody comes to the stage and buys the product. If no one buys the product your company doesn’t make any money, I don’t make any money and everyone loses.”
I explained to her very nicely that this is the way we’ve been working in all the other stores across Canada and no one ever had any issues until now. She continued to scold me, refused to let me do my job, she phoned the manager of the store and spoke to my manager. I mean, it was a real farce. Moreover, I decided, “You know what;; I’m not wasting my time here in this store, putting up with this drama to make money. I’m done with dealing with drama for money, done!”
I bypassed everyone, jumped in my car and left the store. Done, no more arguing, no more trying to make it work. Done. I simply decided that if making money was going to be this difficult they could fire me. I wasn’t going to be bullied or controlled by anyone. This bending over backwards arrangement, trying to do my job when there were 1,000 other things to worry about and master without some nasty manager breathing down my back was not worth the paycheck. I left the store that day trembling because I knew very well my hotheaded managers would not be happy that I simply picked up and left a store empty handed.
However, that’s exactly what I did. I was fined which meant I was not allowed to work for 2 weeks, which was acceptable by me and from then on, I only worked where I wanted to be. No one died and I wasn’t even fired! When I stood up it taught me an unforgettable lesson that day.
I remember another instance from years ago while working as a massage therapist. The owner of the yoga massage studio was a lovely lady who could never seem to pay me on time.
This came shortly after I had declared a personal bankruptcy. Trust me, I learnt my lessons in life the hard way - now I ask for toothpicks instead of 2 x 4 wake up calls; thank you very much. I had just gone bankrupt, filled with shame, regret and self-loathing and speaking up to ask this lady to pay me on time might sound like a simple thing to do to most. It ate at my nerves day in and day out. I was not happy about this and terrified that if I told her how I really felt, I risked losing my job and then I would be really screwed. Fear was running my life back in those days. I really gave all my power away and had very little self-confidence.
I had picked up this multi level marketing gig, miraculously had an $800 check rolling in and with it, found some confidence and grew some balls to stand up to this woman. I walked into her office and asked her point- blank, “Why was it so hard for her to pay me on time each month?” I showed up and worked, I did my job and I needed to get paid so that I could pay my own bills and meet my obligations. Well she opened up and explained she had a hard time getting the other therapists to hand in their time sheets on time and they delayed her from getting the accounting done. I was stunned that this woman who ran the show here was unable to set her own boundaries and enforce rules for her own employees.
I told her that other’s bad behaviors should in no way affect me getting paid on time. I told her to give people a date to hand in their time sheets and if they don’t then they don’t get paid until you find the time, period. From then on, I was paid on time. I also realized something else. My speaking up, standing up for myself, taking my Power Back and asking for what I want gave this boss of mine, permission to do the exact same thing!
Beware of people who play on your guilt, try to shame you or control and manipulate you into having you do what they want you to do without any regard to your feelings. The culture we live in has brainwashed women to be wet dishrags who sacrifice themselves for the good of others. What a load of hypocrisy, it makes me so mad!
If you want to read a good book, pick up Controlling People: How to Recognize, Understand, and Deal With People Who Try to Control by Patricia Evans. It will open you up to understanding the dysfunction in your agreements, your relationships, why these relationships are very addictive and hard to break away from. After reading her book I asked myself, “How did my life end up with so many freak show people in it? Unbelievable!”
Looking for and needing approval from others in order to be okay, in order to be loved is a lie and will cause you to suffer unnecessarily. You MUST, MUST, MUST break that agreement and realize the lie that it is.
Remember God created you, the only approval you need is your own. Stop looking outside yourself for permission from others to do the things you feel called to do in your heart. When you need someone else’s approval, you stop choosing God. You end up placing other people and things ahead of tuning in and listening to that inner voice. You become frustrated, resentful and a bitter woman and let me tell you, that isn’t fun! There is no power there. Remember a woman who has fun and takes her own pleasure very seriously, cares enough about how she feels and honors her feelings above pleasing others, is a magnetic powerhouse to be reckoned with! The forces of nature yield to her! You become unstoppable, sexy, vivacious acting as a light beacon to everyone around her.
If you are feeling trapped in yes scenarios out of fear or not wanting to deal with the repercussions of other people’s guilt, shame or anger then here’s my challenge to you.
The next time someone tries to twist your arm, guilt you into doing something or wants to argue with you, simply tell them these words - it will drive then nuts and allow you to completely disengage from the argument and not let them sink their hooks into you.
Simply tell them, “You could be right.”
Even when they ask, “Ya, but don’t you think your neighbor is crazy and should pay to do xyz.” Just reply with, “Ya, you could be right.”
If the person continues the argument with, “Don’t you think you should do xyz to make up for it?” Calmly respond with, “Ya, you could be right.”
Just keep repeating it. It will drive them nuts because, hey, you could be right but you could be wrong!
You are not making a decision either way when you use this line. Notice that’s what they are trying to do. They are looking to engage you, get their barbs into you and get a rise out of you. Don’t play into their games, play your own game and disengage completely - they’ll hang up on you and go find someone else to drain.
Another great tip to practice, when the little league soccer head coach calls you up to ask you to make a cake for the team during your busy and already overloaded schedule or when a family member is requesting you to do something you don’t want to commit to.
Just tell them, “Ya, let me get back to you on that one.” They’ll lose their mind!
Remember controllers want to make you do it their way, on their time. They want an out for their own anxiety and they want you to foot the bill. Don’t buy into it, delay making a decision. Who says you have to decide right now?
Now, when they ask you again and again during the conversation and trust me they will, simply say, “Ya, I’ll think about it and get back to you.” No one who doesn’t give you the courtesy to make decisions that honor your feelings should be part of your life.
Another great communication tip I’d like to share with you that I often use is, “That doesn’t work for me.”
“No. That really doesn’t work for me. Here’s what I suggest, here’s what I would like, here’s my request.” If you’re a people pleaser, simply by starting to voice your NO, is perhaps a big challenge for you - if so, take it.
I dare you to say NO to the things that you don’t want to do this week. Have the courage to take a stand for you and test it out. You won’t die if you stand up for yourself. I promise. If you want to take it to another level, have the courage to tell people the truth about how you feel, what doesn’t work and why. It is important that you ask for what you want.
You never get what you want until you ask for it! If people aren’t willing to negotiate, or respect how you feel or if they blatantly disregard what you just voiced, kick’em to the curb. They’re not worth wasting your time on. I have no time for disrespectful, irresponsible, narcissists, who only care about themselves and what concerns them. Cut those people loose, set your intention and goal as collaborative and attract new friends and relationships with people who really see, hear and understand you! Why? Because you are, a Goddess and you deserve it! That’s why! Don’t settle for anything else. Remember there are no victims here. You teach the world how to treat you by what you accept.