IT WAS M
onday in Bangkok, and I took it easy knowing I would start my medication that day. I had had a few large beers with the guys downstairs but I was basical y sober to begin my program. It usual y took a half a bottle of vodka and a few large beers before I started wobbling when I walked so I was pretty sober.
After I ate at about 6pm, I took a 10mg tablet of Lexapro - an antidepressant - and then before bedtime I took one 25mg tablet of Topamax - an anticonvulsant and anti-migraine medication that also has been found to slow the cravings of alcohol. A few minutes after I took these I felt their effects. I had been a little worried how I would tolerate these since I live alone and have to do everything in myself so the idea of flipping out for a few days was a worry.
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I did not sleep that night. I felt that I was in a drugged euphoria and I kept glancing at my watch al night watching the hours click by. About 5am the sun starts blasting through the edges of my curtains making sleep even more difficult. I was pretty upset at this point and happy that I had turned the volume off my computer so I wouldn’t get any phone cal s. It was going to be a lazy day. I did notice that my hands felt weak like they couldn’t hold a pencil to write. Possibly the circulation? And there was a sensation in my mouth that no matter how much water I drank it was dry. This seemed to pass in the ensuing days.
Day 1
I lay in bed al day pretty much. Found a few beers in the fridge and some left over whiskey. Later I went downstairs for another but I felt strange halfway through it, like I was going to be sick. I roughed it out and had another to be sure everything was fine then went upstairs after having something to eat.
At 6pm I figured I needed to get a good night’s sleep. If I took both medications and read for a couple of hours, I could get nice and tired and doze off and get a good night’s sleep. Al went as planned, and at about 10pm I was dragging and not feeling too strange (I think I was adapting to the drugs) so turned out the light and slept soundly until 2:30am. That was the last I slept. Every thought and song came into my head to make sure I stayed awake. At 5am the Bangkok sun started invading my room, stealing around the drapes in every space it could to make sure I knew it was a new day. Yes, I knew it was a new day but actual y I was stil into the old one. After a couple more hours of tossing and turning and wrestling the pil ow I knew I had to get up.
Day 2
Even though I didn’t sleep a lot, my body was not dragging too badly. At first I felt a little reluctant to make simple physical movements, but soon I broke into it. I was in a bit of a daze. That dul ness that you feel after waking up from a party with the bottle of gin that lies next to you. But it was a dul ness that you knew would not last, just like the gin bottle by your side. I made a pot of coffee with some fresh ground beans. The aroma of it was great and the first cup was fabulous. On the second cup I felt like I was real y high. It was rather alarming. I felt as though my head was being lifted up with every cel buzzing. I poured the rest of the pot out and haven’t drunk any since. I love coffee in the morning so I wil try it again but I wil wait a while.
I did some things around the house then went to the gym. I think exercise is important, and in my case it real y helped. I decided to start out real y slow and do 20 minutes on the el iptical machine at only a resistance of ten and see how things went. I had heard that people do not perspire much on Topamax so I was a little concerned about getting overheated but that wasn’t a problem at al . If anything I perspired more. I lifted weights for another 20 minutes, then decided it was enough for a first day’s work out on the medications.
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I got home and al seemed great. I got a craving around 4pm and had a light beer. It triggered something in me because a few minutes later I was taking a taxi to the local liquor store to pick up a bottle of gin. Shamelessly, I can say I drank almost half that bottle.
Day 3
Woke up at 2:30am, and as before stared at my ceiling and the two wal s as I wrestled the pil ow. The pil ow always wins wrestling me to wakefulness. That and the early morning sun that finds its way around the cracks around my curtains. If I were not awake it would not be a problem, so I can’t blame it on the sun or my curtain that may be a little too short and light omitting. I had the curtain made from a Thai silk cloth of an elephant that almost perfectly fits the window. I felt it was almost perfect, but it looks good.
Didn’t have coffee this morning and felt pretty good. Don’t know how I am dealing with this loss of sleep and real y feeling it so bad. Went to the gym again today and spent 20 minutes on the el iptical and the same on the weights. Real y perspired this time and noticed I was real y tight in the forearms from doing more pul downs than usual. Stil felt pretty good when I left and not real tired.
A few hours later after a short nap I went downstairs to massage place and had a punishing one-hour session. The lady knew where to work, and I was in pain but afterward I was feeling okay. The strange thing is that as I was leaving she said I need to drink less alcohol because it is bad for my nervous system. I don’t real y know how she knew other than she did some pressure points on my stomach that real y hurt. About six of these I think. I doubt if the mantra music in the background told her anything, it seemed to keep saying the same phrase over and over the entire hour. I went back to my place and did a little work and then went downstairs again to have some chicken and a nice cold beer. Only one at this point though. After that I went back up to my house and worked on this piece of art that wil most likely wind up in a delete file. But it’s something to do and it helps me remember everything.
I noticed that my vision was blurrier than before. It has been getting worse over the years but I had noticed a significant difference in my sight since taking this medication. Not only are reading glasses needed more often but also a slight decrease in depth perception.
Took the Lexapro at about 6pm and the Topomax a little bit later. By 9:30pm or so I was in bed and dozing soon afterwards. At 1am I awoke to diarrhea, went back to bed, and then couldn’t sleep for a few hours and woke back up at 6am and wrestled the pil ow for two more hours until I final y gave up.
Day 4
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Took until about noon to feel more than half-awake. Feeling in hands has basical y gone after the first day but seemed to be there a little today. I am wondering how much of this is caused by lack of sleep? I lay around most of the day trying to relax and possibly take a nap. Seems that I would drop off quickly but the lids just won’t stay shut. Not feeling like doing anything today, or most days actual y, so I wonder if I am doing the right thing. Living by myself, in a foreign country. .I’m wondering if I should rethink this. I wil continue on for my two weeks until I see the doctor and discuss it with him. I am proud to say I stil have gin left! Went to bed around 10pm tonight. Hoping to sleep better I turned on the A/C so I could get under the blankets like I was back home in Oregon in the winter.
Day 5
Final y slept! Woke up once at 4:30am but went right back to sleep then again at 6:30am and kept dozing off and on until 8am. I cal that a successful night! I would like to improve the one out of five ratios though. Seem to feel pretty normal this morning physical y and mental y. When I did wake up at 6:30am, I had diarrhea again. I can’t just blame it on the medication because it has been like this for weeks but not where it wakes me up in sleep.
Today I drank coffee without any strange effects as I had before on the first day. That day it was light, I just took a few shots of tequila or something stronger. This morning it was normal.
On my way to the gym today I noticed my legs felt rubbery like they wanted to buckle. I know they are strong from exercise so I deduce that it can only be the nervous system. I cannot blame this on the recent medication I am taking because I have had this before and recently it has seemed to increase. For years I have had a strange numbness in my legs at times at night. There have been only a few nights or so that I can recal where I have not slept al night because of this strange sensation. It only seems to focus on the legs and feet. I have found with chiropractic manipulation the sensation would disappear for a while so I believe it to be possibly a nerve obstruction.
Did 30 minutes on the el iptical at the gym today and lifted some weights. Felt a lot better and didn’t tire as much as before. I believe my body has adjusted to the medication until the dose is increased. Later in the afternoon I had some whiskey and then went to have a massage again. She real y can cause some pain but I feel better afterwards and the places she seems to have irritated fade away.
I rented a couple of movies and stayed home and had a few whiskeys and a beer. I hit the bed by 11pm and slept pretty soundly until 7am. Another decent night’s sleep! But looking back on this it is only after my body has been adjusting to the medication and I have been drinking more that I started sleeping better.
Day 6
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Sunday morning. Al seem to be going wel ; felt good physical y and mental y. Made some coffee and did some things around the house for a bit then headed downstairs to the soi next to my condo. Every day there are street vendors and shops but on Sundays it doubles in size as a big market. You can buy fresh produce, meat, seafood, fruit, I even saw beds for sale. I walked up and down the soi and noticed the rubbery feeling in my legs again. Quite a frightening feeling when you feel like you might crumple right there in the middle of the street in front of a hundred people. I hope that it is temporary.
I got home at 11am and took a drink of whiskey. It had been in the back of my mind for an hour or so and I final y gave in.
What’s even worse is when I write about it. Then it seems like it gets bigger and more of a problem, not something so easy to hide behind my closed door.
Day 7 & 8
I decided to make a bed today. A bed that I could store things underneath so the maintenance man and I drew up plans to build a metal frame bed that was elevated for storage. Not easy since it’s a king size so has to be real y strong. Took two days and during that time I did not notice any effects of the Topomax or Lexapro anymore. The only time I may feel their effects is when I first take them at night. I’l feel groggy and want to go to bed. Diarrhea has continued to wake me up and continue a few times in the morning before I can leave the house.
Day 9
Slept wel except waking at 4am with diarrhea but went back to sleep until 7am. I left the house at 9:30am to get my visa extension at the hospital. I used the toilet four more times and felt maybe I should have used it more as when I was riding the bus and BTS, I continued to feel a bit “gurgly” al day.
There was a lot of waiting involved for the visa. Final y, we got to immigration and then they took us back to the hospital at 2pm. They said my passport would be back by 5pm. I went to the Tavern on soi 5 where the Americans hang out and they make the best cheeseburgers around, not to mention one of the only places that serve Beerlao. Met a couple of Americans and was lucky to kil a couple of painless hours. Got back to the hospital to get my passport and discovered I only got a three-week visa! I should have gone to Laos like I had planned and got my two months.
Went home and got stopped by my condo by one of the local taxi drivers I know was trying to get me to buy him whiskey, actual y two of them on separate sides of my building. How can these guys openly con you into this and not feel embarrassed? My favorite is when you are walking by and al of a sudden they yel out to you to sit down and have a glass with them. Sometimes I don’t even real y know them but they usual y have seen me around. So I sit down and have just a little. Next thing you know the bottle is empty and they are holding it up and looking at me. I know this trick so I act dumb or get blunt and say, “I see, a Farang walks by and you need a new bottle of whiskey so you invite him for a drink,” Last time I did that I think he knew enough English because he started looking at the ground.
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I ended up getting conned by the taxi driver and soon left when he started asking for more money. Luckily because I know their boss this is happening less al the time. My problem is that I don’t like to say no as often as I should.
I went home and watched Mickey Rourke in “The Wrestler.” A very good movie that I think he did a very good job on. I was impressed by the shape he was in at the age he is and his acting ability was impressive. I had a couple of beers then went to bed about 10pm.
Day 10
Awoke at 4am but managed to get back to sleep and slept until 8am. Yes, I had diarrhea but not as bad as before, at least it didn’t pry me awake at night. Spent the morning on the computer talking to my brother, then headed off to the gym where I did 35 minutes on the el iptical and some leg lifts. I’ve got water-on-the-elbow from an injury a couple of months ago and it seems to be getting worse. Bought some whiskey and vodka and had a few while watching movies then went to sleep. Not knowing that I would wake up in the morning and discover half the bottle of 100 Pipers is gone and half the bottle of vodka. How can I get up without a headache and start writing on my computer at 8am? Years of practice I guess.
Day 11
Perfect night’s sleep. Awoke at 8am to the sun edging through the curtains. Must be a holiday of some sort today. Two marching bands marched down the soi by my condo blaring their horns. Started drinking at 10am and kept pretty consistent al day. Rented a couple of movies and crashed about 11pm. No diarrhea today, in fact I was constipated.
Day 12
Awoke to my computer making a racket. My parents were cal ing me from Arizona. We talked for over half an hour. Mom is going in for a PET scan on Monday to check on her cancer that is in remission. If al is good they wil plan a trip to Thailand in November to see me.
No diarrhea today, it was actual y normal for the first time in many weeks. A couple of hours later it was diarrhea again though.
Day 13
Today is Sunday. Realized I didn’t take my medicine last night so I took it this morning without any problem. I don’t notice it anymore. Talked to my brother a lot today and hung around the neighborhood not going anywhere. Had a few beers and finished off a bottle of some whiskey I had. Pretty boring day. Went to bed about 11pm or so.
Day 14
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Awoke at 4am and had a hard time getting back to sleep. Final y drifted off until 6:45am. Had a 10:45am appointment with the doctor; hoping to strengthen my meds and change to Zoloft. As usual I had diarrhea about four times before I left the house. It is starting to concern me. The days where it seems to go back to normal are very far between now.
Hope it is nothing serious.
Consulting the doctor today, he was concerned about my diarrhea so I have an appointment the next day with a GI and another doctor to look at my elbow that is swel ing with water; looking pretty strange.
Day 15
Had appointments to see two other doctors today. One about my elbow that has fluid on it and another about my constant diarrhea I have had for months. The GI guy did a little with a stethoscope and drew some blood and asked for a stool sample. The blood sample showed no tumors.
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THAILAND . I realize I have a new beginning that can go either way. On the crossroads so to speak where daily decisions wil forge the path I lead. It is very calming to be isolated from the general population to ponder these thoughts. My mind is slowing down without having al the constant stimulation of what you should do and what you are doing. We al grow up with expectations of what we should do with responsibilities of forty-eight years of life, but what we real y need and require stays hidden because of what we are told and what society believes. We entrap ourselves in the progressive wheel of life. We feel wrong by doing what we want because it may not be what others may want for us.
In a few days I wil be heading up north on my own without guidance to Chiang Mai, and then to Myanmar for my visa, then returning to my house in Bangkok to plan future endeavors. At this time my future lies in front of me although I cannot say I have a certain plan at this point. Talking to others about future choices can be refreshing but also can go the other way as others interject their opinions. Should I contact others or go at it solo to experience my own thoughts and not feel directed by others? Time wil tel and I believe I wil know the right time and have the strength in myself to move in the proper direction.
For seven years I have battled with alcoholism that has slowly brought me down. I can think of alcoholism as a bad thing, which is a true observation, but I also have to see it in a positive light. Without it I possibly would have gone on with a course in life that was not my choosing. A prisoner of success, money, and broken relationships. I was fortunate enough to see the “dead end” sign looming at the end of the road and knew it was time to pul out, cut my losses, and focus on getting back to what I once was. My daughter, after many hours of conversations on the phone, pointed out what I once was and how I was as a father. Again I was fortunate enough to have a great daughter and a son that were aged enough to realize life and also to demand me to stop and reassess things. I was a father who always had creativity and too much energy to not make things exciting for them. As the years went by and they grew up, I moved to a different country and settled into a new career I didn’t real y enjoy, but I wanted to travel and the monetary pay off was quite sufficient. In doing that, I fel deeper into myself and drank more and slowly lost enthusiasm for the things I once did, and my focus became alcohol based and activities during work and after were usual y associated with alcohol.
The progression over those years in a foreign environment was gradual, like sitting in a room day after day with the dimmer switch on the light being turned down ever so slightly and before you know it you’re sitting in the dark. At first your dreams and desires seem to be heading in the right direction but slowly fade without realization. One day turns into the next as the months turn into years unnoticed. I remember in the beginning going out and partying until the wee hours of the morning and getting up early on Saturday to drive golf bal s at a driving range, and then visit my friend’s family in the afternoon, and then party in the evening and drag myself to church on Sunday. This went on for about six months before I felt too much pressure and limited my time to drink. So I found myself pushing my church friends away so I could isolate myself for freedom to do what I desired most at that time: drinking.
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I moved to another part of town and severed al ties with the church so I could pursue my habit unencumbered and selfishly. It was more an unconscious decision but the correct one for me at the time as I was taking a break, or so I told myself. I had already gone through two relationships that were distorted from my use of alcohol. Nothing seemed good enough because nothing could fil the empty void except the bottle setting next to me. Afternoons came earlier as time marched on and I knew in the recesses of my brain both in sobriety and inebriation that I needed to stop this behavior.
Here I am many years later at my third alcohol rehab facility trying to regain what I once was and make the proper decisions to help me dig my way out of this hole. I realize some faults of my previous attempts at sobriety which only lasted a few months after a stay at rehab facilities before. I need to know why and what causes my addiction to be triggered. In the past I never real y received counseling on the reason why I drink. After a few months I would revert back to my same destructive pattern out of boredom. I convinced myself that I had conquered my problem and I would be careful this time and drink moderately. It starts out that way but soon accelerates into a place I thought I had left behind. It is something that is never left behind, only lurking under the surface waiting to raise its ugly head.
Alcoholism is not a disease but a learned disorder. There is a controversy about it being both learned and genetic. We can place the blame on many things to avoid the finger pointing at ourselves. We can blame how we were raised, the people that influenced us when we were young, and in most cases our immediate family. Whether they were instrumental in our progression is real y up to us individual y. Many wil blame their parents because one or both of them abused alcohol.
But there is a choice and many have turned away from alcohol to not fol ow the path of their parents where some fol ow. In my case I was surrounded by alcohol as far back as I can remember. Did I choose to fol ow or was it a genetic factor? Genetic or not, it was my cal and I am responsible for the path I took.
My goal here has been to not only stop drinking which I have been successful at, but to stay that way. To stay that way requires a desire but also to understand the triggers that cause you to resume your known way of life and pick up your old friend and embrace him. The inner workings of our mind become set in a certain direction that need to be altered. We need to change, reverse that desire within us, but to do that successful y we need to understand it. Remember we are not dealing with a disease as it is so commonly cal ed, but a negative learned behavior that wil , without a doubt, cause our destruction both physical y and mental y, not to mention spiritual y. So we are aware that it erodes these positive factors yet we keep drinking more and more. Each time we drink it takes more alcohol to numb our feelings and feel more euphoric. As time goes on the euphoric feeling is gone and drinking to oblivion is the only way to real y put those feelings at ease. The next way to feel better and try to regain any feeling is to drink again. That becomes earlier and happens earlier during the day until your waking thought is the cans in the refrigerator or the vodka in the freezer. To think how many mornings vodka was the breakfast of choice.
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My concern when I leave and venture out on my own is wil I be able to recognize triggers that cause me to drink? Many triggers are very apparent as you walk by bars or stores and see al your friends stacked neatly on shelves staring at you ringing bel s in your head that it’s time for a round. The ones that wil be more difficult to discern are the triggers of daily life for the last thirty years. I am feeling a cold coming on so it is time to buy a bottle of whiskey, lemons, and honey to make some hot toddies to drive it away. It does work sad to say but after a couple of toddies it becomes straight shots until it hits the recycling bin. Another is a pain in the muscles or back or even your tooth. Time and experience have told you that the best way of handling this is alcohol to not only numb the pain but with a bonus; it numbs you.
Human emotion is most difficult. So many times after hearing of a problem you don’t want to deal with your friend butts in letting you know that he is your best friend and wil be with you al the way. A loved one dies, you get fired from a job, or your partner in life moves on without you. These are the most critical times to face, and drinking has always been there for me. Cal ing someone who is your support can be difficult because you know that they wil tel you what to do, and that is not to drink. You don’t real y want that in the frame of mind you are in. You want someone to tel you that you are correct and drinking is the best way to get past this. From previous experiences I know the latter not to be true and only makes it worse. Now you have two things to worry about. The situation that made you drink is stil there and you started drinking again. So you can either add more problems to this to make it real y have a bad outcome or you can get passed it without drinking and deal with the situation in a sober mind.
It is important to positively reinforce yourself. When someone offers you a drink don’t just say “not right now” but say “I am sorry, I don’t drink alcohol.” It may sound like something you would not want to ever say, but what it is doing is conditioning yourself. Every time you say it your mind gets conditioned. After some time, it wil become an automatic response that wil just flow out of you.
Writing this brings up some emotions that are difficult to pinpoint and know al the answers to. I just got back from a walk a few blocks away where there is an abandoned gas station. It was closed down some time ago as gas pumps were instal ed on the roadside by entrepreneurs with little overhead. These abandoned gas stations dot the rural highway.
Lonely places forgotten and home to only pigeons and wild vegetation.
Like that abandoned station I am closed down ready for a new opening of sorts. Walking around it I don’t only see a shel of a building crumbling to ruin but a possibility for a new creation. Everything is there, a good foundation to build something new. We need to look at that in a different light. I may feel abandoned without hope or I can know that I have a firm foundation to build something new whatever it is. We are al here for a reason and many times in life we need to re- access our lives and know that we can change and rebuild.