Chapter 2: Surround Yourself With Love
“Every relationship is an opportunity for growth.” – Coach Corey Wayne
When it comes to Emotional Wealth and stability, resulting in emotional riches, love is the linchpin.
As William James points out, “the deepest principle in human nature is the craving to be appreciated.”
The innate human desire to be loved is the driving force behind almost everything we do. Filling and surrounding yourself with the love and affection of others, both physically and spiritually, gives you the emotional bandwidth to live a life of success.
Without love, there is no emotional stability. Without emotional stability, there is no emotional positivity. Without emotional positivity, there are no emotional riches. Without emotional riches, there is no Emotional Wealth.
In addition, it’s the pursuit of love that actually forces us to grow and adapt.
In order to attract the kind of love we want, we first need to emulate that love. In doing so, we become better people who are more aligned with our personal visions and goals.
As with the networking above, it’s imperative that you build an emotional support system around you. It acts as your emotional armor, and protects you against the variability of life.
Think of love as the government backing of your emotional bank account. No matter how risky the emotional environment may get, it doesn’t matter, as long as you know that you have the loving support of those around you.
Love is Personal
There is no greater love than that felt by, or given to, a significant other whom you truly enjoy. This person’s your partner in crime, and shares with you all of your lofty endeavors.
And although many – if not all – of us strive to connect with that special someone, it really begins with a personal journey of self-discovery.
You have to be the type of person you want to attract. Period.
As with anything in life, it all starts with a vision. Who is it that you see yourself with? Are they similar to you? Opposite? Do they push you forward, or do you take pleasure in mentoring them? Maybe both?
What hair color do they have? How tall are they? Skin color? Are they athletic or are they a homebody?
What drives them? What are their ambitions? Are they career focused, or intent on starting a family? Do they like to travel, read, stay active, or all of the above?
Truly understanding what you want in your significant other will give your life clarity beyond anything you can imagine.
Will you end up with this ideal person? Maybe, but not absolutely.
It’s entirely possible – and potentially likely – that in your process of defining your ideal significant other, and then going out into the world and finding him or her, you’ll realize that you might value some qualities higher than you initially thought. Some lower.
You might be blindsided by a person never on your radar, but after meeting them, all you can think about is their positive qualities and uplifting spirits.
Regardless, by defining your ideal person, you really begin to reflect on your own life: Why do I value these traits and qualities? What does it say about my own life? Do I have even have these traits myself?
Those, my friend, are the million-dollar questions!
Do I have or emulate the traits I want in another person? If not (i.e. if you’re attracted to opposites), do I have the types of traits that would attract my ideal person?
This act of self-reflection is the first step to self-improvement.
Once you’ve identified your ideal traits in a partner, it’s time to go work on becoming the type of person who would attract them.
If you value someone who is fit and active, you better be exercising regularly. If you value nutrition, you better not have Oreos in the cupboard (however good they are!). If you value knowledge and consistent learning, you better turn off the TV and start reading. If you value a career-driven partner, you better have a vision for your own career.
You get my point. Much like how Gandhi reminds us that you have to be the change you want to see in the world, you have to become the person you want to be with. As you begin to own your true self, and work toward the traits you want, you’ll start to notice that you attract higher quality people into your life.
What’s immensely important to note here is that through self-improvement you might be attracting people into your life, but it’s up to you to go find those who will be attracted to you.
90% of success is showing up, and when it comes to love, you’re not going to find it sitting on your couch. Use the principles learned from the networking portion of your Emotional Wealth to go out and meet people.
Through your reference experiences of meeting people, you’ll begin to gain the skills and traits you’ve been looking for.
Think of it this way: If you’re reading this book, then we might assume that the person you want to be with is someone who is outgoing, driven, happy, and passionate. To attract them into your life, you have to show the same qualities to the world.
Well, how are you going to do that? You need to go out and have social experiences. You’ll learn nothing and build zero Emotional Wealth if you aren’t interacting with people.
In order to be outgoing, you need to practice your social skills. In order to be driven, you need to rub elbows with other driven people and trade ideas with other success-minded individuals. In order to be happy and passionate, you need to have real experiences that push your emotions higher.
If you’re too shy to put yourself out there, I suggest starting small. Hang out with friends and use them as an emotional security blanket. As you get more comfortable in the local social scene, start saying hi to strangers. Just a warm hello. Maybe a quick compliment on their attire, but that’s all.
You’ll start to realize that other people are, well, people. Once this realization occurs, you can start having longer conversations with strangers. Keep it light, keep it fun, and never come off as over-eager.
You’ll begin to notice how much better your social skills are becoming. Remember, everything is a learned skill, even your social skills.
Then, when your ideal partner comes along, you’ll be so used to talking to people, and so used to who you are, that it won’t even faze you. You’ll be that outgoing, driven, happy, and passionate person without even knowing it, and the person of your dreams will think to themselves, “I need to spend time with this person.”
“Put who you are out into the world and accept whatever comes back. If you love any other way, it is attached, needy love. Real love is none of those things.”
– Coach Corey Wayne
The point is that you need to put yourself out there and have social interactions with people in order to find the love you deserve. It’s so important that I’m going to write it again:
You need to put yourself out there and have social interactions with people in order to find the love you deserve.
Through this discovery process you’ll increase your emotional riches and your Emotional Wealth. Make the goal of meeting new people and finding your significant other as important as your loftiest goal.
Remember: every personal relationship is a chance for growth.
Partners in Crime
I’m sure you can sense a theme here. Love is the catalyst for self-growth and self-discovery. When it comes to Emotional Wealth, there are no riches without any love.
But, if you don’t have a significant other, don’t fret!
Again, it’s the discovery process that is as important as anything. So as long as you’re making zero excuses, putting yourself out there, and actively meeting people, you will be increasing your Emotional Wealth.
There will come a time, however, discovery process or not, when you find your significant other; you find your partner in crime.
This is the second catalyst of love, and sends you down an entirely new path of growth and discovery. Through this other person, you begin to understand how to truly love someone, how to truly love yourself, and ultimately, how to love the life you live.
Nhat Hahn once said, “You must love in such a way that the person you love feels free.”
This is so true. When it comes to love, true Emotional Wealth is loving a person so much that you want nothing more than to let them grow in the way that is best for them.
Love isn’t stifling, love is expanding.
Love is as much about being loved as giving love. Your emotions are highly correlated not only with how people think about you, but how you think about other people.
Loving your significant other is a relationship in which you need to give love, with no expectation of anything in return. When you focus on understanding love in this way, your entire emotional ecosystem will change. Your emotional riches will sky rocket.
Through this new definition of love, you’ll build a relationship of interdependence that allows you to both rely on each other heavily, and at the same time not need each other at all.
You’ll realize that, as Coach Corey Wayne says, “you need to go through life, give your gift, give your presence, and give who you are.”
Your significant other will get that. They will understand you. They too will want you to grow in ways that are best for you. In that regard, you’ll have a true pillar of emotional stability and positivity, and you will be truly rich emotionally.
Your relationship should be one that is constantly forcing you to evolve and grow. It keeps your emotions engaged by always expanding. You should feel like the person you are today is better than the person you were yesterday, due in large part to the person you have by your side.
You’re on a team. One that is made up of two people who can function just fine on their own, but can also help each other reach heights never thought possible.
This feeling of love that allows you to be whoever you are, or pursue who it is you want to become, is Emotional Wealth.
Keep It In The Family
Your family and friends, like your partner in crime, are also integral parts of your Emotional Wealth. Although your significant other could very well be the most important person in your life emotionally, your family and friends are an emotional support system unlike any other.
I think of them as the “crash webbing” of your emotional stability. No matter how fast or slow you’re going in life, your family and friends will be there to watch your back, give you encouragement, help you grow, and will always be there when you fail.
While the type of love described previously is one that grows over time, the love amongst your friends and family is established, unconditional, and ever-present.
They’re a part of your network that will always be there. They may or may not be the five people you spend the most time with, but they are the people you turn to in times of need or times of encouragement. They’re the five people who you call the most, both when times are tough and when times are great.
For me, my parents have always shown this kind of love and support. I’m lucky, I know.
When I graduated from college, I had literally no clue what I wanted to do with my life, and had zero understanding of how the world operated. Again, lucky me.
I figured out early on that entrepreneurship, although I didn’t even have a firm grasp of what that term meant, was what I was destined for. At the time, it was the allure of being your own boss that drove me, and working from wherever you wanted.
Because of this entrepreneurial desire, I couldn’t really keep a job. Self-limiting belief, I know. What I mean is that I really didn’t want to keep a job.
I would work at a place for 6 months to a year, hate it after the first 90 days, and then quit with no real plan. I’d scramble and find another job in the field of finance, and repeat the same cycle.
I managed a Target, worked for a startup, and was a bookkeeper, all before I entered the investment finance world, which ultimately started the journey I described in the foreword.
The point is that through my first two to three years in the professional world, I had a few highs (thinking I actually liked a job for the first few months), followed by many lows (realizing I hated it, and then eventually quitting, with no plan). Through this roller coaster, the two constants were my parents.
No matter how much I complained, how quickly I quit, or how nonexistent my plan was, my parents were there to cheer me on and pick me up when I fell.
They encouraged me to continue my pursuit of finding what I loved. They allowed me to believe that entrepreneurship was possible, through their unwavering love and support.
Without them, I wouldn’t have become the person I am today. Without them, I wouldn’t be writing this book (although maybe that would be for the better, I’ll let you decide).
Today I’m happy. I still have a ways to go, as we all do, but I stand here today, happy, because of their loving support.
So while the love of a life-long partner is one part of love, the other part is the love I just described, the unwavering support and joy from your friends and family.
The same principles apply, however, to encompass all meanings.
Give your love with no expectation of a return. Love your family and friends and be their emotional crash webbing. Be there when times are tough, and congratulate them when times are good.
I remember a friend of mine who, at the time, had just broken up with his girlfriend of three years. They had been living together, moved to San Francisco together, and had even worked together. I’m sure the relationship had been good at times, but it’s easy to see that it failed due to a dependent love rather than an interdependent love.
Regardless of the dependency, my friend was broken up about it, and needed me to take him out for a drink. I remember it like it was yesterday, because I was so tired from working on my side business, that I wanted to cancel.
Selfish, I know, but hey, it’s your actions that matter, not necessarily your thoughts.
Despite my reluctance, I manned up and met him, with the only intention of making him feel better. What resulted was a three-hour conversation about life, love, and the pursuit of happiness that literally changed my life.
It was through this conversation that I realized I wanted to help people, and spread ideas that could change lives. Still working on it, of course, but the conversation we had was a defining moment in my life.
I entered the night with the focus of putting my friend’s mind at ease (and I like to think that I did), but what I received was just as valuable, if not more so. I received clarity, and all because I focused on giving help and love to my network of friends.
By focusing in this way, you not only strengthen your love of the world, but you build trust among those who will be there for you when it’s your turn to need congratulations or crash webbing.
Use the principles learned from networking and build a network of unconditional love. Combine the two and create a strong community of people who are pushing you forward and truly invested in helping you succeed.
In turn, ensure that you are invested in helping those you love succeed.
In doing so, you’ll create an emotional ecosystem of uplifting emotions so strong that you can’t help but be emotionally rich, and you’ll have laid the foundation for true Emotional Wealth.