Happiness and sadness are edges of the same sword!
Fall, 1979
I had just turned thirty. Bob was still in his twenties. Even though we were both working toward the American Dream, neither of us forgot about the voice that I now referred to as “The Boys.” This was not a male or female thing, since I always believed the voice I heard was somewhere in between. It was simply easier to refer to the voice as “The Boys.”
The car accident changed how I perceived life and death. Having realized there was no such thing as death, I saw the importance of my walk with added clarity. I had wandered off my path several times during my life when material things became more important than my spiritual walk. I knew the human condition would always present that option, but I did my best to remember those experiences that provided my happiest moments.
I hadn’t practiced meditation for some time. But during one of my last meditations, I came to learn from The Boys that the process of meditation was not always required in order to get to the place where the answers were found. I’m referring to the act of meditating. I had come to learn that I only needed to invite The Boys into my own consciousness and the answers would come as soon as a question was put forth. It was as if The Boys and I had become one entity, both in a conscious and subconscious way. Since that time, whenever I had a question, the answer seemed to follow—like the question was the answer! It was truly remarkable.
Bob had seen me in a different light since the incident at the lake that occurred in our childhood. I was always amused when he would come to me and say, “Jerry, I have this friend I want you to meet. He thinks just like you, and he talks about all the same stuff. You have to get together with him.”
This happened more often since the car accident. I shared what happened with him, and we both rekindled our memory of the voice that saved his life that day at the lake. He became more fervent than ever in his desire to acquaint me with friends he would meet, in an effort to bring us together to share common understandings. Bob would call at least twice a month regarding someone new, and I never questioned him or his intent.
He would tell me over and over again, “You know, Jer, I don’t understand this stuff like you do, but I know it when I see it,” and I knew he did.
We shared a lot since my out-of-body experience and discussed what I learned through meditation on an ongoing basis. There was so much I had come to know, and my greatest joy was to share it with Bob. It was these understandings he learned to see in others. I think it made Bob feel closer to understanding it himself.
I loved Bob’s heart because it was pure as the driven snow. In all the years I’ve known my brother, he has always been the most decent person I have ever known. He is as honest as the day is long, kind-hearted to a fault, and loves everyone. He is such a gift to this planet.
Bob married at a young age and had two beautiful children. I was honored when he asked me to be the godfather of his firstborn, and she has been just an angel. I found myself in my first responsible role as an adult with regard to children. There isn’t a whole lot required of a godfather; however, I did have to commit to being there for her if anything happened to Bob. It was one of the proudest moments of my life.
As it turned out, after many years of marriage, Bob divorced. He moved on in his life and remarried again several years later. He never stopped bringing people into my life since he always believed in the truth of what we had experienced together, and his pursuit of that truth was still paramount in his life. After all, the experience at the lake was as emblazoned in his memory as it was in mine.
I remember one instance when Bob and I drove to New Jersey one weekend to meet a guy with whom he was working. Bob was in the computer industry dealing with hardware, and his friend was a superior he reported to on a daily basis. I was happy for Bob because I had never seen him so excited about introducing me to someone as he was now. As soon as we got in the car, Bob began a conversation that didn’t stop until we reached our destination, some three hours later. When we arrived, he rang the bell, and we were invited inside.
“Jerry,” began Bob, “This is Jake. I’ve told him so much about you, and you about him. I thought it was important for you two to get together.”
We shook hands and went into his living room, where I met his wife. We sat down, shared some coffee, and watched the conversation unfold. Bob was the first to speak since he always seemed to be the catalyst for things to get started. He was more excited than anyone else in the room.
“Jake, I told you what happened to Jerry and me as kids at the lake. Things have continued to change, and based on our conversations, there’s much you and Jerry need to talk about. I don’t understand it like you two do, but I know it when I see it.”
Bob was so honest, he inspired me to always be myself. Jake,” I started, “Bob mentioned you’ve had experiences similar to ours.”
“Not quite the same as you, but experiences, nonetheless,” he replied.
“What kind of things?” I asked.
“I’ve studied a little of this and that and have come to some conclusions that might be similar to yours,” he answered.
I was beginning to feel uncomfortable. It never took me but a few questions to see the truth in others. It wasn’t something I practiced; instead, it was more like a gift. I was able to see clearly what was presented to me and distinguish immediately if it was true or not. With Jake it felt like work from the onset. The normal excitement I felt when meeting people seemed strained here. Jake struck me as a businessman who kept his cards close to his vest, which forced me to ask more direct questions.
“So what exactly have you come to understand?”
“Well, you know, I’ve read some books that I believe are responsible for me walking a different path than I did just a few years ago,” he replied. “Bob seemed to resonate with what he and I talked about.”
“What were those things, Bob?” I asked, as I was still struggling to get the conversation going.
“Jerry, Jake thinks the same way you do about what you talk about: truth, integrity, peace of mind, and especially meditation. Jake’s been meditating for years.”
Now at least I had something to work with. I liked to talk with others about my search for The Place. Even though the search was not as intense as it once was, my interest never waned.
“Jake, what kind of meditation do you practice, and can you share what your experiences have been?” I asked.
“Oh, sure,” he began. “I learned from a partner of mine through a biofeedback project we have going on. He has a machine with electronic sensors that attach to the front of your forehead.
They help you reach a degree of relaxation that will eventually enable you to reach the Alpha state, where meditation is said to occur,” he said.
I quickly became very interested in this idea. I wondered if training with it could actually help someone achieve what had taken me nine months to experience.
“Let me get it for you, and you can try it out,” he said. Moments later he entered the room with a small wooden box with several wires protruding from it. He pressed a small button on the front, and a light went on. ”The battery seems to be okay,” he stated emphatically.
He quickly explained to me how it worked. “If you tense up the frontal muscles of your forehead, the machine will begin to sound like a Geiger counter, increasing in volume as the tension in your muscles increase,” he began. “With practice, you can relax to where it becomes quiet. When that happens, it represents a state of relaxation that will enable you to achieve a state of meditation.”
“I’d love to try it,” I said.
He set the box next to me and then coated the electrodes with a salve before affixing them across my forehead. He showed me several buttons that would adjust the sensitivity levels of the machine.
“I think we’d better start off at the easiest level,” I said smiling, since I had no idea what to expect. In principle it all made sense, but I needed to try it for myself to see how it worked.
He pushed a button, and a noise emanated from the box.
“The more you relax, the easier it will be for you to control the sound,” he said.
I did my best to work with the machine and was able to reduce the speed of the clicking noise to a much slower rate. Even at this lowest level, however, I couldn’t get the sound to completely stop. After several moments I removed the headband and handed it back to Jake.
“I guess this is easier when practiced in the quiet of one’s own home,” I said.
“That’s true,” he replied. “With enough practice, you can actually measure the levels of consciousness based on the levels of relaxation you can achieve.”
“That sounds like it could be the answer to a lot of people’s issues with regard to learning how to meditate,” I answered.
“We’re developing this machine for just that purpose and hope to have it on the market within a year or so,” he replied.
“And have you or your partner achieved higher levels of consciousness with this device?” I asked.
“He has reached one of the higher levels,” he answered. “I’m still working on it.”
“What did you experience during your last meditation?” I asked, hoping my question would lead to my sharing what I had experienced in the mists.
“A very relaxed state, but nothing more than that,” he replied. “But I’m looking forward to it when it happens.”
I would be a liar if I said I wasn’t disappointed. I wanted very much to share what I had experienced in my meditations with someone who had a similar experience.
“You can take this with you and try it out,” he offered, and I accepted. We talked for what seemed like hours before Bob and I made our way home.
Bob was excited about the machine, and I was looking forward to working with it further, but I didn’t know if it would reveal any additional secrets.
As I said earlier, I had not meditated in some time, but I did miss the process and I thought this was the perfect excuse to get back to it. Every day Bob would call to ask if I had had any luck with Jake’s biofeedback machine. I hadn’t tried it since bringing it home two weeks earlier, so I decided to take it out of the box and give it a test drive.
After some time, I did achieve a more relaxed state. But as I went deeper into a relaxed state, I found myself focusing more on the level of my relaxation based on the feedback from the machine, and it was difficult for me to move beyond that. It was as though I was learning about meditation from the beginning, and the box was more of a distraction than anything else. That having been said, I did see some wonderful uses for the device, and relaxation was certainly one of them.
As I removed the strap from my forehead, I remembered reading about people in other parts of the world who spent their whole life meditating while walking a spiritual journey. It was said these people had the ability to go into their meditations focusing on nothing more than their own breathing. I began to consider how that could work and wondered if it would yield a different result than my current experience of The Boys. It must be like losing yourself in an orange, I thought to myself, but instead, you would simply allow the breathing process to replace the orange and take you to the level of consciousness I had eventually achieved.
I missed experiencing the mists since inviting The Boys into my consciousness, so I decided to focus on my breathing in order to experience them as I had in the past. I focused on my diaphragm, breathing in the same way as the time I focused on the orange. It soon became the process. As my breathing became slower, I found myself in a deep state of relaxation. I was the air coming into my body. I was the body expanding and contracting. My body and the process became one and the same, and I could watch it from above as I transcended into the mist.
As I floated upward into the clouds, I began to feel very happy, almost giddy, and I soon remembered how it was when I first experienced the mists. As the timeless moments continued, an answer came toward me that was different from any other I had experienced. It was a very bright white light that seemed to approach and then encompass me.
“It is good to be one with you again on this plane,” came the thought.
It has been a while, I found myself thinking.
“Are you finding what you seek in life?” came the next thought.
I thought of The Place I had been searching for over the years, and the next thought came through as clearly as if the words had been spoken.
“If you seek that truth in your heart, then you will find it.”
I was full of light and a deep sense of love and understanding. “I would not change anything about my walk or my experiences, and I know you’re always within me,” I replied.
“We will always be with you,” answered the voice. “You have seen much through your compassionate self, and the love in your heart will always be your guide.”
There was something I wanted to ask—something very important. It was something I had been asking myself since I was six years old, and I had to know. There was no sound, simply a thought.
“Are you the voice I heard when my brother was drowning those many years ago?”
“We have always been with you, as we are with all beings everywhere. We are not always with you in the conscious sense, as we have been since being invited into your consciousness, but we have always been with you as we are with all life. You are a gift, as are all beings that come to experience their walk for the evolution of All That Is.”
The question had been answered—not directly, mind you—but clearly enough for me to know the truth. In my heart I felt a joy I had never known before. I didn’t remember coming back from my meditation and didn’t have a clue how long I had been gone, but when I opened my eyes, it was morning.
I talked with Bob several times that week. One morning I was about to pick up the phone and tell him my insights regarding the biofeedback machine when the phone rang. It was Bob, and he sounded very upset.
“Bob,” I began, “what’s the matter?”
“Jake got divorced a month ago, so I invited him up last week to meet my wife and spend some downtime with us. I thought a change of pace would do him good. We went to the airport to pick him up, and as soon as my wife saw him, a change came over her. I didn’t want to admit it at the time, but something happened. She’s different now, and I just don’t understand.”
“Understand what, Bob?”
“We went to dinner, and the whole time we were there, all she did was stare at him. It was as though she was mesmerized by him,” he answered.
“Mesmerized how, Bob?” I asked.
“Jerry, I think she’s fallen for him.”
I didn’t say a word because I didn’t know what to say. I waited a few more minutes and asked, “What did she say to you?”
“She said she thinks she’s in love with him and wants to go and visit him.”
“When did she tell you that?” I asked.
“On Wednesday,” he replied. “She’s leaving tomorrow morning.”
He was devastated. He’d been married for only a short time, and for this to happen so soon after being married was very hard for him to accept, never mind understand. Bob was always a gentle spirit. He was so overwhelmed with defeat, he couldn’t see past the moment to consider whether or not his marriage could be saved. It appeared as though he’d already given up.
“Are you sure she’s going down to see him?” I asked.
“I saw the ticket he bought for her,” he replied through his tears.
“Have you spoken to Jake about it?” I asked.
“I don’t want to talk to him. The fact that he’s going along with the whole thing tells me what kind of friend he is.”
I knew what he meant. He was learning a valuable lesson, and it was painful. ”Bob,” I began, “I know how difficult this is for you right now, but try to understand that life is simply an experience that is necessary to satisfy your needs. All our experiences are meant for the bigger picture, even though we may not have a clue what that picture is. What you are going through is not unlike the tuition we pay for the education we receive as we move forward toward a new beginning. It teaches us to recognize the truth more readily next time, instead of taking for granted what is presented to us. It’s hard for anyone to know who they are if they haven’t taken the time to go within to actually see that truth. If one doesn’t go within, then what exactly can we expect them to present to us—or anyone else, for that matter?”
Bob was divorced two months later. It was such a sad thing for me to watch him go through again; however, he was in good spirits when we met to go to his apartment north of Boston to pick up his things.
“Is she going to be there?” I asked.
“Yes, but it’s all right,” he replied. “I’m okay with seeing her again. I’m actually relieved the guessing game is over. She told me things between her and Jake didn’t work out.”
I watched as he sat in the car, thinking. He seemed preoccupied as we drove up the highway.
“I’m just glad to be getting on with my life in an honest way, without any deception,” he said.
I knew how badly he’d been hurt, but that one statement showed signs of growth and evolution.
“Acceptance of truth is the first step toward healing,” I said.
We arrived at the apartment and went inside. Our greeting with his ex-wife was cordial. I could see by the expression on his face that he still loved her very much, but he had also come to grips with the truth that he had to move on for his own sake. We placed his belongings in the car and began the ride home. As soon as we hit the street outside the complex, Bob began yelling at me.
“Stop the car!” he said. “Stop the car!”
I turned to see what was wrong, not knowing what to expect. “I got it!” he yelled. He turned to me with excitement in his heart and tears in his eyes. He took me by my arms and looked deeply into my eyes and repeated his words, softer this time. “I got it!”
I knew exactly what he was talking about. For years he never truly understood what I had shared with others, even though he recognized it when he saw it. But for some reason it just didn’t compute with him. He always felt somewhat disconnected from what others understood, but it appeared his light was clearly on now! I asked him two simple questions and waited for the answers.
“It’s all about the gift I am and what I have to share as a spirit being. I know now that I’m one of a kind, a treasure, just like every other being in the universe. I truly do understand, Jerry.” He reached toward me and we hugged for the longest time, as I quickly realized he finally understood. After all these years of watching others celebrate the understanding, he had finally become the truth of his walk, and that would be his—forever! Bob is an amazing being.
He would eventually marry once more, and that marriage, although difficult in the early years, turned out to be the most wonderful relationship he would ever know. His new wife truly loved his gifts. They would end up with three beautiful children, who are now almost all grown up! If there is one person with whom I could celebrate this life, it would be Bob. We spent so much of it together that I couldn’t imagine life without him. And even though we now live some distance apart from one another, we are as close as we ever were, remembering the early days when our whole world was sledding down hills and discovering new worlds in the woods outside the front door of our house at 770 East Street.