To Be or Not to Be Single? That's the Question? by Dame DJ - HTML preview

 

PART 1

THE BEGINNING

 

Being married for life, to one woman, working for life for her, and her offspring, was not a man's idea, as an animal with 2% difference in DNA to a chimp, would not come up with such a concept, and had he done, his fellow cave inmates would have crushed his skull, and made toothpicks from his splintered ribs.

Thousands of years of cultural evolution, setbacks, famine, war and rebuilding societies, thrived and then conceived of the institution of marriage, mainly to protect the mother and the children, and now we are struggling with it.

Without decades of planning, women would have been herded up for Friday nights, shagged and eaten if they got old and fat... No, sorry, the opportunity to 'get fat' came after the concept of marriage, when he killed the beast and brought it home.

The harem came way before the 'one-on-one' marriage, a man had to be rich and successful to defend and feed more than one woman and children.

Only having the one wife was like only having the one cow - a bad bet, very risky, ineffective, but it’s become the norm and very happy we all are... aren't we all happy?

Fact: Playboy magazine has never released a copy with only one woman on all the pages.

Fact: Men don't feel guilty about turning those pages.

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"Women hunt husbands, men hunt sex, then become husbands. Think hook/worm/fish, then lunch."

The goal of marriage 'in the shortest possible time' is probably one of the most risky and dangerous moves a person can ever make and the way relationships, and marriage is now moving is different for both sexes.

The urgent emphasis on securing a partner hides the devastating agony felt by both parties, and kids, when that arrangement doesn't work out.

The divorce rate is soaring, so are the Internet online dating sites, and they feed off each other.

'Romance' is the hard pre sale, but after that, all the truth comes out.

A percentage of human beings should be carrying government warnings on their foreheads, as they are simply not equipped to be good husbands, wives, fathers or mothers.

It's not all black and white out there, but a million shades of grey, and truthfully, no one person can ever satisfy all the needs of another, so compromises have to be reached.

Unrealistic expectations, deep disappointments, the boring reality of domestic life, and financial pressures are factors written into affidavits, and it's making the lawyers rich.

In an organised society deeply embedded with religious beliefs, the institution of marriage was to take on responsibility, feed and protect the children, respect and value family roles, commitment and stay the course.

We are now undermining all of that. Fact: Until you are actually married you are still just another 'date'.

Fact: Your opinion of your partner is distorted by orgasms, but your friends and family’s opinion of them is not.

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Basic physical attraction is visual, it's the way nature designed us for selecting survival skills, breeding, and genetic enhancement e.g. long legs to run, good teeth to chew, and two eyes in the right place, and if a person is considered beautiful it's endlessly seductive.

No one looks for the twisted, mangled, spotty people, and the beauty industry is promoting looks and health levels that are almost unattainable.

We need blood tests before marriage in many countries, but it won't be long before we will need to present a genetic printout showing up family problems.

The eyes assimilate a lot of data, but they cannot translate all that into a 'personality'.

A person sees a culture, a type, a style, an age, or size, but it takes time to understand the personality of whom you are dealing with.

The emphasis on romance and popularity has become too ego based, ego enhancing, flattering, and manipulative. Its short term and trivial.

The basic principals of dealing with each other as human beings gets confused when sex and romance enter the room; the lines get tangled, and priorities get mixed up.

Nothing we are experiencing is new. We live in an age of technology, strong visual images and instant gratification, but it’s all been done before. The past is not outdated.

In this guide we are attempting to unravel a few fundamentals, putting forward some common sense, old-fashioned manners and basic values.

Fact: Other women look at the size of your engagement ring, and then they look over at him.

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LOVE

Love is a wonderful thing, and better than any face cream.

It's a powerful emotion, unique, unfathomable, and strikes us out of nowhere while we search for its secret place but we cannot find love, love finds us. That’s why you 'fall in love'. You do actually 'fall'.

Flirting and seduction get a person noticed, and promoting that is a huge industry that advertising agents apply all those qualities globally, to any and every product imaginable.

Homes, holidays, furniture, clothes, perfumes, entertainment, insurance, marriage and divorce are all centered on the union between a couple.

That’s what I call a 'big employer'.

As the market place become more competitive, earnings fall, profits fall, so the dumbing down of marketing takes place to shock and attract the largest audiences, so naturally it includes more sex. Sex sells.

We live immersed, overwhelmed and flooded with messages that have become the new normal, and it's the children who are absorbing it all unconsciously .

By visually demonstrating more sexually than we are comfortable with, we are cheapening it, losing respect, and giving it a position it does not deserve. Sex is not the most important thing in life. (Shopping is:)

It draws in the wrong partner for the wrong reasons.

The oldest profession in the world - prostitution - takes care of those who desire this 'service'. It is a 'service' industry, executed, and paid for, by two consenting adults.

Two people should be on an equal footing, interacting with humour, intelligence, honesty and no hidden agenda. Not every man is a semen donor, and not every woman is his pole dancer, and they should not act or be treated as such.

It’s called dignity.

Only a couple of generations ago beauty and elegance were comfortably out of reach of the masses. It was the domain of Hollywood stars, and we were all happier for it.

They never looked real, domestic, pushed shopping carts, carried children or exposed sex tapes for fame. They didn't need to. It was all about damage control, but now the 'damage' has been marketed like some kind of achievement. It’s sickening.

A manicure was something the French did, we hated salads, never exercised, suntanned all summer, danced, laughed and pizza was an exotic dish from the men from Italy with greasy hair.

There were no shortcuts to fame, popularity, riches, position or happiness.

Gracious acceptance and gratitude were our companions.

Fact: Getting married then ending up looking like the 'housekeeper' will ensure you become one.

Fact: Having a young, fit au pair around the house won't help your future much either.

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"Make yourself happy darling" said a patient husband one day.

This partner changing business is a great deal of upheaval, costs a fortune, makes the lawyers rich, and ruins Christmas.

Being single again is about learning about yourself, other people and where you fit in solo. You are no longer automatically invited, listened to, taken home, paid for, or even telephoned again. It’s brutal.

All that theoretical marital support that took years to build is gone within a couple of strokes of a pen, a petition filed and a scrappy declaration of 'Decree Absolute' a few weeks later. I am yet to see anyone frame up their divorce Decree Absolute.

You are left to your own devices, your own shortcomings, your own insecurities, and time is not on your side.

The good news is the glass is half full. Being single again is not climbing Everest, rowing the Pacific or crossing the Lower Nile, but it will take some planning and effort.

It’s all about becoming consumed with something new, interesting, to avoid the deep holes of self-pity, abandonment, and Prozac is not the answer-it's expensive.

No prescription drugs are ever permitted for any reason. Cry, scream, moan and wail all you want. It will pass but prescription drugs are a life sentence of another type of pain and suffering.

The average person has no training, is not emotionally, or mentally equipped to deal with a divorce or suddenly being alone, so think, and think again, before leaping into marriage.

Fact; Marriage is a prerequisite to divorce.

Fact; Divorce is not an 'opt out' clause and you can't return your partner with a receipt.

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THE TURNING POINT.

The question of whether to be single, or stay married, is one about 60% of married couples ask themselves every day. They simply don't know. It's an emotional roller coaster of ups and downs, and then another day passes.

Are you 51% happy, or 51% miserable? Its Simple math’s.

Take a pen and paper, mark down the hours in the day over the period of a week, and mark each hour 'happy' or 'miserable'. Add them up at the end of the week, and there is your clear answer.

The point at which a relationship had turned the corner, become more negative than positive, is an impossible place to pinpoint.

If you had been bonded by love it's not glue that can be easily unstuck, no matter how many miserable days you have together.

Hold on tight to love as it lingers for years, and you cannot wish it away, wash it off, or date with a free heart.

If your marriage is causing you to lose your composure, health, sanity, youth or career, its time to start re-evaluating your circumstances.

It's your decision and no one wants to take responsibly for it, as the consequences are all yours.

No one wants the blame for giving you the wrong advice; it's your life so you decide your path.

Leaving a relationship has repercussions, especially for children, and someone has to shoulder the responsibility for that.

You made the mistake, now you take the consequences, and really, who cares if you are happy or not?

The well-being of the children comes first, and you are now there to facilitate them as best you can.

However...

If there are no kids, pack, post, buy a ticket and run a mile.

Pain and pleasure are linked, but this does not mean you should alternate between them both forever.

Across the globe the daily struggle for survival, getting enough food, war, illness, drought, etc., has been replaced in the West with 'emotional anxieties'.

Its dangerous, often self-inflicted, and it’s destabilising our lives.

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TRUTH AND HONESTY

If you are making a life-changing decision based on a relationship, you need to know all the facts before formulating a final judgment.

Think with your head and your heart. Apparently the heart sends more information to the brain than visa versa.

If you are not sure, don't act. Wait.

Sympathy runs out, and it won't help you if you were warned about your partner but chose to play deaf.

'Exaggeration' and 'lying' are two different things. One is theatrical, attention seeking and a personality trait; the other is fraudulent, misleading and sometimes genetic.

Avoid partners who are liars at all times; they are insulting your intelligence.

Fact: You can pick up a liar’s body language and not even realise it. It’s called being 'suspicious'.

Fact: The truth always comes out, because it exists.

Fact: Deceit is all over the animal kingdom - it's their tool - they are either the 'hunters' or the 'hunted'.

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COMMUNICA TIONS

One of the greatest problems with 'communication' is trust. Who is the right person to talk to?

It’s one of the hardest things to find, and women have to find the strength of their sisterhood, the pool of love and knowledge they share and support each other so they should spend more time together, and less time with the men.

Until women, in unison, refuse to entertain, flirt, sleep with or steal another woman's husband, real sisterhood cannot be achieved.

Married men must be off limits, and the men need to know that. Stealing married partners must be off limits.

Unless there is truth it will backfire, they will never trust each other and with good reason. It's a vicious cycle.

Men form strong bonds with each other, have a code, respect their mates, value the time they spend together, and should stay away from other men’s wives.

Unless a person is single, they are completely off limits.

Their marriage and their divorce is none of your business as a lover as you are a 3rd party and should not invited in by one of them.

Don't interfere with the fate of others unless you want bad karma.

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FRIENDS

What is a friend? When does an acquaintance become a friend? When does a friend turn back into an acquaintance?

Single people need friends even more, but sharing secrets is not the basis of a friendship.

It’s called 'conspiratorial'. It’s dangerous, it's not real bonding and it doesn't last.

Fact: You have no insight into the future, or longevity of any relationship so be discreet.

Fact: Keep the embarrassing confessions to yourself as your friends never really asked to hear them.

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FAMILY.

Talking should involve the closest people to you at decision times but unfortunately too often it's not your family.

It's a problem, but it saves them the burden of worry, embarrassment, sorrow or anger that you now have a life-changing decision to make if you are getting divorced.

Fact: Genetic links don't mean you can agree on things.

Fact: Your siblings were born to compete with you in the nest. It never stops so don't expect any sympathy from them.

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HOW TO DEAL WITH IT

Becoming single, divorced, separated or alone again is worse than puberty. It’s brutal; there is no gentle landing, or anyone who really understands or cares apart from your lawyer.

The emotions fly around like a tornado for a least a year. They well up like a tsunami from nowhere, hit you like a rock in strange circumstances, and disappear like a morning mist.

Before marriage single people function perfectly well, organised, busy and coping just fine with a million tasks, but after a separation or divorce they become fragile, vulnerable and exposed.

Getting a new partner quickly seems to be the obvious solution, but it rarely works out, as they become a crutch, listen endlessly to your divorce stories which only saves on therapy fees.

Turn all that 'frustration' into 'satisfaction'.

If you lack the will to cook, shop, make calls, see friends, work, clean or exercise, you need to develop a daily disciplined routine to reverse this and quickly.

Old folks living alone are a perfect example; lessons to us all as they cope, have routines, friends, activities, live longer more fulfilled lives and we should learn from them.

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WALKING

The legs are connected to the 'feel good' centre of the brain so get walking.

Perhaps it's the eyes that awaken our senses to new stimuli when we walk, but walking in all weathers, every day is a must.

Run errands, leave the car, make time and get outside as early in the day as possible, and walk for at least 30 minutes.

Go jogging, yoga, tennis, golf, gym, or anything you can do to increase blood supply, raise the heart rate, release stress, boredom or apathy. If it doesn't come naturally, force yourself.

FACT: Active people meet other active people whereas coach potatoes sit and wait for the undertaker.

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ANIMALS

Animals are not a 'people substitute,' so do not buy them for the wrong reasons, boredom or loneliness.

They restrict your ability to travel, cannot be left inside all day, can't complain or leave home, and are not there to absorb your miseries.

Control yourself-do not imprison a pet.

Fact: Goldfish get depressed. My lawyer’s fish is trying to drown itself-I had to tell him.

Fact: Women look stupid talking to small dogs like babies. Fact: Men look even more stupid talking to small dogs like babies.

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READING.

"You are never lonely with a good book" It's not really true, but you do forget how lonely you really are when

reading a good book. It helps. There is plenty you don't know, so read a lot and often.

Start learning, find a passion, and research something. It could lead to joining clubs, associations and finding 'like-minded people' worth meeting and increase your Christmas card list.

Buy a Kindle, magazines, newspapers, or follow great journalists who produce material you particularly like.

Wi-Fi and a computer are like clean water, electric lights, toothpaste, and a roof over your head-you need them and they are non negotiable.

Get information from alternative media, be up to date on current events, think globally, or you will bore yourself and everyone else to death.

Emotions vacillate like the stock market, but overall they either rise or fall over a period of time, so look back and chart your course.

The television is not a 'people substitute' but it's an added form of information, entertainment and source of escapism.

Fact: The people on MTV are not in the real world. Fact: Having the remote is power. Fact: The internet is the greatest learning tool we now have.

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THE PHOTOS

Get out the old photos and take a long hard look. See how you have changed and what damage you have done and now need to repair.

Lose weight, get Botox, buy clothes, colour your hair, cut out toxins, but it’s hard to turn back the clock, but being single again is a strong motivation.

Fact: A person eats up to 40% less food at the table when eating alone.

Fact: A single person spends up to 65% less time in the kitchen, spends 30% more on hair products and sleeps better.

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BLIND DATES.

The operative word here is 'blind'. You wouldn't eat, drive, shop, sail, dress, shop or cook blind, so why would you meet a total stranger and hope for anything other than disappointment?

Trust me, they are also equally disappointed in you too. You have both been heavily sold, but the goods are worn, used and someone else's rejects.

They also know too much about you from the friend who set you both up, and they will then report back too much information.

If you must go, set an alarm and leave early.

The friends who set it up get all the fun, all the laughs, huge amusement and none of the downside.

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MEETING UP WITH OLD FRIENDS ON DATE NIGHTS

Couples often 'couple up' to avoid being with each other all night, so it's less about friendship, and more about passing the time.

Men meet up with old friends with their new date, to show her off if she is hot, young and has big tits.

Women meet up with old friends with a new date if he is rich, has a great car and treats her like a princess.

It's an interview - hard work, often expensive, hypocritical and stresses out the 'date' person.

Only go if you fancy his/her friends, keep it short, spilt the bill and book a taxi home that affordable.

Fact: They will see or hear things about your date you won't want to hear.

Fact: You will push the boundaries publicly just to show you are in charge of the relationship but you are not.

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MARRIED PARTNERS All married partners are off limits.

No exceptions. They are low-hanging fruit.

Fact: Even Henry VIII chopped off a head or two before embarking on a new affair.

Fact: You will never trust each other in the future, because you can't-if you stole them someone else will do the same to you.

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PROPOSAL OR FLIRTATION FROM YOUR FRIEND’S SPOUSE. They consider you 'low-hanging fruit' and it's insulting.

Don't be rude; they can't help it, and it’s just a natural reaction to having a few more singles around.

You will look like the perpetrator and eventually get all the blame, so keep your friend and avoid their spouse.

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DIVIDING UP THE FRIENDS AFTER A DIVORCE.

In the USA, the friends will usually end up going with the richer partner.

In Europe, they tend to consider the injured party, some of the social injustice, and then choose the richer partner.

Women sometimes side with the other women, and men sometimes side with the men. That might delay a betrayal of previous confidences but it might not.

Friends will turn a sympathetic ear to both parties, mostly out of curiosity and politeness because they want to know the details.

What was your secret and intimate information becomes their social chitchat as time passes, because to them it loses its relevance.

The more intimate the knowledge they have about you, the more important they look, the more often they will repeat it and the quicker you will get to hear about it.

FACT: Other people’s pain and failure makes us feel better about ourselves. That's the secret of a good sit-com.

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SNAKES AND LADDERS

"You can see what God thinks of money by who he gives it to."

There is no doubt money does corrupt, but it depends on the self-control of the individual as to how corrupt they will become or failing that how much money they have to corrupt them.

I have watched different people corrupted at different levels of financial success, and can predict within a few hundred thousand dollars who will desert their principles, and for how much money and when.

Quote:

"If he ran his business like he does his relationships he would be walking around with small change in his pocket" - an analyst said to a wealthy patient.

The patient was constantly surrounded by wonderful things, going to great places and flattered by most people, so how could he ever be wrong? The items of luxury he was constantly surrounded by confirmed that he was in the right. Success and money had changed his character.

Mr and Mrs Average are working their way up, so winning battles is an integral part of that, and it spills over into a relationship.

Many marriages break down over lack of money; it's a shame but actually the real torture begins when there is something worth fighting for and the money is there dividing them both.

The more money a couple makes, the higher the stakes become, and no one wants the next trophy wife or husband coming in and cleaning out the bank account.

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HAVING AN AFFAIR ON THE SIDE.

Someone’s wife or husband is a faceless person, given no real sense of identity, a ghost, a concept, because their spouse is here having an affair with you.

If you are the lover then in some way you might feel superior, it's not true, but you are next in line for exactly the same treatment. It's a behaviour pattern.

If she or he told you how marvelous their partner at home was you wouldn't give them any sex. It's a simple formula, tried and tested, and works most of the time. Flatter the lover, and begin to ignore husband or wife.

The average person cannot financially afford to divorce more than about 3 times, but they don't intend to limit themselves to that many bed partners for life.

Marriages that turn into friendships and lose the romance can still last longer than hot passionate ones because the 'respect' is there.

Fact: A person will care and protect a friend quicker than they will protect a passing sexual encounter. They will then sum up their own interests and put themselves first financially.

It’s simple. It’s called business.

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DINING ALONE

To some people, this is the ultimate horror but to me it's a relaxing treat.

"Who will I have dinner with?" is a question they face every day, of every week, of every month during the year and the search is on, all the time, to find dining partners.

It seems easier for women because they snack, diet, throw together a salad, and don't feel it's such a deep perplexing issue, as probably just being away from the kitchen is relief enough.

See it as a freedom.

You can eat what, when, how and however much you like as it's your stomach and you will fill it as you please.

Relationships are not all about a mouth and knife and fork moving simultaneously across the table, as that is using someone, because you cannot function, or simply eat alone.

TIPS:

If you are in a hotel or restaurant, check out the seating, and reserve yourself a well-positioned table with a view. Better you watch them than they watch you.

Dress well and look business-like, as it will give you confidence. Do not dine in pyjamas, tracksuits, spa dressing gowns or a onesie or in hair rollers.

Do not drink too much, falling over or take the waiter home it's not good form and doesn't avoid being given the bill.

Ask them not to rush the delivery of your food courses, as they probably don't understand you have nothing else to do all night but sit there.

Ask the waiter for directions to the bathroom before you need it to save wondering between tables looking like a fool.

Walk slowly to, and from, the bathroom when the occasion arises and don't trip, slip or walk into the kitchen.

Check zips, buttons, and hanging bits of paper before you re-enter the dinning room, and walk back slowly.

Nod, smile and wave to the furthest tables, as if they are known to you. Some half blind individual will automatically wave back and make you feel at home.

If you cannot find your table, go into the kitchens and congratulate the chef-a waiter will come and get you eventually.

Speak to the sommelier, as he/she is the other loneliest person in the room, and wrongfully ignored for all the wrong reasons.

If you don't know anything about wine, ask them where they came from and how they got here, as they will be too happy to give you their life story and never push the wine.

Don't smoke over your neighbour’s food, hum tunes, brush your hair, take photos of your food, read a large newspaper, call on Skype, or use the napkin near your nose.

Do check the bill properly, as lone diners are loath to argue about money in public and are often over charged.

Do this, and the room is yours. Bon appetite.

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TRAVELLING ALONE

The world is not strewn with the bodies of single travellers, so it's not such a big deal.

Safety is of paramount concern no matter how many of you there are, as adverse conditions affect us all.

Stay away from rogue nations, desolate environments, unfriendly natives or live volcano’s as it helps the success of the trip, but personally I have found the poorer they are, the more charming they are.

Spend as much as you can afford, even if it’s for peace of mind, as the thought of travelling alone is a lot more terrifying than actually doing it.

Mentally, break the journey down into several stages, which is simple.

Two weeks overseas seems daunting, but it's actually only one day x 14, consisting of one morning, one afternoon and one evening equaling 3 parts of a day.

a) Buy the ticket

Spend a couple of days researching where, why, when and how much, then compare the lot.

Get out a credit card and press the confirm button. Print ticket.

b) Hotels

Buy a couple of good guides, search the internet, compare all the hotels including 'all-inclusive package tour' deals, and see details of locations, local maps and ratings.

Book the best options for location, distance from the airport, beach, pool, sports, shopping, and local places of interest.

Good hotel groups are usually already there and have done the leg