Chapter 14
SOCIAL EXPECTATIONS
Too much care can make an "oldie” get older. The social expectation is that a senior is “over the hill” and not worthy of serious attention. It is better to be a feisty fighter than the quiet old man or woman who meekly accepts the care that is dispensed. Families can be the worst enemy to one who refuses to get old. They expect grandpa and grandma to be out of the mainstream, living in yesterday's world.
I have a friend where the members of the family are virtually waiting for him to get Alzheimer’s disease. Every time he forgets something they patronize him and remind him he is getting older. Whenever a friend suggests a new activity or interest for him, the family say he is too old, and he accepts it. Hey, friend, how about fighting back!
Families put labels on people like “grandma” or “wife” when they should see them as individuals in their own right, not just role players. It is appropriate for little kids to use “grandma” or “uncle” but when they get older these labels become self-limiting and outdated. Call them by their proper name, which recognizes them as individuals in their own right. If adult children call you by your first name, they can relate to you as an equal and avoid the "critical parent" role. However it is important if this relationship is to exist that activities and interests be kept up so you can relate as an equal person. By keeping active in business, in continual learning, or some professional activity, you can relate to people of any age on an equal basis. Your friends and associates become ageless. And life is so much more interesting.
Agism is like racism, full of prejudice. It is just as important to fight against agism as it is racism. Don’t let people put the older person in a box if it is undeserved. Because so many seniors decline substantially after they retire, it is a popular image that an old person is finished and no longer interesting or fun. They are boring, tell and retell stories of past adventures and achievements. With this image it is harder to assert oneself and be the person that is vital and fully alive.
When I go to a cocktail party of people active in business, they often ask me “Are you retired?” because people want to know what you are up to. They assume that if you have the appearance of an older person you are by definition “retired.” I am pleased to reply “No, no. I am self-employed as a consultant and author.” Then if the discussion gets around to anything technological, like computers, we get on common ground and the age image drops away. And I become accepted as an equal member of the group.
Society expects that old people should look old, and not try to be or act young. I learned this when I tried to dye my hair to be more attractive to my new friend. She didn’t seem to be able to cope with white hair. So next time I met her she looked at my hair and said “Fred, your hair is turning green!” I confessed what I had done, and we had a good laugh. When she really got to know me the issue of white hair vanished, and I was accepted for what I really was. (Thank goodness.) It is important therefore to be yourself; then keep fit and interested and active in new things and risking new adventures. Break the patterns that could be thrust upon you. Create new myths, and new social expectations.
To be socially mobile and interesting one ninety year old man told me: "Keep up to date on the world with active reading every day." So he put forth the effort to make himself interesting. And he was too.