Chapter 15
RELATIONSHIPS AND INTIMACIES
What is it that defines or describes a friend? Is it just someone you have known for a long time? Surely not; it has to be more than that. It is someone with whom you have shared some experiences, or some feelings. I mean “shared.” Sharing means two-way communication. You tell him things, and he listens; he tells you things and you listen. That must be the real definition of a friend. You share thoughts, feelings, and both time and attention. Perhaps you can add other things to help define a friend. I can hear you say, yes we share a lawnmower! Again, it has to be more than that.
As we get on in years friends become more precious. And friends need not be just the ones you have related to in the past. You can, and indeed must, make new friends as your environment changes and as you explore new adventures.
Making new friends takes effort and a little risk. It may mean joining a new group, and that takes energy and the courage to explore the new. This is particularly true of one who has recently lost a partner. There is a tendency when one is alone, to stay in the security and comfort of one’s own home in familiar surroundings.
When I was just separated and on my own, I knew I must get out and meet people so I joined some new groups. But then when I started out to go to a meeting it seemed so painful and all I wanted to do was to stay home and enjoy my own peaceful privacy. But as the salesman said “If you want to get results, you have to make calls.” Let me quote from some older people I interviewed while researching for this book: “Personally I hate TV except for some sports and special events; I need to be more proactive in meeting people my own age around my home.” and again:
“..while it is easier to watch TV or play with the computer it pays to get out and about. You just never know whom you might meet or what you might learn.”
Then there is the issue of getting very close to people and sharing intimacies. Even including the sharing of intimacies with your lifelong partner! As we get older some of the old charge is gone and the desire for sex declines. But as one senior lady in my survey reported:
“At a deeper level there is a need as we get older to maintain an active intimate or sexual involvement. There is a biological and emotional need for this. But again many deny the need out of fear of their own perceived inadequacy."
This lady goes on to say more about this matter of feeling unsure of one’s self and its effect on relationships:
“One of the greatest inhibitors of older people in doing new things is their feelings of in adequacy and insecurity in respect to their relationships to others around them.” The cult of youth which we encounter everywhere every day in the media and on the street may discourage older people in seeking new relationships and even thinking of sexual relations. Many youth think “at their age, are they still doing it?” Yes they are, and enjoying it!
Many people have fantasies about sex but never realize them. Now is the time! Either DO it or FORGET about it. We get into ruts in our habits and practices, but maybe it is time to try new things. For well married people it can be harmless fun to get some adult movies and get some excitement in your life. We are brought up to be proper and observe certain protocols, but now that we are of an age, it is time to break into some new patterns. In the privacy of your own home, why not? Time is moving on.
My mother lived by her own choice in a retirement home for quite a number of years before she passed on. She told us about a couple of older residents who struck up a friendship which developed into their marriage. She thought that was terrible, at their age! But what is life all about if it can’t be shared in all respects with an intimate partner? Mother missed the fun that can come to older people if they have the wit and courage to venture into new territory. God bless them. As Robert Browning in Rabbi Ben Ezra (1864) said:
“Grow old along with me!
The best is yet to be,
The last of life,
for which the first was made.”
And as I said in an earlier chapter:
“Awareness plus risk, equals growth.”
Go for it, and God bless!