Why Many Married Women are Frustrated by Oluseye A. Komolafe - HTML preview

III

DYNAMICS OF THE MARRIAGE RELATIONSHIP

The dynamics of a marriage relationship in terms of how couples relate to and with each other could be another source of frustration for many married women (of course and men too). This specifically has to do with the various roles individuals play when relating to each other. The theory is that when individuals are playing in-appropriate roles, the relationship dynamics goes wrong and frustration sets in for one or both parties in the relationship. The question posed by the theory to individuals in a marriage relationship is: What role are you playing in your relationship with your spouse? This question will be explored using the Transactional Model of how people relate to each other in a typical relationship.

Transactional Analysis is a theory developed by Dr. Eric Berne in the 1950s. Originally trained in psychoanalysis, Berne wanted a theory which could be understood and available to everyone and began to develop what came to be called Transactional Analysis (TA). Transactional Analysis is a social psychology theory and a method of improving communication. The theory outlines how we have developed and treated ourselves, how we relate and communicate with others, and offers suggestions and interventions which will enable us to change and grow.

Transactional Analysis is underpinned by the philosophy that:

·         People can change         

·         We all have a right to be in the world and be accepted.

This particular model is an adaptation derived from the work of Eric Berne, and relates directly to the previous chapter, in which we discussed martyrdom and abusive partners in relation to self-sacrifice. The model uses three terms: Child (C), Adult (A) and Parent (P). These are not completely literal – they refer to the roles individuals plays in relationships.

•                    The Child is dependent, needing the advice, guidance and discipline provided by an adult.

•                    The Adult is independent, makes their own way and decisions, and owns their own opinions.

•                    The Parent is the dominant character, making decisions for others and looking after the child, who is in their care.

Often in life we play an inappropriate role, thus entering one of these roles in an inappropriate way. At other times we are quite appropriate in wandering into the role – for example; giving comfort to a partner who is in pain, and ‘mothering’ them because they are temporarily dependent and incapacitated. However, when we enter the role in an inappropriate way, we either cause friction, or we cause the other person to change role too.

Generally, grown-ups (irrespective of their gender) should be living in the ‘Adult’ state. When they leave that state, problems occur. Usually if a person takes the ‘Parent’ state and acts in this way towards another person, they will either create conflict – (because if the other person or partner is in the ‘Adult’ state he/she will naturally resist being dominated, pushed around or patronized), or force that other person into the ‘Child’ state. In this situation the ‘Parent’ is being dominant and forces the ‘Child’ into self-sacrifice. If a person takes the ‘Child’ state, they are acting the martyr, and this either creates conflict, or it results in the other person accepting the ‘Parent’ state. At any stage, if the second person refuses to change state, and adheres to the ‘Adult’ state, conflict occurs. This is because the adult is refusing to either be patronised, or to ‘mother’ the other.

The table below displays the mostly likely outcomes of a range of combinations with two individuals playing different roles and the outcomes of different role combinations.

From the table above, it is realized that couples should relate with each other as ‘Adults’ for there to be harmony in the relationship. Where conflict occurs, either there will be a change in states to ‘Adult’ – ‘Adult’ or the two people will avoid each other. Obviously, this is only valid where both people are ‘Adults’. In many instances, many married women are found in the ‘Child’ state either by choice or coerced.

Other dysfunctional examples occur, such as when an actual child is forced into either an Adult or a Parent role by someone else -for example, a parent feeling needy and acting in a Child role or in instances where actual children are income generators or bread-winners of their families. Sometimes it is appropriate to play roles other than the Adult, but only when it is short term and non abusive to others. Generally, assuming we are adult, the best policy is to be deliberately ‘Adult’ at all times, i.e. independent, making their own way and decisions, and owning their own opinions, except only for those rare exceptions when it is helpful to choose otherwise.

Usually frustration for individuals especially married women comes in different ways. For example;

§      You might be frustrated by the fact that you are unhappy in your relationship.       

§      You might be feeling frustrated and say you would prefer to be single again.           

§      You might be frustrated by feeling and indicating that you are only staying in your relationship out of obligation.

The first step is to recognize that something is not right, hence your frustration. Once this is recognized, you can begin to formulate a list of responses, such as re-negotiating some or all the elements of the relationship, (even if it goes right through to separation).

Obviously the author will never suggest to a client to leave a relationship (and no professional Life Coach would) – it has to be entirely your (Client’s) decision!

Often, the realization of why you are doing things is the key to the deciding the new strategies for your next line of action. Often partners (or, in this case - loving and reasonable husbands ) are quite receptive to change, as long as it is explained and fair, especially if it then creates a harmonious environment  in the home for everybody in the family.

Very often, when people stop doing all the things they feel obligated to do – they will then choose to do other things that are far more meaningful to others around them, i.e. things that are beneficial to others without being cajoled, manipulated or coerced.

Take for example the wife who resolves to stop being a full-time house wife (‘Child’ state – i.e. fully dependent on her husband for all her needs) and decided to further her education and later take up a job offer. Now as an enlightened and empowered woman and wife, she can contribute to education of the children, reduce the economic burden of the husband and make strategic plans with her husband concerning the future of the family as an equal stakeholder and partner (‘Adult’ state).

Another example is the husband who resolves to stop being a ‘taxi service’ (‘Parent’). The wife then takes responsibility and catches a bus or learns how to drive (‘Adult’ state). The husband removes a source of obligation and stress from himself, feels happier, loses a source of resentment towards the wife, and begins to be romantic, affectionate and happy again. The wife might have to get up half an hour earlier to catch a bus, but is more than happy to do so because while she is home, she has a loving husband again, rather than a grumpy, resentful one (Adult – Adult = Harmony)!

Be warned that often there is a list of such seemingly silly little examples, which become symbolic of various emotions, and turn into a ‘big deal’. Resolving them can make a huge difference to your relationship(s). The key learning point in this model is the when couples begin to deal and relate with each other as adults there will be less chances for conflict or frustration in the relationship.