Aside from the problem of the interview, I realized, we show our fear of the self in other ways. These ways seemed linked to the limitations imposed by meaning perspectives. When I looked carefully at the curricular description of the interviewing class, I found that it said that it was a class about "self-awareness." What followed in the syllabus had nothing to do with self-awareness that I could see, but I felt I could take that original description and make it the center, the focal point of the entire class. So I brought that idea to the class.
I asked my students if they thought that self-awareness was something worth thinking about, something worth learning about, something worth our time and effort. They answered "Yes." I agreed. Then I asked, "How many people do you know who actually thought about or spent any time or effort on self-awareness.[8] After a pause, they answered, "None." I pursued the point, and asked why, if self-awareness held such value for us, why didn't people think about it, try to work on it? Students came up with many answers for that. Most people didn't have any time for that. Some worked, and went to school, and had kids, and they had no time for self-awareness stuff. Some people, they said, just didn't know there was such a thing as self-awareness. They just kind of lived out every day, and they never think about stuff like that. Some people, they said, just didn't care. Still I asked if self-awareness were that important, wouldn't everyone find or make time for that. If we are so essential to our selves, why not work at self-awareness even if you never heard the phrase? Why not?
In the first group to whom I addressed the question, one voice stood out. She said, "Because they don't want to find out."
That stopped the world. I asked, "You mean that they don't want to look for self-awareness because they don't want to learn more about themselves?" She agreed. "But why would they not want to find out more about themselves." To that, I got a long silence. "Are we saying that people don't want to find some self-awareness because they don't want to know about their self? Are people afraid of that they will find, and they would rather not know?" The student who brought up the idea answered. She said, "Yes." And it was very quiet for a while.
Then I thought out loud:
"Where do any of us get to if we don't want to know ourselves? Does that mean that in some very essential part of what we feel about ourselves, we don't like ourselves very much? Does that make any sense? Have you ever seen a two year old act as if she doesn't like herself? How do we learn such a thing?"
We decided then that we needed to look at how the self came to be.