When we critically examine the provenance and genesis, the source and coming into being, of meaning perspectives, the structures of thought and habits of mind which limit the scope of our lives, of our becoming self, we will inevitably find other people. Environmental circumstances may also have been involved in the beginning and growth of these meaning perspectives, but mostly we find people. That's where the question of blame begins. Blame seems to offer some level of comfort for us in the face of the unhappiness and struggles produced by these meaning perspectives. If someone else did this to us, brainwashed us into these perspectives, then we can feel righteous anger against that person or persons, which might offer some level of satisfaction. It might actually turn out that such satisfaction comes to us in an unpleasant and ultimately unsatisfying form which, in the end, simply begins another meaning perspective that establishes another barrier to our desire to return to the energy and adventure of the becoming self.
The self exists as a conscious, independent entity which perceives the world, takes information from that perception, learns from that information, makes choices based on that learning, and acts freely on those choices. The self experiences the results of those choices, accepts the responsibility of those choices and results, and the process begins again.
When we look at this definition, which we can argue in its specific forms, the thing that stands out is the sense of autonomy central to this definition of the self, of the individual living as this becoming self. We might also call this the individuating self. A critical reflection on the idea and existence of the autonomous, individuating self can open us to the idea that such independence of thought and action calls for a highly developed sense of and responsibility for our learning, our intentions, our actions, and the consequences of these actions.
Blame precludes our accepting responsibility. Blame denies us access to the autonomous, individuating self. Blame places responsibility, thus our motivating power, on others. Whatever gratification we take in blame comes at a very high price. It brings us to a cul-de-sac in our becoming. When we blame, we make ourselves the superior to the other person. Indeed, we turn them into an Other, a being alien to ourselves and not as fully human as ourselves. In our judging them for their failures and taking a superior position to them, we fall back into the trap of rebellion. The dominator we believe has caused our meaning perspectives and thus stunted us in many ways, remains in power over us and our lives so long as we assign blame to that dominator. When we blame the dominator, we make the dominator responsible for us and our lives until the present. The dominator continues to dominate. Blaming and rebellion is a "No." When we take full responsibility for our lives, we assume our own power. That becomes part our "Yes." We can say "Yes" to our responsibility to make choices beyond the limits of our habits of mind derived from our past and the meaning perspectives we learned there.
An examination of our meaning perspectives shows us that they originally come from other sources. That would hold true of those who assisted in the construction and absorption of those meaning perspectives. Our dominators and the culture that influenced them into their meaning perspectives all exist with the same tensions we can now understand within ourselves. They felt, intended, and acted out of their unquestioned meaning perspectives. They may have exerted power over us as we developed in their care, but they did so under the motivating force of love and the limits of their own meaning perspectives. If we can see and feel our own discomfort and unhappiness because of the dominating force of meaning perspectives, we can easily feel compassion for those who dominated us because we share the same fate, the same conditions, and many of the same mistakes. When we can feel that commonality with them, our parental figures and others, we cease to see them as aliens, as an Other, and we feel forgiveness for them. It is through such forgiveness that we begin to assume our full autonomy and individuation. Compassion and forgiveness bring us back to our own becoming self. That brings us back to what we desire to receive and give: unconditional positive regard. We can then exercise the I/Thou[42] of unconditional positive regard, compassion, forgiveness, and the thread that runs between them, acceptance. We can see and feel the unconditional as primarily the right thing to do, and it liberates us all well.