Gilmore & Duke Meet Franklinstein
(a short screenplay)
FADE IN:
EXT. STOREFRONT — DAY
INT. STORE — DAY
Duke is painting a sign, reading “Gilmore & Duke’s Delivery Service. We is now open for bizness.” Gilmore walks in and looks the sign over, while drinking a cup of coffee.
GILMORE
Hey jackass, don’t you know English any better than that? You’re not supposed to write “We is now open for bizness.” It should be “We am now open for bizness.”
DUKE
Ohhh.
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GILMORE
Now fix it! (he hits Duke)
DUKE
Okay, okay.
Duke paints over his mistake with white paint. As he does this, Gilmore sets his coffee down beside Duke’s paints.
GILMORE
Boy, this business of ours is gonna be great!
Pretty soon we’ll be millionaires! We’ll probably have enough money to buy a keg of beer every day !!
Duke is painting a black line underneath the name of their business. He is painting wildly, with his brush smacking Gilmore in the leg, turning his white pants black.
GILMORE
Hey, hey!! Watch what you’re doing, stupid!
Look what you did to my pants!
DUKE
Oh, sorry about that!
GILMORE
Sorry! I’ll give ya somethin’ to be sorry about!
(he threatens to hit Duke again, but doesn’t) Now go on, finish that sign!
DUKE
All right, all right!
As Gilmore goes on complaining about his pants, Duke accidentally dips his paint brush in Gilmore’s coffee & continues painting. Gilmore picks up the other cup (the one containing Duke’s black paint). He almost starts drinking, but stops.
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GILMORE
As I was saying, this business is gonna be great!
Delivering packages, that’s the life for me!
DUKE
Yeah, we’ll probably deliver a lot of packages to lonely old women who’ll invite us inside so we can... you know!
GILMORE
You said it! That’ll be sweet!
Duke finishes painting the sign. He stands up, while Gilmore takes a sip of his coffee.
DUKE
So, what do you think?
Gilmore spits out the coffee/paint onto Duke.
DUKE
Hey, say it, don’t spray it, man!
Gilmore punishes the Duke, as we:
FADE OUT.
INT. STORE — DUSK
Duke is just about to walk out the door.
DUKE
Jesus H. Christ, it’s been a long day! I must’ve delivered about a million packages! Maybe even a hundred! Yo man, I’m leaving. See ya Monday.
GILMORE
And just where do you think you’re going?
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DUKE
I’m going home! I got a hot date!
GILMORE
A hot date?
DUKE
Yeah. With a girl, too. A girl and a farm animal.
The girl don’t know about the farm animal —
yet!
GILMORE
Well, ya can’t leave now. You forgot to deliver this package! (he holds up a box the size of a shoebox)
DUKE
Can’t it wait ‘til Monday?
GILMORE
No, it has to be delivered tonight! And to make sure you do it, I’m coming with you! Let’s go!
DUKE
Aw man, this sucks!
Gilmore pushes him out the door.
DISSOLVE TO:
EXT. STREET — NIGHT
The Gilmore & Duke delivery van drives along a lonely road at night.
EXT. CASTLE
The van approaches a very spooky looking castle.
INT. LABORATORY
A mad scientist (Dr. Benjamin Franklinstein) is mixing chemicals, while his luscious assistant (Sharon) looks on.
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DOCTOR
I’ve done it! I’ve done it! At long last, I’ve finally done it!
SHARON
Done vhat, doctor? Created a formula zat vill give a man superhuman strength and intelligence?
DOCTOR
Even better! I’ve created the world’s first booger-favored soda! (he takes a drink) Ah,
delicious boogers! (he starts picking his nose & eating what he pulls out)
SHARON
Oh, doctor! It’s moments like zis that I realize vhy I love you!
She hugs him, and we hear the sound of a doorbell.
DOCTOR
Who could be here at this hour? Go get rid of whoever it is!
CUT TO:
EXT. CASTLE DOOR
The boys are waiting at the door. They stand around for a few moments, and Duke starts whistling. Then Gilmore asks: GILMORE
So, how long have you been into farm animals?
DUKE
Oh, about 4 or 5 years now. You should try it sometime.
GILMORE
Yeah?
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DUKE
Yeah. I’ll bring a chicken over for ya next week.
GILMORE
Oh, okay. Thanks.
They stand around for a few more moments.
DUKE
It sure is spooky out here.
GILMORE
Yeah, it is, isn’t it?
We hear the sound of a wolf howling in the distance.
DUKE
G-G-G-Gilmore, I’m s-s-s-scared! Let’s go
home!
GILMORE
Not yet. Let’s try knocking again.
Gilmore, not looking where he’s knocking, starts banging on Duke’s head.
Realizing his mistake, he shoves Duke out of the way & knocks on the door. Sharon opens the door.
SHARON
Who are you? Vhat are you doing here?
GILMORE
We came to deliver this package.
SHARON
Let me see that.
She takes the package and examines it.
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DUKE
(to Gilmore) Hey, a lonely woman! Maybe she’ll let us... you know!
SHARON
Zis package appears to be damaged!
GILMORE
Well — it was like that when we got it, it really was!
SHARON
Come inside, both of you. You can explain ze damage to ze doctor.
She invites the boys in. As they enter, Duke says to Gilmore: DUKE
See, man, she’s letting us in! She wants us!
DISSOLVE TO:
INT. LABORATORY
Sharon introduces the boys to Dr. Franklinstein.
SHARON
Gentlemen, zis is Doctor Benjamin Franklinstein, ze greatest mad scientist in ze vorld! Herr
Doctor, zese delivery men brought you ze brain you ordered. But look!
She hands him the package. The Doc examines the contents of the package (a brain), and looks upset.
DOCTOR
The brain, my beautiful brain! It’s ruined! You incompetent oafs! What have you got to say for yourselves?
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GILMORE
Well, uh, you see... (to Duke) tell him!
DUKE
Listen here, doc, you can’t bully us! We know our rights! We’re citizens! And I plead the 5th amendment!
DOCTOR
Look at your cranium! It’s beautiful!
DUKE
Cranium? This is a hat!
DOCTOR
Your head! Why, it’s perfect! (he examines
Duke’s head closely) The size, the shape, why, it’s positively simian! (he bangs on Duke’s head) And hollow as a coconut! It’s perfect!
DUKE
Gee, thanks Doc!
DOCTOR
My boy, how would you like to make a grand
contribution to science?
DUKE
(sadly) Oh, okay, how much do I gotta give? (he pulls out his wallet)
DOCTOR
Oh no, I don’t want your money!
DUKE
Ohhh. (to Gilmore) He doesn’t want my money.
Gee, he’s a swell guy!
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DOCTOR
I only want your brain!
DUKE
My brain! Oh no, Doc! I need what little I got!
(to Gilmore) Let’s get out of here!
Gilmore stops Duke from leaving.
GILMORE
Hey, what are you doin’? Didn’t ya hear what the doctor said? Just give him your brain, stupid!
It’s not like you ever use it for anything!
DUKE
What about when I go to the race track? How am I gonna know which horses to bet on?
DOCTOR
(to Gilmore) Hmmm, perhaps I could use your brain, too!
GILMORE
My brain??
DOCTOR
Nurse, give them the anaesthetic!
She cracks them over the head with a baseball bat.
FADE OUT.
INT. LABORATORY
Gilmore is strapped to an operating table, while Duke sits in a chair nearby. On a table next to him sits a jar with a brain inside. Dr. Franklinstein is questioning Duke:
DOCTOR
Okay, now tell me, what is seven plus six?
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DUKE
Thirteen.
DOCTOR (to Gilmore)
Ha ha ha! You know, I think your friend is
smarter now that he has a monkey’s brain in his head than he was before!
GILMORE
Yeah, like I didn’t know that would happen!
Look, Doc, you’ve proved your point. Now let me go already!
DOCTOR
Oh, I’m afraid not, my boy. Now that I’ve
accomplished a monkey to man brain transplant, I’ve got to take my work to the next step — I’m going to transplant your brain into this grapefruit!
(He holds up a grapefruit & shows it to Gilmore.) And I dare say, with a grapefruit inside your skull, you may experience an increase in your I.Q. as well!
GILMORE
Aw, come on, Doc. Be reasonable!
Just then, the Goril a goes ape inside his cage. Dr. Franklinstein approaches the cage and uses a bullwhip to try to calm the mighty beast.
DOCTOR
Quiet, you! Quiet!!
But the gorilla breaks open the cage door and bashes the doctor over the head, knocking him out.
GILMORE
Way to go, Duke! Now come on, get over here and untie me!
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The gorilla makes his way across the room & unties Gilmore from the operating table.
GILMORE
Thanks, buddy. Come on, let’s get out of here!
Gilmore starts to leave the room, but the Gorilla grabs him and starts grunting and pointing at his head.
GILMORE
We ain’t got time to get your brain back in your body! Oh, look!
Gilmore points over to the other side of the room, where Sharon & Duke are leaving through another door.
DUKE
You were right, guys. She is lonely!
SHARON
Yeah, and now we’re gonna... well, you know!
GILMORE
What?!? That gorilla’s trying to take our babe!
Let’s get him, Duke!
Gilmore & the gorilla chase Sharon & Duke out of the building and off into the distance, as the music swells, and we...
FADE OUT.