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How to be a New Jersey Driver
Have you ever thought about going to live in New Jersey? Neither have I. But life’s unpredictable, and so you never know — you might end up living there someday. And if that happens to you, you’ll need to know How to be a New Jersey Driver.
Step 1: Multitask.
While driving, a true New Jersey driver can do many things: eat a meal, shave, apply makeup, talk on a cel phone, read a newspaper or magazine, or other wholesome activities.
Step 2: Drive super fast.
Speed Limit signs are not meant to be taken seriously in New Jersey.
They’re a non-functional leftover from a bygone era, like an appendix or the U.S. Constitution. Look at the speedometer in your car: cars are meant to be driven fast. Why else would they go all the way up to 140
mph?
And face it — you’re not your grandmother, and you don’t live in Iowa.
So give ‘er some gas! Put the pedal to the metal & have some fun!
Step 3: Ignore traffic signs.
All traffic signs fall under the same category as Speed Limit signs. Stop signs, Yield signs, and every other sign you see while driving in New Jersey… you need pay no attention at all to any of them.
Step 4: Learn how to handle traffic lights.
Green means “go”, Yellow means “go faster”, and Red means “screech to a halt — unless you’re in a hurry, in which case: go ahead & go, 56
and hope like hell you make it through the intersection without getting killed.”
Step 5: Drink and drive.
Prohibition was repealed in 1933, so everyone over the age of 21 has a legal right to drink. And since the streets are public — paid for with your tax dollars — everyone has a right to drive, too. At least, that’s the attitude here in New Jersey, where drinking & driving is not only a right, it’s a responsibility. So, whether you’re just a little tipsy or falling-down drunk, don’t let inebriation get in your way.
Step 6: Threaten pedestrians.
So you’re driving along and you see a kid crossing the street 100 yards in front of you — what do you do?
In most places, you’d just keep driving like normal. After all, the kid’s a good distance away and not doing anything to bother you. But in the Garden State, you’re supposed to speed up and let that little punk know he’d better hurry or you’ll run him over, even if you have no intention of actually doing so.
It’s a fun way of throwing your weight around and showing people how tough you are because you have a car.
Step 7: Ignore the cops.
If a cop pulls you over & threatens to kill your buzz, or just make you late for getting somewhere, all you’ve got to do is flip him the bird & peel out of there as fast as you can. New Jersey police officers are fine, upstanding individuals, and each one of them has a keen sense of humor.
Trust me, they won’t chase after you & throw you in jail like they do in most states — here, they’ll just laugh it off — and probably even crack open a brewski of their own!
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And that’s how you do it. Easy, isn’t it? Just follow these simple steps:
* Multitask
* Drive Fast
* Ignore traffic signs
* Blow through Red Lights
* Drink & Drive
* Threaten Pedestrians, and
* Ignore the Cops.
If you’l just fol ow these guidelines, some people wil cal you a maniac, but you’l know the truth: you’re a New Jersey driver!
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