Dear Derrell,
Thank you for reaching out. I know it must have been hard for you. Also, sending it by mail was a nice touch as I’ve never gotten an actual letter before.
I would like to act offended by the violent tone of your opening paragraph but the truth is, the last night we were together, I watched you sleep and wondered how long it would take for a drill bit to penetrate your skull and then slide easily into your brain.
I guess it would depend on the size of the drill bit.
The main reason I’ve not contacted you is that after some of my friends explained to my father about your singing incident, things got a bit weird. He seemed genuinely flattered that you sang “Stacy’s dad has got it going on” and, even more troublesome, he’s started to work out again. I’m just glad they didn’t get to the “goo” part. Maybe you shouldn’t come by the house anymore.
Every one of my favorite songs has “You” in the title and I sort of feel you stole You from me. If that makes any sense. Your behavior was criminal but not in the way you’d think.
I want restitution.
How about we start with a drink?
Sincerely,
Stacy